turning points

i dont think you ever realize the significance of things as they happen.  occasionally maybe.  but not normally. life just goes on its daily path.  but every once in awhile something happens that makes you take a look back at the things that have shaped you.  and its not always what you might think.

“Who are we, if not measured by our impact on others? That’s who we are! We’re not who we say we are, we’re not who we want to be – we are the sum of the influence and impact that we have, in our lives, on others.” ~ Carl Sagan

i got the news today that my college coach lost her battle with cancer.  it was a long and painful struggle for her.  i wish i could say that i had reached out to her.  but i didnt.  i guess its safe to say that wendy and i had a VERY difficult relationship.  very.  i would say that she ranks right up there as my most controversial relationship ever.  which is saying something.  believe me.  but i would never have wished upon her the horrible struggle she went through.  i also should have reached out.  but thats for me to deal with.

really what i'm trying to come to grips with is what an influence she had on me.  i mean, i knew it at the time because it was a daily topic of conversation.  but in the end, i never could have described the lasting impact our relationship would have.  wendy was a driving force in shaping the adult i would become.  she was THE central player at one of my biggest turning points.  it goes like this.....freshman year i was one of 3 freshman to play varsity.  i was good.  certainly not the best (go monteiro!!), but competitive.  and like everyone else on the team, used to being the best player on my high school team.  so definitely cocky.  and mouthy....i'm sure you are all shocked.  i came to school in HORRIBLE shape, because i hated to run and was super fast. and i'd never really had to work that hard to be in shape.  i figured i'd be ok.  i wasnt.  which was wendy's first impression of me at school.  raw talent.  unmotivated.  out of shape.  do you think ANY of those things still apply??  because i dont.  and that's when it began.

fast forward to a fairly frustrating freshman season, where i would start and get pulled continuously.  i never lived up to her expectations, and started to find perverse pleasure in making her crazy (again, i'm sure you're shocked).  but this is where it changed.  i blew my knee out second to last game.  at cornell on their shitty turf.  which was an 8 hour drive back to school.  all of which i spent with wendy telling me i was overreacting, and that i would be fine.  she probably believed it.  probably.  but clearly my season was over.  and when we got the actual diagnosis and the date for surgery, wendy's reaction was basically a "so you wont be back".  because she didn't believe i could, or would, put in the work to make it happen.  and i'm sure she didnt even want me to. our relationship really was that bad.  i mean i could tell you wendy stories for DAYS.  most in hindsight are pretty funny.  i can only imagine what they looked like from her perspective.

this is the thing.  i can remember so clearly her writing me off.  and in that ONE MOMENT, it became the single most important thing that i prove her wrong.  and that's what i set out to do.  i became TOTALLY focused on not only being ABLE to come back and play, but being in the BEST shape of my life.  JUST so i could show up, be ready to play.....and then QUIT.  i'd show her!!  pretty stupid.  but it was a long year.  and we were having players quit left and right.  i didn't want wendy to be able to say i COULDN'T come back.  i wanted her to know that i COULD.  and CHOSE not to.  that stupid injury wasn't going to be the thing that ended my career.  no way.  i wouldnt' give her the satisfaction.

“In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

so wendy anderson changed my life.  just like that.  i busted my ass for the better part of 8 months.  i rehabbed at school - crutching to the AC in the snow every day.  sitting my ass on a stationary bike for what seemed like YEARS.  and when i got home for the summer, i TRAINED.  for the first time ever.  i ran, and lifted, and sprinted.  i pushed myself harder than i ever had.  and a week before we went back to school, i shaved all my hair off, as my final FU to my old self.  i went to camp in kickass shape.  totally ready to tell wendy to shove it.  and then i realized that all that work had paid off.  and i was ABLE TO PLAY.  so quitting would just be kicking myself in the ass.  wendy clearly didnt want me.  to actually STAYING was the better FU.  so i did :)

our relationship never got better.  but it didnt get worse.  she made me prove myself over and over and over again.  i can remember our assistant carolan telling me i had better learn a corner skill, because that was the only way wendy would keep me on the field....if she absolutely had no other choice.  so i did.  again, just to MAKE her need to play me.  how messed up is that???  maybe she really was an evil genius.  because it certainly worked.  wendy, either purposefully or inadvertantly, made me the athlete i am.  which is amazing.  considering we probably never spoke a civil word to each other after my last recruiting trip.  maybe there was a method to her madness.  god knows she got me to play.

im so sad to say i never thanked her.  and probably never gave her the credit she deserved.  and now she is gone.  i think what i learned today is that EVERYONE comes into your life for a reason.  it may not be obvious at the time what that reason is, but believe me there is one.

i tell all the girls i work with whenever i meet them for the first time, that i wish someone had started me on my path earlier.  i wish i had gone to college with any kind of exercise or fitness experience.  i'm sure so did wendy!  maybe it would have made a difference if i had been in shape when i showed up that first year.  maybe she would have hated me anyway.  i'll never know.  what i do know is that i owe her a great big thank you.  one i hope she gets, now that she has found some peace.  in its own way, strong is beautiful is the culmination of wendys influence on my life.  hows that for irony?  you just never know what someone is going to mean to you in the long run.....

so, to all of you that i have met so far on my journey, thank you for what you've done.  i wouldn't be who i am without you.  i'm truly grateful to have you.

