Saturday, May 26, 2012

just done

i'm sure you're shocked that i am having trouble uploading the picture i want....so after i sit here for 20 minutes trying, i have this big fat internal debate about whether or not to even bother with the blog.....because that's just where i am right now.

i've been joking off and on for years that i'm going to be that person you see on the news that completely loses their shit one day out of blue - and all of the people you interview will say - i just didnt see it coming, she alwasy seemed so together....at least that's what i'd like to think people would say. the point is, i've been a candidate for a fairly major breakdown for quite awhile....which makes me feel like a big baby....certainly many many other people out there have it waaaay worse than me. it just all seems to catch up at once. i am at the point where i literally FEEL the weight bearing down on my shoulders.....and i just dont know how to carry it all.

this year has been about all kinds of crossroads for me. i'm having trouble at both ends of the school spectrum - i cant believe jake is going to be a senior - and my baby is leaving elementary school. i'm juggling work and family like always - so i'm not exactly sure why NOW seems to be the time when its too much - but it just is.

i have always prided myself on perserverance....but i'm not sure where to get it right now. we went to a friends house yesterday - and the long story short is that the boys called asking about dinner, and when i went to the car to get my credit card to order pizza - i just LOST IT....and left - AND left my husband there.....there seems to be this endless list of crap that i never ever get to.....and i feel like i ALWAYS am selling my kids short somehow.....so instead of laying by the pool having a beer - i went home, threw in laundry and went to the grocery store.....all of which desperately needed to be done and i havent gotten to lately (hence the call for dinner).

like most of you, the "list" of daily tasks grows everyday....i'm just not sure when i lost control of it. but i did. at all times i have unopened mail & dirty clothes .... pretty normal - but right now i also cant seem to keep enough food in my house to feed the hordes of teenagers, or keep any kind of semblance of cleanliness in the house. and all of these are ridiculous things to stress about....but they just sit there every day, on top of the pile of THINGS from work, and work, and tiffs run, and school, and camps, and summer plans .... and ALL of THAT sits on top of the guilt and stress i feel about the kids being home for the summer basically alone, me not spending enough time with them, and of course my insane desire to actually attempt to get back into shape.

these are NORMAL everyday issues....and apparently i have lost the ability to cope with them. this morning, at our first softball game of 4 today, i literally yelled at an umpire - which i dont think in my 35 years of playing sports i have EVER done.....over his stupid strike zone (or in my defense, lack thereof)....but the point is, i am NOT that girl - im the joking jovial pitcher...softball is FUN for me....and i lost my shit at 10am.....for no apparent reason - and i'm pretty sure if my dad hadnt driven all the way down here to watch, i would've walked off and driven home - just like i did the other night.

i am literally stick a fork in me DONE in terms of my coping mechanism right now. and i'm sure there is a lesson in this somewhere. but i'm having trouble seeing it. this is one of those little picture getting in the way of the big picture challenges....and i'm totally up for suggestions.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

dont know how




i spend a lot of time thinking (and sometimes saying) "i dont know how she/he.....gets all that done, does their job, looks like that, etc etc etc" - sometimes its a positive and sometimes its a negative....it just always seems to be one of those questions that hangs out "there".....and i realized at some point yesterday, i'm never going to know HOW someone else accomplishes anything...just that they do. we all have our own unique systems of coping, of getting things done, of being successful - and they must ALL work - because we all get it done.


everything in this life is relative to the way in which you are looking at it. one persons busy is another persons normal.....and one persons organized is someone elses disarray....thats what makes us each unique. we just did "personality" training for work - where you take that DISC profile test....i wont bore you with details, but the short and quick is D is dominance, I is influence, S is steadiness, and C is compliance for the brief descriptions.....apparently we all fall somewhere within these 4 basic personality traits....and everyone is a mixture to some degree.....but no matter WHAT kind of person we are, we all figure out HOW to get things done.


the fact that i'm a high D means that i try to control the situation...i like to be in charge (go figure...i'm sure you are all shocked)....but that's clearly NOT the only way to get things done....there is a huge difference in style between a D and an I....but we both are gonna make you do what we want :).


Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. ~Abraham Lincoln


the irony is that not everyone WANTS the stuff they have to hustle for....and i dont know why its so hard to keep perspective....some people WANT to make a billion dollars - and they are willing to do whatever THAT takes, but might not walk across the street to save a puppy. another person might save a million puppies, but live in a hovel. neither is right - they are just different. its funny to me because while i am super driven to accomplish what I believe is important - clearly i dont think everything is important....i have ZERO desire to win a race of any kind......or keep my house clean.....and while i love animals, that's not where my charitable impulses drive me - well, maybe a little -but not like my son or my sister. anyone with facebook knows what causes you champion.....so i encourage you to pay attention next time you are scrolling around. rather than make judgements based on their "ecard" posts, see what links they like and think about it.....people are really rather cool and interesting if you look at them without the single minded view of whats important to YOU.


why does this matter? it doesnt really. i've just come to realize after spending time with people who have REAL challenges and who are just trying to make their best effort to get from one day to the next, that all the bullshit doesnt help. if you like your wine - then i say enjoy it. if you want to rid the world of bpa in dog food - then go for it. do what YOU do....and stop worrying about HOW or WHY everyone else does it.


they just do...and so should you.

