Saturday, May 26, 2012
just done
i've been joking off and on for years that i'm going to be that person you see on the news that completely loses their shit one day out of blue - and all of the people you interview will say - i just didnt see it coming, she alwasy seemed so together....at least that's what i'd like to think people would say. the point is, i've been a candidate for a fairly major breakdown for quite awhile....which makes me feel like a big baby....certainly many many other people out there have it waaaay worse than me. it just all seems to catch up at once. i am at the point where i literally FEEL the weight bearing down on my shoulders.....and i just dont know how to carry it all.
this year has been about all kinds of crossroads for me. i'm having trouble at both ends of the school spectrum - i cant believe jake is going to be a senior - and my baby is leaving elementary school. i'm juggling work and family like always - so i'm not exactly sure why NOW seems to be the time when its too much - but it just is.
i have always prided myself on perserverance....but i'm not sure where to get it right now. we went to a friends house yesterday - and the long story short is that the boys called asking about dinner, and when i went to the car to get my credit card to order pizza - i just LOST IT....and left - AND left my husband there.....there seems to be this endless list of crap that i never ever get to.....and i feel like i ALWAYS am selling my kids short somehow.....so instead of laying by the pool having a beer - i went home, threw in laundry and went to the grocery store.....all of which desperately needed to be done and i havent gotten to lately (hence the call for dinner).
like most of you, the "list" of daily tasks grows everyday....i'm just not sure when i lost control of it. but i did. at all times i have unopened mail & dirty clothes .... pretty normal - but right now i also cant seem to keep enough food in my house to feed the hordes of teenagers, or keep any kind of semblance of cleanliness in the house. and all of these are ridiculous things to stress about....but they just sit there every day, on top of the pile of THINGS from work, and work, and tiffs run, and school, and camps, and summer plans .... and ALL of THAT sits on top of the guilt and stress i feel about the kids being home for the summer basically alone, me not spending enough time with them, and of course my insane desire to actually attempt to get back into shape.
these are NORMAL everyday issues....and apparently i have lost the ability to cope with them. this morning, at our first softball game of 4 today, i literally yelled at an umpire - which i dont think in my 35 years of playing sports i have EVER done.....over his stupid strike zone (or in my defense, lack thereof)....but the point is, i am NOT that girl - im the joking jovial pitcher...softball is FUN for me....and i lost my shit at 10am.....for no apparent reason - and i'm pretty sure if my dad hadnt driven all the way down here to watch, i would've walked off and driven home - just like i did the other night.
i am literally stick a fork in me DONE in terms of my coping mechanism right now. and i'm sure there is a lesson in this somewhere. but i'm having trouble seeing it. this is one of those little picture getting in the way of the big picture challenges....and i'm totally up for suggestions.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
dont know how
Monday, May 21, 2012
from one year to the next
Sunday, May 20, 2012
warrior dash
its times like these when i wonder what the hell we are thinking? and the most obvious answer is that we all love a challenge....there is absolutely no other reason to do these kinds of events. none. i think the fact that we actually consider it fun makes us all a little screwy.....but it really is.
and what makes it fun is the camraderie.....being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same goal....finish the damn thing and grab a free beer :).....its the same at every race or run i've ever been to.....people of all ages, weights, fitness levels doing their thing.....and i'm always always shocked by the people who kick ass....here we are, a group of fairly fit, college level athletes - getting our ass cracked by a bunch of old people in camo, and moms in tutus, and guys in diapers.....its humbling to say the least.
Swallow your pride occasionally, it's non-fattening! author unknown
i enjoy a challenge....but mostly im at the point where if i dont have these crazy things to do, i may never get off my couch!! i have realized that i am no longer motivated to work out just for the sake of it....i make myself exercise so that at the NEXT crazy challenge i wont be the person in dead last....not that that's not okay - seriously as long as you are out there you deserve all the credit in the world.....and if you are out there and SHORT, you deserve all that and more - i swear the people who think up this crap are all 6 feet tall!! but thats just me :)
"I DONT HAVE TIME" is the adult version of "THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK"
we all have to figure out what motivates us....ive always been better with distractions.....and really thats what all these events are - exercise with distractions....perfect for my A.D.D. self.....and they make you SIGN UP!! its a whole lot harder to blow something off if you signed up and paid money....so all those mornings i dont want to go to they gym, i have to think about what i have coming up....and if i'm ready for it....THAT'S what gets me out of bed....not wanting to feel like dog poop at whatever the next thing i have coming up is.