“There is no such thing as a ‘self-made’ man. We are made up of thousands of others. Everyone who has ever done a kind deed for us, or spoken one word of encouragement to us, has entered into the make-up of our character and of our thoughts, as well as our success.” ~ George Burton Adams

reflections on getting old

Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

i've had the very interesting opportunity this month to spend time with 2 of my oldest friends - both of whom live 8 hours away - in different directions.  not only was it just great to be able to spend time and catch up with them, but it was also, for me, a chance to reflect.  that may also have something to do with turning 42 (ouch).

like most of us, i like to think i have a lot of friends.  people who i have met throughout all the different stages of my life....the old playgroup moms from when the boys were little.  the moms of the kids teammates and schoolmates as they grew older.  the chics from the gym and softball and soccer and all of the other things i've done over the years to fill my time.  some of whom are very good friends...and becoming those that start to fit into the "lifetime" friends group.  but a lot are just cool people who i see and talk to when the occasion arises.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those

people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

and then there are the "others"....my real friends.  as i get older its so fun and interesting to me to realize that we have this BOND.  that only time and experiences can solidify.  these are the girls i dont see very often.  but who know ME.  the real deni.  not "fun" deni.  she's easy to be friends with.  these are the "nervous breakdown" deni friends.  the ones who realize i'm actually crazy and selfish and insecure, just like everyone else.  they see past the smile and the loud mouth.  and i am so incredibly appreciative that they stick around anyway!  cuz nervous breakdown deni is WORK. if you've met her in your travels, you know what i mean.  and if you are still around after witnessing it - THANKS :).

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.  ~John Leonard

the point i'm making is that TIME breeds all kinds of feelings.  sometimes the best relationships are the new ones - they are usually more fun and exciting.  they are full of what's next and when can we hang out.  they are usually made over some common interest.  and then often, when that common interest falters, the relationships fades a bit.  its the ones that STICK after that initial honeymoon phase that really can reflect on who you are.  and even on what you bring to the table, so to speak.  i think the coolest thing about my oldest and dearest friends is that they are so different.  from each other.  and even from me in a lot of ways.  but there is a core BOND that has never broken.  and i hope never will. 


i guess that's one of the advantages of age.  you get to be sentimental and its okay.  i've had 3 people say to me in the last week "i've known you over half my life"!  which makes me feel REALLY OLD.  but also really good.  because if i've know you half your life and you are still speaking to me, i guess i'm doing ok :)  the moral of the story is that  no one gets to be 40 anything without making mistakes.  and being a bad friend.  making bad decisions or doing things you regret.  but you also dont get to that age without doing some really great things. and being a good friend.  you matter to the people who have stayed in your life.  and probably to some new ones as well.  you get to celebrate your age knowing that your life to this point is EXACTLY what you've made it.  and the people you've carried with you throughout your journey love you.  fun you.  and neurotic you.  embrace it.  LOVE IT.

The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame. - Rod Steiger

i hope you'll think about the people in your life who stick.  they are the ones who make you feel good about being YOU.  let those friends be your reflection when you are feeling down or doubting yourself.  these people love you for all your own craziness.  and that's probably the coolest thing ever.

so as a newly minted 42 year old, i'd like to give a great big shout out to my "half my life" crew.  you may be little, but you ROCK!!  colleen & kir, jax & kris, kb & lisa......my 20 year+ vets.  i love you all!!  thanks for sticking it out for so long.  i hope at 62 we will have even funnier, and equally momentous memories to share! and i hope to be bringing a few more of you along for the ride :) xoxo

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  ~Lois Wyse

seasons change

To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.

John Henry Newman

Life is a funny thing.  no matter how much you think you have a handle on it, something always pops up to throw you.  or try to anyway.  the older i get, the more i learn that nothing is ever really what you expect.  sometimes thats good.  and sometimes its not.  but its always something!  and really, as much as you THINK you can prepare for whats next, you cant. maybe physically or financially.  but you cant mentally prepare for something you've never faced before.  or maybe its just me.  and i continue to be crazy.

“Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real.”  Deepak Chopra

to recap, i lost my mind and quit my job last spring.  started my training business (which i LOVE), but am not really making any money at (YET).  i also decided, quite consciously, to "take the summer off" (hence the post labor day post).  and by that, what i mean is that i went back to the days when my kids were little when my JOB was to hang out with them and take care of them.  and believe me, however sad, it's been YEARS since that was my JOB.  as your kids get older, they get easier to take care of.  they require less of your actual time - especially once you have a driver!  they dont need you to pack lunches or help with homework.  you dont need to organize playgroups or take them to the park. they do their thing, and you do yours.  and i feel like i got lost in all that.  i'm so lucky that my kids are cool.  we still did fun family things.  but somehow i felt like we were all moving in these different directions all time.  and i decided this was the summer to fix it.    and i got the added benefit of making my kids workout, so there's that :)

this is what we did,  we had family summer.  3 days a week, the boys went to workouts with me.  followed by family lunch. and by family lunch, i mean whoever happened to be at workouts!  it was AWESOME.  wakeup, workout, lunch, and home to relax.  3 day a week.  ALL SUMMER.  we ate more meals together this summer than in the last 5 years.  we had friends over EVERY DAY.  we went school shopping.  and to the pool.  we even managed a quick beach thing.  but more than that, it was the everyday lunch thing that reconnected us. if you worked out, you got to come to lunch.  if not, you were on your own.  its funny how FOOD motivates everyone in my house!!

