reflections on a learning year

The most useful piece of learning for the uses of life is to unlearn what is untrue. ~Antisthenes

To say 2014 was an interesting year for me is a very mild understatement.  but if i had to sum it up in one word, it wouldnt be good or bad....it would have to be educational.  i cant remember a year where i learned so much -about myself, my friends, my family and what matters at the end of the day.  so in this way, while i have had a few rough patches, it has been an incredible reminder of how fortunate i am, and why.

i think a lot of us spend our adult lives drifting.  we do the things we think we are supposed to do - go to work, take care of our kids & houses, go out occasionally with friends - but most of it is just habit.  the things we have been doing for so long we cant remember why we CHOSE to do them in the first place.  we lack the JOY in the everyday.  life can be tough.  money is tight.  our kids need more & we are so stretched by the demands we have on us, that sometimes we cant SEE the forest, much less the trees.  and definitely not any of the light that peeks thru.  maybe this is not true for you.  i hope its not - i hope every one of you sees the blessings around you every day.  but i know for me, this year was a struggle to see them.

as with most things, it starts with work.  i've written a million times about my lifelong challenge with work.  this year was no different.  and what i did, which was the precursor to a millon small disasters, was cave to my internal pressure to get a "real" job.  again.  my messy mind goes something like this - next year we will have 2 kids in college with no forseeable way to make that work - start crazy panic mode.  get mad at husband because somehow he should be able to magically fix this (right??).  come to the conclusion that the only way for us to make ends meet is for me to get ANOTHER job.  because what really happened was, SiB hit a huge bump in the spring.  we had a super fun winter leading up to spring sports.  i thought FINALLY i had found my niche.  and let myself think that my business would magically sustain itself.  after all, i showed up everyday, i worked hard.  why wouldnt it.  because i didnt have a PLAN (like a dumbass) for what would happen when the season started and all my clients went away.  so what did i do?  in pretty spectacular fashion, i gave up.  which is pretty hard to admit, but sets the stage for why the rest of the year was such a challenge.  i felt like a failure.  i took a job i didnt want because i didnt know how to FIX the one i had.  and it sucked.  probably because i didnt want to be there.

Supposing you have tried and failed again and again. You may have a fresh start any moment you choose, for this thing we call "failure" is not the falling down, but the staying down. ~Mary Pickford

i'm sure you will be surprised to hear that THIS made me MISERABLE. and MEAN.  two words i have not associated with myself in a long time.  but unhappy has a way of making itself known.  but THIS - this awful horrible ugly place - was where i found the light.  they say (you know, the mysterious they) that you learn more about your friends and yourself when times are bad, when YOU are at your worst.  the people that stick - THOSE are YOUR people.  they are the ones who know you aren't always nice or fun - actually can be a stone cold bitch - but they STICK anyway.  because they know that you are having a tough time and they CHOOSE to ride out the storm.  and when you come out on the other side, its AMAZING how you value that lesson.

and sometimes all it takes it ONE MOMENT of clarity for everything to change.  you find yourself at a really low place, but when you look around - you arent alone.  YOUR people stuck.  and you realize that like everything else, THIS awful ugly place is a CHOICE.  and you can get out.  so i did.  really just like that.  it wasnt easy.  it wasnt all sunshine.  but what it was, was FREEING.  i finally got to really THINK about what made me happy.  and what was dragging me down.  and i started to FIX the things that i had broken.  i quit that awful job. and rededicated myself to SiB.  i rediscovered my PASSION for fitness in that dark place.  because exercise has ALWAYS helped me pick myself up.  THAT is what i am meant to do - help other people find THAT.  it only took me 43 years to figure that out.

When a man does not know what harbor he is making for, no wind is the right wind. ~Seneca

obviously everything isnt always sunshine and light.  but its amazing to me how much lighter i feel ON THE INSIDE after letting go off all of that negative energy.  i lost some things i thought were important in 2014 - some friends, a team, maybe even a whole hobby.  but what i gained was so so worth it.  i gained PERSPECTIVE.  and re-found my bliss :)  i discovered who sticks.  and i realized that it was up to ME to NOT to let the darkness win.  so i didnt!

as i look at 2015, i cant believe what is coming my way.  an 8th grade promotion.  a high school graduation, and a college graduation (yes, already).  2015 has SO MUCH potential for greatness, and i will not be the one who drags it down!!


i learned in 2014 that i can move on.  i learned that i can go back.  i learned that failure doesnt have to be final unless you let it.  and i learned to snowboard.  sounds like a pretty solid year after all.

Never confuse a single defeat with a final defeat. ~F. Scott Fitzgerald