i've spent a lot of time telling myself that i dont have time....but i do. i make time for what is important.....maybe traditional fitness isnt as important to me as it once was - clearly i'm not making as much time for it....but i'm keeping my feet in the water by signing up and showing up.....and i find im measuring myself by how i feel afterwards....and usually that's super tired, maybe a little sore, but very very satisfied with myself!!
this is the first time in my life that i've had what i would call a "run" buddy....and the funny thing is that we dont run together at all....but somehow we became partners in crime in keeping each other signed up for all this nonsense.....and it really helps knowing that someone else out there is not only doing it with you, but needs the same kind of motivation that you do. so if you dont have a crazy friend, i recommend trying to find one...or hooking up with us - we are signed up for all kinds of crazy this year.....all the way thru november :)
Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Attributed to Carl Bard
its never too late to start something new....its never too late to get involved....and its never too late to challenge yourself.....make the decision to try something new - see where it takes you :) you might end up covered in mud and soaking wet, but you might also find that you like it !!
Saturday, May 19, 2012
keeping the ball rolling
Friday, May 18, 2012
i'm baaack
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
time and talent
i wonder if everyone who can't sing really wishes they could? i know i do.... i think a large part of my love for music stems from my admiration of people with that kind of talent...since i have absolutely NO musical ability whatsoever.....and its interesting because my oldest sister CAN SING... i mean really sing....but she's never had any desire to sing in pubic....so very few people know that about her....which i think is crazy. if i could sing, you better believe i would out there at least kicking some ass at karoake :)
anyhow, i'm intrigued by how people use their talent and the ways in which they evolve. jake, much like me, loves music and has zero ability in that area.....but he is incredibly talented as a writer and an actor....which in my mind is where his "art" lies.....luke can rap and beatbox - which cracks me up - but is shy about it....and josh is just plain artistic - he draws, he writes, he makes movies, and he sings - but just a little.....now me, i'm a blossoming writer, and a doodler of the first order, but i think my real creative talent is all IDEA based....i can think of some really cool things - i just dont often have the skill set to bring them to life.....but its fun to try- and i love that all of my kids have some kind of art in them
i spend a lot of time telling my kids that you dont get to be great at everything....everyone has different talents and its where we focus our TIME that makes the difference.....for my boys, they have focused their TIME on sports.....they play something everyday - and that is their "talent" of choice.....if jake wants to be a better writer, then he has to write everyday....same with luke and his music....now josh is my only equal opportunity artist....he plays his sports but he also is pretty focused on whatever project he has working at the time....but hes also younger - i'm sure at some point one will start to take precedence over the other.....but maybe not....the only thing i know that as his time gets more limited he will have to decide where to spend it.....its the age old "jack of all trades, master of none" theory.....it seems like today we are continually being pushed to just focus on one thing.....instead of the whole big picture....
and i'm torn over whether thats the right answer or not....which is probably why i'm always such a basket case....because clearly there are some time challenges when you try to focus on lots of things at once.....i just usually think its worth it. but its hard to encourage your kids to do that when it seems like life is always going a thousand miles an hour....i do believe its important though....just because you may not be as good as drawing as you are at sports, doesn't mean you shouldnt draw...it just means that if you want to get better at it, you need to make time for it....or you just need to accept that drawing is a fun hobby and that you are never going to be the next picasso.....and that's FINE too...again, we cant all be great at everything....where's the fun in that?
i went into a cute little shop today, looking for mothers day presents, and saw some of the coolest handmade jewelry and pottery all made by local artists......and all i could think was, i could probably do that if i wanted to....and i could....i'm crafty and have gone thru the whole twisted metal/bead thing....i LOVE to make things...and when i had more time it was something i indulged in....i was never especially great at it, but i enjoyed it and sometimes i ended up with some pretty interesting things (like the wine bottle opener people)....the point is, when my time got a little more constrained, the sports remained and the crafts fell by the wayside....because my true talent and passion lies in athletics.....and i'm good with that.
that is where i have chosen to spend my time consistently....and at the end of the day its what i'm best at.
watching those contestants on the voice you realize that THEIR passion for music has obviously taken precedence over their other talents....but i'm sure they have them. its all a give and take relationship.....there are a billion well rounded people on earth who are pretty good at lots of things...but to be truly extraordinary at just ONE takes focus and drive and commitment. not that there is anything bad about that.....i just think that most of us would probably rather be pretty good at a lot, rather than just amazing at one....but maybe thats just me.
i hope my boys will continue to do as much as they can with all of the gifts they've been given - i hope jake continues to write and act....i hope luke goes out for unplugged next year and explores that side of his personality....and i hope josh continues to make movies and tell stories.....and i hope they all continue to love their sports.....because the nice thing about having a crazy mom is that i'm not expecting them to set the world on fire with any one thing....i just want them to have fun with whatever they find they are good at and that makes them happy. i'm a giant believer in juggling and doing as much as you can in the time you have.....because you never know what opportunity will be waiting around the next corner.....and just because sports were my choice doesnt mean it should be theirs.
