Sunday, December 30, 2012

getting back on the wagon

anyone want to join me??   that's my serious face, in case you were wondering.  this could be just one more blog about food and weight, but what would be the fun in that??  i'm looking at the new year in different terms. 

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. chinese proverb

2 years ago, my friend introduced me to the concept of picking a single WORD that would define my year.  the original point was to use that word and scrapbook how it played out through your life, so that you could look back and reflect - and use it to center yourself.  that first year the word i picked was FUN (hers was REUNION).....it seemed to fit where i was at the time, or at the very least where i wanted to be.  regardless, i love the idea of it, and have continued on with it.  last year my word was INTENTION....which clearly influenced the title of the blog, and i hope the thoughtful way i tried to approach things.  but this year, the word that jumps out for me is CHALLENGE.  i dont know why yet, but that's the word i'm picking and what i will use to move me thru 2013.  i'm ordering my necklace tomorrow (colleen, lmk if you have a word and want one :)

Life is a challenge, meet it.
-Mother Theresa
 
with that in mind, i'm throwing out my first CHALLENGE.  i'm doing the Whole30 January challenge.  its a ridiculous eating plan that professes to jump start your "new" life blah blah blah.  i'm sure its great. i know its hard to stick to.  but i think its the first thing i need to get myself back on track. i'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  i'm either working out hard or not at all.  i'm either eating healthy or eating like shit.  there is NO MIDDLE GROUND.  i can't have one cookie (we've gone over that already, right?).  so the point of this year is to challenge myself....to be better, to change my bad habits, to be nicer, to be more consistent.  basically to just RISE.  and if i cant conquer my stupid food thing first, then i'm pretty much doomed.

The belly rules the mind.  ~Spanish Proverb

let's see if i can reverse that?  is it possible to stop eating to make myself feel better? we shall see.  after this past week of butterfinger cookies, crab dip and everything else i can get my hands on, i think i might actually be ready for a break.  lets just see how long that feeling lasts......cuz i'm pretty sure it wont make it past lunchtime on say wednesday.  but i'm giving it a go anyway.

as i take a quick second and look over what i know is coming this year, it should be interesting.  i know i have quite a few big things headed my way.  and to face them, i need to be at my best.  physically and mentally.  jake is graduating and leaving home.  luke is getting his license.  josh is turning 13.  all gray hair inspiring events in their own right.  along with all of the little worries associated with them.  my way of coping?  trying to come to terms with the way life is changing around me.  THAT is why i know this year will be defined by the challenges....big and small.

in order to "ground" myself - or really just distract myself from all of that, i'm going to try to set myself up with a smaller challenge each month.....some not so small, like the whole30.  but i find if i have something to FOCUS on, i generally handle all the other stuff better.  like i'm allowed to be crazy about that ONE THING.  for the entire month of november it was college stuff.  then christmas.  and while those things were distracting and time consuming -now they are just over.....which leaves crazy me stressing about GRADUATION.  and let me tell you all - if THAT is what i'm focused on from now until then - ya'll will crawl thru your computers and SHOOT me.

If you want to make good use of your time, you’ve got to know what’s most important and then give it all you’ve got.  Lee Iacocca

what's important this year?  staying sane.  making good decisions. spending my time wisely.  not letting the little stuff drag me down.  staying focused. eyes on the prize. and if i'm honest, i'm at my best when i'm busy.  well actually i'm always busy.  i mean when i'm moving towards a goal.  when i have to stay on task.  in other words, when i'm working on something that takes some effort.  concentrating on something that takes me outside of my little box.  something that helps keep perspective.  i'm hoping that this year, several of the pieces from the last couple of years will come together.  i'll be able to eat right AND workout (you can laugh anytime).  get my work done AND manage to cook dinner.  get to all the lacrosse games AND enjoy them :)  you get the idea.  i generally do one or the other at any given time.  never both.  and i know that i can if i just FOCUS.

as always i have a couple of projects in the works.  but i'm also going to throw some stuff out there - into the computerverse - and see if anyone wants to join in.  january is the food challenge.  feb is tiff's gala.  march is the first run of the year and april is the tough mudder (that i am actually doing this year - hell or high water). may is my GASP 20 year college reunion....i cant even begin to wrap my head around that one.  june is GRADUATION and i plan to spend most of that entire month crying or drinking....maybe both.  so that just leaves the second half of the year.  im running a half in october, but am open to other suggestions...i'd love to run a DIVA half somewhere fun, or do another urban challange.....id also maybe like to learn something new.....of course i have no idea, but i'm thinking maybe i can learn to knit - so that when i retire from softball, i have a backup plan!!! or maybe i'll just pick up bowling....or bingo.  who knows??? that's all a part of the challenge of moving forward right.  embracing the changes as they get here.