Monday, May 21, 2012

from one year to the next

you will notice an ABSENCE of pictures in this blog....that's because i'm boycotting pictures for the moment. i am all for being confident in your skin and loving your body the way that it is BLAH BLAH BLAH....on a good day i can rationalize eating whatever i want (thank you lisa)..... i ROCK slogans like "ive been skinny, its boring" (kate winslet in case you are wondering)....anything that makes it okay for me to shove a gourmet cupcake in my face....and i LOVE it....so again, on a good day, i'm cool with the fact that i'm heavier this year than last....i've had quite a few life challenges and schedule changes.....and i can make up 95 excuses why its harder for me to get to the gym...OH, AND i turned 40, so my metabolism DEFINITELY has something to do with it.


HOWEVER, there also comes a time when you look at a picture of yourself and think "WHO is that FAT CHIC standing next to my husband"....ok ok ok, fat chic is kind of harsh, but i'm no nicer to myself than to any of you. i really wish in my hard of hearts that weight DIDN'T matter to me....that i felt as cute and sexy and confident at ANY weight....but i dont. and that just SUCKS!


so here i am, looking at my warrior dash pictures.....which was awesome and made me feel like hey, i'm in better shape than i thought really - for a lard ass that stopped working out. and then i hold the picture up next to the SAME picture from last year.....same pose...same people.....just a MUCH SMALLER me....WHAT THE FUCK??? talk about a mood killer, right?


how many times can we see a picture of our "former self" and think DAMN - and i thought i looked fat THEN? its a never ending cycle of self criticism. and its demoralizing. i am a strong person. i dont judge my self by my looks....but dammit i feel better when i look better.....and im just not making it a priority. and i'm not sure i really want to....well i definately don't WANT to - until i look at those damn pictures.


it doesnt matter how many times you read "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...its bullshit. you know what tastes better than skinny feels? ICE CREAM..and CUPCAKES....and MARGARITAS.....


skinny LOOKS good, but it tastes shitty....and for all you skinny (and fit) people out there, i know you have convinced yourself that your "food is fuel" mentality is satisfying, but you secretly crave a big fat milkshake....you just dont give in to it....and THAT is the real benefit of reaching your goal....you've WON the fight - and you no longer have the daily "i really want that cookie" struggle. i've been there....its AWESOME when you truly dont WANT a cookie - cuz you look goooood in your jeans, grrrl.

but then something happens (or it does if you're me) - and you think "i can have ONE cupcake....its a special occasion"....next thing you know you are looking at a fat girl standing next to your husband....its a slippery slope indeed.


so how do i fix it? one damn day at a time.....i'm officially on cupcake hiatus.....if you see me with one, smack it out of my hand (and then RUN REALLY FAST)....because NEXT year at the warrior dash im either going to be back to my fighting weight - or i'm going to find someone heavier than kris to stand next to!!!


its easy to say.....sure im going to eat better...and work out more - unless i dont feel like it or dont grocery shop or cave in when i'm feeding the kids.....its all a matter of importance....until its IMPORTANT enough for me to PASS up the yummy food and settle for the "fuel" food, i just wont stick to it.....but i have to say im awfully close to that point. unfortunately, that point was not EXACTLY today.....what can i say, i'm weak.


so i did what every girl does when she feels fat.....i ate a cookie and dyed my hair!!! let's hope i find some REAL motivation tomorrow :)






Sunday, May 20, 2012

warrior dash

today was that day of the year when all of the southern marylanders who consider themselves athletes got together to torture themselves with water and mud....running (or walking) 3.1 miles thru an obstacle laden course......finished off by a lovely crawl under barbed wire thru smelly, funky, nasty sludgy mud.....FUN!! and we PAID to do it!!


its times like these when i wonder what the hell we are thinking? and the most obvious answer is that we all love a challenge....there is absolutely no other reason to do these kinds of events. none. i think the fact that we actually consider it fun makes us all a little screwy.....but it really is.





and what makes it fun is the camraderie.....being surrounded by hundreds of people who all have the same goal....finish the damn thing and grab a free beer :).....its the same at every race or run i've ever been to.....people of all ages, weights, fitness levels doing their thing.....and i'm always always shocked by the people who kick ass....here we are, a group of fairly fit, college level athletes - getting our ass cracked by a bunch of old people in camo, and moms in tutus, and guys in diapers.....its humbling to say the least.





Swallow your pride occasionally, it's non-fattening! author unknown

i enjoy a challenge....but mostly im at the point where if i dont have these crazy things to do, i may never get off my couch!! i have realized that i am no longer motivated to work out just for the sake of it....i make myself exercise so that at the NEXT crazy challenge i wont be the person in dead last....not that that's not okay - seriously as long as you are out there you deserve all the credit in the world.....and if you are out there and SHORT, you deserve all that and more - i swear the people who think up this crap are all 6 feet tall!! but thats just me :)

"I DONT HAVE TIME" is the adult version of "THE DOG ATE MY HOMEWORK"


we all have to figure out what motivates us....ive always been better with distractions.....and really thats what all these events are - exercise with distractions....perfect for my A.D.D. self.....and they make you SIGN UP!! its a whole lot harder to blow something off if you signed up and paid money....so all those mornings i dont want to go to they gym, i have to think about what i have coming up....and if i'm ready for it....THAT'S what gets me out of bed....not wanting to feel like dog poop at whatever the next thing i have coming up is.

i've spent a lot of time telling myself that i dont have time....but i do. i make time for what is important.....maybe traditional fitness isnt as important to me as it once was - clearly i'm not making as much time for it....but i'm keeping my feet in the water by signing up and showing up.....and i find im measuring myself by how i feel afterwards....and usually that's super tired, maybe a little sore, but very very satisfied with myself!!


this is the first time in my life that i've had what i would call a "run" buddy....and the funny thing is that we dont run together at all....but somehow we became partners in crime in keeping each other signed up for all this nonsense.....and it really helps knowing that someone else out there is not only doing it with you, but needs the same kind of motivation that you do. so if you dont have a crazy friend, i recommend trying to find one...or hooking up with us - we are signed up for all kinds of crazy this year.....all the way thru november :)


Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. ~Attributed to Carl Bard


its never too late to start something new....its never too late to get involved....and its never too late to challenge yourself.....make the decision to try something new - see where it takes you :) you might end up covered in mud and soaking wet, but you might also find that you like it !!