Monday, May 7, 2012
the walk
the avon walk was everything i thought it would be - and more.....and less, if that makes sense. there were moments of blinding inspiration.....followed my hours of sheer monotony....oh, and blisters - really awful, truly yucky blisters.
i dont know how many of you have walked, but i know several of my friends have....and i have so much more respect for anyone who has done it and sheer amazement at the repeaters....because it was tough - both mentally and physically - and i guess that's the point - not only are you raising money, but you are trying to share in the empathy of those who suffer with cancer. the survivors ROCK!! they attack the walk and kick its ass - and maybe that's when motivation comes into play - if you have something to PROVE then maybe the walk is not monotonous....i feel like it was important for me to be there - to show solidarity and sisterhood - but i have to be honest - this was really hard for me......and probably not for the right reasons.
the team i walked with does it every year (god love them) - the woman who started the team walked WITH her mother the first year and then subsequently lost her - so for her and her sisters and family, it is a very personal journey - and when you are walking you see all the tributes and reasons people walk and you understand WHY its important....my favorite motivation - "we walk for those who can't" - my favorite slogan - "blisters dont need chemo" - they keep things in perspective....and help to keep you moving.
my challenge is that more recently my opinion on cancer and its fundraising and awareness objectives has changed....obviously everyone at the walk, or mostly everyone, has a very real tie to BREAST cancer - and while aunt bobbi had breast cancer, she also had cancer in her liver, bladder and stomach....and with the recent losses of laura and tiff to other forms of cancer, my heart just wasnt in the breast cancer mode....or not wholeheartedly - i clearly feel for those suffering with breast cancer but my "personal" motivation lies elsewhere.....so the actual WALKING part of this effort was a sheer battle of wills - between me and my feet and my subconscious.
picture the girl with NO ATTENTION SPAN - then picture her TRUDGING (because there is no other word for it) for ELEVEN HOURS.....now imagine that she has a strained achilles from her first half marathon, so she's walking funny.....which creates 2 MASSIVE blisters on her heels......now these are all just annoyances, right - because clearly blisters dont need chemo - so i should just shut up.....but the thing is i'm BORED on top of it.....i've been in dc a zillion times - there's no oohing and ahhing over the scenery - just a very slow, very long countdown......with nothing to do but THINK....which is never good for me.....and then every so often someone says "isn't this FUN"??? and i think, um NO its not fun....not even a little....have you seen the movie Remember the Titans? when coach boone is harassing petey for thinking football is fun....and when he finally asks him "is football fun now?" petey says "no, no sir....ZERO FUN, sir"....well that's the quote that kept popping up in my head if that tells you anything....
Friday, May 4, 2012
journeys
Barbara DeAngelis
id say that the best thing that has come out of this blog for me has been as a connection to other people who seem to be on this same journey....its realizing that even though i may feel alone, i never really am.....and hopefully sharing the ups and downs is my version of putting a small dent in the universe :) but i think there is still more that i can do....
as i was packing my stuff for the avon walk this weekend, all i could think about was how many people out there are doing the same thing - trying to prepare for 39 miles in questionable weather - i can honestly say its the first time i've packed my stuff in plastic bags (and who knew you could buy 10 gallon zip lock bags) before the actual overnight bag.....this might also be a good time to mention i am NOT a camper, and the thought of sleeping outside is seriously messing with me....but i'm gonna save that topic for the blog AFTER the walk :)
anyway, the point is everyone that is participating in this walk has personal reasons for doing it....but also is trying to send out good karma and positive vibes - along with the whole fundraising thing.....its a large scale effort to make a big dent in a horrible disease - and the organizers of both the avon walk and the susan g komen foundation have done wonders in the battle against breast cancer.....so when you add all of the small individual dents together, you realize you can have a HUGE impact.....after all, thats our power when we work together, right?