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.  ~Robert Brault

in reality, what this summer did (i hope) was remind me and the kids that our family is pretty cool.  and home is a great  place.  so when they leave, they know they always have a place to come back to.  not because they need to....but because they want to.  we dropped jake off at Clemson with the knowledge that we would always be there for him. but that he probably wouldnt need us to be. he is taking his next step.  one i am confident will lead to a very bright future.  and one i'm pretty sure will never again include family summer.  so we took it while we could.  and hopefully when he looks back, it will mean as much to him as it did to us.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.--Alan Cohen

so there you have it.  seasons change.  one my babies has left the nest.  the most difficult question i get asked pretty much daily is "how you doin mom?".  how am i doing?  i'm doing ok.  honestly probably better than ok.  do i miss jake?  sure.  but we facetime.  technology ROCKS!  is it different?  absolutely.  but just like everything else, life goes on.  it may go on differently, but it keeps on going.  its just the next "new" normal for us.  luke gets to be the BMOC for a little while.  josh has the xbox to himself.  the house is a little quieter. there's a little less fighting (who knew jake was the culprit there??), but mostly its just life.  i used to hate that saying "it is what it is".  but its kind of true.  we knew jake was leaving for college.  we planned and worked and prepared for it FOREVER.  but mentally you cant be ready for it.  and it was hard to drop him off.  but its also SO COOL!  he's starting this next incredibly interesting new chapter of his life.  and so are we.  by the end of the fall, we will have ANOTHER driver. and another set of worries.  its just whats next.  i know its coming ,but that doesnt make it any easier to watch luke drive off alone for the first time.  like with everything else, i just have to hope that we've done our best to prepare him for his next step.  like always.  parenting is an imperfect science.  and its never ending.  sometimes you just might need to hit the pause button.  spend a minute and reconnect with the kids you've dedicated so much to raising.  it's totally worth it.  i promise.  you never know what's next for them.....or for you.

Celebrate each season, for you too, are transformed with the turns of the earth.--Arthur Dobrin

on fathers day

there is so so much i have saved up to write about....prom, senior night, graduation....the list goes on.  but while i've been LIVING it, i havent really had time to reflect or write about any of it.  i hope to get back to that in the near future.   but as it goes with me these days, an occasion pops up that i feel compelled to write about at the time.  you would have thought it would be graduation.  but no.  i guess i'm trying to NOT think so hard about that!!

today is for the dad's out there.  who are doing their jobs, helping to take care of their families.  and generally being overall awesome guys.  we couldnt do it without them.  or if we could, it wouldnt be nearly so great.  that's not to say i dont appreciate what single parents go thru.  i cant imagine trying to do the work of 2 people all the time.  but i also dont think the dads that stick get nearly enough credit.  its not easy.  none of it is.  just like all the amazing moms out there, these dads are working, running, juggling and most times being nagged within an inch of their life while doing it.

He didn't tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.  

~Clarence Budington Kelland    

i have been blessed in my life to have the most amazing father in the whole wide world.  whether my mom agrees on anything else or not, there is no arguing that.  he worked hard, he spent time with me.  he came to every single thing i ever did....and still does.  if you live anywhere near good old chuck county, then you know my Pop.  hes the absolute greatest. and not just because he was there everyday.  but because he took the time to show us what it meant to work hard and earn the things you wanted.  he taught us that hard work,
while important, wasnt everything.  he encouraged us to play, and compete.  and he was there to discipline us when we messed up.  which clearly isnt the fun part of the job.  but he did it.  i'm super glad to say my dad is one of my very best friends in the world. NOW.  but not when i was young.  when i was little, he was my DAD.  with big capital letters.  he dropped the hammer when necessary.  he made it clear when you were not doing things right.  he was THERE, day in and day out, for the good, the bad and the ugly.  he helped mold me into the woman i am today.  and he set high expectations.  he did his job. and if i do say so myself, he did it spectacularly.  so thanks for that pop.  you're the greatest :)

in probably the 2nd coolest twist of fate ever, i also happened to MARRY the best dad in the world.  crazy huh?  while i happen to think i'm a pretty good mom, my kids absolutely would not be the men they are today with their dad.  his is the yin to my yang.  we are point and counterpoint in this house.  but it works.  because at the end of the day, whether or not we agree on ANYTHING else, we agree on what we want for our boys.  and THAT is what makes kb so amazing.  our boys ALWAYS ALWAYS come first for him.  i know there are other dads out there that can say the same.  and i'm glad.  but maybe not enough.  and maybe not to the same extent.

kris was the 23 year old dad that stayed home alone at night with his firstborn, so i could work.  he did the whole bed/bath routine with jake for YEARS.  he was a solo parent on weekends for the first 6 years of our boys lives.  he did gymboree and trips to the zoo.  and as the kids got older, he never slacked off.  those early years set the tone for us.  kris has never skipped anything.  because he knows how important it is for him to just BE THERE.  for the kids to look up at games and awards and school functions and see BOTH their parents.  their success is equally important to both of us.  and kris has made these boys his number one.  i know they appreciate it now. but i'm even more sure that when they are grown they will easily say that their dad made them the men they've become.

