3 kids, 2 daughters in law, 7 dogs & 30 married years later....

Love must be as much a light as a flame. ~Henry David Thoreau

its been a long and winding road, to say the least.  but here we are.  if you had told 20 year old deni that the VERY handsome guy that lived 2 doors down from her junior year at good ol' brown university would be THE guy, she would have laughed in your face. and not because said guy wasnt totally awesome, but who finds their guy in college??? in the middle of immature, drunken mess, selfish era?  apparently, this girl!  go me :)

fast forward to a sunny day in 1995, with a beautiful, bouncing baby boy in tow, we made it official.  and thru all of the ups, downs and crazy winding roads, we made it here - to our 30 year anniversay.  INSANITY.  i cant possibly be THIS old, and we cannot possibly have weathered all these storms together - can we?

Cling tight to the hearts that will not let you fall. ~Emily Dickinson

first i want to acknowledge that i am SO fortunate.  life is hard.  raising kids is hard.  being a PERSON is hard a lot of the time.  and finding ONE PERSON to go through all of that with you is next to impossible - even in the abstract.  its an act of faith that you make before you know better (in a lot of cases), and then you just fucking make it work.  and it is HARD.  its also AMAZING. and everything in between.  when you share a life with someone, you GO THROUGH IT.  but you get to do that together.  and somehow, it makes everything worth it, to get to this point in the road and look back - to have all of these shared memories and experiences.  it really is just a crazy milestone.

we wouldnt be US without the kids. im just being honest.  do we actually make that big decision to live this life together without Jake?  who knows.  but we did.  and that decision has informed every other single decision we have made over the last 30 years.  where to live, where to work, when to get a dog - and then 2 - and then 3.  how to juggle raising kids and making money and living life.  trying to keep our sanity and be there for our boys AND each other.  it has been crazy and fun and busy and frustrating and SO GREAT.  most of the time.  sometimes is has sucked.  and we've been not good, and wanted to not be together.  but we never gave up.  and sometimes that is the best lesson of all.  things get better.  you work through the bad shit - and we ALL have bad shit.  but fighting thru it makes you stronger.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have past at home in the bosom of my family. ~Thomas Jefferson

i think the nostalgia is what gets me the most on a day like today.  looking back at all the incredible steps on the journey so far.  tball, soccer, blue knights, cclc - trips to kings dominion and up to rochester.  trips to siesta key and millions upon millions of days spent on sidelines, at lacrosse fields, baseball diamonds, and even some theaters.  watching our boys grow into amazing men, finding equally amazing women.  graduating from colleges and launching careers.  rescuing dogs, and more dogs - and even one cat.  we built this life together, memory by memory - year after year.  and what a journey it has been - and continues to be.

one of the things you really think about when you say those very traditional vows is the "in sickness and in health" part.  you mostly think it means if one of you gets sick.  but i think the thing that has been the hardest over the years is when the "in sickness" part means someone else you love.  some of the hardest, most heartbreaking times in our lives have been wrapped around illness, and ultimately losing people we loved.  part of that heartbreak drags you apart - the all encompassing sadness, the not wanting to be around people, or do anything at all.  and then one day, you realize that you have someone to lean on.  and cry with.  and somehow you get through it.  there are so many things that could have broken us apart.  and yet, we keep holding on to each other.

Don't mind a few bruises. Life's paths are full of stones and thorns. All are bound to hurt a little. ~Minna Thomas Antrim

life at 53 is VERY different than life at 23.  friends have come and gone, and almost everything in our lives has changed in some way.  we are not the same people we were back then, but we are lucky enough - and have worked hard enough - to be standing together all these years later.  we still get to sit on some sidelines, and hang out at the gym.  we still love spending time with the boys and are fortunate enough that they seem to still like hanging out with us.  we are older, sure - but still kicking. and with any luck at all, i will be able to add to this story in another 20 years.

all those many moons ago, i can remember talking with kb about how similar our families were.  we both came from blue collar dad/stay at home mom families - and ended up, somehow, at Brown.  and i honestly think that a part of HOW we have stayed together all this time is that foundation.  not necessarily the actual blue collar piece, but we came from the SAME place - with the same overall life experiences and expectations.  we have grown into different people, but we respect where we came from - and all the people that shaped us.  we have had epic fights over religion and politics over the years, but always from that shared perspective.  we both believed in our family unit, over and above all else.  and while we occasionally differed over some of the smaller stuff, we have been on the same page about our kids all along.  and whether or not our friends and family agreed with where we came down on those things, WE stood together on them.  and that has made all the difference.

