organized chaos

In individuals, insanity is rare; but in groups, parties, nations and epochs, it is the rule. Friedrich Nietzsche

what i learned today, well re-learned today, is that i do not function well in a chaotic environment.....i definitely like a plan -and when you are travelling with a large group of people, that is just not possible.  in fact, its almost ridiculous to expect -but there you go...

so here i am, 3 kids, 3 different ages 3 different sets of friends and 14 different activities to choose from -spread over a mile of area, one of which involves crashing on ice.....this is just about the furthest thing from a "vacation" that i could imagine....BUT the kids are having a great time - and ultimately thats what its all about.

unfortunately for me, i just can't seem to get into the spirit of things....it just stresses me out, not knowing where everyone is - in general it would be a little stressful, but added to it is the whole SKIING thing - which is waaaay outside of my comfort zone - so the kids disappear and i keep staring out of the window watching for them to come down the mountain ..... which is INSANE!!  there are a zillion people - half on snowboards, half on skis - all going in different directions at different speeds - it's like i hold my breath WAITING for the crash - that rarely seems to happen!! THANKFULLY!!  but every time you see ski patrol dragging a stretcher down the hill, your heart stops for a minute until you catch sight of your kids again!!!  its CRAZY!!  and then i look around and EVERYONE else is laughing and relaxing...and i'm a tense MESS!!  SOOOO out of my element !!

ironically, this picture represents something i KNOW to be true....but somehow doesn't seem to make it any easier for me....it's hard to look at yourself, acknowledge a fault and STILL have a hard time changing!!  this one is a constant for me.....i dont mind when a plan CHANGES - i roll with the punches as well as the next person...but not actually HAVING a plan throws me completely OFF....its like my mind can not function properly without some kind of ORDER.....and its frustrating as hell....and unfortunately i see it so clearly in josh as well ..... his first question whenever we do ANYTHING is "so, what's the plan?".....no rolling along for that kid either!!

and as much as i am trying to be more positive and look at the bright side....that perspective doesnt help me be less STRESSED....i react to the stress more pleasantly - at least i hope i do - but i still cant relax about it....it was so funny today because when the kids all finally took a break from skiing, i went back to the room to "take a minute" and they all went to the pool (or so i thought)...and when my friend knocked on the door and asked why i was in the room, i of course told her i was a basket case....and she just looked at me and said in this hilarious sing-songy voice "be the sunshine"!!  the jackass :)  obviously i love my friends!!

but the point remains, that its definitely a work in progress!!  and while this will never go down as one of my favorite family activities, its still time we get to spend together (or at least have a common memory of).....and i guess if they suck up going to the beach for me, i can suck up coming to the freezing cold mountain for them!! 

"You may not always end up where you thought you were going, but you will always end up where you were meant to be."