The words that a father speaks to his children in the privacy of home are not heard by the world, but, as in whispering-galleries, they are clearly heard at the end and by posterity.  ~Jean Paul Richter

now kb wears many hats.  its hysterical to me that my kids call their dad COACH.  but there you go.  they have this amazingly super cool relationship that extends the normal boundaries.  but they couldn't have this one, if the foundation hadnt been there from the beginning.  kris is loved because he gives love without question.  he is respected because he has earned it by being there, day in and day out.  he is truly a gift to my kids and to me, and i KNOW we dont tell him enough.  i know i take it for granted that he will be there for me and them every day. and i shouldnt.  which is why THIS is the thing that's important enough to break my radio silence.

parenting is hard.  its the hardest job in the world.  there is no right answer and four million different ways to do it. and all with no guarantee.  what i've come to realize lately, in no small part due to the fact that jake is getting ready to fly the coop, is that anything i may be proud of regarding my kids is COMPLETELY due to what we've done TOGETHER.  kris gets a ton of credit for being a coach.  and he is a hell of a coach, dont get me wrong.  but he's a better dad. and i just think today, as we spend another father's day sitting on a lacrosse field, he gets acknowledged for what he does OFF of it.

so....happy fathers day kb.  you are the very best dad in the whole wide world.  i hope you know how much we love you and appreciate you.  none of us would be who we are today without all you've done and been and given to us all these years.

today and everyday, you are our hero :)

"In the baby lies the
future of the world.
Mother must hold the baby close
so that the baby knows it is his
world 

but the father must take him to
the highest hill so that he can see
what his world is like."

- Mayan Indian Proverb

thank you for encouraging our boys to FLY

thoughts for mothers day

The ultimate lesson all of us have to learn is unconditional love,which includes not only others but ourselves as well.
Elisabeth Kubler-Ross 

you may or may not have noticed the hiatus in writing.  basically i just decided to spare you all the million obsessive things running thru my mind as we prepare for graduation.  for those of you that have been there, you know what i mean.  and for those of you who haven't, i dont want to make you dread it any more than you probably do.  so its better that i just maintain some radio silence on the subject.  but i dont want mothers day to go by without some kind of acknowledgement to all the amazing women i know who are on the "front lines" every day - trying to be the best they can be and to raise incredible children.  its a tough job.  it requires daily diligence.  and often has more challenges than rewards.  but its the best job going.  so here is my small tribute to all the other moms out there.  wrapped in the lesson that i have finally learned.  and even though it took me a really, ridiculously long time - i'm so glad to say with my whole heart, i get it.

i think as women, one of our biggest faults is that we are critical.  of ourselves and each other.  we look at everyone else as the measuring stick of our performance.  as friends, wives, sisters and especially mothers.  we look at the stay at home moms who bake and go on field trips and feel like we should be doing more.  we look at the working moms who are setting an example of independence and success and think we need to BE more.  we look at the women who find time to go to the gym, cook dinner every night and keep their houses clean and think we need to figure out how to be more motivated.

when the absolute reality is this:  we are ALL doing the best job that we can.  we are ALL making the choices that we feel are best for our families and ourselves.  no one sets out to be a bad mom.  or a bad wife.  or a bad friend.  no one wants to feel inadequate or judged.  yet we are all made to feel that way at certain points.  whether by someone else or by ourselves.  because the other truth is that we can always do or be more.  ultimately finding the balance between what makes you happy and brings your family success is entirely up to you.  and once you realize THAT, it gets way easier to find it.

When we do the best that we can, we never know what miracle is wrought in our life, or in the life of another.  HELEN KELLER

i've heard a lot of different things about why i was going to love being 40.  you know most of it is BS.  my skin is weird and my hair is gray and i have to fight way harder to look the way i want.  i still have all the same crazy money struggles and life challenges i've always had. but the one thing that IS true about 40.....i'm way more appreciative than i ever could have been in my 20's or 30's.  i value time.  and i am a great deal more AWARE about how i spend it.  i'm at a place where i realize that my parents are getting older - and wont be here forever.  and where my kids are getting ready to leave me.  so finding some peace about ME is essential.  THAT is what has been cool about this age.  and i recognize it in so many other people in my life.  

i was talking to an acquaintance this week about kids and graduation and all the normal stuff.  high school drama and all that goes along with it.  and when i shared with her what we deal with in our house, she said "wow, i'm so glad to hear that - i thought your kids had it all together".  appearances are deceiving.  no one has a perfect life.  there is no such thing.  we all have challenges.  how we choose to address them is what matters.  because believe me - we ALL could use a hug now and then.