The best thing to hold onto in life is each other. ~Audrey Hepburn

i am grateful every day that i have a partner who gets me.  we dont always get along. and the good lord knows we have had to fight to keep this ship from sinking a time or 2.  but at the end of the day, there is no one i could have travelled this road with.  no one else could have put up with all of my craziness, or stood by my side when things were falling apart. i feel truly blessed for having shared the last 30 years with such an incredible man.  and i cant wait to see how the next handful treat us.  heres to another decade (or 2) filled with more family, more dogs, more adventures, more love....and of course, some more lacrosse.

love you to the moon kb.

Love is the end, all else is the means. ~Adolf Wolff 

The Start of the Journey....

 If there is a day to act on the Love in your soul it is today, it is this moment. ~Mike Dolan

Luke & Hanne,

in honor of your "no speeches" request, i decided to go this route :).  on this day, the official beginning of your journey together, i want you both to know how happy i am for you, and how proud i am to see what you are building together.  you both know that relationships are hard.  finding your person - the one who is willing to put in the work WITH you - that is the real gift you are giving to each other today.  and i hope you remember as the years go by, all the things that made you CHOOSE each other today.  and of course, these are the things i hope you remember from a moms perspective:

always be friends first.  guess what.  attraction ebbs and flows.  jobs, babies, bills - all the things that happen as you move thru this life together will impact you in ways you just wont understand until they get here.  watching the 2 of you play games together, watch your shows and giggle together, share tik toks, cook together and plan all the fun outings you go on.  it is a pleasure to witness.  because you truly ENJOY each other.  THAT is what is going to keep you going.  longevity is still liking to spend time together -finding things that hold you together and keep your relationship strong when you are too tired, too stressed or feel fat (believe me, all those things will happen - more than once).  liking the person you are marrying is just as important as loving them.

Let's be a comfortable couple and take care of each other... how glad we shall be that we have somebody we are fond of always to talk to and sit with! ~Charles Dickens

treat each other with kindness.  its so easy to take life out on the person you loves you best.  we all do it.  we KNOW they will take it, so we use that person as our outlet for all the shit we go through.  this is a gentle reminder that over the years, those unkind words get heavier and heavier to carry.  part of the job of your partner is to be there for you through all the craziness.  but sometimes its better to book a session at the break a plate place.

be both a soft place to land AND a pillar to lean on.  life is hard.  you work challenging jobs.  some days you will be the strong one - and some days you will need someone to be strong for you.  its ok to need someone to lean on.  and it is ok to ask for support when you need it.  and it is equally important to be able to say "i got you" right now.  neither of you will always be able to be strong.  that is the beauty of a partnership.  having YOUR person be there through all the ups and downs is always worth the work.

Love must be as much a light as a flame. ~Henry David Thoreau

its ok to not agree on things.  life is a series of negotiations.  being on the same page for the big things is super important.  which kind of mayo to use is not worth the battle.  dig in on the important things and be willing to give in on some of the small stuff.  no one is always right. and no one is always wrong.  give and take makes relationships last.

be grateful.  in this whole huge world, you managed to find your person.  you build each other up.  you help each other in all the ways.  you have fun together and go on adventures.  never lose sight of all the reasons WHY you chose each other.  and what you each bring to the table.  you have opposite strengths - and weaknesses.  that symbiotic relationship is a true gift.  and you need to remember that in the hard times.

They loved with a love that was frayed around the edges but strong at the seams. ~Terri Guillemets

prioritize each other. be a UNIT.  outside influences will always weigh in on your life, your decisions, your choices and your plans.  as long as the 2 of you are on the same team, everyone else can pound sand.  not that you cant listen to those other opinions.  but if you put YOUR team first, you will be much better off in the long run.  its YOUR family that you are building.  build it together in the way that works best for you both.