Saturday, May 19, 2012

keeping the ball rolling



i love my kids.....im pretty sure that goes without saying.....but they are pretty cool all the way around....and it amazes me when i look at them and realize not only how different they all are, but how incredible they are at rocking their individuality....


this picture kind of sums it up.....jake is a responsible character, luke is 100% okay with himself just like he is, and josh is my vibrant animal lover.


and they all do nothing but bring the sunshine....even when they dont.


we are going thru a phase at home where i am working on making the boys realize the big picture ramifications of their actions.....it seems like a pretty obvious thing, but kids are often so focused on what is right in front of them (like adults) that they dont see what is going on around them.


jake is my shining example right now- he has had a week of AP tests, along with the rest of his normal stuff....he is worn out mentally and just not seeing the big deal in skipping the warrior dash....he overcommitted and underorganized - and was trying his best to blow it off...normally that might not be a biggie....HOWEVER, this just happens to be a weekend following ANOTHER weekend where he was overcommitted and skipped luke's birthday extravaganza scavenger hunt.....and both of these events were things luke was counting on jake for. i am truly blessed that my boys are friends....but like friends do, they sometimes take each other for granted....luke was SUPER disappointed that the warrior dash was falling thru, and jake was both missing luke's feelings about it and kind of ignoring the fact that i paid $65 for his registration....


on another day, in another frame of mind, i let it go....jake DOES have a lot on his plate....but if he is anything like me, he will ALWAYS have too much to do.....normally these optional things are NOT such a big deal.....but its the insidious negative habit that i'm taking objection to at the moment....


Wisdom is knowing what to do next; virtue is doing it. ~David Star Jordan


so, being the AWESOME mom that i am, i MADE him run it....at 8am this morning....before he had to drive to bowie to ref 5 lacrosse games. because to me, the bigger lesson here is that you follow thru....there's also a smaller lesson waiting in the wings on utilizing a google calendar so that you are NOT overcommitted....but that's for later.


here we are at 10 at night, and i'm feeling very guilty, because jake rolled in about an hour ago, clearly exhausted and still a little muddy. which of course stirs the old "wow are you mean" feelings....but i honestly think it was a good decision.....hopefully next time i ask him if he wants me to buy him a ticket for something, he will think to look at his calendar (and yes, he has one).....and hopefully he will recognize that his brothers COUNT on him to keep his word. luke also had a super long day today - he volunteered to coach 2 games in bowie when another coach backed out....and i can guarantee he would not have had quite as good an attitude about it if they had not done the run....the fact that jake stepped up for him not only made him happy, but showed that his brother does value his feelings........and i'm so proud of both of them.



that's it - that's all the saturday night wisdom i have.....and its not really wisdom - just kind of an out loud reflection. but i wanted to keep the blog ball rolling :) kris and i are doing the warrior dash tomorrow.....so i'm sure THAT will make for not only some fun pics, but also some great perspective when im the out of shape one in my group!!! can't wait!

Friday, May 18, 2012

i'm baaack

excuses, excuses, excuses - i've got a million of them.....let's just say i've experienced some technical difficulties layered on top of some out of the ordinary circumstances which led me to a particularly long fall off the wagon...


but i'm back - and its official - i can say that because i actually registered a domain name (http://www.aquillnaway.com/) so that hopefully i can get more interactive and add some links and things to take this fun little experiment to the next level...so my time away was not all in vain.




to catch everyone up it goes a little like - avon walk - giantly huge blisters - sporadic blogging....leading to the urban race in dc with my parents lisa and luke for luke's birthday, mothers day/luke's birthday....right into a full week out of town for 12 hr a day training....let's just say, its been entertaining.....


i'm going to work backwards.....at the end of this incredibly long, mentally taxing and sometimes downright boring week of training, i had a moment that made it all worthwhile.....not to say i didn't learn alot this week - because i did - i have blog fodder for days - but one of our vice presidents gave a presentation on "getting what you're worth"....of course as this relates to sales, its fairly obvious....however, it has long reaching implications.....and it just set off a spark.



Exert your talents, and distinguish yourself, and don't think of retiring from the world, until the world will be sorry that you retire....Samuel Johnson




do you ever question your value? what you bring to the table? or are you sure of yourself to the point that you GET what it is that sets you apart. clearly this applies at work....are you getting paid what you should? do your customers see your value? do you bring value? or just collect a paycheck? all interesting things to consider. but as i was sitting in my hotel room every night, all i could think about was how much i felt like my kids dont need me anymore.....but honestly i know that's not true. the fact that they can get by without me, means i've done my job so far.....and my VALUE to them is not just about what i can do for them, but about what i have TAUGHT them....its a cumulative worth....and i feel pretty good about it.


our job in life is to be worth more than we cost.....on a lot of levels.....its not just a p&l statement....its a mission....do i carry my weight or do you have to drag me around? it all works together.....but at the end of the day when you look in the mirror, are you carrying your load? the load of everyone around you? or are you letting everyone else carry you? think about it?