Love thy neighbor, and if it requires that you bend your understanding of the truth, the Truth will understand.  ~Robert Brault

so on this mothers day eve, i want to say to all of you amazing women who are fighting the good fight every single day .... I APPRECIATE YOU.  i may not agree with everything you do.  i may make different choices for my kids.  but it doesnt matter.  I APPRECIATE YOU.  because you are doing the hardest, most important job in the world.  and you are doing it to the best of your ability.  dont let anyone tell you any differently.  dont let anyone tell you how you are choosing to do that job is not the right way.  there is no right way.  that's why its so easy to feel like you are making mistakes.  there is no handbook for dealing with fussy babies or hormonal teenagers.  there is no rulebook for how often you should volunteer at school or take your kids to the movies.  this is a fly by the seat of your pants, on the job training kind of job.  and it never ends.  there are no vacations or time outs.  you dont get time to regroup.  all you can do is live each day, and make the best choices you can at any given time.  dont let anyone judge you for that.  

Some mothers are kissing mothers and some are scolding mothers, but it is love just the same, and most mothers kiss and scold together.  ~Pearl S. Buck

if i have one wish for all of us as we get older its that we take a little time out of our incredibly crazy lives to be a bit more thoughtful.  about how our actions and words affect others.  and maybe take a quick second to compliment or praise instead of criticize.  its way easier to find something wrong when you compare.  i'm not sure when we are taught that if someone is doing something different than we are, then one of us must be wrong.  because thats just not true.  here is my example.  (i hope it makes you feel better)  my family has rarely eaten dinner together.  we havent sat down at a dinner table literally in YEARS.  i know the "common thought" out there is that you have to share that time together to be a "successful" family and for years i felt guilty about that.  my own family ate dinner together at our kitchen table every night.  it makes my mother crazy that we dont.  but we just dont.  it doesnt work for us.  our schedules are too crazy and its just not worth the hassle for me to try to work it out every night.  my kids are honestly lucky i still feed them (but that's another story).  the point is, according to all reports, i'm doing this wrong.  and maybe i am.  but i dont care.  i used to care.  i used to stress and worry that my kids would grow up to be axe murderers because we didnt eat dinner together.  but you know what?  i dont think they will.  and i decided to define our family time differently.  we have family fun days.  we have movie nights.  i try to make sure that we are in touch with each other on a regular basis.  and that is the best i can do. and you know what?  i think that its pretty damn good.  


my hope for you all is that you embrace what makes you different.  you celebrate what makes your family unique.  and you understand that you are the very best mom in the world.  because you give it your everything, every single day.  that's what makes you the best.  and i dont know if it matters, but i have all the admiration and respect in the world for every one of you.  so take a second tomorrow and reflect.  not only on how much you love your family, but on how much you have GIVEN them.  stop selling yourself short.  its okay to feel good about what you are doing.  you deserve it.

No language can express the power, and beauty, and heroism, and majesty of a mother's love.  It shrinks not where man cowers, and grows stronger where man faints, and over wastes of worldly fortunes sends the radiance of its quenchless fidelity like a star.  ~Edwin Hubbell Chapin

a kind word

 i find myself NOT wanting to touch on the whole Boston marathon tragedy and ensuing craziness.  a certain part of me feels like i SHOULD.  but rather than give space or energy to the negativity surrounding the whole horrific event, i decided to just let it pass.  without comment.  because really, what more could be said?  its yet another inexplicable, senseless, horrifying display of man's inhumanity towards man.  and i dont think we need to dwell on any more of the awful things we can do to each other.  i will, however, applaud the thousands of first responders, family, friends and citizens who stood up to demonstrate the true spirit of love that lives within us.  while the tragedy sends us searching for answers, the outpouring of feeling, compassion and aid renews our hope that we will one day figure out how to come together without the impetus of such a tragedy.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

one of the hardest things we can learn, and teach our children, is to THINK before we act.  or speak.  its so much easier to just react.  let emotions rule us.  condemn someone or something before we understand them.  not that i think we need to look for excuses for anyone's behavior.  but i think we need to be more CONSCIOUS of what we are doing.  both positively and negatively.  i'll give you 2 everyday examples:

i came home after a normal day of running around, but wasnt feeling great.  when i walked in the kitchen, there was trash literally ALL over the kitchen and hall.  and boy was it yummy.  coffee grounds and scuzzy chineses containers.  which happens.  we have 3 dogs.  but clearly my kids forgot to put them away before they left the house.  resulting in said kitchen disaster.  rather than taking 2 seconds to calm down, i immediately picked up the phone, called jake and LOST MY MIND.  like he knocked over the trash before he walked out.  it might not even have been him. but i felt completely justified in ripping into him, because he MIGHT have been to blame.  after all, i know it wasnt ME.

needless to say, it was not a great conversation.  and after i calmed down and jake came home, we had to spend 35 minutes talking it over.  just so i could FIX a problem i created.  because i acted without thinking.  i let my emotions get the better of me.  in the end, it was no big deal.  but i hurt his feelings - which turned a stupid kitchen mess, into a much larger issue than it needed to be.  i was going to have to clean up that mess one way or the other.  but if i had not reacted to quickly, i might have asked jake what happened and learned that he had to run out to help someone on the fly.  which meant he forgot to close the dogs in.  honest mistake.  compounded by his mom losing her shit.  so my bad day bled over onto jake.

woudnt it have been so much better for my GOOD day to have bled over?