“20 years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the one’s you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

i have to believe that what lies ahead is worth looking forward to.  i have to be ready take each day as it comes.  i have to appreciate the time.  i know all of these things.  but i also have to know myself.  being AWARE doesnt make me less crazy or uptight or scattered.  it doesnt make me less anything.  it hopefully just lays the foundation for being more accepting of what comes my way.  and more willing to step up to plate.  and with any luck, more able to look on the bright side. 

but here's a funny deni crazy ass catch 22 rationalization......i'm a bit on the heavy side for me at the moment.  which obviously i know, and have been fairly unwilling to worry about.  BECAUSE when in vegas, i HIT THE SHIT out of the ball.  you see, 10 lbs on my frame does wonders for my hitting.  so i rationalize NOT worrying about my weight with the ridiculously small side benefit of better softball.  HORRIBLE rationalization, but somewhere in the mess of my crazy mind, that's all it takes to make it ok for me to eat everything not nailed down this month. its a scary process, my inner brain workings....the funny part, is that for me, that was pretty much looking on the bright side.  sure i'm heavy...but i'm hitting!!!  go me :)  the mind is a funny funny thing.

i'm counting that as a success actually.  maybe not with the best overall result, but i'll take it.  now i just have to fix it. and maybe get a better bat!!  win win for deni.  welcome to the year of CHALLENGE.  turning that frown upside down!!

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein






Saturday, December 29, 2012

the one year anniversary



I guess technically this is still 12/28 - but only because my computer is set on pacific time...i'll take it tonight tho.  I have not done as well as I might have hoped keeping up with the blog this year, but I guess the good news is that i'm still doing it at all.  I imagine that every day was kind of a lofty goal.  but i'm glad I at least started out that way.  when I sit back and reflect on this past year, all I can think is THANK GOD its almost over!! and then I want to smack myself for thinking that.....because this year being over just means i'm one step closer to my next super crazy "milestone".....GRADUATION!!  and boy am I so not ready for THAT!!
 
to say that 2012 was a challenging year for me and my family is a bit of an understatement.  certainly there were worse things that happened to other people and families. and so I am grateful as well when I reflect on all of the good things that came throughout the year.  and that is where I want to focus, as I ponder where to go from here.
 
 
when I started writing, it was with a profound sadness for laura and yet a desire to try to find some meaning or purpose that would create some kind of positive out of that horrible feeling.  at the very least, I have tried to put my experiences of the past year and all of the lessons out here in the open, hoping they might help someone else along the way.  hoping that maybe my struggle to come to terms with my challenges would resonate somewhere out there.  and probably my greatest pleasure has been the way I have connected with other people throughout my journey.  I have made new friends and reconnected with others.  and I absolutely am so so incredibly happy about that.  there is my first positive!
 
more than anything tho, I would have to say that this year taught me that no matter what, time keeps on marching straight ahead......sometimes faster than we want, and sometimes much slower.  in those moments of torment and sadness, you just wish for time to pass quickly so you can move on and try to cope.....yet in those times of happiness and joy, you wish you could stop time altogether and just SAVOR it.  but we get to do neither of those things.  we just have to LIVE one moment, one experience, one feeling at a time.  sometimes that is WAY harder than others.  but its always the one thing that remains the same.  the clock will keep ticking and bringing with it new things to face.  so maybe for the first time ever in my life, I truly appreciate time.....the time I have and how I choose to spend it.  or even GET to spend it.
 
in so many ways this year will always be remembered as one of loss.  2012 was hard.  at times extremely hard.  but we got thru it.  and even managed to enjoy as much of it as we could.  the best - or only - tribute I can give to tiff's memory is to be grateful.  for the time she was here, for all she gave to her family, and for reinforcing that in the end its not how much time you have, its what you do with it.  I can be sad - we all can.  but its also important to be happy.  as much as possible.   i don't want to look back with regret. i want to be able to look over my life and be AMAZED at how fabulous it was.  yes tiff's life was cut way too short.  but she was a fantastic mom, an amazing sister, and a fabulous friend.  i cant think of a better thing anyone could say about a life.  and as time goes by and the pain lessens, i hope the joy of those 3 things will be what remains.