Don't try to be different. Just be good. To be good is different enough. ~Arthur Freed


hard work alone wont get it done......you have to work hard AND be good.....you need to expect great things to happen and then WORK to make them a reality, whether its in work or in life or hopefully in both.....life IS work when you think about it..... i know my life is not just "there"....its something i work at - to shape it into what i want it to be.....and if i want it to have VALUE, i have to earn it.....i have to combine all the things i am good at, all the things i am passionate about, all the things that are challenging for me - and then work my ass off to get the very best i can from all of them....and THAT is when life is satisfying and fulfilling......its knowing you've done a good job - something you can be proud of, or happy about......life CAN just happen to you....but why would you want it to, when you have the option of trying to steer it?


my vice president ended his remarks with what i named the "lightbulb theory".....he said that no matter how bad he might be feeling or what else he had going on, he would always try to picture a lightbulb before he tried to accomplish something.....why a lightbulb? because it reminded him to "bring an idea" & to "try to light up the room".....sounds an awful lot like trying to be the sunshine to me :)





the signs are everywhere -and they keep pointing in the same direction !!






hiatus

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

time and talent

the good news is that this week watching the voice i did NOT see a vacuum commercial :)  so there's no rant on the way....instead just an observation about how many different kinds of talent there are out there...and always wanting what you dont have.

i wonder if everyone who can't sing really wishes they could?  i know i do.... i think a large part of my love for music stems from my admiration of people with that kind of talent...since i have absolutely NO musical ability whatsoever.....and its interesting because my oldest sister CAN SING... i mean really sing....but she's never had any desire to sing in pubic....so very few people know that about her....which i think is crazy.  if i could sing, you better believe i would out there at least kicking some ass at karoake :)

anyhow, i'm intrigued by how people use their talent and the ways in which they evolve.  jake, much like me, loves music and has zero ability in that area.....but he is incredibly talented as a writer and an actor....which in my mind is where his "art" lies.....luke can rap and beatbox - which cracks me up - but is shy about it....and josh is just plain artistic - he draws, he writes, he makes movies, and he sings - but just a little.....now me, i'm a blossoming writer, and a doodler of the first order, but i think my real creative talent is all IDEA based....i can think of some really cool things - i just dont often have the skill set to bring them to life.....but its fun to try- and i love that all of my kids have some kind of art in them

Art is when you hear a knocking from your soul - and you answer.  ~Terri Guillemets

i spend a lot of time telling my kids that you dont get to be great at everything....everyone has different talents and its where we focus our TIME that makes the difference.....for my boys, they have focused their TIME on sports.....they play something everyday - and that is their "talent" of choice.....if jake wants to be a better writer, then he has to write everyday....same with luke and his music....now josh is my only equal opportunity artist....he plays his sports but he also is pretty focused on whatever project he has working at the time....but hes also younger - i'm sure at some point one will start to take precedence over the other.....but maybe not....the only thing i know that as his time gets more limited he will have to decide where to spend it.....its the age old "jack of all trades, master of none" theory.....it seems like today we are continually being pushed to just focus on one thing.....instead of the whole big picture....

and i'm torn over whether thats the right answer or not....which is probably why i'm always such a basket case....because clearly there are some time challenges when you try to focus on lots of things at once.....i just usually think its worth it.  but its hard to encourage your kids to do that when it seems like life is always going a thousand miles an hour....i do believe its important though....just because you may not be as good as drawing as you are at sports, doesn't mean you shouldnt draw...it just means that if you want to get better at it, you need to make time for it....or you just need to accept that drawing is a fun hobby and that you are never going to be the next picasso.....and that's FINE too...again, we cant all be great at everything....where's the fun in that?

i went into a cute little shop today, looking for mothers day presents, and saw some of the coolest handmade jewelry and  pottery all made by local artists......and all i could think was, i could probably do that if i wanted to....and i could....i'm crafty and have gone thru the whole twisted metal/bead thing....i LOVE to make things...and when i had more time it was something i indulged in....i was never especially great at it, but i enjoyed it and sometimes i ended up with some pretty interesting things (like the wine bottle opener people)....the point is, when my time got a little more constrained, the sports remained and the crafts fell by the wayside....because my true talent and passion lies in athletics.....and i'm good with that.
that is where i have chosen to spend my time consistently....and at the end of the day its what i'm best at.

watching those contestants on the voice you realize that THEIR passion for music has obviously taken precedence over their other talents....but i'm sure they have them.  its all a give and take relationship.....there are a billion well rounded people on earth who are pretty good at lots of things...but to be truly extraordinary at just ONE takes focus and drive and commitment.  not that there is anything bad about that.....i just think that most of us would probably rather be pretty good at a lot, rather than just amazing at one....but maybe thats just me.

i hope my boys will continue to do as much as they can with all of the gifts they've been given - i hope jake continues to write and act....i hope luke goes out for unplugged next year and explores that side of his personality....and i hope josh continues to make movies and tell stories.....and i hope they all continue to love their sports.....because the nice thing about having a crazy mom is that i'm not expecting them to set the world on fire with any one thing....i just want them to have fun with whatever they find they are good at and that makes them happy.  i'm a giant believer in juggling and doing as much as you can in the time you have.....because you never know what opportunity will be waiting around the next corner.....and just because sports were my choice doesnt mean it should be theirs. 