Life has taught us that love does not consist in gazing at each other but in looking outward together in the same direction. ~Antoine de Saint Exupéry

no one is perfect. or even close.  everyone makes mistakes.  sometimes they are doozies.  this is where the work part comes in.  being willing to forgive - and to ask for forgiveness - is something that you will struggle with over the coming years.  no one wants to be hurt - or to hurt someone else.  but life throws things at you whether you are ready for them or not.  my hope for you is that you are never faced with big challenges.  but if you are, remember how much you love each other today - and fight for each other.

love wins.  you both come into this marriage with lessons you have already learned.  and you still are choosing love.  choosing partnership.  choosing to build a life together.  and that is what will carry you through.  if you can choose love now, and keep choosing it year after year after year, through the peaks and valleys of life, you will have a long, wonderful, amazing journey together.  

Love is the end, all else is the means. ~Adolf Wolff 

i feel so fortunate to have a ring side seat to your love.  i feel so lucky that lucas found the perfect partner for him and that i get another amazing daughter.  as we continue to grow our own family, i could not have asked for more for my boys.  i love you both more than i can say.  and i cant wait to be there through all of the amazing milestones you will have on the journey together.  and it all starts TODAY!! i love you to the moon and back!!

a 30 year old....when the student becomes the teacher

Life is a boundless privilege... ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

i am very lucky.  like, supremely fortunate.  my children are amazing - and i dont take that for granted - or lightly.  because believe me, it could have very easily gone sideways.  parenting is a crapshoot at best.  you do the things you THINK are right, but you really just never know.  and you get it wrong.... ALOT.  mix that in with being mostly a child yourself when you start having kids and you start to understand that your kids steer their ship in a lot of ways you dont realize until you are older.  we always jokingly ask how 3 kids raised in the same house, with the same parents can turn out so very differently (i am usually referring to me and my sisters in this context, but it works for most families i think - mine included).  and you realize that the answer is- your kids are their own people.  seems like a silly thing to say, but its true.  they absorb the lessons a bit differently.  they hear things in the context of THEIR lives, not yours.  and what they do with the information you share comes down to what they want or need - and it doesnt always coincide with what you were trying to accomplish.  so really - a total crapshoot, with some guardrails that you hopefully dont fuck up too badly.

You are the bows from which your children as living arrows are sent forth. ~Kahlil Gibran 

this week we celebrate Jake's 30th birthday. how i got this old is a total quandary - but that's life.  and its so crazy to look back and realize that we - jake kris and i - travelled this road together. you know,
aside from the 3 crazy college years :) that he (thankfully) was not a witness to.  we have been a unit our whole adult lives - i mean that really goes for all the boys - there is no kris & deni without the bayer boys.  but when i say we had NO IDEA what we were doing when we had jake, i am not exaggerating.  and honestly felt like we were doing it all wrong.  who knew that babies werent supposed to projectile vomit after every feeding?  not this girl.  it was just our normal.  i probably should have tried to figure that out, but we just rolled with it and changed his clothes A LOT.  you werent supposed to sleep with your babies or let them sleep on their sides.....fail & fail.  those early challenges (of which there were many) turned into the normal toddler/kid/teenage challenges.  and we always just kind of did what we thought was right - and honestly just tried to stay on the same page.  i think the best thing we did as parents was communicate with the boys.  there really was not a whole lot of "because i said so".  dont get me wrong, there was definitely some.  but we tried to create a home where questions were always ok to ask and honesty didnt get you in trouble (much).  and i think we did ok.  more than ok if i am honest.  my boys are amazing.  and what i want to share on this great, incredible, crazy milestone is what i have learned from my firstborn son.  so here goes:

live authentically.  we are a sports family.  and jake was no exception.  but early in high school he
decided to try acting.  to say we were surprised is an understatement.  but he had some serious injuries to overcome and rather than let those challenges derail him, he found another means of expressing himself.  he did not want to simply be defined as a "jock".  because that was not all there was to him.  and he forged that path on his own. the first of many times he stepped out of his comfort zone to explore what his life could become without the boxes we assumed for him.

follow your passion.  this kind of goes hand in hand.  but jake has always wanted to be of service.  he finds real value in that.  and while often in life "success" is marked by how much you get paid, jake never bought into it.  he wanted to make a difference, and he continues to do that daily.  the value of his career is what he can do for other people.  he wanted to be "in the room where it happens".  and he is.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

love generously.  jake gives way more than is asked of him.  and we are so fortunate that he found a partner who recognizes it (and can reign it in).  if it is in his power to do something for you, he absolutely will.  period.  he loves with his whole heart and if you are lucky enough to be in that circle, you know it.

problems require work.  that seems silly.  but a lot of us give up when faced with problems or challenges.  it doesnt seem "worth it" to figure out the answer.  i love that this generation is not afraid to say, i need help.  or give help.  understanding that life is NOT easy, relationships are not easy, work is not easy - those are some hard pills to swallow early in life.  but working thru the problems, getting to the other side - that is the real success.  you grow in the valleys - but you have to work to emerge from them.

