what now?

“It is good to have an end to journey toward; but it is the journey that matters, in the end.” ― Ernest Hemingway

Every time someone hears that Jake is graduating in 2 years, which is absolutely amazing (go Jake), the first thing they say after WOW is "what's he doing next?"  the assumption of course is that there is a NEXT.  and there is, for all of us, but it's interesting that any accomplishment is almost always followed by the pressure of the NEXT ONE.  how is the hell is Jake supposed to keep topping his own really cool accomplishments?  and why do we need to pressure him to do so?  the answer is, he doesn't and we shouldn't.  so please, everyone, lets just give him a second to ponder the "next" part.  pretty please!!

“No man ever steps in the same river twice, for it's not the same river and he's not the same man.” ― Heraclitus

Probably the hardest thing for Jake right now is that he's coming home.  It doesn't matter that he kicked clemson's ass and is saving himself (and us) and butt-ton of money by finishing early.  He sees coming home as a step backward (even if he wont admit it to my face).  Our kids leave for college thinking when they graduate, they will be grown up. able to make it alone in the cold hard world.  independent.  and that it happens magically once they receive that well-deserved diploma.  PSYCHE.  you can see it on his face every time someone says, so what now?  the grimace before he catches it and says "well, i'll be home for a while".  Like we are all expecting my 20 year old to have an awesome job and his life all figured out by now.  Not that he doesn't have a plan.  you don't get to be Jake Bayer without having a PLAN.  in all caps.  but it's going to take some time for it to flesh out.  and that's OK.  even if he doesn't quite believe it right now.  Jake is not the same young man that left this house 2 years ago (almost exactly).  He has lived on his own, fed himself, grocery shopped, cleaned, done laundry, worked a job AND managed to finish college ahead of schedule.  He has travelled abroad and navigated the real life issues of losing bank cards, getting his scooter stolen (yes, scooter) and filing a police report, and survived a florida spring break - without getting arrested.  He is not the naive 18 year old that left.  and yet, he is still that same young man with hopes and dreams for his future - he is just one step closer to realizing them.  even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

“Sometimes it's worth lingering on the journey for a while before getting to the destination.” ― Richelle Mead

sometimes life is long.  and sometimes it's short.  depends on where you are standing at the time.  i know for jake the last 2 years have flown by, and the next 6 months will probably drag.  it all just depends on how you look at it.  what jake accomplishes in this next chapter will be no less important or significant than what he has already done.  but it will FEEL different.  because as with each step in our lives, we set our bar higher.  it's a difficult road when you are always trying to do more than you've done in the past.  somehow the status quo became a bad thing.  and that is exhausting.  and daunting.  i hope this next little space of time is one in which Jake can just take a deep breath - slow down for a just a quick minute - and appreciate all he has done to get to this place.  he gets to relax for just a bit. watch his little brother start high school.  visit his other brother at tech.  see some killer college football games at both schools.  and coach with his dad.  all very very laid back but awesome things.  this is the  year of breathing, being thankful, and gearing up.  the next step will be just as challenging as the last.  don't you worry about that.  there is no way Jake is done yet.  but the story that is his life is just beginning.  the first 20 are for learning.  you guys all know what i'm talking about.  now, the next 20 - that's where the magic happens!  it's probably a good thing that he gets to spend a little bit of time now planning - enjoying the scenery.  because i don't see much down time in his future.

“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

i am so proud of you Jake. but you know that.  i know that you will do big things in the future.  but you know that too.  what you may not know is that i am so incredibly happy because you are doing things YOUR way.  you take whatever life throws at you, and you mold it into what works best for you.  your DETERMINATION is what sets you apart.  it always has. and it always will.  you have fun.  you appreciate life.  you manage to do what is important AND what is enjoyable. and you do it all really really well.  there's nothing more i could want for you, at your age, in your place, than to say you know who you are, you know what you want, and you are making it happen.  CONGRATULATIONS on all you have accomplished.  the Clemson Tigers don't know what hit them - honors degree in 2 years with a 3.99 - no surprise to me or anyone else that knows you.  you keep doing you.  can't wait to hang out with you this year.  and help plan for the next stage of world domination.  love you.

marriage is hard - 20 years later

A long marriage is two people trying to dance a duet and two solos at the same time. ~Anne Taylor Fleming

I think maybe 20 years might qualify as long. Im going to go ahead and assume we qualify, since at this point kb & i have been married our entire adult lives - and that's if you consider 23 an adult.  which i clearly wasnt at the time, but certainly THOUGHT that i was.

so today we hit the miracle (in these days) milestone of 20 years.  and figured it was about time i let you guys in on the craziness that is US.  after all, i wouldnt be ME without HIM at this point.  i've officially lived with kb longer than my parents - so now it's officially his fault that im this crazy mess. 