there are so many amazing ways to spend your time.....true stewardship is giving back OF yourself....dedicating your time and talents to enriching your life, your community and your world.....in the christian definition its understanding that our lives are God's gift to us, and how we live is our gift to God....using our time, talent & treasure to serve others.  on a smaller scale what it means is that we should be the best US that we can be.....and that we need to explore all the different gifts we have and how we can use them to bring about joy in ourselves and in those around us.  its a very cool concept when you think about it.....its not just about using the ONE gift you have that you are REALLY good at....its about using them all in whatever ways you can.  so just because art isnt my best thing, doesn't mean i cant still use it - altho i can promise you you wont be hearing me sing anytime soon (unless you sit in the front row of spinning :)

its up to us to both BE GENEROUS AND HOPEFUL and to teach our
children to LIVE GENEROUSLY AND HOPEFULLY!!  to use THEIR time and talents to be the best they can be and to make their slice of the world better as well. 

Use what talents you possess; The woods would be very silent if no birds sang there except those that sang best. - william blake

Monday, May 7, 2012

the walk

With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. - martin luther king jr

the avon walk was everything i thought it would be - and more.....and less, if that makes sense.  there were moments of blinding inspiration.....followed my hours of sheer monotony....oh, and blisters - really awful, truly yucky blisters.

i dont know how many of you have walked, but i know several of my friends have....and i have so much more respect for anyone who has done it and sheer amazement at the repeaters....because it was tough - both mentally and physically - and i guess that's the point - not only are you raising money, but you are trying to share in the empathy of those who suffer with cancer.  the survivors ROCK!!  they attack the walk and kick its ass - and maybe that's when motivation comes into play - if you have something to PROVE then maybe the walk is not monotonous....i feel like it was important for me to be there - to show solidarity and sisterhood - but i have to be honest - this was really hard for me......and probably not for the right reasons.

the team i walked with does it every year (god love them) - the woman who started the team walked WITH her mother the first year and then subsequently lost her - so for her and her sisters and family, it is a very personal journey - and when you are walking you see all the tributes and reasons people walk and you understand WHY its important....my favorite motivation - "we walk for those who can't" - my favorite slogan - "blisters dont need chemo" - they keep things in perspective....and help to keep you moving.

my challenge is that more recently my opinion on cancer and its fundraising and awareness objectives has changed....obviously everyone at the walk, or mostly everyone, has a very real tie to BREAST cancer - and while aunt bobbi had breast cancer, she also had cancer in her liver, bladder and stomach....and with the recent losses of laura and tiff to other forms of cancer, my heart just wasnt in the breast cancer mode....or not wholeheartedly - i clearly feel for those suffering with breast cancer but my "personal" motivation lies elsewhere.....so the actual WALKING part of this effort was a sheer battle of wills - between me and my feet and my subconscious.

picture the girl with NO ATTENTION SPAN - then picture her TRUDGING (because there is no other word for it) for ELEVEN HOURS.....now imagine that she has a strained achilles from her first half marathon, so she's walking funny.....which creates 2 MASSIVE blisters on her heels......now these are all just annoyances, right - because clearly blisters dont need chemo - so i should just shut up.....but the thing is i'm BORED on top of it.....i've been in dc a zillion times - there's no oohing and ahhing over the scenery - just a very slow, very long countdown......with nothing to do but THINK....which is never good for me.....and then every so often someone says "isn't this FUN"???  and i think, um NO its not fun....not even a little....have you seen the movie Remember the Titans?  when coach boone is harassing petey for thinking football is fun....and when he finally asks him "is football fun now?" petey says "no, no sir....ZERO FUN, sir"....well that's the quote that kept popping up in my head if that tells you anything....

so here i am the fun-sucker of the trip.....which is odd for me - i'm usually up for a challenge and happy to support a cause - i just dont know why this was so UNfun for me....i will say i am happy that i signed up and raised the money....and i'm actually somewhat proud of myself for not caving in and calling the shuttle, even though my feet, heel and calf may never recover....and can i say one more time that all those women (and men) that show up, stay positive, make cute outfits and slogans ROCK!!  i have so much love for them....i just realized i'm not one of them....which is kind of sad, but also realistic....you know that this was not my best thing when i can honestly say the best part of the walk was sleeping in the tent....OUTSIDE!!

my sister is truly a trooper... i have roped her into some dumb stuff over the years - but 17 hours of walking in 2 days probably takes the cake .... we had a few great moments - shared hilarity over silly events and just overall slap-happiness - and she never complained.....she just stopped to pet all the puppies along the route and listened to her grumpy sister bitch - she's the best.....and i am so grateful that we got to do this together .... that was the big positive for me - so thanks li - for putting up with me and being the best sister ever!

in hindsight i'm glad i did it....ONCE....i'm glad i carried my bag with my personal tributes every step of those 39.3 miles...i'm glad i didn't stop even though i really really wanted to....i'm glad i shared the experience with team boobylicious and my sister.....and i hope i helped in some small way to add to the dent that the avon foundation is making in its fight against breast cancer.  and i hope i learned some things about how to pull off a large scale event - so that next year when i decide to torture my sister with a stupid idea, it will be to support our STEEL Lillies fund - and the fight against ALL cancers! 