If we have our own why of life, we shall get along with almost any how. ~Friedrich Nietzsche

be compassionate.  there is a world of people out there very different from us.  with different struggles and successes. not expecting  people to conform to one way of doing something is one of his greatest strengths (that he did NOT get from me).  he takes in all the experiences and exposure, and somehow finds a way to navigate from a place of respect and generosity.

prioritize your mental health.  ya'll know i can talk about physical health all day long.  mental health - not so much.  as a young man, being open to the idea of taking care of yourself was pretty eye opening (at least to me).  i love that this generation is aware of how stress and negativity can impact your body.  and while the self-care movement can seem unimportant or just a trend, its vital to long term happiness.  and just not something we ever thought about.

embrace your now.  jake and alesha do fun stuff.  they travel.  they go out with friends. they plan for
their future, sure.  but they live in the NOW.  no hand wringing or what if or why not.  of course there is some practical in there - they are very good adults - but living the life you HAVE vs the life you are waiting for is amazing to watch. 

enjoy life.  these go hand in hand.  but its so easy to spend all your time worrying. or passing up opportunities. not doing things because the time isnt exactly right.  but what i have learned from watching jake (and alesha) is go do it.  have the experience.  take the trip.  go somewhere you never been.  explore.  try different shit.  get out of the bubble you are surrounded by and just LIVE.

Life should be to us nothing less than a joy... real, sparkling, soul-stirring joy, that sinks down to the depths of our being... ~Ida Lyon

i am obviously proud of jake.  and could not love him more if i tried.  but i also really really LIKE the man he is.  and i honestly want to be just like him when i grow up.   the final thing i will say is this:  some of this he learned at home, of course.  some he learned from his wife.  and a lot of it is just who he is as a person.  this is what makes me so lucky to be his mom.  

on your 30th Jake i just want to say - thank you for being an amazing human.  an incredible son, partner, friend, brother and dog dad.  ADULTING looks good on you.  love you to the moon. 

epiphanies

time is funny. sometimes it seems to drag on forever, and other times it flies by in the blink of an eye. we all know this. but on those days - you know the ones that are going to be especially hard - not only does time seem to slow, but it also can freeze things in your mind. every single person on earth deals with grief differently. but it is inescapable that we deal with it. and for me, at least, it is an ever evolving feeling - that has the ability to bring me moments of remembered joy, followed usually by incapacitating sadness. i dont seem to be able to get the good without the bad - at least not yet. and while i am so grateful that i have so many good memories, it still cant find the ability to not break down in the remembering. 

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

dad would have been 77 tomorrow. and he would say he lived an amazingly full 75+ years. and i cant argue with that. but the longer he is gone, and the older i get without him - even seemingly so slowly - i understand so much more about what made him tick. 

e·piph·a·ny : a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience. 

one of pops' favorite things was to watch us play. all of us. he was a master spectator. his entire life really, but moreso after he retired. and while i figured he just wanted to spend time with us and show his support, i thought it was all really always done out of love, and maybe some responsibility thrown in.  but i had a moment this weekend with all the boys home that really made me TOTALLY UNDERSTAND why he did it.  i dont know when watching my kids play sports stopped being something i was INVESTED in - you know what i mean - and became something i ENJOYED.  i mean, i always "enjoyed" it, right?  but most of the time, when you are in the moment, raising your kids, running to hell and beyond every night and every weekend for YEARS, their activities become something to endure.   and their performance becomes something to critique.  you spend your time together evaluating what you could have done better, or should have done.  its another JOB.  and usually a pretty fun one, but still something we feel like we have to do.

The years teach much which the days never know. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

what i realized sunday - watching pickleball of all things - was that i had just as much fun watching the boys play as i did playing myself.  and believe me, THAT was definitely a first.  and that is when it hit me.....dad spent his last 15 or so years chasing me and lisa around the ball field because HE LOVED IT.  he found joy in the act of watching us do something  WE enjoyed - and thru us, he got to share in that happiness.  i dont know if im explaining it right, but i just finally understood it.  i know dad loved playing WITH us.  and coaching us.  and he did both of those things until he turned 60.  so hopefully i have another 10 years or so in me as well.  but what i definitely didnt get, until it happened to me, was that there is joy and happiness and satisfaction in watching someone you love do something that they love.  with no pressure or judgement involved. the results of pickleball absolutely dont matter.  there is no stress in how we perform (or dont).  its just a thing we enjoy doing.  and can compete at. you know, which we all love.