we all find our inspiration in different ways....but i guess really what hit me today is that we can have as big or as little an impact as we choose...its a matter of motivation and dedication....yes, the larger the impact the more work involved...but great things rarely happen without a ton of work. so this year, at this walk, i will be learning.....i have a lot of pieces to my own personal puzzle coming together - and i think i was meant to be right here, right now....because the big giant dent that we are going to make together is on its way....its time to put the reality of CANCER on everyone's map....not just those fighting breast cancer.....and the reality is, a large part of the reason that breast cancer is so curable now is because someone decided to make it an issue.....those original pioneers in the komen foundation made such a dent in their universe that their legacy will never be forgotten - they have impacted millions of people in a positive way.....and there is no reason we can't do the same.....its just a matter of stepping up and aiming high.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
life is like a hoopty tractor
lets be honest - i am NOT a domestic diva....i could care less about having the right furniture or the nicest kitchen....my house to me is just a place that we all get to live in and spend time together.....i love it for its function, not its appearance....i am not a pottery barn shopper and never will be....as a matter of fact the only thing i usually notice about my house is how much dog hair has accumulated in between the times i've found to vaccuum....that's not to say i want to live in an unattractive or dirty space, i'm just not super concerned about it being a showplace of any kind....i just want it to be comfy and welcoming.
its funny what you get used to....i know i've said several times that i'm great at starting things....well that applies to house stuff too....we have about 6 fairly small house projects that will never actually be finished - and i'm sure it drives my parents batshit insane that i have had a fairly large piece of drywall missing from the entrance to my family room (where we busted it moving a couch) that may never get fixed....so if you are sitting at my kitchen table and happen to glance over, you see a big old chunk of metal....but you see, i just dont really get bothered by that stuff.....i'm sure that makes me lazy somehow but i honestly just dont care.
and then there is the yard itself.....i am ANTI-yard work like you would not believe....we do not mulch anything or plant anything that cant be very easily yanked out.....i have never thrown down grass seed or weed killer of any kind - i have a kind of "live and let live" agreement with whatever grows in my yard....the irony is that i can grow just about anything in the 2x10 foot plot in front of my garage...its actually comical - i throw out sunflower seeds, a few tomato seeds, and whatever else josh picks out, and by mid june i have a full on garden in the space where my GARAGE DOOR used to be!! ridiculous....
why am i rambling about this? well, because i also live in a place where everyone on earth sees my house and yard...so i feel morally obligated to cut the damn lawn fairly regularly....ok yes i have 3 boys, 2 of whom can cut the grass - but its lax season and of course they are all super busy.....so lawn care, such as it is, falls to me right now....i have a hate hate relationship with my tractor, ever since kris broke a hook of some kind and melted our lid to the engine.....of course, being us, we just took off the lid and now we sport a lidless, engine displaying hoopty lawnmower....its awesome!! and ridiculous....and i never understand why people who run or ride or walk by are laughing when they see me on it!! today was especially fun because we just got it back from the repair guy.....who assured me it was good to go....to which i can now say MAYBE he's right....but i spent 2 hours riding my lawnmower, with no lid, billowing white smoke and cutting out every other turn....it was entertaining to say the least.
and of course it made me think.....i should probably just go buy another lawnmower.....we need one ( obviously), and i have ZERO patience for things that dont work.....but i just cant seem to bring myself to.....just like i'm never gonna fix my drywall....these little quirky things DEFINE my life....as long as i can keep getting them to do the job, then they are good enough for me... you see, i'm realizing more and more that its all about comfort.....and while i wouldnt necessarily categorize myself as someone who stays in their comfort zone, i am learning that i like to keep my surroundings pretty comfortable.....and by that i dont mean just cozy or soft - i mean WHAT I EXPECT.....while it may annoy me that my tractor looks ridiculous, i know what settings i use and where it fits in the shed, and that if i'm nice enough to it, it will come thru for me. and somehow if i replace it with a nice new shiny tractor, i'm going to have to change my routine - because a nicer tractor will demand more attention, right?!! where my crappy little tractor is fine just staying under the radar :) just like my kitchen drywall.....you know if i fix that drywall i'm gonna have to paint my whole kitchen - which means changing my pictures and needing new stuff to hang up.....but right now, i dont need to do any of that - i just need to ignore the hole!
its a pretty ridiculous philosophy when you think about it....but it works for me.....i may be a little broken....and i could definitely use some patching up....but at my center, i'm still gonna get the job done....and its okay that i may be a little worse for wear.....and that my outside isnt as pretty as it used to be - because on the inside i am still me - and i get more comfortable with that everyday :)
sentimentality
if life is truly a journey, then i am going to try to spend a good part of the rest of this year MEANDERING thru it....as opposed to racing at my usual speed of light. i was reading thru the senior night book at lacrosse tonight fighting tears - just like i am now....i dont want these kids to graduate....and i definitely dont want MINE to graduate next year....i mean i do, for him - just not for me....sometimes i selfishly want to go back and have a redo....not because i would change anything, but just so that i get to do it again...