The way you get meaning into your life is to devote yourself to loving others, devote yourself to your community around you, and devote yourself to creating something that gives you purpose and meaning. Mitch Albom

we all need to figure out what has meaning for us personally...because that makes all the difference.....for those affected by breast cancer in any fashion, i hope you continue to walk and raise money and wear pink because its important work.....for those of us who have been affected by other cancers, its time we took up the banner for our causes and make an impact.....i hope in the very near future none of this is necessary and that cancer is gone forever....but until then we all need to do what we can to keep chipping away it.....in all of its forms.  and i can promise you that whatever we come up with for STEEL Lillies will NOT involve BLISTERS.....cuz even tho they dont need chemo, they still SUCK :)


 

Friday, May 4, 2012

journeys


 Listen to me. We're here to make a dent in the universe. Otherwise why even be here?
Steve Jobs
think about THAT?  a dent in the universe.....it doesnt have to be a big dent, but does what you do with your life create a ripple of any kind?  its an interesting question.....and i'd say every life leaves ripples....but how far do they extend outward?  to your immediate family?  friends? your community? the world?  is what we do every day making a difference - and is it a positve difference?  or are we stewing in our negativity?

these are heavy questions.....and interesting in that they weigh on me.....it seems in our world of give and take, in order to take a new path, you have to leave one behind.....and i find that i'm at a crossroads in a lot of different ways.....work, family, even sports - its all changing for me and each decision i make right now seems to have far reaching effects.

The journey between what you once were and who you are now becoming is where the dance of life really takes place.
Barbara DeAngelis

id say that the best thing that has come out of this blog for me has been as a connection to other people who seem to be on this same journey....its realizing that even though i may feel alone, i never really am.....and hopefully sharing the ups and downs is my version of putting a small dent in the universe :)  but i think there is still more that i can do....

as i was packing my stuff for the avon walk this weekend, all i could think about was how many people out there are doing the same thing - trying to prepare for 39 miles in questionable weather - i can honestly say its the first time i've packed my stuff in plastic bags (and who knew you could buy 10 gallon zip lock bags) before the actual overnight bag.....this might also be a good time to mention i am NOT a camper, and the thought of sleeping outside is seriously messing with me....but i'm gonna save that topic for the blog AFTER the walk :)

anyway, the point is everyone that is participating in this walk has personal reasons for doing it....but also is trying to send out good karma and positive vibes - along with the whole fundraising thing.....its a large scale effort to make a big dent in a horrible disease - and the organizers of both the avon walk and the susan g komen foundation have done wonders in the battle against breast cancer.....so when  you add all of the small individual dents together, you realize you can have a HUGE impact.....after all, thats our power when we work together, right?

Do not go where the path may lead, go instead where there is no path and leave a trail. Ralph Waldo Emerson

we all find our inspiration in different ways....but i guess really what hit me today is that we can have as big or as little an impact as we choose...its a matter of motivation and dedication....yes, the larger the impact the more work involved...but great things rarely happen without a ton of work.  so this year, at this walk, i will be learning.....i have a lot of pieces to my own personal puzzle coming together - and i think i was meant to be right here, right now....because the big giant dent that we are going to make together is on its way....its time to put the reality of CANCER on everyone's map....not just those fighting breast cancer.....and the reality is, a large part of the reason that breast cancer is so curable now is because someone decided to make it an issue.....those original pioneers in the komen foundation made such a dent in their universe that their legacy will never be forgotten - they have impacted millions of people in a positive way.....and there is no reason we can't do the same.....its just a matter of stepping up and aiming high.
our friends and family deserve no less from us than the best we can do......to honor those we have lost to cancer in all of its forms.....tiff, laura, sherry, martha, aunt bobbie....and those who are still fighting....kathy, boo, chris, tim, lisa, charles, margot, kelly......no one asks to fight this fight - and the only way any of us have a chance of ultimately winning it is if we work together....let's make our dent in the universe a big giant one!!

Once you choose hope,
anything's possible. 
~Christopher Reeve




Wednesday, May 2, 2012

life is like a hoopty tractor

“The grass may be greener on the other side of the fence but you still have to mow it.” Proverb quotes

lets be honest - i am NOT a domestic diva....i could care less about having the right furniture or the nicest kitchen....my house to me is just a place that we all get to live in and spend time together.....i love it for its function, not its appearance....i am not a pottery barn shopper and never will be....as a matter of fact the only thing i usually notice about my house is how much dog hair has accumulated in between the times i've found to vaccuum....that's not to say i want to live in an unattractive or dirty space, i'm just not super concerned about it being a showplace of any kind....i just want it to be comfy and welcoming.

its funny what you get used to....i know i've said several times that i'm great at starting things....well that applies to house stuff too....we have about 6 fairly small house projects that will never actually be finished - and i'm sure it drives my parents batshit insane that i have had a fairly large piece of drywall missing from the entrance to my family room (where we busted it moving a couch) that may never get fixed....so if you are sitting at my kitchen table and happen to glance over, you see a big old chunk of metal....but you see, i just dont really get bothered by that stuff.....i'm sure that makes me lazy somehow but i honestly just dont care.

so if you look at the inside of my house and think "lived in", you look at my yard and think "white trash"....no question about it.....i'm the chic with the yard that at any given time has 9 dodgeball strewn about, that are supposed to be in the trampoline (which is also in the yard).....we have at least one bike left outside, various articles of clothing that were tossed aside during one bounce, and of course TWO basketball hoops - oh and 4 cars.....and in another week or two, there will  be bases that we leave in the front yard all summer....super super attractive.

