Wednesday, December 31, 2014

reflections on a learning year

The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. ~Antisthenes

To say 2014 was an interesting year for me is a very mild understatement.  but if i had to sum it up in one word, it wouldnt be good or bad....it would have to be educational.  i cant remember a year where i learned so much -about myself, my friends, my family and what matters at the end of the day.  so in this way, while i have had a few rough patches, it has been an incredible reminder of how fortunate i am, and why.

i think a lot of us spend our adult lives drifting.  we do the things we think we are supposed to do - go to work, take care of our kids & houses, go out occasionally with friends - but most of it is just habit.  the things we have been doing for so long we cant remember why we CHOSE to do them in the first place.  we lack the JOY in the everyday.  life can be tough.  money is tight.  our kids need more & we are so stretched by the demands we have on us, that sometimes we cant SEE the forest, much less the trees.  and definitely not any of the light that peeks thru.  maybe this is not true for you.  i hope its not - i hope every one of you sees the blessings around you every day.  but i know for me, this year was a struggle to see them.

as with most things, it starts with work.  i've written a million times about my lifelong challenge with work.  this year was no different.  and what i did, which was the precursor to a millon small disasters, was cave to my internal pressure to get a "real" job.  again.  my messy mind goes something like this - next year we will have 2 kids in college with no forseeable way to make that work - start crazy panic mode.  get mad at husband because somehow he should be able to magically fix this (right??).  come to the conclusion that the only way for us to make ends meet is for me to get ANOTHER job.  because what really happened was, SiB hit a huge bump in the spring.  we had a super fun winter leading up to spring sports.  i thought FINALLY i had found my niche.  and let myself think that my business would magically sustain itself.  after all, i showed up everyday, i worked hard.  why wouldnt it.  because i didnt have a PLAN (like a dumbass) for what would happen when the season started and all my clients went away.  so what did i do?  in pretty spectacular fashion, i gave up.  which is pretty hard to admit, but sets the stage for why the rest of the year was such a challenge.  i felt like a failure.  i took a job i didnt want because i didnt know how to FIX the one i had.  and it sucked.  probably because i didnt want to be there.

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford

i'm sure you will be surprised to hear that THIS made me MISERABLE. and MEAN.  two words i have not associated with myself in a long time.  but unhappy has a way of making itself known.  but THIS - this awful horrible ugly place - was where i found the light.  they say (you know, the mysterious they) that you learn more about your friends and yourself when times are bad, when YOU are at your worst.  the people that stick - THOSE are YOUR people.  they are the ones who know you aren't always nice or fun - actually can be a stone cold bitch - but they STICK anyway.  because they know that you are having a tough time and they CHOOSE to ride out the storm.  and when you come out on the other side, its AMAZING how you value that lesson.

and sometimes all it takes it ONE MOMENT of clarity for everything to change.  you find yourself at a really low place, but when you look around - you arent alone.  YOUR people stuck.  and you realize that like everything else, THIS awful ugly place is a CHOICE.  and you can get out.  so i did.  really just like that.  it wasnt easy.  it wasnt all sunshine.  but what it was, was FREEING.  i finally got to really THINK about what made me happy.  and what was dragging me down.  and i started to FIX the things that i had broken.  i quit that awful job. and rededicated myself to SiB.  i rediscovered my PASSION for fitness in that dark place.  because exercise has ALWAYS helped me pick myself up.  THAT is what i am meant to do - help other people find THAT.  it only took me 43 years to figure that out.

When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca

obviously everything isnt always sunshine and light.  but its amazing to me how much lighter i feel ON THE INSIDE after letting go off all of that negative energy.  i lost some things i thought were important in 2014 - some friends, a team, maybe even a whole hobby.  but what i gained was so so worth it.  i gained PERSPECTIVE.  and re-found my bliss :)  i discovered who sticks.  and i realized that it was up to ME to NOT to let the darkness win.  so i didnt!

as i look at 2015, i cant believe what is coming my way.  an 8th grade promotion.  a high school graduation, and a college graduation (yes, already).  2015 has SO MUCH potential for greatness, and i will not be the one who drags it down!!


i learned in 2014 that i can move on.  i learned that i can go back.  i learned that failure doesnt have to be final unless you let it.  and i learned to snowboard.  sounds like a pretty solid year after all.