To bring up a child in the way he should go, travel that way yourself once in a while. ~Josh Billings

the most interesting thing, i guess, is that i always felt like dad wanted to be there with us.  but i also kind of felt like he felt like he SHOULD.  i mean, i know some of it was probably boredom. but im realizing that really it was just that he actually, down to his bones, enjoyed it.  the spending time with us AND the watching us play.  

the boys will probably be mortified to learn that i had this epiphany while watching them play pickleball.  i mean, i have been a spectator at some amazing games and competitions - and honestly have clearly also enjoyed all of those.  but there is usually some degree of stress.  i hope he plays well, or gets enough time, or doesnt get hurt, or is happy with his performance.  all of that general parenting angst.  that im sure dad felt for my boys as well.  that is something i know he enjoyed, but also shared in the "debrief" and stress of as well.  was he proud of them - absolutely always.  but he also wanted success for them.  as do we all.  so the "fun" is tempered a bit with the serious.

How pleasant it is for a father to sit at his child's board. It is like an aged man reclining under the shadow of an oak which he has planted. ~Walter Scott

for dad, slowpitch was that outlet for him.  even though lisa and i were competitive, pop had zero skin in that game.  and could just enjoy us playing a game he taught us - and shared his love for. and if hes anything like me (which i am coming to realize is the case more and more), the real joy comes in OBSERVING the things you gave to your kids that make them the people that they are.  their competitiveness, and reflexes, and attitude.  their intensity, and humor, and skill.  all of the little things that you helped them develop in all of those trips and practices and games that you HAD to take seriously.  they grew into a part of the amazing grown children that you now get to share your adulthood with.

i know my dad loved me.  the most :). but i guess what i am learning is that he also really liked me.  he was my friend and someone who truly enjoyed spending time with me.  not because he had to.  but because we got each other like that.  he helped make me the person i am.  and he got to be here long enough for us to enjoy being adults together.  i can only hope that i will be so lucky.

Everyone is the age of their heart. ~Guatemalan proverb

let teddy win

Baseball is an allegorical play about America, a poetic, complex, and subtle play of courage, fear, good luck, mistakes, patience about fate, and sober self-esteem. ~Saul Steinberg

its very interesting to me that we (my family) is known for lacrosse.  and clearly, the bayers are lax people.  but the quills are baseball people.  luckily my boys have a bit of both.  like with everything, its a spectrum, where jake played baseball the longest and has the most affinity for it, and josh cares the least, with luke an equal opportunity fan. interestingly tho, they all followed the Nats for my dad.  because HE was a huge fan.  super fan.  season ticket kind of fan.  starting way back when with the Senators.  he was SO absolutely excited when baseball returned to DC, thus creating a slight family division with the Orioles fans in the fam.  But everyone eventually embraced the Nationals because they brought such joy to Pop.

baseball was Pops sport.  and softball. you know what i mean tho.  the diamond played such an
integral part in all of our lives, for pretty much ever.  he played, he coached, he managed and passed all of that on to me, my sister, and my kids.  i cant tell you how many days and weekends were spent on the ballfield - we even roped kris into coaching a couple years.  dad passed his passion for the game on to countless of kids over the years, and his love for the game was evident always. even more so as a spectator.  he never missed a game - whether is was little league, all-stars, travel ball, co-ed or womens league softball. he was always there.  because he LOVED the game.  in all of its forms.  we loved to talk about strategy and lineups.  he could dissect every inning of every game, and would be happy to do so with anyone that wanted to.  everyone that knew him had more than one conversation about ball.  probably more than 100.