and then there is the  yard itself.....i am ANTI-yard work like you would not believe....we do not mulch anything or plant anything that cant be very easily  yanked out.....i have never thrown down grass seed or weed killer of any kind - i have a kind of "live and let live" agreement with whatever grows in my yard....the irony is that i can grow just about anything in the 2x10 foot plot in front of my garage...its actually comical -  i throw out sunflower seeds, a few tomato seeds, and whatever else josh picks out, and by mid june i have a full on garden in the space where my GARAGE DOOR used to be!!  ridiculous....

why am i rambling about this?  well, because i also live in a place where everyone on earth sees my house and yard...so i feel morally obligated to cut the damn lawn fairly regularly....ok yes i have 3 boys, 2 of whom can cut the grass - but its lax season and of course they are all super busy.....so lawn care, such as it is, falls to me right now....i have a hate hate relationship with my tractor, ever since kris broke a hook of some kind and melted our lid to the engine.....of course, being us, we just took off the lid and now we sport a lidless, engine displaying hoopty lawnmower....its awesome!!  and ridiculous....and i never understand why people who run or ride or walk by are laughing when they see me on it!!  today was especially fun because we just got it back from the repair guy.....who assured me it was good to go....to which i can now say MAYBE he's right....but i spent 2 hours riding my lawnmower, with no lid, billowing white smoke and cutting out every other turn....it was entertaining to say the least.

and of course it made me think.....i should probably just go buy another lawnmower.....we need one ( obviously), and i have ZERO patience for things that dont work.....but i just cant seem to bring myself to.....just like i'm never gonna fix my drywall....these little quirky things DEFINE my life....as long as i can keep getting them to do the job, then they are good enough for me... you see, i'm realizing more and more that its all about comfort.....and while i wouldnt necessarily categorize myself as someone who stays in their comfort zone, i am learning that i like to keep my surroundings pretty comfortable.....and by that i dont mean just cozy or soft - i mean WHAT I EXPECT.....while it may annoy me that my tractor looks ridiculous, i know what settings i use and where it fits in the shed, and that if i'm nice enough to it, it will come thru for me.  and somehow if i replace it with a nice new shiny tractor, i'm going to have to change my routine - because a nicer tractor will demand more attention, right?!!  where my crappy little tractor is fine just staying under the radar :)  just like my kitchen drywall.....you know if i fix that drywall i'm gonna have to paint my whole kitchen - which means changing my pictures and needing new stuff to hang up.....but right now, i dont need to do any of that - i just need to ignore the hole!

its a pretty ridiculous philosophy when you think about it....but it works for me.....i may be a little broken....and i could definitely use some patching up....but at my center, i'm still gonna get the job done....and its okay that i may be a little worse for wear.....and that my outside isnt as pretty as it used to be - because on the inside i am still me - and i get more comfortable with that everyday :)


sentimentality

i have had an interesting year so far....which you know if you've been reading....and while i admit that because of the circumstances i have had a ton of opportunity to reflect on life, i'm not sure i can pinpoint EXACTLY what it is that has changed for me....i do know that i have never felt like i was on the wrong side of time before this year....and it honestly scares me.  i know there is so much to look forward to still - and i do....but there is so much that is already gone, that i will never get back - and i'm so sad about that too.

if life is truly a journey, then i am going to try to spend a good part of the rest of this year MEANDERING thru it....as opposed to racing at my usual speed of light.  i was reading thru the senior night book at lacrosse tonight fighting tears - just like i am now....i dont want these kids to graduate....and i definitely dont want MINE to graduate next year....i mean i do, for him - just not for me....sometimes i selfishly want to go back and have a redo....not because i would change anything, but just so that i get to do it again...

of course then i see my friends who have little kids, and who want to rip their hair out everyday and i think i probably remember it being so much more fun than it actually was at the moment :)

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.
~ Frederick Buechner
 
 i look at this picture of my pop with the older boys and think - OH MY GOD...they all look so damn old (sorry pop)....i remember my pop, with his head full of black hair and that same smile coming to watch ME play on that same field at laplata high school....and all i can think is "where they hell has all this TIME gone?"  i know i should be celebrating my life...and i AM...i'm just feeling a bit sentimental, i guess.....as this school year wraps up, i realize i'm looking at the last year of elementary school EVER.....i'm looking at my first LAST YEAR of high school....and i'm adding another DRIVER to the mix....all great things....but also very defining moments....and man i just dont know where all the time went!  i feel like the next time i blink, i'm gonna be the gray haired old lady in the picture....which will mean that i survived the college years, so i guess that's the silver lining :)
 
What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. -- George Eliot
 
at this point in my life, i guess its all about the memories....and while i KNOW my kids are so tired of me asking them to take a picture, i'm just so grateful that they do it - and usually smile.....because i am hoarding these pictures and these memories like, well like a hoarder!  i just want as many and as much as i can get.....because i can actually feel the time ticking by.....
 
after last nights blog, i got a bunch of "i feel ya's", and a couple of BREATHEs.....and it cracks me up - because i am still such an emotional basket case.....not that i have ever been calm and collected, but i would say i generally used to be FAIRLY even tempered....but now?  not so much!!  i feel like i ride a roller coaster of indignant and sad....which is partly hormones i'm sure (and isnt that a lovely thought), and partly a result of the losses..... i dont want to spend the rest of my life being upset over anything.....which is completely unrealistic, again, given my current wacked out state - but its a goal.
 
and i am honestly trying to change my outlook....i just keep getting swamped by these events that make me just not want to ever miss anything again....i know i cant be all things to all people - and i cant be everywhere at once....but that doesnt stop me from wishing i could.  i want to spend more time with my parents, and my kids and kb, and my sisters, and my friends.... but i have to recognize that something will always have to give somewhere to make any of that possible....and that's just going to have to be okay.  
 