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald

Saturday, November 1, 2014

inflaming the masses

 NO DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THEM.....just think about that for a second.....let it sink in.  regardless of your political affliation or leaning, really give that statement some thought.  MASS GENOCIDE....vs POSSIBLY questionable political policies and motives, depending on your point of view.  think for a second about the INFLAMMATORY nature of that statement, and what the people advocating it are trying to accomplish.....and then ask yourself if THIS website is the source of unbiased, fact-based information.....

"I told her straight up ‘you could take that Muslim-loving piece of paper and shove it up your white [expletive],” Kevin Wood said in an interview. “If [students] can’t practice Christianity in school, they should not be allowed to practice Islam in school.”

http://misguidedchildren.com/domestic-affairs/2014/10/maryland-school-bans-marine-veteran-over-daughters-homework/31915

 this article is what started this whole crazy mess.  produced by this incredibly flattering website.  i can definitely see why all the mainstream news media decided to pick it up.  i mean, you definitely can not find ANYTHING remotely disturbing by the source.  it seems a completely fair account of what is happening, dont you think?

this past week has been a revelation in our small community.  as i'm sure you may have noticed, since we have made the front page many news outlets, ONE parent is very VERY disgruntled with the 11th grade world history curriculum.  WORLD HISTORY curriculum.  His response to his daughters homework assignment was to A} refer to it as muslim propaganda, B} call the school and VEHEMENTLY scold the vice principal over the assignment, and C} threaten to reign a shitstorm the likes of which they had never seen down on the school if they did not cave to his demands.  which resulted in a "no-trespass" order for this parent.  and a week of upheaval for the staff and student body, who have been inundated with calls and articles about this "travesty".

i am publishing a few comments, just to put this in some context of why this is disturbing.  some of my favorites:

"called administrator and made contact with enemy"

"i told her under no circumstances she my daughter learning about some fucked up religion"

"i ended with saying, stop teaching shit about Johnny Jihad and teaching about American History!"

and yes....these are quotes.  Starting again with the fact that this is a WORLD HISTORY course, and that this assignment is in the context of the study of the Middle Eastern culture and the formation of its empires.  which obviously addresses religion.  just as the study of the CRUSADES addresses Christianity, and the study of the REFORMATION addresses Protestantism.  among other things, religion is one of the largest influencing priniciples THROUGHOUT history.  it is by no means an indoctrination of ANY of these religions.  it is simply educating our children within the CONTEXT of HISTORY.

"This is a world history class,” Simpson explained. “We are not teaching religion. Part of those world history studies involves the economics of a region and part of that is the religion which relates to the economy of that part of the world. In the Middle East, Islam is the only religion and it contributes greatly to the economics of the region."

now i am not saying parents are not allowed to question curriculum.  but that is what the school board is for.  and its also what concepts like PRIVATE SCHOOL and HOMESCHOOLING are for.  if you do not like the manner in which your child is being educated, then it is your responsibility as a parent to rectify that.  HOWEVER, it is never okay to do so in a confrontational, exploitative manner.  it is also not okay to demand a new assignment if you dont like the current one - believe me, if that were the case, the entire CORE CURRICULUM in 8th grade math would be something entirely different in my household.  i dont agree with it, i dont like it, i find it confusing and assinine.  but until i am willing to homeschool, this is what i am dealing with.  and we are addressing our challenges with it AT HOME.  as a FAMILY.

"My thought for the day..If you want your children to have a strong Christian faith, then teach them that, go to church, read the bible, and allow them to discover that Jesus is our Savior. It's a parent's responsibility. Once they have their own faith, facts about other religions are intriguing to the intellectual thinker." - (another facebook post, by a local parent)

my biggest issue with the way this has been handled by the parent and the MEDIA is this:  the goal seems to be to encourage discord by playing up this mans military career and the religious animosity that exists within our country.  these are the headlines:

Parent banned from La Plata HS after Islam homework dispute


Maryland School Bans Marine Veteran Over Daughter’s Homework

Father upset over Islam history lesson barred from school over threats
it seems to me that this parent threatened a shit-storm - and we are accommodating him.  which is so sad.  because i'm pretty sure that LaPlata High School is not unique.  I know our administrators and teachers receive calls EVERY DAY over homework disputes.  even assignments.  it is because THIS particular assignment addresses the HOT BUTTON of RELIGION, that it is getting national attention.  which is utterly ridiculous. and feeding into the divisive underbelly that keeps our country at odds.  we spend more time NOT listening to each other.  NOT interested in learning about what anyone else believes.  NOT compromising.  we feed the flames of animosity and then wonder why our government is ineffective.....