The charm of baseball is that, dull as it may be on the field, it is endlessly fascinating as a rehash. ~Jim Murray

when the boys quit playing baseball, it was a hard day in the quill household.  my mom STILL tells jake he should never have quit.  we managed both sports for a couple of seasons, but ultimately the boys moved to lax, and dad became a lax fan - he just never really understood the game.  he watched it for the boys.  but his love was still the diamond.  luckily for us, lisa and i got to spend tons of time with pop as we travelled for softball.  games and tournaments that i will never forget.  we shared so many monday and wednesday nights driving to st marys together, to drink a few beers and kibitz over ball.  if there was a game being played, dad was there.  im so grateful for all the years we got to do that.  to share that love for the game.  and im so happy he got to watch luke start playing.  he was there for his first ever slow-pitch game.  and i could just see how happy it made him to see my boy back on the field.

dad's passion for Washington baseball was one of the things that defined him.  not like his love for his family, but in the way that it was just always there.  9 times out of 10 when he dropped by, his first question would be "did you see the game last night?".  and proceed to break it down by pitch and

inning.  i love that one of the things mom and dad did together was buy season tickets.  its amazing that after all the years of sitting on ball fields watching us, in their retirement, they chose to go watch more ball.  that shared passion is what made the Nats finally winning the world series so amazing. and so bittersweet.  there are so many things dad is missing from a family perspective.  graduations and holidays.  those are so hard.  but we got so many WITH him.  this was something personal.  for him.  we are sorry he was not here to see it because HE would have loved it so so so much.  i think in a way that only those DC guys, that grew up with Senators, really understand.  it was a hometown win in every sense of the word for them.

I may never find the thing I seek, but maybe you will have caught the spirit of my dream. ~Muriel Strode

today is hard.  like so many other days.  but what i am grateful for today is the passion that dad passed down to us. for the game. and for his team.  im so happy he got to bond with Jake over baseball again, and that the family got back on the diamond because we know we would have wanted us to.  i honestly wasnt sure i would ever want to play again after i stopped a few years ago.  and i know dad missed it when we stopped.  but i know now that being out on the field isnt about winning or losing anymore.  its about sharing that experience with MY kids.  keeping his passion for the game alive.  and creating new memories for, and with, the boys.

i am glad the boys get to share lax with their dad.  the way they bond over it is amazing.  and i am so glad i had that same bond with my dad.  its even better that the boys got both.  i miss my dad. so much.  im grateful that each of my boys has a piece of  him. and that these shared moments make us all remember him the same way.  dad was a lot of things - funny, kind, generous being the easiest.  but most of all he loved us with everything in him.  and he shared his passion with us in the same way.  he was all in.  for his family, and his  team. there is no greater tribute to Pops love of the game
than the Nats bringing it home to DC.  teddy finally won.

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

the final graduation....

..the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. ~Walt Whitman

this is it.  the big one.  the final exclamation point on our 24 years of are we doing the right thing, every single day, journey.  sure Josh is off to college in the fall, which will of course still require our guidance.  but this is the very last time we wake up at 6:45 in a flat out panic - thinking "is he up?  is he going to be late?"  you know, the everyday stuff.

so at the end of this part of our story, i figured we would do the big reflection.  it starts with school choices, circa 1998, when i went on a crazy quest to find the "right" school for my kids.  and since none of our public schools - for some idiotic reason (called sight words) - were teaching phonics, i enrolled my boys in catholic school.  which i will never regret.  the school was awesome, the people amazing.  the religion, i struggled with to varying degrees over the years, but ultimately was the best education decision for my crew at the time. 

it of course led to our brushes with catholicism.  which we are no longer a part of.  the journey of faith has been a twisted one for me, and probably one of my largest struggles in regards to my 3rd kid - who clearly did not get the same exposure as the others.  who knows in the long run if that is good or bad?  he still is a kind-hearted, compassionate soul, so wherever or whatever god is, i have to believe She is ok with my choices :)

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

we have also travelled countless roads, and spent billions of hours (literally) on fields, driving to fields, sitting at fields, and planning how to coordinate juggling it all.  like most parents of athletic kids, we were weekend warriors for it seems like the better part of 15 years.  you cant wait for that insanity to be over, and then you miss it instantly when its gone.  my kids often laugh about how many vehicles ive had over the years.  and they are right.  but when you log the miles we do, the least you can do is try to keep yourself entertained on the trips :)  we all have countless stories about driving with sleeping kids, forgetting cleats & buying them somewhere in some unfamiliar state.  about hotel pool parties, sunburn, chafing & the tears that often accompanied those same trips.  hours of frustration, and fighting - interspersed with absolute JOY.