The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.  ~Author Unknown

its that initial negative reaction i want to combat.  i want us ALL to combat.  its so much easier to lash out with a mean word, rather than to just take a second to breath.  and then let it go.  clearly there are larger things that happen that make that impossible.  but i'm talking about normal everyday things.  like kitchen mess.  and laundry piles.  forgotten homework or lost shoes.  you know, the little things that sometimes just seem to set us off.  or maybe its just me.  if it is just me - 1) that's amazing and i'm proud of you all... and 2) send me some pointers!!  in the grand scheme of things, we let really dumb stuff cause us these hugely negative emotions.  and they spread.  one mean word from me affects my entire family.  i can ruin an entire day for 5 people by 6:30 in the morning, just because i dont think before i speak.  so that's what i'm working on next.

and thanks to some great people, i have awesome examples.  i have a friend who will randomly just send me a card.  and it always, always brightens my day.  that she would take the time to actually sit down, jot down a thought, and stick it in the mail (and actually has my address) is incredible to me.  its so THOUGHTFUL.  and i admire her for taking the time.  i know she does it for many of her friends, and its such an emotional gift.  wouldnt it be great if we all took just an hour, once a month and wrote out some old fashioned cards?  think about how great you used to feel when you got a piece of mail that wasnt a bill :).

i have several lovely friends who do such thoughtful things for me.  they check on me, and cheer me up.  all the stuff that friends do.  but i also have had a few people reach out unexpectedly to do nice things.  and THOSE are so striking.  i had someone send me a beautiful text about my boys today.  and it literally MADE MY NIGHT.  those quick words brought such joy.  and i am so grateful that she took the time to THINK to write them down.  so often we see someone do something nice, and we notice it.  but we dont follow up.  and while i'm sure people arent out there doing nice things to get noticed, its heartwarming when someone acknowledges the NICE.  because we surely notice and comment on the not nice.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless. ~ Mother Teresa

my challenge for myself- and you, if you are interested, is to start SHARING the good. if you notice someone doing something kind or brave or positive, take a second and note it.  shoot a text, or write a card. or just say "go you".  but remember it.  and pay it forward.

it seems to me the world can use all the positive vibes we can give it.  stop paying attention and giving attention to the bad stuff.  its like rewarding bad behavior.  maybe we cant ignore it all.  but we can definitely stop making it such a high priority.  we can stop making it news every minute.  if we can start acting out of love and kindness, maybe there wont be so much room for hate and violence.  i know its easier said than done.  but we have to start somewhere.  and we have to start now.

not a day goes by

my husband is a creature of habit.  which is often a very good thing.  sometimes annoying, but he is the soul of dependability.  and every single day since his sister was diagnosed with cancer, he has an alarm on his phone that goes off at 10am.  it simply says "text tiff".  because he knew he needed to do that.  every day.

tomorrow marks the first anniversary of her death.  and every day at 10am, that alarm still goes off.  and every day at 10am, theres a quick second when he thinks shes still here.  sometimes you can see it on his face if he happens to glance at his phone right BEFORE 10am.  he thinks, its ALMOST time.  but he never, ever silences it.  and he never will.  its one small way, every single day, that he carries his sister with him.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

a year later, many people will have moved on to some degree.  life goes on for the living.  there is work, school, sports, everyday STUFF that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other. that doesnt mean anyone has forgotten.  or will forget.  there are so many things that happen to her family, to her friends that make us turn around and say "tiff would have loved that".  sometimes its a happy moment. often it just brings back the sadness. i hope as time goes on it will get easier to say it with a smile.  because that feeling will never go away.

i think the hardest part of this year is that everything is a FIRST without her.  every birthday, holiday, school event is the first one that tiff is not here for.  there is no way of getting around that.  or the fact that it takes some of the joy out of each of those milestones.  and thats okay.  its expected even.  but i hope that as time goes by it will get a little bit easier to smile on those days, knowing that what she gave to us while she was here has made all of those days possible.

it seems like every time something comes up, we think - we just have to get thru her birthday.  or easter.  but each time we get thru something, another thing pops up.  spring break on the beach in florida was great.  but its impossible to go there and not think of all of the years we did it together.  and as jake's graduation approaches, i know that her absence there will be truly felt.  he was after all, her "jakey".  there just ALWAYS going to be one more thing we wish she could be here for.

so MY wish for tomorrow, and all the days that follow is that we NOT FORGET.  which to me is a little bit different that just remembering.  we will all always remember tiff.  she was a great mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend.  but she was so much more than that.  she was the girl who liked to shop at marshalls, and gossip about clothing choices.  she loved the gym, and to make things beautiful in her home.  she loved her girls weekends, and was a master organizer.  i dont want to just remember tiff, my sister in law.  i want to NOT FORGET the funny, crazy things we would talk about out.  or the whirlwind black friday shopping events.  or even the fights.  because a few of those ended up being some of our best stories together.