at the end of the day, the one single job of our educational system is to EDUCATE.  it is not to make judgements, or teach morality.  it is to provide INFORMATION in the applicable context.  and then hope that the gaps of perspective, religion, morality and ethics are filled in at home.  it is our job as PARENTS to guide our children.  it is absolutely within Mr Woods right to object to Islam.  it is his right to refuse to let his daughter do this assignment.  it is certainly within his rights to create this shitstorm for the community.  it is NOT within his rights to create a threatening environment for MY child or any of the other students at LPHS. and it is not within his rights to demand a change simply because he disagrees.  take the appropriate actions.  hire a lawyer to challenge the school board on the curriculum.  but please stop spewing hate and encouraging confrontation.  it is not just your child that is affected.  and some of us want our children to learn as much about everything as they possibly can.



Wednesday, August 27, 2014

the art of fake nice

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.   Mitch Hedberg

this is one of those blogs that may not be for you.  its not a rant, or encouragement, or even at all positive.  so if you are looking for any of those, just stop now.  this is more of a reflection.  couched in a question.  as it applies to me, but mostly to us as a society at large.  and here is the question:  should we teach our kids to be "fake" nice?  should be learn to do it ourselves?  i guess some people are born with it.  like athletic ability or an aptitude for art.  but most people i think, acquire it somewhere along the way.  and clearly some of us don't......and while its all well and good to say "i love that you are so brutally honest", obviously its not necessarily a good thing.

now i know i normally give examples of what i mean, but this subject hits a little too close to home at the moment.  so i'm going more general.  but i hope you still get the point.  i want to know whether its better to just PRETEND to be nice.  because in the generic, lets be nice to everyone way, i think the answer is absolutely YES.  its better to be kind, right?  if you dont want to tell your friend her new hair cut is awful, you just smile and say "omg, i love it".  right?  that i dont really have a problem with.  at all.  we all do it to some degree.  little white lies to spare someone's feelings.  again, i think this falls into the lets all try to be a little nicer to each other category.

what i'm talking about is more pervasive in the "mean girl" sense.  and not that boys dont do it, but its just so much worse with girls.  i have NO IDEA why girls are so mean to each other. but we are.  and it really really sucks.  sometimes it sucks A LOT.  maybe we are insecure or jealous.  maybe we are striking first.  maybe we are just plain old mean.  i have no idea.  what i do know is that its WORSE, sometime a million times worse, when we pretend to be nice first.

i have always been a "you love me or hate me" kind of girl.  i've attributed to that mostly to that brutally honest gene that i inherited straight from my mother (thanks for that, mom).  but you always know where you stand with me.  i try to be nice.  really i do.  obviously i'm not always successful.  but what i will say about me is generally i wont say anything behind your back that i wouldnt or havent already said to your face.  i am NOT the girl to ask does this make me look fat.  because if it does, i'm going to tell you it does.  you know why?  i'd want my friend to tell me.  id rather you not lie to be nice.  you know why?  because as soon as i wear whatever that is that makes me look fat, there are going to be 5700 mean girls out there talking about how fat i look.  right?  we all know this is true.

True friends stab you in the front. ~Oscar Wilde

and i KNOW i can be mean.  it hardly makes it any better just because i acknowledge it.  the part i struggle with is knowing i have that in me and trying to be better about it.  doesnt mean i dont talk about other people or what i think their flaws are.  i'm human.  and a GIRL.  hello.  what i dont do - or try really really hard not to do - is PRETEND to be nice to them while i'm doing it.  why does this matter?  maybe it doesnt.  i dont know.  somehow it just seems wrong.

but i am obviously in the minority.  or at least it seems that way.  so maybe i'm the one looking at it wrong. my circle of friends has always been pretty small - and its getting smaller.  as ive gotten older my bullshit tolerance has lowered significantly.  and along with it, my ability to "put on" that nice face.  that doesnt mean i cant be nice (i dont think) - it just means i'm not going out of my way anymore to be nice to people who are not nice to me. i dont know.  maybe i never did.  and maybe i should.  because its becoming increasingly obvious with the onslaught of social media that "pretend" friends are the new actual friends.