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. ~Paul Sweeney

Im pretty sure that anyone who knew us when we met would have given our chances at staying together about 10%.  we are from different states, with close families who wanted us home after college.  not to mention i am now and have always been a hot mess. kb is now and has always been the nicest guy in the room.  zero chance of success when looking at it from 19 year old eyes.  sure, he was (and is) super cute.  and awesome at lacrosse.  great smile.  fast as lightening on the field.  totally laid back off the field.  PERFECT college boyfriend.  right? hot, fun & friendly.  can't do any better than that.  but he was a year behind me in school and i was going back to MD and he was going back to ROCHACHA, so while we talked forever (like young kids in love do), we probably weren't serious.  life changes fast at 21.  and apparently at 22 as well.  because that's the year it became serious. i was back in MD, working in DC, buying a condo - living my post grad life.  kb was in school, doing his thing - kicking ass in lax and getting ready to graduate.  one little visit right after graduation, while he was still in RI and BANG - you guessed it.....pregnant.  hey there, reality, it's nice to meet you.  22, living in different states, barely out of school - no pressure, kb.

One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again. ~Judith Viorst

so that was our beginning.  we have literally been parents EVERY SINGLE SECOND of our 20 year marriage.  and we have been so incredibly lucky. and stupid.  we have done so many things wrong.  and we have gotten some things really right.  and this my friends, is what i've learned and what i most admire about my life and my guy, 2o years later:

• life is hard.  alot.  marriage is hard.  also alot.  but when you have a partner, its hard together. and sometimes that shared burden makes all the difference.  i find that balance is everything.  we learned VERY early on that we both couldnt be having a bad day at the same time.  it just didnt work.  we were both tired. ALL THE TIME.  kb worked days and was dad at night.  i worked nights and was mom all day.  we both slept about 3 minutes a day.  and if my husband has one serious flaw, its that TIRED is his kryptonite.  tired kris is NOT pretty.  or funny.  he's pretty mean.  maybe cranky is better - he's never really mean.  but ZERO fun.  and my kryptonite is hungry.  hangry was pretty much made up for me.  hungry deni is MEAN. seriously mean.  so we figured out pretty early on, that THIS was only going to work if we tried to avoid those things.  the good news is that kb can not eat for days, and i require very little sleep.  so when the demons came out, we were able to pick up the slack for each other.  it was our very first lesson in what it would take to weather the coming storms.  don't let kris go too long without sleep. and for god's sake feed deni.  pretty much still true today.

Marriage means commitment. Of course, so does insanity. ~Author Unknown

• when you are in over your head, start swimming. forget about that stupid lifeboat.  no one is coming to rescue you.  but if you keep moving, soon you will be in a different place.  it may not be better. but it will be different. and usually that's all it takes.  you guys that read this know i have had 400 different jobs.  kb has had ONE. yes i said 1. in 20 years. ok, 19.  but you get the idea.  my man is NOT going to change.  for about 100 years that drove me crazy. it was the source of a zillion fights and large amounts of angst.  unnecessarily come to find out.  because guess what.  i clearly was never, NOT EVER, going to win.  kris is constant.  so when things needed to be changed, i did it. often unpleasantly.  and i probably (or definitely) didnt appreciate what his unwillingness to change provided my family.  stability.  at the time it just seemed stubborn. looking back, i was able to take risks because i knew he never would.  there has not been one minute in 19 years that we havent had insurance.  i didnt care about that when i was 25 or 27.  but you can bet your ass at 43 i think its AMAZING.  our life for the first 10 years was all about babies.  and while we never had enough money (or thought we didnt anyway), we had security.  kb has been swimming steadily, at his pace, for 20 years.  and we are where we are because he never stopped.

What counts in making a happy marriage is not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility. ~George Levinger

• sometimes its not worth the fight. period. i spent a lot of time the first part of my marriage trying to change things (ie kb).  i had an idea in my head about how thing were "supposed" to be, and tried my damndest to get there.  and just like with everything else you try to force, it didnt work. and i spent a lot of time frustrated.  interestingly, when josh was about 2, i went to my pediatrician at the end of my rope. literally.  i was afraid i was going to lose my mind.  josh was the single most stubborn human baby ever born and i wanted to throw him across the room sometimes (i didnt, but i thought about it).  my super amazing pediatrician said this - DON'T fight every fight.  some things just dont matter.  only fight the fights YOU NEED TO WIN. and then WIN THEM.  light bulb.  that one piece of advice opened my eyes. not only to handling josh, but to how my hubby lived his life.  in his life, I WAS JOSH.  he only fought with me when it really mattered to him.  and he pretty much always won those fights.  clarity is pretty cool.  so i wont say we stopped fighting, but i will say it became much more normal to just say to kb - are you going to fight with me about this? and if he said yes, we just skipped the fight.  not worth the irritation and the energy.  growing up is awesome. sometimes :)