of course then i see my friends who have little kids, and who want to rip their hair out everyday and i think i probably remember it being so much more fun than it actually was at the moment :)
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
june cleaver
so i'm sitting with the family watching the VOICE when a commercial comes on for the new dyson vacuums...which are admittedly somewhat cool looking for an outrageously expensive cleaning tool.....when the tag line shows up that says...."on sale now, thru mother's day".
now i admit that i am not a giant fan of housework - i mean really, who is? well ok, besides my mom - and maybe kris ohler, who somehow ended up adopting my mom's scary vacuuming in triangles thing....UGH. anyway, i can honestly say i was completely taken aback by that commercial....all i can think is REALLY??? what freakin YEAR is this?? is it AT ALL APPROPRIATE that someone is advertising a cleaning tool as a great mothers day gift?? lets celebrate the awesome job you are doing RAISING YOUR CHILDREN by buying you something to clean up after them with???? um, no thank you.
again, i realize that there are many women out there who take a great deal of pride in keeping a lovely and clean home - and who consider it a part of their job.....and if that's the case, then a) go you and b) you probably would appreciate a high end vacuum cleaner - but i 'm pretty sure its still not an appropriate MOTHERS DAY GIFT....its like saying, you really only deserve something that helps you take better care of me...as opposed to something cool or relaxing or i dont know, PERSONAL.....
-- Erma Bombeck
here's where my tirade takes a turn....i firmly believe that the women's movement was the worst thing that ever happened to women....well, maybe not the worst exactly, but it created this completely unrealistic expectation where women are supposed to play the role of the traditional stay at home mom AND earn a working woman's salary..... this is where i should say that my mom stayed home....and i appreciated that more than i can tell you....and i would say that my parents had the traditional roles down pat....my dad worked hard, and worked overtime if thats what was necessary so that my mom could stay home.....he mowed the lawn and paid the bills and generally fixed all the stuff that ever broke....ward cleaver jobs.....and my mother took care of the kids and the house and kept our household running like a well oiled machine....she cooked dinner every night and cleaned the house EVERYDAY.....it was (and still is) a partnership...it certainly wasnt always perfect, but they each played a role and did their job as it was defined within our family. and its funny because i'm sure my mother probably didnt like being so dependent on my dad....and that was the downside - women wanted more, deserved more than to be so singularly defined.
HOWEVER, what apparently happened was women started fighting the work fight - which again, i'm in no way opposed to just for the record.....and yet when it came time to have a family, somehow the burden of childrearing still fell mostly on the shoulders of the mom.....so here we are today - supposedly equal, right? yet now instead of JUST working or JUST raising our kids, we are all doing BOTH...and i dont know about you guys, but i find it EXHAUSTING! and i'm so super offended that some asshat in some marketing company thinks its okay to try to sell my family a fucking vacuum as a PRESENT for mothers day. i can't imagine they are going to run that same special for fathers day, now are they?? my husband is fully capable of running a damn vacuum - and while im at it, we pay someone to clean the freakin house anyway since neither of us has the time!!! should i buy my cleaning lady a vacuum for mothers day??? i'm sure she'd rather have a damn day off, or flowers, or a massage - just like the rest of us!
-- Rita Mae Brown
its just one of those things that CLEARLY strikes a nerve....maybe everyone else out there is perfectly happy with our progress.....i just find it still so patronizing.....i know there are men out there who are single dads or primary caregivers or even super helpful husbands....im not man bashing in any way....what im saying is that while i think women have made huge strides in the workplace, they have never given up the responsibility in the home - and probably never will.....and probably shouldn't if it comes to that....i love being a mom more than anything else in the world....and i will consider myself a completely successful person in this life if my kids grow up to be happy (and lets throw in self sufficient).....i dont need to define myself by the job i do OUTSIDE of the house....but we have created an environment where its almost impossible to have a one income family anymore....traditional roles be damned - who can afford them?? and still that stupid marketing guy thinks i want a VACUUM cleaner???
who knew a commercial would throw me over the edge? you never know these days what's gonna do it :) all i do know is that being a woman of a certain age has certain advantages.....and while number one is being able to speak my mind.....number two is definitely NOT having to pick up anyone elses shit if i dont feel like it!! i hope that marketing guy buys his wife a super expensive dyson vacuum for mothers day....and she beats his ass with it!
hows that for sunshine & light :)