Nothing but heaven itself is better than a friend who is really a friend. ~Plautus

which is why im wondering at my advanced age, that maybe i just missed the class on this virtual friendship thing.  is fake nice a skill we are learning at the hands of the internet?  is "liking" your posts and pictures the new gateway to solving all of our friendship woes?  i can trash talk you all day, but if i "like"  your stuff, i'm still a good person? somehow i think this is what we are learning.  its a lot easier to be nice AND mean by text or type.  so we let our online personas do the work. but its misleading.  maybe.  or maybe i'm just old.

believe me, i like to be liked.  i like having friends.  but obviously not enough.  because at the end of the day, i'd rather have 4 real friends than 400 fake ones.  and i'm realizing that i'm totally in the minority in that way of thinking.  i have just come to understand that most people would rather have 400 fake friends.  400 people who will like and comment and post and smile to their face in public.  it doesnt actually matter what those people really think.  because as long as i THINK they are friends, then they are. right??

so i think its actually a new life skill.  that passed me by.  clearly.  and its one i wont be jumping on the bandwagon of.  i'll take my 4 real friends thank you very much.  and somehow, i'll try to teach my kids how to figure out the difference in this crazy world they are being raised in.  virtual reality is just that.  VIRTUAL. if all of the sudden you lose your internet connection, will you still have ACTUAL friends?  friends that will still love you when you tell them they absolutely can not wear stripes?  and friends you will love back when they tell you you are being a bitch,  or your arms look like a dudes?  THESE are the friends i want.

Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty. ~Sicilian Proverb

i think there is a fine line most everyone walks between not being mean and being fake nice.  i think in our next incarnation we should all have to wear signs.  one that will say "please be nice to me, i need the encouragement".  the other will say "save your bullshit, i dont need it".

in case  any of you are wondering - i'm wearing the 2nd one.






Monday, April 14, 2014

an open letter to the "sideline" parents

To all of the parents out there, and you know who you are, who would rather take the time to email and complain about the way something is being done rather than volunteer to help fix it - here's my response. MOVE ON.  THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU.  TAKE YOUR TOYS AND LEAVE.

Let me break it down.

Every parent is busy (check).  Many parents have multiple children (check).  Many parents have dual income families where both parents work (check).  And yet, SOME of these parents still find the time to volunteer. Whether its school or sports or scouts or dance or whatever....they VOLUNTEER.  Very few of us are sitting on the couch all day figuring out way to keep ourselves busy.  So PLEASE lets stop with the "I would help, but I'm just too busy".  We are ALL too busy.

None of us know how to do all the stuff that is asked of us.  I have 3 boys.  Clearly I have never played a boys sport, or done boy scouts.  I am not a licensed teacher.  Basically I have no experience that would make me more qualified than anyone else to be a room parent or a tball coach.  The good news is that in this day and age, you can LEARN ANYTHING with a little thing called the internet.  You can get project ideas and learn how to make duct tape hats. You can get any kind of sports instruction or drill known to man.  You just have to be WILLING to make the time to do so.

Nobody is perfectly happy with the way things are run.  From the top, down.  We have 2 choices.  Suck it up, or change it.  You can either live with it, or try to make it better.  And by trying to make it better, I don't mean bitching and complaining about it to everyone who will listen.  I mean HELPING.  STEPPING UP. Bringing whatever skills you may have to the table.  Obviously you are fairly apt with a keyboard, so why not help with registration or correspondence.  Organization is 90% of the challenge of running ANYTHING. Believe me, there is a job out there for ANYONE who wants to volunteer.

Now let's make it a bit more personal.

Coaches kids get "more"....more playing time, better teams, blah blah blah.  You can look at this 2 ways.  1) Many coaches kids spend more time working on their sport with those same parents that are coaching.  A lot of coaches kids had parents who played their sport - or a sport - and probably inherited some skill along the way.  or 2) they are VOLUNTEERING to coach their kid.  Many times that kid gets to play at a higher level than maybe another kid.  If you don't think that's fair, YOU VOLUNTEER.  Because if your kid is one of the many many kids out there whose parents think they deserve to be on the best team, YOU must have some skill yourself.....go ahead and lend it to the program.

9 years ago there was no travel baseball in my area.  Many of our local kids were not making our high school team because they were not exposed to the same level of talent.  So guess what.  We started a travel baseball program.  We had to recruit my father to coach, scrape together funds, and beg people to play that first year.  But guess what?  We were unhappy with where we were....so we CHANGED it.  4 years later, there was no local lacrosse.  SO WE STARTED A LEAGUE.  Do you know how many of my kids play in that travel baseball organization that i spent 4 years of my life on?  ZERO (thank you lacrosse).  But another great group of super busy parents stepped up to take that on, so that we could move on as well.