to have perspective is something I think we all work for, and yet struggle to maintain.  I know for me it is one of the toughest.  as I've said many many times, I have an amazing "big picture"....great husband, wonderful kids - just a loving family all around. we both have jobs and can pay our bills (which today is no small thing).  I have super cool friends and a pretty awesome hobby.....so really nothing to complain about.  and yet I still do.  I have bad days.  and really bad days.  when I hate my job, and my husbands a jerk and my kids are unreasonable.  when my friends ignore me and softball sucks.  when shit breaks and I cant figure out how to pay for it.  when people are mean to my kids or my parents are being crazy.  and I lose sight of the fact that I'M JUST LUCKY TO HAVE THEM HERE.  for that matter to BE HERE MYSELF.  I don't know why its so hard to remember that sometimes.  that's my ongoing challenge.  and also what I hope to keep reminding myself and any of you that need it.  life truly is a gift.  with all of its ups and downs and challenges. just to be here to experience it at all is a wonderous thing.

I can look back and wish I didn't fight over stupid stuff.  or put my foot down about things that didn't matter.  I can wish that I laughed more and went out of my way more for other people.  but at the end of the day, what I did was the best I had with what each day brought me.  and i'm pretty sure, even though i'm fairly reflective at the moment, that's what I will continue to do.  just the best that I can with what I've got.

what I don't think I will lose sight of anymore tho, is how precious time is.  especially the time you get with the ones you love.  I will never ever ever complain ever again when my dad shows up at 730 in the morning on a Saturday to chat.  or when I drag my ass out of bed to drive one of my kids to school.  I will never complain about the sucky 8 hour drive to Rochester or however long the drive ends up being to see jake.  because I KNOW that the first time I cant do any of those things anymore, I will be so so sorry I didn't appreciate them. and wish for the time back so I could do them again.

so on the anniversary of the first ever deni blog, I just want to say a big fat thank you.  to pretty much everyone.  for everything.  I wouldn't be here without you.  I wouldn't be who I am without the love and support of my family and friends.  i'm sorry if I haven't said it enough -or said it to your face.  but I do appreciate you. and will do my best to REMEMBER it.  because the very biggest lesson I have learned this year is that the only guaranteed moment you have it NOW.  so you better make sure you are as happy as you can be with it.  do I think i'm always going to be a ball of sunshine?  please!! we all know that's not true :) but I am going to do my very best to try to push thru those "bad" moments as quickly as I can.  and get back to the place where hope guides me, and where the sunshine is at least attempting to break thru.
 
As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily.  The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world.  ~Terri Guillemets
 

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

a blog for jake - "My Messy Beautiful"

today is the day.  well if the THE day, then ONE of the days that jake has been waiting for.  we've had many countdowns in our house prior to this one.....days til kindergarten, days til christmas, days til a birthday, days til surgery, days until no crutches......but THIS countdown in many ways has just been both more meaningful and more stressful.  THiS is the countdown to NOTIFICATION!!  did he or did he not get into princeton.....

more so than anything jake has ever tried to do up to this point, this has been the hardest.  and by hardest i mean that which has demanded the most faith.  EVERY other thing that he has gone thru has mostly been in his hands.  if he was patient, or good, or followed his rehab, then we KNEW the outcome.  we knew that he would get the desired results.  this time, those results are ENTIRELY in someone else's hands.  jake did his part.  he worked hard.  he did all the right things to put himself in a position to be successful.  but ultimately, its out of his hands.

in light of that, BEFORE the big decision, i wanted to put down some thoughts.  so he knows EITHER WAY how proud we are, and how amazing he is.  so pretty much what follows is an open letter to my first born, on what he considers the first day of the rest of his life.

Johnny,

you know how proud we are of you and all you've accomplished.  you know how much we love you for so many many reasons (which i won't embarrass you with in public).  today i want you to realize that this is just one more turning point on the path you are traveling.  whichever way it goes, i know you will make it work.  your biggest strength in my opinion is your unwavering determination in the face of a challenge.  today the challenge may be that you did not get into your first choice of school.  or it may be that you did.  both roads before you present DIFFERENT challenges, but i know you will rise to the occasion either way.  its just what you do.

don't let this decision DEFINE you.  whether you get accepted, denied or deferred....its just a decision, left in someone else's hands.  someone that  has never met you.  who has never witnessed first hand your drive, or the power of your personality.  maybe what you wrote swayed him.  maybe it did not.  but that is not within your ability to control.  you did all you could to put yourself in the right place so that its even a possibility.  YOU DID THAT!  YOU made the choices that led you here.  and you should be so PROUD.  because what you do know is that you ARE qualified.  you do meet the criteria.  you are the caliber of student that can attend a school like princeton.  and THAT is what you should remember today.  you set yourself up to be in the best possible position FOR YOU.  maybe that is at princeton...and maybe its not. but everything you've done to give yourself the chance is what makes you successful.


