commonality

things that bring us together as a family or a community are often sad.....i'm not sure why this is, other than that when things are going good, we dont seem to need each other as much maybe.  and i'm so sorry it takes hardship or tragedy for us to reach out....but i find it comforting that we can and do... in times of trouble it often does take a village.  we get together to pray, we bring food, cut grass, offer rides, babysit - all the things that are necessary when someone is suffering.....we go out of our way to show we care....when the reality is we always care....we just dont always show it.

its in times of trouble we put aside our differences and look for our common ground.....this is where COMMUNITY is grounded......The term community = a group of interacting people, living in some proximity (i.e., in space, time, or relationship) often in a social unit larger than a household that shares common values and has social cohesion.  it is a broad term for FELLOWSHIP or organized society.  isn't it this fellowship what unites us?  regardless of religious beliefs, or social status, or sexual orientation - all of the things that seem to DIVIDE us on a larger scale, seem to melt away within the COMMUNITY when dealing with hardship.

i wish this was a lesson we could illustrate on a grander scale - both nationally and globally.  after all, there are a ton of parents and children out there tonight who are praying for keegan....some know him well, some not at all -but everyone is united in their hope for his recovery.....as we all should be.  in this instance, keegan's well being IS our own - his family could be ours and we cant hear his story without feeling that clutch in our gut.  so we do the right thing, because that is what is called for! 

In every community, there is work to be done. In every nation, there are wounds to heal. In every heart, there is the power to do it.

Marianne Williamson

its time that we learn that lesson on a larger scale....we are facing both national and global issues that require this kind of community healing.  and the irony is that we have the technology to work on these issues on a grand scale, and yet all we hear are negative messages. its past time we tried to start putting aside petty differences for the greater good.  now i realize some differences arent petty - there are real arguments out there - serious disagreements and serious political and religious differences in the world - there is no denying that.  but at what cost are we clinging to these differences?  we dont have to agree on the issues, we just have to agree to disagree - and then move on without malice.  its the without malice part that's tough.

i wasnt going to go anywhere near some of these topics, but i figured why not?  thats the point of the exercise right?  so let's just consider one of our national hot buttons - pro-life/pro choice....probably not  a great place to start looking for common ground - but a good place to make the argument.  these are fairly black and white beliefs - you either believe you can kill people or you can't....well unless you are pro-life in an abortion sense but also believe in the death penalty....or believe in a just war.....i know people split hairs over the "unborn child" part of the killing - taking the life away from an "innocent", as opposed to a criminal - or god forbid,  someone fighting against our "best interests".....and then there is the pro-choice....its a bit more clear cut in that it really addresses personal autonomy....however it does cross over into the whole contraception/regulation field - can't someone be pro-choice but anti free contraception?  i dont know.....the point is that even tho the lines blur, this is an ABSOLUTE sticking point in our culture....it affects our COMMUNITY in every way - this argument is played out in churches and schools and governments on a regular basis - and always affects our elections. and i get it - people feel PASSIONATELY about this.....one way or the other - and they should - its an incredibly significant issue.  but it goes back to the WHY DOES SOMEONE HAVE TO BE RIGHT??

"And I have no doubt that every new example will succeed, as every past one has done, in shewing that religion & Govt will both exist in greater purity, the less they are mixed together." James Madison

just because christians believe that life begins at conception, doesn't mean that athiests do - and even though there are a lot more christians out there, that doesn't inherently make them RIGHT!  might does not necessarily mean right!!  and just because someone believes in a woman's right to choice, it doesnt mean they don't hold those same christian beliefs....it just seems to me that this is an issue that we have to agree to disagree on....there has to be a compromise - just because something is LEGAL doesn't mean you HAVE to do it....it just means you have the opportunity....legalizing abortion did not make anyone change their fundamental belief structure....and if you want to work within your community to educate people about WHY you FEEL abortion is wrong, or contraception is wrong, or the death penalty is wrong - then go for it!!  no one is stopping you.  just like no one is standing in your doctors office telling you we are over populated and you have to have an abortion.....for every person you meet who is chastized for choosing abortion, you meet another who is chastized for having too many children.  this is a NO WIN argument.....so WHY are we trying to make someone RIGHT??

The time is always right to do what is right.  ~Martin Luther King, Jr ... the hard part is deciding who gets to say WHAT IS RIGHT!!  these are issues where we need to follow our conscience - as individuals and as families.....and stop fighting about them.

its like going to war for religious reasons....just like someone is never going to come to our country and convince all of our many different religions that they are misguided.....neither are we going to do that elsewhere.....this is a deeply seated INDIVIDUAL relationship....and it cannot be governed or forced upon anyone.  it is always your right to SHARE information - to educate - spread all the good words you want....but you can not force someone to believe something - you may be able to train behavior - but you can not change a spirit - no one in this instance is RIGHT, either....we are just different.

"Government is not reason; it is not eloquence. It is force. And force, like fire, is a dangerous servant and a fearful master."  George Washington

SO, if we cant agree on these issues, how will we ever move beyond them?  no idea - if i did i'd be the king of the universe....however, i do know that we hold within our power, the ability to LOOK BEYOND these issues - agree to set them aside for the greater good.....stop trying to mold other people into who and what WE BELIEVE they should be, and just let them be themselves.....because if we dont make that  move now, before the bigger tragedies strike us nationally and globally - i'm afraid we may be too late.  i know thats a little dramatic, but i believe its true - that of course in no way makes me right :)  it is up to us, in our generation, to find the commonality within our country and our community.....use the gifts we've been given to bring people together, not shove them apart.  band together for the common good....i've learned that its okay to pray even tho you are not totally sure it works - that to me is what compromise is.....you cant make me pray, but you can ask me to and show me why i should.....there is no reason why we can not all live and love in the same space.

i stole this from Keegan's caring bridge site....it was written and quoted by one of his friends, and i love how these kids are pulling together....and finding inspiration:

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing

so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may ABOUND IN HOPE

Romans 15:13

blessings

                                 

“May your days be many and your troubles be few. May all God's blessings descend upon you. May peace be within you. May your heart be strong. May you find what you're seeking wherever you roam.”  irish blessing

i could post blessing after blessing, but i'll stop....however, the origin of the word and/or definition goes something like this:

"Praise, or blessing, for anyone comes from a mental attitude of love and appreciation for that person. God makes an initial move toward us because of His mental attitude of love. He provides us His graciousness, His gift of salvation, His spiritual gifts, all of which are manifestations of His love toward us. He thought "good words" toward us.

He has provided all blessings for us as an expression of His love. Our response of blessing or praise toward God, and toward others, is a response from a mental attitude of appreciation.
It means, literally, "to say good things or good words".

this is important for lots of reasons.....most specifically as it applies to me today, blessings are gifts - from God, or nature, or other people - they are things given to you and about you and for you that you are often unaware of.  everything about you and your life is a blessing in some way.  when someone says "count your blessings", its a reminder to be AWARE of what you have been given, and often take for granted.

there is a boy who plays for laplata lacrosse that suffered a bad injury over the weekend - a freakish fall that has left him sedated with brain swelling....without going into so much detail, this was the impetous i needed to actually get me back into a church.  whether i am sure or not about what i believe, i know this.....it can only help if i add my prayers to the many out there for keegan, and for tiff.  and the actual decision to attend was not as difficult as the decision about WHERE to attend....i'm sure you will be shocked to learn that i picked the church with the coffee :).  its crazy to me how ingrained some things are within us - because these services are so much different from the catholic services i know so well, i actually feel like i went to a class on religion more than an actual service - the ways different churches pray are so interesting to me.  so while i left this service with a lot of  food for thought- i still find myself feeling like i need to go say a prayer.....because for some reason i grew up feeling like prayers counted more when you said them at church.....and of course by that i mean the catholic church......the serious, non-fun church where you go to address SERIOUS matters.  im clearly partially insane.

JOHN 10:10
NIV:  The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.
NKJV:  The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.
NLT:  The thief’s purpose is to steal and kill and destroy. My purpose is to give them a rich and satisfying life. my point with that verse is this: depending on where you go to church, you will hear it differently - these are the most common translations in use today, and they all give the same basic message, but present it in a slightly altered form.  i'm a fan of this verse for many reasons, not the least of which is that it resonates.....it reminds us that you have to LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST.....be thankful for your gifts.....count your blessings...acknowledge that there are indeed negative forces, but we have been given the opportunity to live each day to THE FULL!!  so does it matter in which form i read it?  or in which place of worship i get the message?  just so long as i GET IT!!

blessings are a funny thing if you think about it.....there are the big blessings - like your life, your kids, your family, your health - those that you acknowledge and put in the big plus column of your life.  then there are those that fall into the "things you take for granted" column - like your abilities and talents and strengths - you feel like they are just a part of who you are, like your eye color.  but these are the blessings that we most need to be mindful of and appreciate.....they are often the day to day things that keep us motivated and happy......we dont usually wake up and say, i'm so happy to not feel sick today - we wake up and say, i cant wait to play softball tonight!! (maybe thats just me).....but without those blessings, i couldn't play softball, or go for a run.  i am SOO lucky that the gifts ive been given include the athleticism that makes me so happy - does that make any sense?  i often tell my kids when they complain about homework (which they always do) that they are so incredibly blessed (and yes, i've always used the word blessed here) that they have such amazing brains....that even tho they hate to do homework, they dont really struggle with it - and how frustrating that same homework is for kids who are not as lucky.....its a GIFT that they take for granted every day......just like running, until they get hurt, or being healthy until they get sick - its usually the LOSS of the gift that makes its presence noticable......and that's just sad.

i love this running poster.....its like a mantra i play over and over in my head when i run - because i really really really dont LIKE to run.....but i CAN!  and the fact that i can is a BLESSING.  i forgot that for a long time - when i was hurt in college (both times), i would have done anything to run.....in the moment that i no longer could, its all i wanted to do......but once i could  run again and the further away from that time i couldnt, the less and less it seemed like a gift.  the mind is a funny thing.....we think about those things IMMEDIATELY in front of us......so how can we do a better job of keeping it ALL up front where it belongs?  i have no idea.....but i'm trying :)

its the sum of all of the parts that get us whereever we are....the good, the bad and the ugly all contribute to what makes us who we are.....its what we DO with who we are that counts!  are we using our gifts in a way that benefits others?  do we pay it forward?  or do we horde it all inside?  i'm sure i do a bit of both - we all do.....but would we do a better job of sharing our gifts if we were more aware of them? probably!


A winner is someone who recognizes his God-given talents, works his tail off to develop them into skills, and uses these skills to accomplish his goals. Larry Bird

anybody out there (who's old enough) remember that scene from city slickers, when curly tells billy crystal to find his ONE THING?  and billy crystal searches the whole movie for what that means......when essentially that one thing is what makes YOU you.......its your passion, your purpose....your gift....your BLESSING!  and i think sometimes we lose sight of it - we think everyone can draw, or organize, or motivate, or throw like we can.....so we dont appreciate those things for the unique gifts that they are. 

i am grateful for the church service i went to today because it really was an opportunity to learn.....i love that you can take notes and really think about the message of the day....its seems i keep getting the reminders when i need them.....and if i still feel compelled to stop tomorrow and go light a candle, then that's cool too - because one of my many blessings is an inquisitive mind - and if God didnt want me to ask these kinds of questions or look for these answers, then He wouldn't have given me this crazy ass brain, right?

ok, just one more :

this and that

Hell isn't merely paved with good intentions; it's walled and roofed with them. Yes, and furnished too. Aldous Huxley

and so i officially dropped the ball on my blog last night....so the story goes, luke's game went into double overtime which made me late for josh's game and my lacrosse meeting - i was planning to blog from the road on the drive down to leonardtown, but lo and behold, i left my phone at home in my hurry to do the drop off/pick up routine....and then i just flat out went out.....it was friday night after all......and unlike some other occasions when i could blog when i got home, that just wasnt the case last night :) but i had a really good time :)

i spent some time trying to get organized yesterday, prior to all of the craziness....and realized that life is an unending series of fundraisers!!  which is interesting......why is it that no matter what kind of economy we seem to be having, there is always a NEED for fundraising......and where exactly does all of the money go?  i ask this because fundraising is such a huge part of the challenge in doing the avon breast cancer walk.  and it bothers me on a very basic level that all of this money is going for BREAST cancer research, when in fact there are so many other cancers out there which are just as scary, and in need of as much support.  its not that i dont support breast cancer research - but i just dont know why its not CANCER research.....and if i am going to raise 1800, id like my money to go to a broader fund.....not that i can do anything about that this year - and ultimately the reason lisa and i decided to do the walk was to honor aunt bobbie, who did in fact have breast cancer (among other things).....so that's where the money is going this year.....but next year, it's going to the "steel lillies" foundation......where we can make donations for research for ALL of the cancers that affect the ones we love - be it bone or soft tissue or bladder or ovarian or prostate or lung - there are just so many!!!  while breast cancer research is an amazing cause, i think there are enough people out there raising money for it without me.....so stay tuned for more info on our soon to be set up foundation!! because if i can make the time to start a travel baseball team or a youth lacrosse league, i can start a foundation, right???

its all about priorities.....and trying to do some good.  at the time both the baseball and lacrosse were worthy projects - they've helped a lot of kids and i'm happy to be a part of that.....but now its time to give back in a different way.....and maybe shed some light on those less talked about cancers.  when we were looking up the colors that are used to represent different cancers, i was amazed that there is actually a website about it......there are just SO MANY that we dont really hear about - like the sarcoma (which is yellow, by the way). 

its also about COPING..... i think that DOING SOMETHING makes you feel less POWERLESS when something like this happens.  it feels proactive and positive - which helps in the getting thru.....at least thats what im hoping. 

and people like to help......my usual fundraisers revolve around sports or school - and we've raised a pretty penny for both of those things over the years.....i've found that people like to contribute (or at least are willing) when its about something they care about.......i think that a big part of the reason that the breast cancer foundations are so successful - so many people have been touched by someone that has battled that disease......so really AWARENESS is the key......and we will see what we can do about raising some of that, too :)

“Thousands of candles can be lit from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” Buddha

forgiveness

“Sincere forgiveness isn't colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don't worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

This one is a tough one for me......i think for all of us.  even if we think we've moved on from something, a lingering feeling creeps up and reminds us that maybe we haven't quite REALLY forgiven the person who hurt us.  the thing is, i honestly try to be a good person - i love my family, am a good friend and generally try to do the "right thing".... i return wallets with money in them, and go back in to the store when i leave with water on the bottom of the cart......but i make mistakes....sometimes big ones...i've hurt people and been mean - sometimes incidentally, and sometimes on purpose....i'd like to think i've outgrown the "on purpose" part, but you never know.  its like clairee says in STEEL MAGNOLIAS - if you dont have anything nice to say, come sit by me :) - i'm joking (mostly) but you all know i love a good people watching session.....and for the most part feel like its harmless.....but what if its not??  you can't get away today from the issues of bullying - especially with young girls today.   what we think is harmless, maybe isn't.  we've all heard the boys will be boys and girls are catty cliches.....and it's true.  but it doesn't have to be.  not only do we have to start being nicer to one another, and the community and planet at large - but we also have to embrace FORGIVENESS.  and sometimes that's harder.  because to truly forgive someone who you feel has done wrong - whether to you specifically or someone you love or just someone you've heard about - you have to actually LET GO of the emotion their action evoked.  and emotions are what drive us.  and sometimes those actions are positive -like starting an anti-bullying club, or shedding light on an issue - but often those actions are negative...we badmouth the person responsible, and focus on WHAT THEY DID, without looking any deeper.  i don't believe many people are inherently BAD....they just make bad choices - sometimes for the right reasons - and sometimes just because. 

which leads me to joe paterno.....i was the first one to say that no matter what good he did for the school all those years, he should be shot for not taking care of those kids....harsh?  absolutely - because that's how i roll, especially before i have time to think....but in all honesty, joe paterno DID DO a ton of great things during his tenure at penn state.....he mentored many young men who went on to do great things - and by all accounts was a person of great personal responsibility.....who just made a really horribly bad choice.  he turned a blind eye to an awful situation - why?  to preserve a program? maybe.  or maybe he just couldnt believe someone he knew could actually do something so bad.....havent we all at one time or another chosen to ignore something about a friend or family member that we just couldnt believe could be true?  who knows what joe paterno thought or felt at the time the incident was reported.....we will never know.  what i do know is that faced with an internal battle with cancer and an external battle with the media, it was too much for him.  for a man who spent a lifetime on the field fighting for every yard, giving up the fight was probably the worst kind of punishment.  no, i dont agree that he was a hero.....nor do i believe he was a villian - i think he was human - and he made a mistake......wouldnt we all hope that if the situation was reversed,  we would be forgiven?  i think for joe it's important that he be remembered for both the good and the bad.....because that's what he would have wanted - to teach a final lesson....no one is always right....no one is perfect.....and no one gets to change the past.

"Now, with grown children grandkids and 42 years removed from my playing days, I thought Joe Paterno had taught me all that he could teach me. I was wrong," Pitman said. "Despite being pushed away from his beloved game, and under the extreme pressure of the events of the past few months, Joe's grace was startling." .....charles pittman, former PSU player

those who knew him, BELIEVED he was a good man - a great man.  how can those of us who never knew him judge him so much more harshly?  because we DIDN'T know him....  that's the power that comes with distance.  we are so much more forgiving of those we love - and joe paterno clearly has a ton of people who love him....and who knows, maybe THEY have the right perspective in this.  regardless, the best i think we can do is FORGIVE him for his weakness, and learn from it.....and then CELEBRATE all of the wonderful things he did as well.

why?  i guess it comes down to karma....would YOU want to be judged at your final moment on your ONE WORST decision??  i know i wouldnt.  i am so much more than ALL of my bad choices.....but we tend to remember the bad stuff - why is that?? when its so much better to remember the good!!  that doesnt mean we should all be excused from bad behavior - it just means we need to look at the bigger picture. 

“Between the radiant white of a clear conscience and the coal black of a conscience sullied by sin lie many shades of gray--where most of us live our lives. Not perfect but not beyond redemption.” ― Sherry L. Hoppe

i do believe that people can change....they can become stronger, or more enlightened, or just better than they once were.  thru circumstance or revelation, we are constantly changing.  for everyone who is struggling, or knows someone struggling with cancer, this is a living breathing thing.  you dont wake up the morning after your diagnosis as the same person you were the day before....it changes you.  it makes some people fight, and it makes some people give up.....it brings the crushing reality that life is not to be taken for granted - and that each day actually IS a gift.  and it brings reflection - it has to.  i remember so clearly talking to my aunt bobbie as she went thru it - and her reminding me to just try to always see the good....she's probably the biggest reason that i have the relationship with my mom that i do now - because seeing it thru HER eyes, made me let go of all of the petty grievances i had.  its only in forgiving, in moving on, that we can truly be happy.  in tiff (who came thru surgery like a champ, i might add), i see a woman who is embracing the closeness she has gained with her daughter, and the incredible relationships she has with her family - she is being STRONG for them, but also letting them be STRONG for her.....something i'm not sure she knew how to do before this.  and in kathy, i see an incredible OPTIMISM....and a simple daily plea for people to just be NICE (dammit) :)  witnessing all of their struggles makes me want to be a better person.....one who looks for the good in others.  and in life.  because at the end of the day, no matter what we might have done WRONG, we've also done something RIGHT!!  and we should be grateful for all of it - because its brought us exactly where we are today. 

and wasn't today GREAT!!

sometimes i'm just stupid

i think for the most part i'm well meaning....but sometimes i just dont think things all the way thru - or i think them to death....take your pick.  so here i am thinking i'm going to do this "good" thing by attempting a cleanse, right?  i mean i could use the break from food, and sure, can always prove something to myself.  my first clue should have been when my friend gary (yes, the same one) asked me WHY i was doing it, since i was eating pretty well anyway, and not really overweight or anything.....you know, the MENTAL challenge of it blah blah blah.....well, 3 days into this sucker i'm feeling decent - hate the lemonade, but not doing too bad overall - and then BAM.....i do the salt water flush, just because i havent really seen any "changes" (so to speak)....and thats the only part i havent done (its optional).....let me just say this: NOT A GOOD IDEA!!  unless you are trying to give yourself the symptoms of a stomach flu....if you ARE, then go for it.  to say i am not happy would be a big fat giant understatement.....and WHY???  so i can say i did it?  because apparently im not torturing myself enough with all of this soul searching and reading....i am officially reclaiming whats left of my toxins and throwing in the towel - well tomorrow morning, so i can at least say i did the "minimum" 3 days......next time i say im going to do something assinine, someone (lisa) call me and talk me off the ledge, please!!

Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives. Oscar Wilde

so in light of the fact that i made myself feel like dog poop ON PURPOSE, i'm thinking i'd rather go back to those physical tests.....after doing this, i'll take the workout and the french fries!!!  so i guess tomorrow id better get back on my P90x regime :)

and speaking of stupid.....i picked up the next book on my list at about the same time i started this cleanse - not a good combo either.....i had to look up 3 words ON THE FIRST PAGE!! i mean, really??  i'm pretty smart - an english major, well read.....if i have to look up 3 words on the first page of your book, who exactly is your AUDIENCE????  i understand that you have to write at your own level, and i'm opposed in general to dumbing things down, but SERIOUSLY?  and if you are going to pick obscure words to use, try not to pick ones they've used in a disney film:  because anytime i read the word lugubrious, all i can think of is PAIN calling Hades "your LUGUBRIOUSNESS"....i didnt know what it meant then either, but at least then it was FUNNY!!

so do i plow thru this book with my handy dandy dictionary sitting next to me (metaphorically speaking - you know i just use my phone.....) or just move to the next one?  i'm gonna plow thru it - or at least most of it - because i am stubborn and hardheaded.  and apparently the lesson i'm learning right at this very moment is i'm not as smart as i think i am....

but what i am is LUCKY....and HAPPY....and GRATEFUL - that i can learn my lessons, even though i shouldnt have to over and over again....and that aside from a self inflicted stomach bug, i'm healthy and strong.....and i have a fantastic family, who never picks ANYTHING UP for themselves, but are all still awfully cute :)

and most of all i am all of those things because tiff came thru her surgery as well as can be expected....and even tho she has a long fight in front of her, she is staying positive and focusing on what she DOES have going for her.....how can i do any less??  welcome to my emotional roller coaster - i hope you brought seat belts!!!

so this one is for TIFF.....who inadvertently knocked some sense into me.....its okay to focus INWARD...occasionally - but not to obsess!!  its more important to look OUTWARD - and spread some joy or love or fun.....try to make each day a little bit better for those around you....because that will be the best thing you can do for yourself.....you know the old "think globally, act locally" - its okay to conceptualize all you want....but its better to take some small actions......bring about what you think about  :) 

i will ponder this tomorrow morning....over a big fat steaming yummy cup of coffee!!

Life's a journey, not a destination.  ~Aerosmith

commander in chief

i'm not saying that i dont think president obama  is a great guy....i do.  i think he ran on the very inspiring principles of teamwork, and taking care of each other, and optimism......and i think we needed that message after all of the gloom and doom preceding him.  but i also loved george w.  i think he handled 9/11 about as well as any one man could have, and for a  time united the country.  it's not that ANY of these men are "bad".....its that they fall victim to the system.  i honestly believe that obama BELIEVES in all of the sunshine and light he preaches.....who wouldnt'?  we all want everyone on earth to be happy, and employed and have enough money and be educated and have access to healthcare......these things are not at issue - what is at issue is HOW we go about achieving those ends......and just because president obama WANTS them to happen, doesn't really mean anything at all.  its not an indictment of HIM as a person at all.  as a matter of fact i cant imagine ANYONE having the balls to run for office anymore - for any reason.  especially THAT one....if you farted in 4th grade, someone is going to bring it up.....its ridiculous - and it really doesnt matter in the long run.....because its not your beliefs or what you did in high school or how many times youve been married that matter....its CAN YOU GET THE JOB DONE??  and with all of the division in our country, its going to take a MASTER to get it done....a master WHAT i have no idea.....manipulator maybe :)  how do you get a group of people who can agree about ANYTHING, to come to terms on EVERYTHING??

all of this political RHETORIC just fuels the fire of discontent....the democrats hit a hot button and get everyone upset about healthcare or how much money the rich people make......and then the republicans get on their moral high horse and anti-abortion and no gay marriage us to death......its a NO-WIN situation for the majority of the population....its no wonder no one knows what the hell is going on.....

luke had to make a hat for his government class - he picked "commander in chief".....its ironic to me that commander in chief still elicits the old military images.....i think that in order for the president to be a real commander in chief, he needs to be able to LEAD people in PEACE and war.....i want someone who is going to be HONEST....about the problems and the solutions.....and i just dont know if that person is out there......who is strong enough to put aside PERSONAL interest for the greater good???  i havent seen anyone like that in my lifetime - at least not running for office.  we have forgotten the art of compromise.....and that doesnt always mean i give a little and you give a little - sometimes it means i give IN this time....and hope you give in next time.....you cant split everything neatly in half so that everyone is happy.....and we need leaders who can put their individual interests aside and see the big picture.

“Sometimes I wonder if we shall ever grow up in our politics and say definite things which mean something, or whether we shall always go on using generalities to which everyone can subscribe, and which mean very little.” Eleanor Roosevelt

now i know i sound negative......i'm not really - ok, well not TOTALLY....i do believe that we live in an amazing country that was founded on freedom....i just wonder why so much of that freedom is regulated within an inch of its life....and why the information we seem to receive is always skewed by perspective.  silly case in point....i'm flipping thru channels and see larry the cable guy's new show "only in america".....and ironically tonight it was about the meat and dairy industry (i cant seem to escape it)....so larry is visiting the largest dairy farm in wisconsin - and showing how they artificially inseminate these cows to keep them lactating.....73,000 cows are milked 3x per day at just that ONE place.....which begs the question of WHY we have to keep cows pregnant and confined so that we can drink the milk they produce for their own offspring - which they never feed???  UGH, right?  this can't be considered ANYTHING other than abuse......all so we can have milk in our cereal and cheese on our sandwiches????  now in defense of the industry, im sure at one point these big "farms" employed a lot of people and supported the local economies - which in turn gave them clout and influenced decion makers....but now, they still wield the same clout, yet are mostly automated and are producing few jobs, and a product that is arguably contributing  to our country's healthcare dilemma.....see this is MY perspective.....on this ONE THING.....i'm sure someone else who watched it would go "cool, more ben and jerrys".....larry the cable guy certainly took no issue with any of it....and i'm guessing he's a man who likes his cheese!  now should i just go VOTE for the only guy i can find out there who thinks vegetarianism is the way to go?? what if he's an idiot?  what if he is going to trample all of my other rights?  do i still vote for him?  how important is my ONE issue??  THIS is what i think happens day after day in our political system.....we are so focused on the ONE issue in front of us on any particular day, that its impossible to see the bigger picture....

you can spout all the rhetoric you want, but at the end of the day its what you DO that matters....or don't do.....sometimes its both...... :) 

i survived day 2 of my cleanse - not happily, but satisfied...and without eating

what i learned :   i really am not STARVING everyday at 11 ... i just like to eat then......and i am NOT GOOD at following directions....especially when they involve food

i fed my kids cookies and mozzarella sticks because their dad isnt home and i didnt have to cook.....so they love me

what i learned :  i'm just as full of bs as anyone .... maybe more so, because i know it was a horrible thing to feed them and i did it anyway.....but they were happy.

so CLEARLY i am not qualified to be PRESIDENT.... or maybe i AM....who knows.....whichever, its obvious i still have some work to do before my actions meet my words....but BOY, did those COOKIES look GOOD!!

Life isn't like a box of chocolates . it's more like a jar of jalapenos.
What you do today, might burn your butt tomorrow.  larry the cable guy

tough enough?

so we have a whole lot of interesting things happening right now....most are small - last day of the grading period for one, minor stomach bug for two - but one is major....tiff's surgery is tomorrow and as always when something like this comes up, it leads to some reflection.  being the crazy  person that i am, i decided that today was the perfect day to kick off my 10 day master cleanse.....because, why not right???  i'm having this strange compulsion to TEST myself in some way, and clearly right now that is NOT going to be with any physical exercise....which is USUALLY how i push my  limits.  to go along with all of this MENTAL exercise, i thought this might be a good time to try something completely different.  by now you know my take on food, and originally i was going to try to follow the CLEAN cleanse.....its much more "food" friendly - and includes a lot of fruit/veggie juicing and one meal a day - the downside is that you have to do it for like 21 days and its VERY labor intensive.....i bought some of the foods you need for it and made my way thru 2 of the juice/smoothies.....and realized i just wouldnt go thru the HASSLE of making myself something with a million ingredients 3x a day....so it was destined for failure before it started.....

i did a little more reading, and then called my go-to for crazy ass ideas....kris' college roommate and my old partner in crime, gary....we actually have the same tattoo, but that's a whole nother story :)  i would say that gary is one of those people  who i can call if i ever need someone to unequivocally say YES ABSOLUTELY DO IT....to pretty much anything!!  he's also a writer, and an athlete, and a freaky health guy.....so i knew he'd done cleanses in the past.....he recommended, after telling me i was crazy to do this at all, the master cleanse ONLY because its so EASY.....3 ingredients.....i can DO THAT...no thinking.  the hard part about doing a cleanse like this is that you have to be MENTALLY TOUGH.....nothing solid for 10 days....and NO CAFFEINE.....just an assload of this lemonade mixture.  the theory behind any cleanse is that our bodies accumulate TOXINS from the environment and the horrible food we consume.....we then become addicted to all those crappy things and our bodies not only dont function properly, but they CRAVE these bad things.....i'm oversimplifying of course, but the end result of the cleanse is to have flushed the toxins from your body so that it RESETS itself and starts functioning on the proper level again......and hopefully you feed it better things.  there is a whole movement out there that FORKS OVER KNIVES is bringing to the forefront (i hope) whereby people are being educated about the fact that DIET affects EVERYTHING.....poor nutrition is a contributing factor to most major diseases and the crisis of healthcare in our country.  its just one more example in a long line recently that have persuaded me to not only stick to my vegetarian lifestyle, but also to do better at getting back to WHOLE foods.....AND to make more of an effort to get the boys to understand WHY i am making these choices.  another can of worms.

A man can live and be healthy without killing animals for food; therefore, if he eats meat, he participates in taking animal life merely for the sake of his appetite.  Leo Tolstoy

how can i in all good conscience REJECT our fast food, overprocessed, nasty ass western diet for MYSELF, and yet feed it to my kids?????  herein lies the RUB.....i can say all day long that its bad to eat fast food, but when its 6pm and i'm still not home and the kids are hungry after practice, of course im gonna ORDER PIZZA.....hello.  we literally eat more pizza than anyone else ON EARTH!!  why?  because its easy.....its yummy....and somehow i feel like its not as bad for them as mcdonalds.....i have no basis for this fact other than its not mechanically separated meat, and it makes me feel better about eating out.  but the struggle is still the same......i was the  poster child for doritoes and coke before PRACTICE growing up....if its any kind of processed potato product that you can slap some fake flavor on, then its for ME!!  and its all so yummy that i hate telling my kids they cant have it.....because that makes me a hypocrite AND a crazy mom.  i used to make fun of my friends who didnt keep "junk" in their house, because all their kids ran to my junk drawer when they came over....removing the 'junk" doesnt make it any less desirable - it just makes it harder to get.  and usually all the more desirable for not being available, right??  like any other thing we aren't allowed to have.

so my job now as i see it, is to attempt to EDUCATE them about WHY i am choosing to eat the way i do and to offer them healthier options.  but i'm not enforcing my diet on them.....i'm not even enforcing it on myself all the time :)  maybe 15 years from now i will look back and wish i had made them all vegetarians......but right now i just cant do it.  what i can do is put out more salad and less boxed food with dinner.  and try to prepare better meals.  and show them that you can still enjoy food, even if its not smothered in fake cheese.  at least thats my plan.  its HILARIOUS to me that my blog is about FOOD today.....again, not what i was planning....but hey, i havent eaten all day, so of course i'm going to be obsessing right now!!  kris used to always make fun of me because i could talk about FOOD all day....i loved it....you could say i was passionate even.....and i still do absolutely love it - i probably would have licked the screen tonight when the dominoes cheesy bread commercial came on for the 20th time, but my laptop is plugged in and it was too late by the time i got up!!  what i have come to realize over the last little while though, is that food for me is an addiction.....maybe not a hardcore one, but it definitely something i have an unhealthy relationship with.  i spend ridiculous amounts of time and energy thinking planning and actually eating every day!!  it paralyzes me sometimes....i cant think past it.....and that cant be good for me or anyone else.  so i'm going to attempt to come to grips with it.....finally.  it should be interesting at the very least.....so see if i can actually make it all 10 days, and more importantly, to see if i can do it without ripping someone's head off.  food shouldn't control me - i should control it.....yes food can be delicious and it can add an element to any gathering or event....but at its most basic level FOOD IS FUEL for our body.  and we need to get back to treating it like that.....or at least make an attempt.

One should eat to live, not live to eat. Moliere

this is where i am today....hopefully i will find something else to blog about during this week and not the cheese curls im sure i will be dreaming about tonight.  in my mind, this is an internal battle that i need to win.....to get some perspective on my relationship with food, if nothing else.....and also maybe in some small way to empathize with those who are going thru things much tougher than this.....it seems to be the least i can do.

a social commentary

like most of the people i know, i spent the majority of the day today watching football....or in my case kind of watching football, and kind of reading, with a little work and laundry thrown in.  i also spent about 45 minutes with my pop talking over the republican primary, and the current pitiful state of our government.....which is always fun for me, but also very frustrating.  even someone like my dad, whose opinion and intelligence i respect, cant look at the "big picture" because of how our system works......as a retired person, his future is tied primarily to social security.....with the hit everyone has taken in their retirement funds, most retired people can't afford to live without their social security income....so no matter where he might stand on other issues, he has to vote for whomever is going to continue funding for social security......and who can blame him???  its a large catch 22 for our system right now....whatever ONE overriding concern you have, is the way you vote....and then you just keep your fingers crossed that whoever is promising you whatever it is you need, does what they say.....now you know i could go on for days about my OPINIONS of this current race - but i won't....at least not today.  but i find it utterly fascinating that EVERYONE knows by now who is going to the SUPERBOWL, but more than half the people i know have no idea who is still in the primary race.....i think they should start doing a political show on ESPN, or doing a TOP 10 things you need to know that will actually affect your FUTURE on SportsCenter!  By tomorrow morning, every young person will have read a tweet or fb post about the kicker who choked for the ravens, and the punt returner that choked for the 49ers.....but i bet none of them will have read about mitt romney's plan for the economy or newts foreign policy or rick santorums social agenda....OR give a shit that cumulatively the candidates have spent 47 MILLION DOLLARS on basically attack ads to discredit each other....when one of them will have to actually RUN FOR PRESIDENT!!  i dont know whether its the obscene amount of money wasted when my dad is worried about the future of social security....or the fact that they are spending that money making each other LOOK BAD, so no one will have ANY confidence in whoever actually gets the nomination.....its just so STUPID!!!

 

Don't measure yourself by what you have accomplished, but by what you should have accomplished with your ability. John Wooden

do you know what i find HORRIFYING.....that the number one thing "TRENDING" on twitter right now is "i'm going to the EM EFFING SUPERBOWL".....awesome!!  we are so seriously screwed up....and the funniest part is i'm a huge sports FAN!!  i love the games, i love the hype, i love to watch ....i love love love it....but not to the iconic level that it's been raised to.  its a GAME!!  these are just physically gifted people whose job is to compete, yes....but basically its ENTERTAINMENT!!  Billy Cundiff is going to come under more scrutiny for MISSING  a FIELD GOAL than newt gingrich for ETHICS VIOLATIONS!!  aren't we SMARTER than this????  i'd like to think so....

josh's latest craze is movie making....every day he dresses up in some form of camoflauge and goes outside in the woods to shoot nerf war videos.....its super interesting to watch.....he has a plot and actors and props....the whole 9.  it cracks me up....but i love that he is expressing his creativity in a new way....i find it impressive because it shows follow thru....and commitment - something i hope he continues to have throughout his life....because i think that so many kids today spend so much time in front of a different version of "reality".....not only are there movies, and tv, but phones and online gaming - we can literally spend every second of everyday watching or participating in activities in a completely "virtual" space.  and because that virtual space seems real...it creates a disconnect to what IS actually happening.  its a weird thought, but relationships are only "real" if they are "facebook official"....and what is happening right now is only significant if it "trends" on twitter.....i feel like i live on MARS!  at least Josh's alternate reality is one that he is CREATING.....so he knows its not real!!  which is going to be an important lesson at some point in his life, i'm sure.  and at the very least he is learning how to blend into his surroundings :)

do i have a point to all of this today?  not really....more of an observation.  if we live in the here and now, moment to moment, then the fact that the kicker choked during a football game IS more significant than the upcoming political election....at least at the time it happens.  and since we live in a society DEFINED by its IMPATIENCE, what is happening RIGHT NOW is all that really matters.......a primary on Jan 31....too far off - not to mention an actual election in NOVEMBER!!  the world could end by then, right???  does it matter that our kids spend 70 million hours with their faces stuck in little electronic boxes that "trend" their reality???  i just dont know what the answers are....or even if there ARE any answers.....so i guess rather than obsess about it, i'll just go on appreciating Josh's creativity in whatever form it takes....and hoping someone gets their head out of their ass long enough to make sure my dad keeps his social security!!  because the only reality that actually exists is for each one of us is the one we believe in at the moment.....

Patience and perseverance have a magical effect before which difficulties disappear and obstacles vanish.  ~John Quincy Adams

ONE CAN ONLY HOPE :)

friends

so tonight was a party for my friends 40th.....funny because its the first blog where i have clearly been out before writing....so please bear with me.  i just want to say that i am so lucky to have such a great group of people that i have something in common with.  softball is not just my hobby, its my community.  the wonderful guy who's birthday we celebrated was one of the guys we met thru softball...years ago.  and i truly love him.  we have made such good friends thru this sport that i am so appreciative of......its easy to get caught up in all the responsibility of our adult lives.....but somehow we have managed to keep this fun connection...sports unite us....and keep us together.

i wont make this long....i'm actually lucky i can still type...my only point it that history unites us...as we danced to bad 80's go-go music, i remembered how much i loved the music and the times that we shared.  our common experience make us share something that we can always look to that brings us together.  i love that!!!  its just one more thing i can honestly say i am lucky to have.  and i truly do love softball....even when i bitch about it.  so thankful for this moment today :)

Ago Gratius Diem

or THANK THE DAY....i read an article this morning that i found really interesting about a mother being upset about the whole "carpe diem" mentality.  ironically a subject i've touched on in my own way....so it got me to thinking....parenting is the most satisfying thing in the world, but also the most frustrating.  and while its important that we all take the time to experience each day - to "live in the moment" as it were - it's also important to remember that we're not perfect, and that pretending everything is okay doesnt mean that it is....the author's point was that her days are LONG and tiring -she gets short-tempered and her 3 young kids make her crazy - that doesn't mean she doesnt love or appreciate them....and we've ALL been there.  appreciating the life you've been given doesn't mean that every moment will be sunshine and light.....its just means that you are taking each moment for what its worth - not ignoring it or wishing it gone.....just being a PART of it.....if that means crying, or yelling -then hey, that's what you need to do.....but don't walk around in a fog....don't MISS it.....because THAT is how life passes you by.  one day it will be funny that you left your screaming toddler laying down in the deli section of the grocery store just to make a point (yes, i did that)....at the time i wanted to CRY, or rip my hair out....probably both - but now i can look back on it and smile....yup, josh was stubborn even then.....we all have story after story about how our kids/husbands/families/pets/jobs have challenged us.....that's a giant part of our life.....and all a part of our personal growing process and what ultimately shapes us into the people we are.  how we deal with adversity is just as important as how we celebrate success - the successes seem more fun, but i guarantee the lessons you learn come more from the adversity. 

clearly some challenges are bigger than others....its how we choose to look at them that makes them bearable or overwhelming. i could tell you that i sleep like absolute crap because i have a pinched nerve AND my two dogs sleep with me, one of whom is bigger than me.....i have moments where it drives me insane that cooper sleeps with me- i can't move blah blah blah.....and then i have moments like last night, where it absolutely cracks me up that i am forced to sleep on a sliver of my bed so that my DOG is comfortable....i mean come on!!  if you look closely at that picture you can see that i'm squooshed on the other side and cooper is on his BACK sprawled out.....it cant be anything BUT funny!  and obviously thats not real adversity....its just annoying.....just like having a toddler screaming in the check out line isnt horrible - its just annoying.....but if enough annoying things are happening at the same time, then life seems pretty hard.  the one thing we all have that is absolutely OURS is our PERSPECTIVE.....one of the things that took me the longest to learn was that EVERYONE looks at the exact same thing and sees something DIFFERENT.....everything we see is colored by the eyes that are looking at it......

Nothing's beautiful from every point of view. HORACE

it used to make me crazy when someone who i knew that didn't work, or didn't have kids, or who didn't run a youth league, or teach classes, or was room mom would say "i'm just so busy".....because all i could think was "YOU are NOT busy".....i knew that because I WAS busy....and unless you were doing all the things i was doing, you couldn't possibly be busy....which is RIDICULOUS!!  of course they were busy....we are ALL BUSY....we are just busy doing different things....everyone feels STRESS and PRESSURE on their OWN TERMS!!  its not up to you or me to define BUSY....because busy is just a feeling....like stress - there is no list of things that qualify or not qualify.....and everyone is ENTITLED to their feelings.....its not up to anyone else to tell you how to feel or think or act.....but i'm hoping with a little perspective we can all be a little more tolerant of each other......maybe i was the only judgmental ass out there, or maybe its just that i always felt so overwhelmed that i didn't think anyone else could possibly understand.....the irony is that probably EVERYONE i knew with 3 young kids felt the same way.....but we all pretended like things were great.....and so instead of commiserating and helping each other, we all helped contribute to each other feeling like crap....awesome!!  so i TOTALLY understand what the mom who wrote the article is saying. BUT, i have now turned into one of the people who says "enjoy this, it goes by in an instant".....there has to be a happy medium - and for me it goes back to honesty and appreciation.  THANK the DAY.....be grateful for all that it offers, both good and bad....its okay to be pissy about the bad....just be glad you are here to be pissed!  does that make any sense at all??

you know by now that i'm reading like 4 different things at all times....i'm still reading hardcore zen, which is very cool, but will definitely take some getting used to....its very VERY different from anything else i'm reading and the (in oversimplistic terms) theory of "oneness", where i am you and you are me and nothing exists without everything else kind of thinking is fascinating as a contrast to all of this "perspective".  because i can only FEEL overwhelmed or busy or tired or scared if i know what it is to NOT feel those things!!  take a second and think about it....  we are always always always looking outside of ourselves in order to figure out what things mean.....when we should be looking INSIDE....it doesnt matter if your friend can juggle 16 things at once and be perfectly calm and always look great and be happy happy happy.....good for her - if you compare yourself to her, you will always feel frustrated or inadequate.....but if you accept that YOU can only do 2 things at once, and like to yell, and always look like a giant mess then you too can be happy happy happy :) its all in the way YOU look at it!!  happiness truly does come from within.....and no one can make you accept it.  for YEARS i have had friends tell me i need to meditate - i'm always going a thousand miles an hour and my mind needs to rest....which i believed to be total BS....and as long as i believed that, it would never work - because what i believe to be true, is true for me.  what i can tell you is that for the last few days i have taken my timer and made myself sit on a pillow for 10 minutes.....is that meditating...NOPE....but it IS quiet - and its peaceful - and its giving me a minute of quiet that i am carrying with me.....i have no idea why but i AM calmer....and seem to be handling things a bit better.....maybe its just that now i am more open to the idea - or maybe that indeed like everything else, you have to train your mind to relax.....i know i've never tried that before......but hey, why not?  it cant hurt - and can only help me be less of a spaz.

Relaxation is the prerequisite
for that inner expansion that allows a person
to express the source of inspiration and joy within. - deepak chopra

i'm finally realizing that i can't do it all....and that i dont have to.  i'm doing my best, or at least trying.  and even when i'm not, that's still ok.  i'm not perfect, nor am i trying to be.  i'm just ME.  and i think that's the best revelation so far.  i watched 7 days in utopia tonight....i'd been hearing things about it and seen the book, so i figured why not.  it's a good story with a great lesson....you have to let go of the baggage that you carry around that drags you down - so that you can fulfill your purpose....its a bit more christian themed than that, but it still works....we all carry the weight of expectation and judgement - and until we can stop worrying about what OTHER people want for us or expect of us, then how can we truly know what it is WE are looking for or what we can accomplish.....ok, you get the point - or as much of a point as i'm trying to make!! 

keep it all in perspective......if you are at least trying to see the bigger picture in your everyday, then you can bring a little sunshine to yourself and to everyone around you.

that's my shirt for my race :)  and my daily reminder....

THANK THE DAY :)

steel magnolias

so its been kind of a rough one today....we got some news about kris' sister who had a very difficult battle with sarcoma last year.....at her last scan things were clear so the family has been on an upswing.....she's been having more pain, and they found out today she has another tumor.....clearly NOT the good news we were hoping for.  its such a paralyzing feeling not being able to do anything...even worse for kris because we are so far away.  trying to put into words anything coherent is probably not a great idea, but i'll try.  because this is one of those experiences we all have in common, from some perspective.  i have such deep respect and admiration for those people who are battling disease.....it takes constant strength and an inner fortitude to fight that fight every day.  its hard to watch those closest to them try to stay strong and positive - and just keep going thru their days.....supporting their loved one and often their kids.....it truly does take a village when someone you love is sick - and we are so lucky that we have one.

how do you comfort someone when nothing makes sense?  for anyone?  how is it fair that all of these YOUNG moms are struggling with cancer?  or anyone else for that matter.  it just seems worse somehow when you have to figure out what to say to the kids when their mom goes into the hospital AGAIN.....i know that is the worse part right this second for tiff and jim.....of course they worry for tiff, but ultimately it always comes down to the kids.....where do you begin to try to help them understand something that doesnt make sense? when you dont understand it yourself...it's of course the most sincere argument ever made for faith, right?  we have to have faith that everything will be fine.....that these things happen for a reason, and that God has a plan......HE doesnt give us more than we can handle....all of those things you hear and say when someone is sick, because THERE IS NO EXPLANATION!!  bad things happen to good people every day....and it just doesn't make sense.  so you have to stop looking for it to....stop trying to explain it....there is no explanation....it just IS.  and now it has to be lived with, dealt with and overcome.

If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm.  - Mahatma Gandhi

so thats what we have to start doing.....today....right now.  you just keep going...moving forward....doing whatever you can to get through - to help and support and just be there however you can.  i think one of the hardest things is the WAITING.....waiting for word of whats next.....with cautious optimism or outright dread....its the waiting that keeps you up at night, and drags thru your day.....you have this constant push/pull of emotions - convincing yourself everything will be fine, trusting the medicine, having faith vs. worry, and anxiety and questioning the course of treatment.....and this is all FROM THE OUTSIDE!  i have only ever experienced INJURY....which sucks, but you know has a positive outcome....you WILL heal....maybe not to your previous condition or ability, and its a battle to "get back"....but you KNOW you will be okay.....and even then its easy to get MIRED in the negatives - the "why me's", and the "what ifs".....how do you stay positive thru a challenge like this?  what other choice do you have??

 

If children have the ability to ignore all odds and percentages, then maybe we can all learn from them.  When you think about it, what other choice is there but to hope?  We have two options, medically and emotionally:  give up, or fight like hell.  ~Lance Armstrong

i know that "fight like hell" is the only option.....its what we do....as individuals and as a family.  i DO have faith that everything will be okay.....i know that no matter what, tiff will keep fighting the fight and beating this back - but i also know it wont be easy.....the good news is we dont need EASY, just possible!!

as im sitting at home watching one of my all time favorite movies tonight (yes, Steel Magnolias), i'm amazed again how all the lessons are sitting right in front of me.....i love that movie because A) it has the best one-liners of any chic flic EVER and B) it's sad, but also uplifting....it reinforces the bonds of family and friendship and reminds us that yes, BAD THINGS DO HAPPEN, but life goes on.....its a constant cycle - filled with struggle, but also with JOY.  sometimes its a lot harder to see the JOY, but it IS there - we just need to SEE it. tiff beat this back once before....so we know she can do it again.  she has an amazing family to support her, and the best reasons of all to fight!!

as for me, its just one more sign hitting me over the head to BE GRATEFUL.....there will always be something that attempts to drag me down.....work will be crappy, or the kids will fight, or traffic will blow, or my back will hurt, or lacrosse will make me want to rip my hair out.....but that's ALL OKAY.....everything is OKAY because i'm lucky to be here.....right now....and right now is all i know i've got!  i'm doing my best to send positive vibes out into the universe and happy thoughts tiffs way.....i'll embrace my 10 minutes of quiet each day, and send a prayer out there too - because ANYTHING and everything i can do that's GOOD and POSITIVE can only help, right?  and if any of you have any extra vibes or prayers that you can shoot tiff's way, i know we all appreciate it. 

Some days there won't be a song in your heart. Sing anyway. Emory Austin

the more things change....

its funny how you can see yourself sitting in the same place doing the same thing year after year....or maybe that's just me. anyway, its funny because i think we all think, next week, next month, next year i'll finally get whatever it is i'm looking for, when in reality it's ALREADY next week or month or year.  TIME is the one constant we all have in common....and it just keeps right on going, whether we are paying attention or not.  i need to start paying more attention!  it seems like i whenever i'm looking ahead, i invariably look back first....and realize that RIGHT NOW was a time i was looking forward to once.  its all so fluid, and it moves so quickly.  TODAY was a day i was looking forward to not so long ago, just like tomorrow will be. 

food for thought:

TODAY IS THE TOMORROW YOU WORRIED ABOUT YESTERDAY 

crazy, right??  we spend so much time looking in either direction, that we dont stop to think about NOW!! and NOW is really all we know for certain we have!!  its like when you are in high school and you CANT WAIT to leave....its going to be sooo much better somewhere else....anywhere else!  and maybe it is, for a time.  but at some point you realize that most places are really just the same....its YOU thats different.  a new place means new opportunities and new people - some im sure you take advantage of and some you don't....but its the CHANGE itself that we are looking for.  it's like we all carry a little piece of Ghandi...."be the change you most want to see in the world" :) - of course i'm guessing he meant that on a more existential level, but the point works for all of us.  we can want things to be better, and think that they will be better WHEN - again fill in your blank.....but the WHEN and IF is already happening....its just passing us by!

i know you've all heard someone older than you say, you just dont realize how quickly time passes .... but its true....even the longest of days you've ever had, seem like they went by in a blink once they are gone.  i snapped my fingers and my kid is DRIVING....i'm afraid if i close my eyes he'll be off to college.  its just that fast.  we spend the first half of our lives waiting for something, ANYTHING to happen....and the second half looking backward and wishing we had enjoyed it more.  the only thing we can do is be PRESENT....every day.....because once its gone, its gone - hopefully you have a picture to remind you.....

i had to go looking for something on our old computer tonight and realized that i can categorize my life by the stages of technology we used....and its so relevant to how we live.  back when you had to actually take a picture with FILM, you had to have the patience to use the whole roll and hope the pictures turned out....then you had to drive to the store, DROP off the film and wait for like weeks to get your pictures back!!  but that seemed to be the tempo of life...and i lived in a constant state of ANXIETY for what was next....i couldnt WAIT...for my film, for my pictures, for my LIFE....just HURRY UP already was all i could think.....then we got a digital camera that we downloaded to our computer....we started saving pictures to a big chunky machine that was hidden in my bedroom.....but i could put my pictures there and start making things, but really i still had to go to the store to buy special ink and paper, and it was just so INCONVENIENT and i was just so busy.....this is what i personally refer to as my "forgotten" period....i cant find ANYTHING that pertained to my life during this period - but i'm assuming its all on that same giant magic box in my bedroom :) ..... then came the PDA period.....and of course laptops - so i carried my pictures everywhere but never printed them ever again.....if you want to see what was going on then, you'll have to figure out where the plug is to my ZIRE :)  it's at this point life took the turn from HURRY UP, to HOLD UP......i realized i was literally running from moment to moment and that i couldnt remember from one minute to the next what was going on....unless i looked it up on my pda or laptop......THEN of course came the blackberry - ah the blackberry....my first true technology love!!  but i spent so much time with my FACE IN IT, that i missed half of what was going on around me....i think this is when i started to realize the curse of technology.....fast forward to iphones and ipads, never being allowed to be inaccessible and i've finally entered the JUST SLOW DOWN ALREADY phase.  but nowhere, during any of those phases was i ever in an "AHHH, HOW GREAT IS THIS" place.....and thats just so sad.  thats not to say i didnt have great times or dont have great memories...i do, without a doubt.  i was so lucky to spend so much of the time when my kids were little with them....but i was always ALWAYS in a hurry.  and i realized i dont want to spend the next 40 years looking back wishing i had taken more time to EXPERIENCE each moment.  because i'm never getting them back.

“‎"Live with intention. Walk to the edge. Listen Hard. Practice wellness. PLay with abondon. Laugh. Choose with no regrets. Appreciate your friends. Continue to learn. Do what you love. Live as if this is all there is”
― Dr. Seuss

 

my sister the animal lover bought me a great little book several years ago that i read, but wasnt ready for....that i absolutely appreciate now.....its called "guardians of being" and its by eckhart tolle, but illustrated by the mutts guy ...it says "it's so wonderful to watch an animal, because an animal has no opinion about itself. IT IS.....the dog has no self-image, good or bad, so he has no need to play roles, nor does he love himself or hate himself.  he has no self" which allows him to be free of that burden. "we have forgotten what animals still know.  we have forgotten how to be- to be still, to be ourselves, to be where life is:  HERE AND NOW".

i'm just now realizing that being busy every single second of the day doesnt validate me....it just makes me crazy.  i'm allowed to sit on the couch and read a book, or pet my dog or watch a movie with my kids....or just do nothing.  as long as i experience the moment and take it for what it is.  i dont want to spend the rest of my life racing from one thing to the next, only to realize that i never knew where i was racing TO.  its the NOW that counts....every minute, every day.  every day i waste wishing for it to be different TOMORROW, is a day i'll never get back.....i can still plan for my tomorrows, as long as i am present for my todays!!

"one today is worth two tomorrows" - benjamin franklin