SMILE MORE THAN YOU CRY
GIVE MORE THAN YOU TAKE
LOVE MORE THAN YOU HATE
 
life doesnt mean you always have to be "on"....you can be sad, or mad or even mean.....you just have to be make the effort to be happy and forgiving and appreciative MORE....and i can do that.  clearly i'm not always going to be sunshine and light - but if i can shoot for better than half the time, i'm well on my way :)  its all about balance - and perspective....and i think i'm finally finding some.
 

 

Tuesday, May 1, 2012

june cleaver



so i'm sitting with the family watching the VOICE when a commercial comes on for the new dyson vacuums...which are admittedly somewhat cool looking for an outrageously expensive cleaning tool.....when the tag line shows up that says...."on sale now, thru mother's day".

now i admit that i am not a giant fan of housework - i mean really, who is?  well ok, besides my mom - and maybe kris ohler, who somehow ended up adopting my mom's scary vacuuming in triangles thing....UGH.  anyway, i can honestly say i was completely taken aback by that commercial....all i can think is REALLY???  what freakin YEAR is this??  is it AT ALL APPROPRIATE that someone is advertising a cleaning tool as a great mothers day gift??  lets celebrate the awesome job you are doing RAISING YOUR CHILDREN by buying you something to clean up after them with???? um, no thank you.

again, i realize that there are many women out there who take a great deal of pride in keeping a lovely and clean home - and who consider it a part of their job.....and if that's the case, then a) go you and b) you probably would appreciate a high end vacuum cleaner - but i 'm pretty sure its still not an appropriate MOTHERS DAY GIFT....its like saying, you really only deserve something that helps you take better care of me...as opposed to something cool or relaxing or i dont know, PERSONAL.....

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint."
-- Erma Bombeck

here's where my tirade takes a turn....i firmly believe that the women's movement was the worst thing that ever happened to women....well, maybe not the worst exactly, but it created this completely unrealistic expectation where women are supposed to play the role of the traditional stay at home mom AND earn a working woman's salary..... this is where i should say that my mom stayed home....and i appreciated that more than i can tell you....and i would say that my parents had the traditional roles down pat....my dad worked hard, and worked overtime if thats what was necessary so that my mom could stay home.....he mowed the lawn and paid the bills and generally fixed all the stuff that ever broke....ward cleaver jobs.....and my mother took care of the kids and the house and kept our household running like a well oiled machine....she cooked dinner every night and cleaned the house EVERYDAY.....it was (and still is)  a partnership...it certainly wasnt always perfect, but they each played a role and did their job as it was defined within our family.  and its funny because i'm sure my mother probably didnt like being so dependent on my dad....and that was the downside - women wanted more, deserved more than to be so singularly defined.

HOWEVER, what apparently happened was women started fighting the work fight - which again, i'm in no way opposed to just for the record.....and yet when it came time to have a family, somehow the burden of childrearing still fell mostly on the shoulders of the mom.....so here we are today - supposedly equal, right?  yet now instead of JUST working or JUST raising our kids, we are all doing BOTH...and i dont know about you guys, but i find it EXHAUSTING!   and i'm so super offended that some asshat in some marketing company thinks its okay to try to sell my family a fucking vacuum as a PRESENT for mothers day.  i can't imagine they are going to run that same special for fathers day, now are they??  my husband is fully capable of running a damn vacuum - and while im at it, we pay someone to clean the freakin house anyway since neither of us has the time!!!  should i buy my cleaning lady a vacuum for mothers day???  i'm sure she'd rather have a damn day off, or flowers, or a massage - just like the rest of us!

"Consider the "new" woman. She's trying to be Pollyanna Borgia, clearly a conflict of interest. She's supposed to be a ruthless winner at work and a bundle of nurturing sweetness at home."
-- Rita Mae Brown

its just one of those things that CLEARLY strikes a nerve....maybe everyone else out there is perfectly happy with our progress.....i just find it still so patronizing.....i know there are men out there who are single dads or primary caregivers or even super helpful husbands....im not man bashing in any way....what im saying is that while i think women have made huge strides in the workplace, they have never given up the responsibility in the  home - and probably never will.....and probably shouldn't if it comes to that....i love being a mom more than anything else in the world....and i will consider myself a completely successful person in this life if my kids grow up to be happy (and lets throw in self sufficient).....i dont need to define myself by the job i do OUTSIDE of the house....but we have created an environment where its almost impossible to have a one income family anymore....traditional roles be damned - who can afford them??  and still that stupid marketing guy thinks i want a VACUUM cleaner??? 

who knew a commercial would throw me over the edge?  you never know these days what's gonna do it :)  all i do know is that being a woman of a certain age has certain advantages.....and while number one is being able to speak my mind.....number two is definitely NOT having to pick up anyone elses shit if i dont feel like it!!  i hope that marketing guy buys his wife a super expensive dyson vacuum for mothers day....and she beats his ass with it! 

hows that for sunshine & light :)