Thursday, February 28, 2013

you gotta have friends


Only your real friends will tell you when your face is dirty.  ~Sicilian Proverb


i know its been a month (or almost a month) but i have a really good excuse this time.  i've literally been in the middle of a life change - and spending some serious time trying to read the signs that have been pointed in my direction.  as you know, i'm a big believer in signs.  i just think that sometimes i tend to read them wrong...or backwards...maybe even upside down.  i thought it was probably smart this time around to make sure i was actually moving in the direction i meant to.

it's been challenging to say the least.  i quit my job - which for those of you who know my history may not think thats such a big deal - but what it felt like this time was not so much leaving one job for the next so much as making a decision to just STOP.  stop living someone else's life.  stop making decisions based solely on finance.  stop being someone NOT me.  so with college looming, and our economy in the toilet, i thought NOW would be a great time to be unemployed!!  but that's just me - perverse to the bitter end :)

why now?  because i hit a wall.  emotionally and mentally.  maybe even physically.  i realized, in no small part with the help, wisdom and encouragement from my super amazing friends, that i don't have to try to fit myself into anyone else's box of expectations.  i get to make my own.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

like everyone else, i have a great group of friends.  not being the super nicest girly girl on the planet, i wouldnt say i have a TON, but the one's i do have are the best.  they are an eclectic and crazy group - PERFECT for me.  and it amazes me so much that they are so willing to support me and be there for me whenever i need them to be. because i'm that friend that doesn't call or write to text or whatever.  pretty much ever.  unless we are trying to make some plans - or you know, if  i need something.  and i'm assuming they are cool with that - or they wouldnt still be my friends :).  what it comes down to for me is this....i wont be there every minute of every day - i'm HERE - in my own head and trying to keep centered on my family.  but i know that if ever any one of my people needed me, i  would be there - or at least do my best.  and i feel that 100% in return.

i know i have uttered to myself (and several of you over the years) the phrase "these are NOT my people".  its a stupid phrase and generally just shows you that i get SUPER uncomfortable in certain situations.  but i know you've all felt it.  you walk into a room, job, place and think "oh, HELL no".  and usually not for any good reason.  its just a feeling.  its why we all are not totally great friends with everyone we meet.  we all have PEOPLE.  people like us - or not like us - who we just happen to click with.  and its cool if you've ever met me and thought "oh, hell no".  it happens.  i'm sure with me alot more often than not!!

my point is - i wouldn't be where i am or even WHO i am today without MY people. new friends and old friends - they all offer such varied opinions and perspectives -and they make it possible for me to look at things from different angles.  they share their challenges and successes and make it possible to step outside of my own little world.  they are the ones who say unequivocally "you can do it"- whatever IT happens to be.  and for me, there is no greater gift.  because for the most part in my life, i am the "strong" one.  the decision maker. the do-er.  the advice giver and the helper.  i dont often find myself on the side of the indecisive or needy. not that either of those places is bad.  its just not usually me.  so when i found myself there this time, i looked around and realized that i wasnt alone.  not even close.  and i cant tell you how much that meant to me.

I have sometimes been wildly, despairingly, acutely miserable, but through it all I still know quite certainly that just to be alive is a grand thing.  
~Agatha Christie

this last month i've probably shed more tears than i have in last zillion years.  i couldnt make up the series of events that occurred, but lets just say i spent waay too many hours visiting hospitals for way too many people, both family and friends.  added on top of job stress and college stuff and feeling like a horrible parent to my 6th grader, i literally just CRACKED.  it was like my body physically couldnt handle one more thing.  and thankfully (SO thankfully) none of this was tragic - just HEAVY.  clearly the people actually IN the hospital had it a lot worse.  but my initial reaction to all of this was to SINK.  to falter under the weight of the bad news.  it started to paralyze me.  and then something else happened.  i started to see how these horrible circumstances were bringing out the BEST in a lot of people.  friends overcame differences to comfort each other.  family set aside silly squabbles to support one another.  essentially almost everyone i know RALLIED to varying degrees.  and it became apparent that i needed to as well.  

so this is me....rallying :)

most people probaby dont rally by quitting their job.  or embracing the idea of staying in their sweatpants for a week.  but most people arent ME.  and if you happen to see me somewhere with no makeup on, a hat and sweatpants - i hope you take a second to think to yourself  "THERE she is".  because when you get right down to it, THAT is me.  well maybe not the no makeup part - but definitely the hat and sweatpants.  the no makeup part means i'm LATE - and THAT is me as well!

the moral of this story is that my friends rock.  actually friends in general rock - even when they arent mine.  for every negative story you see out there, there are 10 million more awesomely positive examples of people doing GOOD.  and usually in some way for their friends.  for those people that need them to help.  

its easy to be a fun friend - we all have fun friends and have been fun friends.  but its a lot harder to be difficult friend.  the friend that tells you to get your head out of your ass. or that you are being a pain.  that you are wallowing.  the friend that can be honest, when thats not what you want to hear.  but THOSE are the friends that give you the strength and the courage to move on.  to pick your self up and GO.  sometimes them holding a mirror to your face is enough. sometimes they have to shove you kicking and screaming. but if they are willing to do that for you, then you know they will also be there to pick you back up.

i love you guys.  i'm thankful for you.  i am blessed by your presence in my life.  and that is why my nervous breakdown turned out to be just a stupid flat tire. :)