Success is piece of mind which is a direct result of self-satisfaction in knowing that you did your best to become the best you are capable of becoming. — John Wooden

i want you to look at how you've grown and all you've accomplished already.  and all you've overcome.  and i want you to see that every time you hit what seemed to be a huge roadblock, you grew from it.  princeton will be tough- either way.  if you don't get it in, it will be a challenge to understand why not and what the bigger lesson you should get from it is.....but if you do get in, the challenge will be stepping up to the plate in that learning environment.  it will mean MORE work.  something i know you are prepared for and capable of, but a challenge nonetheless.

today BEFORE you find out, i just want you to take a minute and reflect.  re-prioritize this moment in your mind.  because as important as it is RIGHT NOW, in the bigger cosmic picture, its just another fork in the road.

TWO roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And sorry I could not travel both
And be one traveler, long I stood
And looked down one as far as I could
To where it bent in the undergrowth;

Then took the other, as just as fair,
And having perhaps the better claim,
Because it was grassy and wanted wear;
Though as for that the passing there
Had worn them really about the same,

And both that morning equally lay
In leaves no step had trodden black.
Oh, I kept the first for another day!
Yet knowing how way leads on to way,
I doubted if I should ever come back.

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
And that has made all the difference.



no one know which road you will take.  or which one is the less travelled for that matter.  remember the way you see something ALWAYS depends on where you are standing.  don't lose your perspective!


lead your EXTRAORDINARY life!!  run with PASSION down the road that presents itself before you. don't spend your time looking back at what ifs or if onlys.  RUN YOUR RACE.  the one that is ONLY YOURS to win!!

How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and strong.  Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.  ~George Washington Carver

BE KIND....you have a good heart.  a strong heart.  you are compassionate and brave.  don't lose sight of the impact your life has on others.  always always be YOU.

The Universe is one great kindergarten for man. Everything that exists has brought with it its own peculiar lesson. Orison Swett Marden 

remember to LEARN the LESSON that circumstance is teaching you.  and that there is ALWAYS  a lesson.  for each situation, good and bad.  step outside of how it FEELS and see what it is you can get from it.  remember knee surgery ultimately brought you drama.  good from bad.  sometimes you just can't see it right away.  NEVER STOP LEARNING!!

The time is always right to do what is right.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

To thine own self be true, and it must follow, as the night the day, thou canst not then be false to any man.  ~William Shakespeare, Hamlet

be a leader.  not a problem for you, i know.  but more than where you go to school or what you decide to be when you grow up, the biggest challenge facing you is to continue to BE A GOOD MAN.  set a good example.  make the hard choices.  do the right thing.  be strong in your convictions, but open to other points of view.  always be open to the possibility that there is a better answer or different solution.  being open minded will allow you to be kind and to do the right thing :)



HAVE FAITH
!  i know this one is hard for you sometimes.  you can question certainly. you can even be skeptical if you must.  but ultimately you have to have faith.  faith in love, in truth, in happiness.....all things you can't touch or see.  you feel them.  its your faith in the abstract that will drive you to keep looking for answers and striving to be better. trust and faith go hand in hand and i hope you walk with both.

and finally, i hope you always keep in mind that this life we have is a gift.  its often shorter than we hope.  don't spend your time on regret.  choose to be happy whenever you can.  celebrate your family...your friends.  appreciate what you give to them and what they give to you.  LOVE LIFE.  embrace EVERY minute of it.....dont look back....look forward.  see opportunity everywhere. be open to love.  just be YOU :)

i love you bud.  with all my heart.  and i couldn't be any more proud of the man you are.  the future is bright.  whichever way it takes you, just grab it with both hands!

xoxo,
mom















Monday, December 17, 2012

our share of the blame

jake is 6 in that picture. 6.  i can't even begin to imagine what kind of mental break it would take for anyone to look at a 6 year old and pull the trigger.  much less over and over and over again.  i can't begin to imagine the horror of the first responders and how you ever recover from the image of those small, innocent bodies.  and i can't even begin to imagine the parents and families of those children.  how you cope.  or even get thru the day -much less this holiday season.  how do you ever see another 6 year old and not think of your own?

there is nothing anyone can say or do to ever make this better.  nothing.  and like all of you, i can't seem to do anything but think about this.  what it means.  what i can do.  what part i can play in trying to make it make sense.  ultimately there isn't anything i can do for those parents.  or that community.  except participate in the discussion. watch the services.  make sure that as much as i can, i go thru it with them.  because thats not only the least i can do, but should be a requirement for all of us.  every single one of us has contributed in some way to the culture that makes an act like this possible. every single one of us.


