running

this is my new mantra - and i stole it off of  facebook :).....and it somewhat surprises me that i need a mantra (but i do) and that i am actually attempting to embrace running.....it's one more thing i owe to laura.....

why is it so strange?  if you are my college roommates or played anything with me in high school you will know that running has been the BANE of my athletic existence for EVER!!  i'm just NOT good at it - i'm slow, i have terrible form, and i just cant seem to stop thinking "i hate this" over and over again while i run....so really, WHY???

i can still so clearly remember the first day of practice at brown when we had to do the TIMED 4 mile.....and you know i had NEVER run 4 straight miles in MY LIFE....i not only came in DEAD LAST, but i also thought i was going to DIE!!  i'm pretty sure that in a nutshell is why my coach deciced to hate me forever :)  i was TERRIBLE.....my only saving grace was that i was really FAST, and for some odd reason the fact that i have no long distance stamina never really affected my ability to play a whole game.....but i'm sure i would have been a whole lot better with some damn stamina.....and then i had to go and blow out both of my knees - and clearly lose my speed....so now what i have going for me in the running department is NADDA!!

so prior to this lovely epiphany about running, my general philosophy about fitness was that running was unnecessary - which i still believe mind you.....i spin like a fiend, which is another irony, as i promised myself after living on a rehab bike that i would NEVER put my ass on a bike seat ever again, but that's neither here nor there, i guess.... except to say i obviously am not entirely resolute when it comes to working out....

over the years, i have toyed with getting into running - and in all honesty actually ran like 6 miles ONCE - i made my spin class train with me and we did a spin and run combo from new years to spring break - culminating in an hour spin and a 6 mile run - it was awesome and i hated every second of it and never did it again.....so there you go....and i WANT to like it....when you see someone running with EASE, it looks like its fun.....or relaxing.....or peaceful... SOMETHING!!  one of my roommates promised me that once you hit a "certain point" your mind would shut off and you would just RUN.....and now that i have officially entered what i consider to be the realm of runners - 4, 6, 8, 10 miles - i can state that that is UNEQUIVOCALLY UNTRUE.....still hate it - brain never shuts off - and i hear myself sounding like a freight train in between songs.....running is just SOOO not my thing....

however, i have found that i am embracing it as a challenge.....i am making myself do something i dont like for very weird reasons....but there you go - i think somewhere in my convoluted brain i think, laura doesnt get to run.....and even if she hated it, she still wishes she were here to do it.....and so i run.  i never in a million years thought that at the ripe old age of 40,  i would be playing mental games with myself over something i really see no reason to do, other than to prove a ridiculous point to MYSELF....i might be losing my mind......and still i run.

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"
- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

see, these are the mental games i play with myself.....theres absolutely no reason i can't run - just like theres no reason i cant work out - i just choose not to....and in order for me to CHOOSE TO do these things, i have to push my own buttons....i  HATE feeling like i wimp out.....i HATE feeling weak.....i HATE being a quitter.....apparently i enjoy being a whiner, but i can whine and still do it :) 

i think i probably need to actually LEARN how to run, if im going to keep at it....i mean really, i am absolutely the worst....i don't hydrate, i don't warm up, i don't stretch, i don't cool down, i run on my heels, i kick myself in the ankle constantly....when i see my shadow when im running all i can think is OH MY GOD, you look like you are WALKING, and walking AWKWARDLY at that!!!  i hate being bad at anything....but apparently ive been okay all these years with sucking at this!!  i think because you are just supposed to KNOW how to run, right??  i mean what person with any claim to athleticism needs to LEARN how to run??  apparently i do.....whether i will or not, remains to be seen.....but at least i'm giving it a passing thought....

this quote seems to be the one that hits home for me the most at this point:
"I run because it's so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought."
--Arthur Blank

i feel like right now, where i am in my life, its important that i not only APPRECIATE my life, but that i EARN it.....it seems so many of my friends, family, and peers are struggling with HEAVY things.....and i am so incredibly lucky that what i struggle with is so easy....i'm busy, i'm tired, i'm strapped for cash.....big freakin deal......what i am is LUCKY...and HEALTHY.....and i need to EMBRACE that....and if in embracing this life, it means i make myself run, then that's what i do - because i can, when so many others can't.

that doesn't mean i have to like it - i just have to do it....and maybe in time i'll find that place that sarah always talked about where the running starts to bring peace....or maybe not .... but until i can prove it one way or the other, i'll just keep running.....