Most marriages can survive "better or worse." The tester is all the years of "exactly the same." ~Robert Brault

• whatever works, do that.  what works for us may not be what works for you.  i have no idea. but i do know that monotony kills.  between the 2 of us in 20 years we have coached about 30 teams, started 2 leagues and continued to play sports ourselves.  we are parents, friends, lovers & athletes.  why do i include athletes?  because ironically, sports in many ways has kept us together.  it has created a community of friends, provided an outlet for our kids and for us, and given us the opportunity to prove to ourselves that we can still have fun and compete.  kris & i are competitors.  and when we decided to try to NOT be those parents who lived vicariously through our kids victories, we went out to get our own.  i'm sure i spent too much time playing softball. and kris spent too little playing lacrosse. but we each had our own things.  an outlet that wasn't about the kids or the family every single second.  we have made mistakes and made compromises.  but it works for us.  all of it.  i know that because we are here. still.  after all this time.

20 years later, kris and i still fight.  he is still mean when he is tired and im still a bitch when im hungry.  we still put our kids first, and still try to find time to pursue our own interests.  kris is still constant.  and i am still crazy.  and yet, somehow it all works.  what i have really learned is that there is no right answer.  there isnt some magic formula for success.  and really success is all in your head anyway.  we havent so much managed to stay married for 20 years, as kept our unit together.  because at the heart of it all, that is what we are.  kris and i are not the measure of our success as a married couple.  our FAMILY is what matters.  the boys were ultimately the reason we first got married, and probably a million times in the last 2o years why we have let stuff go.  our unit means everything.  and i am the luckiest woman alive to have been able to live these last 20 years in this place, with this family, and this guy.  love you kb.  thank you for being my best friend, the best dad, and for NOT jumping off the roller coaster the many many times you have been tempted.

Shared joy is a double joy; shared sorrow is half a sorrow. ~Swedish Proverb

on graduation....the 2nd time

“Step with care and great tact, and remember that life’s a great balancing act.” dr seuss

on the eve of my second son's high school graduation, i thought it only appropriate to ponder what i have learned since the first.  because this experience, like all others, is unique and yet it represents something that we have already gone through.  and it is interesting that my thoughts this time around are pretty different from the first time.  i probably should have gone back to read my original, but i didnt.  because i want this to come from where i am RIGHT NOW.  not where i was back then.  if that makes sense.

the biggest thing i have learned since Jake left for college is that graduation is just another step. its a big one.  but its not THE big one.  which i think we all thought it would be.  i mean, come on.  high school graduation...that's the biggy right??  but no.  not so much.  it really is just the NEXT step on this long, winding road that we travel.  sometimes together.  sometimes apart.  but always at the same time.

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” dr seuss

the choices you make up until your graduation set you on a path.  but it doesn't have to be permanent.  you are allowed to change you mind.  after all, it's YOUR mind.  and YOUR path.  i think sometimes we forget that.  we get caught up in what we think we SHOULD do,  but dont stop to think about what we COULD do.  maybe you have it all figured out at 18.  maybe you don't.  or maybe you just think you do.  but you absolutely DO NOT have to decide RIGHT THIS SECOND.  that's what this next step is for.  Life CHANGES.  what might be important to you at 18 will definitely change at least to some degree by the time you are 30.  and again by 40.  Adaptability is the greatest life lesson there is.  It's not just about being able to roll with the punches.  it's about being able to dish some out as well.  there will be times that call for action.  and others that call for INACTION.  this next step in your life is about figuring out the difference.  you dont have to fight EVERY fight.  and the one's you choose to fight now, may turn out to be ones you wish you didn't.  that's the cool thing about the journey you are on.  life literally happens all the time.  all around you.  whether you participate or spectate. or  both. and eventually you will end up in a different place from where you started.

“Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment, until it becomes a memory.” dr seuss

this is probably the hardest thing to understand.  all great experiences are NOT great.  some of them really and truly suck.  especially at the time. some are amazing. and of course you will remember those.  but some moments you wish for and work for just end up being kind of blah.  or disappointing. and guess what?  that is OKAY!  you do not have to love every single second of your life.  you just have to LIVE it.  absorb the experience.  learn from it.  grow when you need to.  take a minute to reflect on what it MEANS to you at the time.  it is okay to be disappointed.  we all are sometimes. but usually it is in those moments you can learn something - most of the time about yourself.  it is not up to ANYONE else to make you happy.  happy is 100% on your shoulders.  and that is a pretty big burden.  we like to throw it on others people's shoulders whenever we can.  but trust me on this - its better if YOU KEEP IT.  and while its pretty easy to be happy and kind when things are going your way, the real challenge is finding out how to be happy  and kind when things are NOT.  that right there is one of the keys to the universe.

“Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple.” dr seuss

and this is another....THIS.  RIGHT NOW.  THIS IS IT.  the big IT.  the capital IT.  the one you will spend your life looking for.  you will work for IT.  dream about IT.  and believe that having IT is right around the next corner.  the next job or accomplishment.  the next relationship or milestone.  you will spend YEARS searching for it. and hoping you will eventually get THERE.  and have IT.  guess what? there is no THERE. and there is no IT.  that thing - the elusive IT that resides in the magical THERE - is the place that you currently exist.  your whole entire freakin life.  and if you could only take a second every single day to embrace IT, acknowledge IT & honor IT, you will live a much more fulfulling life. this i promise you.  please dont spend the next 4 years pushing toward IT. and then the next 4. and the 10 after that.  ENJOY EVERY SINGLE DAY.  find the beauty in NOW.  right HERE.  with the people you are with at this very moment.  some will stay with you on the journey.  and some won't.  but they have value NOW.  and that, my friends, is MAGIC if you embrace it.

“You’re on your own. And you know what you know. And you are the one who’ll decide where to go.” dr seuss

in light of all of this here and now wisdom, i'd like to share (like i think i did at last graduation) my hopes for these seniors.  taking the next step can be awesome.  & scary.  but mainly it's just the next thing you do.  with that in mind:

BE BOLD but KIND - keep in mind that not everyone sees things the way you do.  your perspective is 100% yours.  it is okay to feel however you want to about all manner of things, but try to do so with an open mind.  most people come into their way of thinking thru experience.  you can not force someone to your side.  its okay to vehemently disagree, politely.

BE ADVENTUROUS but AWARE - try new things.  be open to new experiences.  each one will add to the story of your life.  but be smart.  not all adventures are good ones.  keep your eyes open and watch for the red flags.  usually if you see one, you should heed its warning.

BE WILLING TO CHANGE  YOUR MIND - right isnt always right. sometimes its right at the moment.  and sometimes its just plain wrong.  its okay to learn new things.  or have someone else change your outlook or perspective. we all evolve.  its okay to do that.  in fact, its awesome.  no one is always right.  even if you think you are :)

BE WILLING TO MAKE MISTAKES - we all do.  it's the fear of them that often keeps us from stepping out of our comfortable little boxes.  its okay to make mistakes.  you learn more from those that you do from all the smooth sailing.  we all hear those adages about failure.  fail better.  thats what mistakes are.  just learning curves. and i hope you never, ever stop learning.

BE FRIENDLY - for goodness sake, be nice.  make new friends. the world could use a whole lot more nice.  be the change and all that.  friends are good. they dont have to be forever friends.  but you never know - they might be.  and you get to collect all these amazing people all along your journey.  keep your eyes open for them. and bring them with you.  you carry your people with you every day forward.  some in your heart. and some in your head.  because almost all of your friends will either add to your joy or teach you a lesson.  both are invaluable.

BE PREPARED - nothing bad ever comes from being over-prepared.  okay maybe a little stress is added.  but it's way better to be a little stressed getting ready for something, than totally freaked out trying to adjust to something you are not ready for.  THINK.  you have a brain.  USE IT. in advance.

“You’ll miss the best things if you keep your eyes shut.” 

dr seuss

CHOOSE HOPE - life can change in an instant.  dont wait for the shoe to fall.  embrace your moments.  plan for the future but live in the now.  your life will be made up of all of your NOWS.  don't forget to live them.

And to my own special graduate let me just say this:  i love you luke. i hope all of the steps on your journey take you places where you are happy, learn cool things, and bring you back home richer for all the experiences you have while you are gone.  i couldnt love you more or be prouder of the man you are.  keep doing your thing.  oh & go hokies :)

on being the 2nd son

 You don't raise heroes, you raise sons.  And if you treat them like sons, they'll turn out to be heroes, even if it's just in your own eyes.  ~Walter M. Schirra, Sr.