When we started our lacrosse league 5 years ago, we had EXACTLY 2 men that had ever played the sport to help us.  Every single person from that point on that has volunteered to coach has had to LEARN THE GAME.  Online drills, skills clinics, hands on coaching.  They have all taken the TIME from their very busy lives to help.  Not so that THEIR kid could make the better team.  BELIEVE THAT.  These coaches and team parents are helping ALL of the kids, not just theirs.  I have exactly NO PATIENCE for parents who want to drop their kids off at a practice 2x a week and then complain about the results.  You want your kid to get better, WORK WITH HIM.  You want your team to be  better, HELP OUT.  You want a voice in the organization, SHOW UP.

We are living in a culture where everyone is entitled and no one is responsible.  It is not my job to parent, coach, entertain, discipline, or love your child.  That's YOUR JOB.  Stop expecting others to do it for you and then being unsatisfied with the results.

To everyone out there that volunteers their time, energy, voice and skill to ANYTHING that involved the kids - I say THANK YOU. And THANK YOU AGAIN.

For those of you who don't - I say DON'T COMPLAIN.  I don't care if you help.  I really don't.  But if you don't, you get what you get.  And the next time you want to complain to someone who is working a full-time job, running an 11 team league, coaching a youth AND high school team, and still trying to be a dad, I say TAKE A LONG LOOK IN THE MIRROR FIRST.

Sunday, March 30, 2014

look at her




this has been a very interesting little bit of time in my life.  i'm FINALLY doing work that satisfies me and yet i find myself in the position of hearing A LOT about the things that we, as women, are NOT happy about in respect to our bodies.

so this is what i've learned in the last lets say 20 years about that. women are more critical about themselves than anyone else is about them.  you can bet that there is not ONE THING that someone else could say to criticize us that we have not already thought about and probably obsessed over.  we are our own worst enemies.  no matter how much progress we make, we are ALWAYS looking at how much more there is to do.

Everything has beauty, but not everyone sees it.  ~Confucius

and we do this about everything. we spend our lives second guessing and comparing.....and for what?  to get the approval of whom?  at the end of the day, who is it that we need to be able to look at and say "dammit, i'm great the way i am"?  its an interesting question.  because for every be happy with who you are motto and quote and self help bs you find out there, there are ten thousand other images and quotes to still make you feel like shit.  we are a competitive society.  we want the "best" for our kids and for ourselves.  but there is no "best".  its an indefinable word.  and in its inherent ambiguity, we are striving for the unattainable.  we are setting ourselves up for failure.  because at the end of the day, what's best for you and whats best for me probably arent the same thing.  and yet we are both still competing over it.

so we spend our days looking at what other people have and want and look like, and try to mimic it.  when in reality, what they have is not what is going to work for us.  we've been taught from birth that complacency is the devil.  we have to want more, do more and be MORE.  which again, makes us look around at what we are lacking.  as opposed to looking around at what we already have or done and being satisfied.  what is WRONG with us?

It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere. ~Agnes Repplier

i can relate this best to body image.  because that is what i'm faced with on a daily basis.  let's face it. no 2 bodies are alike.  we are all INHERENTLY unique.  which is super cool.  and yet, somehow somewhere along the way, someone decided that beauty had a standard.  and over time that standard changed.  which in and of itself sets us up for failure, right?  it CHANGES.  so even if you finally attain the "standard" for beauty, chances are it wont be what it was when you started on your quest.  is the goal skinny?  strong? voluptuous?  is it a certain height or weight?  and who decides?  do you see where im going with this??  we have to stop comparing ourselves to other people.  period.  which is really ridiculously hard to do.  i know. but it's imperative.  because otherwise, we never get to happy.  i'm not saying you shouldn't have goals.  you should. but they should be YOURS.

every single day in the gym and in my studio, i watch people work their asses off to get better. which is awesome.  i love it.  sincerely.  i love every second of it.  BUT, (and this is a big BUT) i also see how we beat ourselves up.  because look at her.  and her.  and her.  i know i've made a lot of progress but LOOK AT HER.  can we please STOP looking at HER.  SHE is looking at someone else.  believe me.  THERE IS NO PERFECT HER.  what i think is attractive and what you think is attractive are probably completely different.  you will always be too fat, or too skinny, or too muscular, or too flabby for SOMEONE.  but for someone else, you just might be perfect.  do i think we need to be concerned about our health?  yup.  do  i think you need to exercise?  absolutely.  do i care if you can bench press your weight?  nope.  but what do you care what i think anyway?  because even if I think you are absolutely perfect, you can bet the girl one bench or treadmill over is still critiquing you.  YOU HAVE TO LET IT GO!