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us.  As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us.  ~Sascha

i know for kris and the family, nothing makes losing tiff any easier.  all of the amazing support they have gotten and all the funds for sarcoma research they have raised are a fantastic tribute.  but none of it makes it any easier.  and nothing we can say or do probably ever will.  but i like to think that knowing she wont be forgotten is the best comfort we can give.  maybe tomorrow, rather than just letting the family know you are thinking of them, you share your favorite memory. or something special that YOU wont forget about tiff.  so they know that we all share in the memories.  we all mark the day.  we all miss her.  and we will not let her be forgotten.

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 timothy 4:7

tiffs personal fight is over. for us, it goes on.  to find peace. to see reason.  and to work to find a cure.  every memory we share, every dollar we raise in her name continues her race.  we WILL keep the faith.  we will keep not only her memory, but her SPIRIT alive.

.

http://www.active.com/running/webster-ny/2nd-annual-steel-lillies-5k-2013

determination never gets old

A man's age is something impressive, it sums up his life:  maturity reached slowly and against many obstacles, illnesses cured, griefs and despairs overcome, and unconscious risks taken; maturity formed through so many desires, hopes, regrets, forgotten things, loves.  A man's age represents a fine cargo of experiences and memories. 

 ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

i have to say that while i have always had a great deal of respect and admiration for my grandparents, i truly have a newly found GRATITUDE for them.  maybe its normal to take your parents and grandparents for granted.  for me, i have been truly lucky in that both generations were always just there.  in the crazy ways of time and life, even though I was getting older, i just expected them to stay the same.  which is ridiculous.  but true.  my grandparents have been "old" my whole life.  pappy has had the same gray beard literally my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.  so i didn't really SEE the passage of time on his face like maybe i should have.  or maybe i just wasnt paying enough attention, since i can clearly see it on MINE :)

my grandfather was born in 1925.  think about that. 1925.  in his life, he has seen almost every technological advance.  he has lived through every war in our current span of history.  what makes my grandfather a super bad ass is that he was in the original class of UDT Frogmen - the precursor to the Navy SEALS.  he joined the navy as a wayward 17 year old and fought for his country in WWII.  He is the LAST SURVIVING MEMBER OF CLASS #001.  how AMAZING is that?  its something the family is very proud of and something we all learned about.  as a matter of fact, he was the subject of one of jake's history fair projects a few years ago.  so i guess what i'm saying is that its something we are all AWARE of.

where am i going with this?  Pappy has taught me more in the last 8 weeks about sheer WILL than anyone i have ever met. and i dont think i really recognized what it MEANT that he was in that first class of frogmen until now.  i KNEW he was.  but i didnt understand the kind of man that made him, if that makes sense.

“Four short words sum up what has lifted most successful individuals above the crowd: a little bit more. They did all that was expected of them and a little bit more.” ~A. Lou Vickery~

he went into the hospital on february 1st after a car accident.  he had broken ribs, fractures in his neck and back, a broken collarbone, and various minor injuries.  and he was fairly frail of frame to begin with, as many 88 year olds are.  he was admitted to critical care where his lung collapsed.  he beat that, moved upstairs in the hospital and contracted pneumonia and was once again placed in critical care.  he beat THAT.  after over 6 weeks in the hospital, the majority of which he was intubated and immobile, he was released to a rehab center.  which is where he is now. 

 let me just say this.  there are not many 88 year olds who make it out of the hospital.  period.  and what separated my grandfather from them was nothing less than SHEER DETERMINATION.  his WILL to live proved greater than all that was going against him.  you could see it, day in and day out.  and now that he is in the rehab center, its astounding to watch him.  because the number one attribute i would say expresses his feelings at the moment (aside from gratitude) is FRUSTRATION.  he literally does not understand why he is so WEAK.  he doesnt understand why they wont let him do MORE rehab.  he literally epitomizes that saying "never give up".  the man just has no QUIT in him.

it's literally amazing.  and its been my profound blessing to watch.  and learn from.  i've watched a lot of very strong people fight obstacles in their lives.  and all too often, even with all the fight in the world, they lose the battle.  which is so devastating.  and disheartening.  and then something like this happens.  you watch someone WIN.  that's not to say pappy has an easy road in front of him.  he does not.  but i know, and so does he, that when he finally leaves us, it will be on HIS terms.  when HE is ready.  and not one freakin minute before.

he often says to me that he is amazed by time.  he cant believe so much time passed while he was in the hospital, because he just cant remember it.  and then he comments on how quickly things can change.  just one second behind the wheel changed the rest of his life.  he is hyper- aware of time.  he watches the trees blossom outside of his window and the plants grow in his room.  the clock plays tricks on him, he says.  and while i know he wants out of that place and is frustrated by how long it seems to be taking him, i can only sit in AWE of how far he has come.