It's never easy to be in the middle.  of anything.  we avoid getting stuck in the middle of situations pretty much at all costs.  imagine being born there.  forever in the middle.  how you deal with that is the reflection of your character when you are born a middle child.  it's never just you.  and its amplified when you are all boys.  how do you make your mark as the 2nd son?  you arent the first to do anything, or the last.  you become defined by how you carve out your own place in the MIDDLE of the chaos around you.

And chaos certainly describes our house.  from the very first, Luke has had to establish his position. he is surrounded by loud, dramatic & fiesty at every turn.  he is the CALM in our storm.  Luke grounds us as a family.  He is the most consistent, and the most strong.  He literally defines the word UNFLAPPABLE.  which is a gift around here, believe me.  All of our kids are amazing.  We love them all, but each is unique.  It's the quiet ones that often are underestimated.  Or under appreciated.  Luke's approach, i think, has always been to go his own way.  he has been his own man from birth.  everyone's favorite picture and story of luke is from PRE-SCHOOL.  he did NOT want his picture taken.  and in his own, already ridiculously stubborn way, he made it known.  when i FINALLY got him (yes, my 4 year old) to agree to actually go to school on picture day, he said "fine.  but i'm not going to smile".
and here you have it...... 

this is what we got back from picture day....THAT LOOK, RIGHT THERE.  THAT is Lucas Bayer. I meant what i said. PERIOD.

i think the best part about that picture, aside from how damn cute it is, is that it absolutely captured a moment in time that somehow defined my boy.  he is respectful.  he will do what you ask, even if he doesnt want to.  but he is always going to find a way to let you know how he really feels about it.  never ever underestimate him.

There is no road too long to the man who advances deliberately and without undue haste; there are no honors too distant to the man who prepares himself for them with patience. Jean De La Bruyere

Slow & Steady wins the race.  Luke is the master of that.  You can count on him to get done what needs to be done 100% of the time.  He is just going to do it in his own way.  and on his own time.  trying to speed him along is like banging your head against a rock.  repeatedly.  zero fun. and totally ineffective.  and the best part is that he enjoys watching you try.  especially when it comes to his brothers. they do everything they can think of to fire him up.  sometimes they even succeed.  but it usually doesnt end well.  i think people mistake luke alot.  they think he is quiet or shy.  and he absolutely isnt.  what he is, is PATIENT.  he bides his time.  he's learned that from a life of just waiting out his brothers.  EVENTUALLY they run out of steam.  and that's when he gets you.  Luke is one of the funniest people i know.  he has an infectious laugh and a wicked sense of humor.  you just have to wait for it.  and a lot of people just dont.

we live in a world of NOW NOW NOW. Luke lives in a world of whenever.  he was impossible to punish as a child because he just didnt care a whole lot about things.  or going anywhere. or playing video games.  he was, and still is, content with himself.  if i said, go to your room, he would say "ok" - and go take a nap.  LAID BACK at its finest.  frustrating as a parent.  but what an awesome way to handle stress.  it's like he totally understands that he does something wrong, and accepts whatever the consequence is.  no harm, no foul mom.  you can see in his shrug that he just GETS IT.  why fight it?

this is not to say luke is perfect. although i think he is pretty darn close.  he is wickedly smart, and ended junior year tied at #1 in his class.  when you ask him if he wants to be valedictorian, his answer is, i don't really care.  and he doesn't.  labels mean nothing to him.  he KNOWS he's smart.  he has nothing to prove.  and THIS is what i feel the most pride in him for.  in this age of validation in every form, luke doesn't need it.  his quiet confidence SHINES from him in every way.  he knows who he is and what he wants to accomplish.  he applied to ONE school.  who does that?  because he knew it was the right fit, and has nothing to prove to anyone but himself.

No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path. Buddha

today is his 18th birthday.  the beginning of his "adult" life.  and while graduation looms on the horizon, this isn't the blog for that.  this is about appreciating all the joy he has brought to us throughout his childhood.  and recognizing what makes him completely unique.  lLuke literally rises above the craziness.  he blocks the noise and gets it done.  whatever IT is.  he is someone you can count on 100% of the time.  i dont think there's a better thing to be able to say about someone.

today i just want to say thank you, Lucas.  for always being YOU.  for doing your own thing.  being your own man.  i know we don't always agree.  i know your brothers drive you absolutely crazy.  but we all love you.  and we appreciate you.  most of all we SEE you.  we KNOW it's not easy always being in the middle.  other people may compare you.  but we don't.  we don't need to.  because you are, always have been, and always will be YOU.  and you absolutely ROCK.  100% of the time.

The greatness of a man is not in how much wealth he acquires, but in his integrity and his ability to affect those around him positively. - bob marley

luke, you are already a great man.  and i love you more than i can possibly say.