Grace is within you. If it were external, it would be useless. ~Ramana Maharshi

why should you try to improve yourself?  because YOU want to.  because you want to be healthy for your kids or your spouse.  because you want to compete at a certain level. because you're fighting a losing battle with age and metabolism.  or you want to kick ass in a bikini.  it doesnt matter why.  it only matters that the REASON is YOURS.  and that you measure your progress by YOU.  not society.  not tv.  definitely not victoria's secret.  just YOU.  how do you YOU feel?  if you feel great, then EFF everyone else.  seriously.

we can do this.  we really can.  its time to stop the madness, people.  embrace your gifts. whatever they happen to be.  because we ALL have gifts.  its time to put a little more focus on what you ARE, and less on what you are NOT.

Friday, February 14, 2014

UN-Valentine's Day

For anyone who has lost a loved one, holidays are especially challenging.  When everyone else is happy and celebrating, you are thinking "this would be so much better IF ONLY".  It's the "if only's" that really get us.  If only i had known that she wouldn't be here, what would i have done differently.  If only i had known this would be the last easter/christmas/newyears/birthday i would have done a better job at letting her know i loved her & appreciated her.  if only i had taken more pictures or stored more memories....paid more attention when we were doing all the seemlingly normal things we did together.  then MAYBE it would be easier to understand or easier to take when days like today roll around.  not that we dont miss her all the time.  but some days are just plain harder than others.  this is one of them.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. – Kahlil Gibran

for us, valentine's day is particularly difficult because it is Tiff's birthday.  and as anyone who knew her well, knows, we have ALWAYS had to celebrate her birthday over and above any kind of hearts and flowers holiday!  so the days leading up to valentines day are not full of what should i get or where should i go. they are full of UGH i hate valentines day.  its so hard. why is everyone else so damn happy, when i am just so sad?   I DREAD IT.  kind of for me.  but mostly for kris....and jim.  its a double whammy. because you cant get away from it.  its EVERYWHERE. hearts and flowers and romance and lovey dovey stuff oozing from everything!  i know like every holiday, its overcommercialized, but WOW is valentines day off the hook - or maybe it just seems that way now.  either way, you can feel the date LOOMING for weeks.  and then you wake up to all this sunshine & light from all these people who just DONT understand that today is NOT a fun day.  but it is....for them.

Every life has a measure of sorrow, and sometimes this is what awakens us. Steven Tyler

that's where the next step starts - coping.  every year (i hope) it will get easier.  but this will ALWAYS be Tiff's day.  kris will always wake up sad. and i will always make a big production of NOT celebrating valentine's day.  i think i've decided to treat it more like a cross between easter & halloween.  cuz that's about as far away from hearts and flowers as you can get.  i made up baskets of candy (mostly easter because our crazy ass stores cant wait to put easter candy out) and im throwing a big old drunken blowout. because why not.  why not try to make this day about something at least a little fun.  tiff would appreciate that i think.  she was always up for a party. and at some point we have to start figuring out how to stop hating this day.  maybe eventually our new UN-valentine's tradition will start to take away some of the sting.  maybe it will never go away....i guess only time will tell.

in the meantime, for so many different reasons, i'm joining the land of Vday haters.  i dont need one day to show everyone how much i love them.  if i've learned nothing else from losing tiff....and aunt bobbie, it's that EVERY day should be valentine's day.  life is a funny, hard, complicated mess most of the time.  but even so, its full of amazing people EVERY DAY who make you smile, laugh and feel loved.  i hope you take the time to tell them that when it happens.  don't wait for one special day.  because the meaning of that special day can change in an instant.  

today is the day i'm going to stop trying to think "if only" and start thinking "i'd better".  i'd better say i love you when i think it.  reach out and not hold back. stop waiting for a better time or a better way to express myself.  i'm not always the best friend or wife or mother out there.  but i truly do appreciate each and every one of my friends and family.  you all bring something completely UNIQUE to my life and if i haven't said it before, i'm sure i meant to....i love you. thank you for being who you are, and being in my life.

“Love doesn’t make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile.” ― Franklin P. Jones

happy UN-valentine's day to you all :) ...... the party starts at 8!