Why be anything other than good? Why do anything other than love? ~Johnathan Dahl

ive changed so much over these years.  as have my boys.  interestingly, my blogs have carried me through a good part of this story.  ive shared our ups and downs, and a bit of everything else as well.  its pretty fitting that i can sum up the whole shebang with them:

my biggest lesson #1:  be the sunshine.  you cant control ANYTHING in life except how you react to it.  are you kind?  do you approach challenges with grace?  are you putting out positive vibes?  do you try to lift others up?  these are the lessons of "be the sunshine".  i hope for all of us.  our gift in life is to have an impact on others.  you get to decide if that impact resonates, lifts others up, or instead stays contained.  spreading sunshine, sharing joy, is the very best thing we can try to do with every one of our days.  it is easy to be negative.  or sad.  it takes more work to try to find the good.  in yourself.  in others. in situations.  but if you can manage to do that, your life will not only be happier, it will be impactful, and full.

Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Andersen

we have all experienced great losses.  they shape our perspective and the people we become.  my evolution as a parent, as a person, has been reformed several times over.  be the sunshine started as a tribute to a young parent that left us too soon.  it became a mission when tiff died, to be honest and open about life. so that my kids could look back one day and understand their mom.  it turned into a reflection on lifes biggest moments.  it evolved as i did.  and im grateful everyday for the ability to share it.  and it led me to the biggest lesson #2:

strong is beautiful.  life is NOT easy.  its not sunshine and roses all the time.  but it is truly a gift that we get to live and share.  i think the first part of my parenting life was all about being introspective.  what is best for MY family, and me.  what do I want, for them and for myself.  it was my bubble and i nourished and protected it.  but as my boys grew, so did i.  and i realized that my bubble needed to expand.  yes, my boys were important - the MOST important.  but i have other gifts and other passions.  and it is okay to be more than just a mom.  embracing STRENGTH has been the best thing for me, and my boys.  not just physical, but emotional as well.  it has taught me to use my passion, and encourage the boys to do the same.  it has shown me that my gifts are not just for me.  sharing is caring, and all that :)

Good for the body is the work of the body, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau

all of my boys have had a different incarnation of their mom.  ive written about that a ton.  but today, i know that josh has seen the most authentic version.  the mom that cries, and breaks down.  the mom that sometimes falls under the weight of it all.  but he has also seen more determination.  what it takes to build a dream.  what it looks like to make time for people, to stop and smell the roses. or sit in the rain with your dad.  he understands what it means to appreciate people, and effort.  he sees everyday that to do hard things, you have to work hard for them. and that at the end of the day, everyday, all that matters is the people you love.  life is fickle.  we have to make the most of all of our time.  in whatever form that takes for you.

i have a lot of favorite quotes.  but this one is THE one for me. 
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou.  because sometimes we DONT know the whole story.  or have the whole picture.  growth is all about change. and evolution.  by biggest wish for josh, for all the seniors, and all of my people, is that they embrace the journey.  LEARN more.  be open-minded.  embrace new things, new ideas and new people. dont be afraid of change. the world needs love, and kindness, and big ideas.  it needs hard workers & big dreamers.  it needs warm hugs, and big laughs.  and people who are willing to get down in the trenches to fight for what they believe in.  it needs sunshine.  and strength.  the good thing is that we all have both of those inside of us already.  believe in yourself.  help others.  spread the good. 

much love to you all.

18. for the last time

Life is a long road on a short journey. ~James Lendall Basford 

life has a funny way of passing by while you are busy doing other things.  i would swear that it was just 5 minutes ago that i was running around like a chicken, chasing 3 young boys around.  constantly feeling exhausted and yet completely entertained.  years and years of travel ball schedules and juggling sports.  and one by one my boys outgrew the need for that constant attention.  they got drivers licenses and a bit of freedom, and slowly we seemed to no longer have that crazy constant madness.  and im sure i noticed it at the time - kind of.  but i didnt realize fully what it meant.

The years teach much which the days never knew. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

tomorrow is Josh's 18th.  my baby.  the last of my boys to pass thru to adulthood.  and while nothing will change specifically tomorrow - the moment brings with it a ton of reflection.  because parenting has transitioned for me from a full time job into a more consultative role.  and i never really expected that.  and definitely wasnt emotionally prepared for it.  not that Josh doesnt need me.  or the other boys for that matter.  but what they need FROM me is very different these days. 

my boys are all adults.  legally.  they have every right to just go be their own people.  without my input.  which is CA-RAZY. i mean, who doesnt need my input??  and this is where i start to realize that all the work i put in - all the daily lessons in right and wrong & manners & goal setting & following through - THIS is where it either worked, or it didnt.  and WOW is that a humbling, and scary feeling.