and of course, as with everything these days, sitting with him makes me extra sensitive to time.  pappy feels like the days are moving so slowly while he is stuck in limbo between where he is and where he wants to be.  and i feel like time is speeding by me as we prepare for graduation and college.  i want time to stand still and he wants it to hurry up.  and ironically neither of us is going to get our wish.  time is just going to keep on keeping on.  the way it always does.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

~William Shakespeare

i've learned a lot of things over the last year or so.  i guess because i've been attempting to pay attention.  and i absolutely love that there is so much out there that can still amaze me.  like most people, i've seen truly inspirational things in my life.  people do good things, and have triumphant moments.  but its so very cool to me that i've gotten the chance to be so incredibly IMPRESSED and INSPIRED by someone who in his own mind has already achieved his greatest accomplishments. what he may not realize is that while his PAST is amazing and certainly something to be proud of, its just one part of the man he is today.  and the man he is today can STILL INSPIRE.

you are never ever too old to shine.....

between want & need

you can read that right?  the difference between WANT and NEED is SELF CONTROL.  to which i say "HA".  to me the difference between want & need is completely dependent on what  is going on at any particular moment.  like today maybe i didnt NEED a peanut butter egg.  but today was a pretty easy day, all things considered.  however YESTERDAY, after finishing a 15 hour drive home with my kids from florida, i CLEARLY NEEDED one.  you see my point?  it really has very little to do with self control.  it has to do entirely with my MENTAL state.

“What we call happiness in the strictest sense comes from the (preferably sudden) satisfaction of needs which have been dammed up to a high degree.”  Sigmund Freud 

i think the coolest thing about wants (and needs) is that if you ask 100 people what their wants and needs are, you will get 100 different answers.  i mean really.  all we NEED is love?  air? water? food? how about shelter? companionship? respect?  need for what?  what do we need to LIVE?  or need to be HAPPY?  2 entirely different questions.  you know when self control comes into play?  when you are trying to get something a BIT out of your reach.  maybe your weakness is food.  or shoes.  maybe its both.  and maybe you WANT something maybe you shouldnt have at that particular moment.  by all means, exercise some self control.  self control is definitely NOT a bad thing.  probably ever.  but this is generally what happens to ME.  i tell myself i shouldnt have a peanut butter egg because really, i DONT need it.  i just want it.  i also maybe WANT to lose a few pounds, so i now have conflicting wants.  i dont NEED either. and if i use my self control to DENY myself the peanut butter egg i really want, i'm happy for about 10 seconds.  because i think i've won.  but in reality, my body starts to obsess about it.  because you know what?  i cant lose a few pounds right THIS SECOND.  but i can have a super yummy delicious peanut butter egg.  which makes me immediately happy.  so maybe I DO need it????   you see where this is going right?

“Hope and faith goes hand-in-hand, because without hope there is no faith. The same goes with want and needs, without any wants, there no need to have a need” ― Temitope Owosela

i can honestly say i want a lot of things.  some of them are normal (i think) and abstract.  i want to be happy.  i want my kids to be happy.  i want life to be less stressful sometimes and my bills easier to pay.  i dont necessarily NEED any of those things, but they certainly make my life better.  so really how do we determine the difference?  because really if we pare it down to what we actually, truly NEED, life is pretty darn basic. and boring.  its the WANTS that motivate us.  they become the things we NEED.  to feel happiness or success or reward.  without the wants, there really is NO need.  ok, yes i need air, etc.  but WHY?  if i'm miserable everyday, what's the point?

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

“Man.

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

i would make the argument that really the biggest NEED i have is to be happy.  or at least attempt to be.  because if i am happy, it means that i am doing the things with my life that i should be.  it means my kids are well and i am experiencing life.  not every single day is going to be great.  that wouldnt be reality.  but in the ATTEMPT to be happy, i am doing the things i NEED to do.  i guess the irony there is that we all define "happy" differently.  i guess we all define most things differently.  i never actually NEED a peanut butter egg.  except when it helps to make me happy :)

i would like to think that at the end of the day, i realize the difference.  like most people.  there is plenty of stuff i have and want that i definitely dont need. when it comes down to it, to me, the real difference between want and need is not self control, but self awareness.  when is enough, enough.  and when is it too much?  at what point is the need satisfied?  and where do we draw the line?  clearly the easiest line is material.  i think we probably ALL have too much STUFF.  but we never have too much HAPPY.  i guess if its stuff that makes you happy, then you have your work cut out for you.  not that new shoes dont make me happy.  or bags.  bags definitely work too.  along with the peanut butter eggs.  but what really really makes me happy is spending a few days on the beach with my boys.  or watching a lacrosse game.  or sitting with my grandfather.  watching a movie with kb.  playing softball with my sister.  talking to my pop.  getting to hang out with my friends.  you get the idea.  i would say that those are some of the things i NEED.  yes, i know in the grand scheme that most of them are luxuries.  they arent air or water.  but they ARE what makes this life worth living.  and to me, that makes them necessary.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.  ~Margaret Young