Unity to be real must stand the severest strain without breaking.Mahatma Gandhi 

this is how i played a part.  i gave up on the guns.  when my older 2 kids were little, i had a very strict no gun policy in my house. we didn't buy them or accept them as gifts....we didn't play first person shooter games or go paint balling.  we didn't have airsoft guns or really even nerf guns.  just NO GUNS period. i felt like it sent the wrong message.  that it made guns acceptable for children.  took them out of the "scary/adult" range and brought them into the "fun/kid" world.  and i held fast to that.  NO GUNS.  i fought the fight with friends and relatives alike who argued that it was all in fun.  that kids had been playing with toy guns forever.  that it didn't mean anything.  that i was being ridiculous.  and i began to feel a bit ridiculous about it.

so then i caved. i figured it was up to me to TEACH my kids the difference.  surely they were smart enough to know the difference between real and fake.  if i just talked with them about the consequences and responsibility of REAL guns, then they could join in the fun.

THIS IS HOW I'M RESPONSIBLE

i allowed my personal views on guns to be swayed by the majority.  i bought into the "it's just for fun" mentality.  it isn't real.  it doesn't hurt anyone.  we know the difference.

clearly its not. and we don't.

There is a great streak of violence in every human being.  If it is not channeled and understood, it will break out in war or in madness.  ~Sam Peckinpah

we have become a society of apathy.  of the easy way.  we are so caught up and so busy that we don't take the time to focus on what is important.  what is right in front of us.  we buy happiness.  we ignore what we don't like.  we turn a blind eye to other people's problems.  we are a culture of the individual.  if i teach MY kids the "right" thing, then I've done my job.  when in reality, all we have done is ignore the bigger picture.  we have allowed commercialism to dictate our morals.  we have let our kids grow up in a culture where it is perfectly normal to sit in front of a screen and shoot people all day.  and then go outside and shoot each other with "fake" ammunition.  it is any wonder that there are people who grow up to NOT know the difference??

THIS IS HOW I'M RESPONSIBLE

i have actively participated in the desensitizing of our children.  do i believe that i have taught my kids the difference between real and fake?  yes i do.  does that matter?  not really.  it was an easy way for me to rationalize giving in.  my kids understand that "in real life" guns kill.  but its not real life, right?

shame on me.  shame on all of us.  shame of us for allowing our kids for ONE MINUTE to believe that guns are toys.  that killing people in games is okay.  that playing war doesn't have a lasting impact.

looking at that picture MAKES ME SICK.  yes i know its a fake gun. as a matter of fact we don't even have any ammunition.  another nice rationalization.  i have gone my merry way allowing myself to believe that josh using these fake guns to make his FAKE movies was fine. no one is getting hurt.  its actually creative of him.  a means of expression.  and while some of that might be true, if i view it in light of our CULTURE and what just happened - all it is is another means of desensitizing our kids.

i'm not going to debate anyone on the merits of gun control. or hunting.  you can rationalize anything you want in whatever way you want.  criminals will get weapons.  people kill people.  everyone is right.  it just depends on the angle you are looking from.  but this i do know.....we have made killing a game. and for that we are all guilty.

Nonviolence means avoiding not only external physical violence but also internal violence of spirit.  You not only refuse to shoot a man, but you refuse to hate him.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr.

 this is where we start.  as a society. in our homes.  we need to wake up to the culture we have created.  a culture of violence. where first person shooter games are the most popular.  where mixed martial arts has taken beating someone up for money to a whole new level.  where we are so UNAFFECTED by the sight of blood, that our tv shows and movies are drowning in it.  

we need to WAKE UP.  we need to talk to our kids TODAY.  we need to make newtown a rallying cry for CHANGE.  there is absolutely nothing we can do to make the deaths of those 26 people any better.  nothing.  but if this tragedy can serve as a wake up call, then it will not have been in vain.  if we do NOTHING, then we should all be willing to take our share of the blame.

“Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it’s time to pause and reflect.” -Mark Twain