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings. ~William Hodding Carter

as i look back, i have to wonder if all the things i THOUGHT were important, were actually important.  did i focus on the right things?  did i fall short in places that are going to negatively impact them later in life?  which one of my kids is going to grow up vacuuming everyday because our house was always a mess?  which one will want to really learn to cook so their family will have good dinners together?  which one will adopt 3 dogs because they cant imagine not having a house full of dog hair?  but more importantly, will they all have the tools that they need to be successful.

not that i dont ALWAYS worry about that stuff.  but now it just seems more IMMINENT.  did i do a good job?  did we?  are my boys going to be concerned, participatory, thoughtful, respectful adults?  are they going to be compassionate, and kind to others.  did they learn those kinds of lessons, along with the brush your teeth, say please and thank you lessons?  who knows what they actually absorbed.  and now, its kind of too late to go back and try to change what i may not have done well. or even recognized.  are my kids happy?  i mean at the end of the day, isnt THAT the goal?  but we push them in so many directions when they are young that i'm not quite sure we tell them that.  just be happy.  in this crazy day and age, that is hard enough all by itself.

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~Madeleine L'Engle

i can say this.  not to brag.  but my kids are all pretty damn cool.  they are polite in the presence of adults.  they talk like truck drivers in my house, but that was not a hill i chose to die on.  much to the dismay of several relatives :).  its all of those small choices that i stew over.  did i push Jake too hard?  did i provide Luke all the opportunities he should have had?  did i check out on Josh?  i parented them all so differently.  which is a difficult acknowledgement.  i felt at the time that i was doing the same things for all of them.  but i wasnt.  i couldnt.  i stayed home for the majority of Jakes' life.  he was in middle school before i ever worked at all during the day.  and with that trickle down, i didnt work full time until he was in high school - but that meant that during all of those transition years, all the boys had different experiences.  they had different amounts of my time and attention.  and while the overall right and wrong stuff didnt change, what we focused on the daily certainly did. how much did that matter?

in the grand scheme of life, i think we did pretty good. i couldnt love my kids more or be more proud.  but more than that i LIKE them.  i like the adults that they are, and the men they are becoming.  for all of their quirks, they are all so uniquely, independently & definitively their own men.  and also the very best parts of me.  and their dad.  they got some of the bad things, and they are by no means perfect - but they are beautiful, incredible men.  with bright futures ahead of them.  and luckily for me, that means that as they need me less and less for the mundane things, my hope is that they will seek me out more and more as they start tackling this adventure on their own.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. ~Graham Greene

when they were little, i lived by the "i am not here to be your friend" philosophy.  parenting was a job, and one that i took very seriously.  and it is definitely still a job.  albeit a very different one.  but now, as adults, i do get to be their friend.  and that is the most amazing change.  my older kids call me for advice.  they call or text to chat.  they share stories about work and school.  and they ask me for help.  but they dont really need it. and we both know it.  i am evolving into an advisory role.  they dont need my permission anymore.  so i just have to hope and believe that everything we taught them over the years helps them to make the best choices that they can without having to ask.  i mean, i hope they still ask.  especially the one that still lives with me.  and i expect him to.  because he was raised to respect his momma.  and also because she can still be pretty scary :).

as in all things in life, we are all just doing the best that we can.  we all parent differently.  we all put priorities on different things.  we can only hope that at the end of the road, the choices we made were good ones, and that they were made with pure intentions, and an eye towards future happiness.  i know that my job is not done.  parenting is never done.  but it does seem like its a totally different animal now.  my kids dont ever HAVE to be with me.  they have to WANT to be.  thats the scary part.  are they going to still CHOOSE to spend time here.  i look at my mom and dad, whom i couldnt love any more if i tried.  and realize there were years that we didnt really make the time for them that we could have.  THAT is what scares me now.  when they get to choose to move away, will they? and that selfish part of me argues horribly with the part of me that raised strong independent men, who dont need their mommas to be grown ass people.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

i want them to be HAPPY.  wherever life leads them.  i just hope it doesnt lead them too terribly far away.  its probably time to start drinking wine.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim