a toast

the last big thing i want to touch on before i start on the daily "reckoning" so to speak, is relationships.  i would say without hesitation that i am absolutely blessed in my relationships, all the way around.....i have an amazing family from my grandparents down to my boys and everyone in between.  we have our share of nuts, but who doesn't?  my husbands family is great, and extensive and i am truly lucky all the way around, in that regard.  my mom and i have had our rough patches, but i feel we are both at a place that we are making a real effort to be friends, and respect each others differences - that's a biggie for both of us, but again i feel like once you suffer a loss of a close family member as we did last year with aunt bobbie, it makes you really appreciate your family.

i can honestly say that i would be lost with my sisters.....both of whom i love dearly.  my oldest sister and i have had more of a rocky relationship over the years - and she will tell you that she hated me when we were younger :)  i am 6 years younger and was a plague all throughout her teens and early 20s.  again, we have grown to love and respect each other as we have struggled with parenthood, marriage and work, and all of the the things that make being a grown up a challenge.  she is an amazing mother, and i can honestly say that i could not deal with what she does with half of her grace.  my middle sister is my rock.  she is not only my best pal, but she is my closest confidant. we have been friends our whole lives and i love her more than i can say.  it also helps that she is the most competitive person on earth and that we can still play together....and i absolutely LOVE playing softball and soccer with her.  i hope we will still be doing that for many years to come...if our knees, backs and arms hold out :)  then there's my pop....i couldn't have asked for a better dad.....there's really no expounding on that, except to say that there has never been a time when i didn't know for absolute certain that i could call my dad...no matter what - and i am so lucky that i get to see him every day.  i won't ramble on about kb and the boys much here, because I'm sure you will get tired of hearing about them eventually - but suffice it to say, kris and i have been together for 20 years - he's the best dad in the world and my very best friend.  my boys just flat out rock....in all the ways they are so different, and yet a mish mosh of the same characteristics......everyday one of them does something to crack me up.....and i love it.

case in point - josh today, with a nerf gun that he spray painted BLACK...so it would look more authentic in his online movie.....only my kid!  (and yes colleen thats my pic of the day...i'm practicing)

the challenge for me, is being a better friend......i think because i know i have always had my family and kb to fall back on, i only extend myself so far.  that's not to say i don't value my friendships - i absolutely do....but i think i can and should be a better friend.  i have 3 "best friends" that have been around more that half my life - colleen and jackie form high school, and kirsten from college... they are totally awesome and completely different.  they are my best friends because i never see or talk to them (haha)!!  you know what i mean - they are the friends that i can call in the middle of the night if i need them, but don't talk on a regular basis.....they "knew me when" and still love me - craziness and all.....and because i know i don't need to talk to them to maintain the bond we have, i don't.   which is crazy - i love them....they are all exceptionally smart and incredible women who have helped me so much thru the years.....they make me feel better, they make me laugh, and i don't make an effort to talk to them nearly enough.  i really really really need to make more of an effort there, and i'm going to (and yes, jackie your necklace has been ordered)!!

i could run you a list of all of the incredible women i consider friends from the time since i became a mom.....they are too numerous to count and for that i am truly grateful....but for each "season" of my life, my closer friendships have changed....i know this is normal - my moms group that i shared so much with when the boys were little, was comprised of moms with mostly girls - as our kids grew apart, so did we. then there are the school moms and the sports moms who we spent countless weekends with (and still do on occasion)....but again, every time we changed schools or switched sports or i took on a new job, i seemed to let those relationships falter.....not that i didn't value them, but i didn't make the time to keep them intact.  i regret that i wasn't a better friend to so many of those ladies....many of whom went thru divorces, or loss, or challenge and i wasn't as supportive as i should have been.  i know that we all have our own support system - and mine is obviously my family...but that doesn't mean we don't cherish those friends who go out of their way to make us feel special......and in that way, i feel like in a lot of cases i've dropped the ball.

that's not to say I'm a horrible person....i AM super fun :)  and i really do try to be a good friend....i just get busy, like everyone, with my own stuff - and forget to take a look outside of myself....that's what this year is about for me.....trying to take a moment to think beyond myself....living with intention to me means that i have to think and act purposefully.....i have to make the time for the people and things that are important to me. and so, as i sit here drinking my giant glass of pink champagne....i am sending a toast out to all of you wonderful women..... i appreciate your friendship - i appreciate all that you have added to my life - and i will be in touch.....

happy new year!

"for me"

so ironically enough today's background post was going to be about fitness and health - another biggie for me about which i will write many many times i'm sure - and i just happened to read my friend's Facebook post....."omg just went to the dr and i weigh 105!! i haven't weighed more than 100 lbs since 9th grade" - to which i (and I'm sure everyone else we know) went OH PLEASE!!!  or more accurately in my case - oh for fucks sake, seriously???? and then i  immediately started to laugh at myself because i knew that i was going to title todays post "for me"......i'm sure paula is fairly suicidal over those ridiculous 6 lbs because FOR HER it makes her feel somehow worse about herself.  i have waged a big battle with myself over the last several years to remember that every time i say something silly like "i am so heavy" or  "i'm ridiculously out of shape"- what i really mean, is that FOR ME those things are true, but to my audience i sound like i'm just looking for a compliment of some kind - or i'm an ass....one or the other.  so its funny that today of all days, paula (who's is the most petite woman on planet earth) complained about her weight, which to most of the rest of the population sounds anorexic.  for me, its a cool segue about how i came to be in my next rut....that of fitness.

i have always been active, athletic and competitive - and for the majority of my adult life, i have prided myself on being STRONG - not skinny, not really heavy - but always strong....throughout all of my weight fluctuations, all of my pregnancies and subsequent rebound diets, i have for the most part maintained that image of  myself.  i have a hate/hate relationship with running, but a love/love relationship with working out that started in college and for the most part never wavered. exercise has been an outlet, a challenge, a source of income, and a regimen throughout my entire adult life.  i am certified to teach spin, body pump, any kind of group exercise class, and most recently as a NASM certified personal trainer.  i am passionate about exercise, love sharing it with my friends and classes, and have encouraged my boys to incorporate it in their lives as early as possible.  to me, there are no down sides to fitness....except one - if you stop, it's really really really hard to start again.  which has happened to me several times - mostly surrounding pregnancy, but a couple of times when work seemed to overtake my life.  i just happen to be going thru one of those now.....so here's the dilemma (or big fat rationalization, you pick):

8 POUNDS....i can eat whatever i want, not exercise and basically act like a giant slug and weigh about 8 lbs more than i do when i am a fitness nut.  my clothes still fit (not as well) and i just get a whole lot mushier around the middle, which is awfully easy to hide, especially in work clothes :)  .... to lose this 8 lbs and get back to my "fighting weight", i basically eat nothing but green things (I'm a vegetarian -which i will get into more later) and fruit, and i exercise like a fiend - often more than once a day.   usually just the fact that i like to work out keeps me in check.  i also enjoy looking better than i currently do....and here's the big BUT, i just can't seem to give a flying fuck at the moment.  and that makes me CRAZY.

it all started with yet another job change....i have found myself in the position over the last 3 years where i basically drive for a living....when i was doing this part time, i still had plenty of time to get to the gym and was teaching regularly.  last year, i experienced the loss of 3 very different people - all in very different circumstances, but all of which really started to hammer home the "you only live once/life is short" mentality......my word of the year (which you will hear more about at a later date) was "fun", as a direct result of my need to embrace the opportunities to do things that i usually put off.   so here i am, trying to embrace the "fun" in my life, when i am faced (like so many others) with the need to seriously go to work....you see, i would say while i have ALWAYS had a job, and usually more than one at a time, i would consider myself a stay at home mom that dabbled at work.  my friends were the morning workout moms at the gym, not the after work ones.  last year that all changed....along with the fact that "my gym" - the gym i have worked at, worked out at, and loved for 10 years - closed its doors, i went to work "full time".  i became the after work workout chic for the first time ever - and i gotta say i just don't like it.  i made a decent attempt for the first few months to keep it going, but seriously lost my juice.  for the first time in a really long time, i just can't seem to find my workout groove.  so now my 8 lbs aren't so much a choice, but a WEIGHT thats holding me down.  and given my family history - I'm sure that 8 lbs will very easily turn into 15....so the buck needs to stop....before i look up and realize i'm jabba the hut.

so what to do?  clearly this is not the first time over the course of this year i have struggled with this....but i really thought if anything would have made me get off my ass, turning 40 would have done it .....and yet that milestone came and went this year and still, no mojo.  i bagged on the tough mudder, which i can honestly say i have never done before....ever.  i just didn't train, so i didn't go.  what the hell is wrong with me???  and how do i get it back?  i know in some ways i need to let myself off the hook- there is only so much time in the day, and i am definitely not the kind of girl that can get up at 6am to workout - tried it and failed miserably.  but i also need to remember the second part of the lesson from last year......i don't HAVE TO exercise - obviously.  but i do GET TO.  i get to run, and play softball with my friends.  i get to play soccer and football on the beach.  i get to show my kids that exercise is a GIFT, that not everyone gets, and not everyone accepts.  but I DO!  i just need to remember to stop looking at it as a chore, and embrace it!

to go one step further, I'm also going to address the whole food thing.  now food is also something i have a love/love relationship with.  i will literally knock you down for a bowl of chips and dip...its not pretty.  if i utter the words "I'm losing my window" to my husband - he knows that i better eat in the next few minutes or all hell will break loose.  i'm every kind of food addict you can imagine - i have sugar issues, caffeine dependency - i'm consume way too many carbs and i drink too much.  i seriously went to my dr a few years back (over those same 8 lbs) thinking i had a thyroid problem - no matter how much i work out i just can't seem to lose the weight....we went over my diet- and he looked at me and said "you are lucky you don't weigh 400 pounds"....now get out of my office, you crazy ass.

i also have migraines and stomach issues, but then again so do all the women in my family, so i was never really concerned - for me it was all weight related.....until i started to have chronic stomachaches.....thats when i headed back to the bookstore (isn't that where YOU go when you have stomachaches??). i read up on all the "diets" - gluten free/dairy free/carb free/paleo....you know what they are.  i stumbled upon what i consider to be a life changer....EAT to LIVE.  it was a revelation for me in terms of food.  i followed it, i felt better - and consequently looked better than i had in forever.  and then the siren song of french fries threw my off the bus of good eating :)....i'm weak willed with food.  HOWEVER, i learned that there was a good way to eat - i changed my lifestyle and prepared better food for my family - we went all whole grain, no boxed food, etc and it was great - until i stopped.  now about that time i also read "the kind diet" -which if you really should read if you WANT to be a vegetarian.  EAT to LIVE lays out the medical and health reasons why a plant based diet is best for you, but the KIND DIET makes you never want to eat meat again....its a good combo.  i can barely buy chicken for my kids (but i do- thats a whole nother story). so what i know is this - you can eat crappy on any kind of eating plan - believe me.....the only way i will ever totally eat healthy is if we go thru some kind of POTATO FAMINE and i just cant get any.  aside from that, it will be a constant battle, but i do need to do better.  basically i've just let it all slide this year....apparently turning 40 meant to me that i could take the year off...

since my scale broke, i will probably say my 8 lbs are probably closer to 12 right now.  so in addition to my  spiritual quest, i'm going to try to find out how i lost my fitness mojo and get it back...because i miss it....really miss it. and while i'm whining i miss my gym.  and my gym friends. and my workout group.  running SUCKS! but i will continue to do it until i find my "gym" again.....and when i cross the finish line on march 18th at the shamrock half marathon, someone better have a beer and big basket of french fries waiting for me!!!

a dog with a bone

before the big "quest" begins on on the 1st, i thought it would be helpful to put some of the background on the site....for those of you who read this and know me, it will come as no surprise - but for anyone who doesn't, it might help to get a sense of where i'm starting, so that where i end up will hopefully be easier to understand.

so, let's start with faith....as you can see from the picture, this is not something that obsess about in any way - or you could say i'm like a dog with a bone about it.....after finishing the blog last night, i went up into my room and pulled all 8 of these books out from under my bed (which is where i hide my books, mostly).  it took all of 5 minutes to realize that this is a subject i continually revisit in many forms - and these don't include the books that i have downloaded or loaned out (including the one that started it all about 12 years ago - the idiots guide to catholicism), or shoved in the attic (where my second stash of books resides).

if i'm going to do this, i'm going to try to be as honest about it as possible....so i guess i have to start with the whole non-catholic thing....which started for me when i had jake.  i was raised catholic - but as we like to call it, mostly as a cafeteria catholic - i received my sacraments but went to church on easter and christmas - and not at all once i hit college.  when jake was born (very shortly after college), i was not married (ahem) and honestly wasn't too concerned with having him baptized - or at least baptized catholic.  i had a family friend that was a lutheran minister and was just going to go that route because it was easier.  both my parents and kris' were not big fans of that decision and as we talked it over, we figured that the TRADITION of catholicism was important to our families and we would go see the priest at our local church.....at that time we were living in arlington, and our parish was devout and mostly hispanic - and the priest flat out refused to baptize jake due to my unmarried status and lack of weekly devotion....this of course caused the normal flood of outrage that i am capable of, and ended with a nasty scene along the lines of you are going to penalize my CHILD for my choices, blah blah blah....needless to say jake was not baptized at that time.

fast forward 5 years....i now have a 5 year old and a 3 year old attending lutheran preschool and am happy as a clam....they are getting their "jesus loves me" message and all is well....until kindergarten approaches....preface here with the english major status and somewhat snooty ivy league degree.....and i find out that our public schools are going thru a phase where they are teaching our kids to read BY SIGHT and MEMORIZATION - UGH!!  the lutheran school has 6 total kids per grade and the public school is not going to work for me....so i set out on yet another mission to find the "right" school for jake.  i go to every elementary and private school in the county and very reluctantly come to the conclusion that the best place academically for jake is at the local CATHOLIC school - at which point i personally feel like  God is mocking me (in my true overly dramatic fashion)

with this decision, i have to go to my local parish (where i was confirmed) and lay out my long drama filled story to our priest - whom i've never laid eyes on before ....awesome! to my complete surprise, i LOVED him - he was totally accepting of our situation (and believe me i was brutally honest about my reasons for both rejoining the parish and attending the school) - and embraced our family.....as a matter of fact we set the record for the most sacraments ever performed by him on one day, when he baptized the boys, took our confession, administered communion and then MARRIED us - fun filled day for all. 

at this point, i now feel like Father Matt has extended himself to me and i want to make sure that i can reinforce what my kids will be learning at school, as well as show some faith in his faith, if that makes sense.  so we begin to attend church regularly, and become a part of that community....it's at that time that i began to study catholicism .... WHY do we do the things we do?  WHY is it the "only" true religion?  WHY aren't women ordained? these questions go on and on....and so i bought " the idiots guide to catholicism" as a jump off point - i didn't want my answers to my kids to be "because thats just the way it is", when often the answers didn't make sense to me. in my own obsessive way, i needed more information so that i would feel like i was making the right choices, both for the boys and for me.  i will go into detail ad nauseum about catholicism at a later date - suffice it to say - i was gathering information and doing my best to embrace the religion, all the while completely irritated most sundays by my perceived negative message and constant anti-abortion monologue....now i know i happened to attend a church with a fire and brimstone deacon, so my experience here differs greatly from a great number of my catholic friends, but it was my experience - and as with most young kids, mine hated it...and it became a battle every sunday morning to get 3 young boys to mass....but we did it - for a long time.

fast forward to 6th grade.....for the most part, we have been regular church goers, and very involved in the catholic school.  its at this time, my education issues rear their ugly head, and after much angst and debate, we decide to leave our school and put the boys into public school.  to summarize, i have a VERY negative experience with the monsignor regarding curriculum and leave it there.  but now i have kids that are facing first holy communion and confirmation and have to start attending sunday school - which we have clearly never done....again long story short to which i am totally at fault -but we missed the first 2 weeks after summer break.  and again long story short, after fulfilling his 7 million hours and classes, jake missed 2 other classes and we were told he couldn't miss any more or he couldn't be confirmed....now i know I'm a pain in the ass, but i think its ridiculous that confirmation class is a 2 year deal - and i know we live in a selfish me me me society, but when faced with the question of do i want to be confirmed in my church, or continue to play travel baseball on the team i've been on since inception, my 13 year old definitely chose the latter - and who could blame him....at which point another very nasty scene took place with the lady running the program and the before mentioned deacon....and the rest is history - we have not darkened the door of the catholic church since.....

this does not mean i became a heathen overnight - and i will say that we have had some very entertaining and enlightening church experiences since - my kids favorite would have to be when we attended an easter service at another local church (where they served coffee and donuts, i might add - and people sang and talked and appeared to enjoy it - go figure) - and then i ran into the glass window that looked like a door on our way out - i would say that is definitely the boys favorite church.  but again, dog with a bone over here could not reconcile the die hard catholic with the more evangelical "do you accept jesus" approach....and that soon also fell by the wayside.

over the course of all of these years, i have had reason to explore a lot of different religions....none of which every felt like they truly "fit".....i had a friend convert to judaism (which was cool and educational), and became very good friends with a youth minister in another local church - and each instance i would wade in a bit, and then pull back when i hit the "barrier" of whatever it was that i disagreed with, or couldn't wrap my brain around.

to go back to my stupid cliches (which I'm sure will be a theme) - i always left whatever phase i was in thinking "why can't we all just get along".....why does someone have to be right? isn't everyone right??  isn't that what faith is?? believing in something that you can't prove?  well if you can't prove it, then you don't get to be "right"!!  see my problem?  i refuse to believe that if you don't accept jesus as your lord and savior that you are going to hell....im sure every jewish, buddhist and muslim person out there would strongly disagree.  and who am i, or you, or your priest or pastor to claim otherwise??  its a quandary for me....because i want to have faith - i want my kids to have faith - but i don't want to judge or be judged.  if you do the best that you can to be a good person, why isn't that enough?  maybe that makes me shallow, but i don't want my kids to do the right things because they will go to hell if they don't  - i want them to do the right thing because  their conscience tells them its right and they feel good about themselves for it.... i don't want them to judge someone for a choice they might make, or a love they might feel that isn't "approved" by their church.....if there is a GOD, i believe that he loves us all, with all of our imperfections, and just wants us to do our best......where is that religion???

on the flip side, in recent years i have met so many wonderful people who LOVE their religion and their faith.....they are comforted by it and strengthened by it - and i greedily also want THAT for my boys....so here i am, wishing i could just let it alone already and just believe in whatever i want....but somehow that seems too easy.  of course, when i started thinking about doing this i sat down with my boys - and bored them to death with all of these questions and ideas.....and i remembered that back in high school, i first heard the term "deism"- and for the most part in its most simplistic terms, that suited me best all thru that time period (and could possibly be where i end up - who knows) - deists believe in a larger power that created the universe - but then left mankind with freewill - with no interference.....interestingly simple...maybe too simple, but maybe not.

that's my faith challenge in a nutshell....should be interesting to see where it goes from here....

AS AN ASIDE:  i also feel i should end blog #2 with an apology for my lack of capitalization and my spelling of the word "thru" - both of which irritate my son and husband to no end - and both of which they commented on at the crack ass of dawn this morning.  and neither of which i will be changing :)

where to start

well this is the first time i've sat down to write since college....so it's been quite awhile.   this first post is all about how and why this blog came to be, so essentially the motivation behind it....and also where i'm hoping it will go.  so in a roundabout timeliney kind of way, here goes:

today i attended the funeral of a beautiful woman.  i did not know her as well as i would have liked, but she was married to one of my husbands best friends, so we've been long term "acquaintances" for about 17  years.  she lost a courageous battle to cancer, and is survived by her husband and 3 young children.  she allowed her friends and family to follow her progress over the last 3 years on a caring bridge website, which was both inspiring and devastating....she was 39.

whenever any of us go thru a loss, reflection is natural i think....but today for some reason, the message that laura left her children resonated with me on so many levels. added to that are several other amazingly courageous women in my life that have faced adversity and reacted triumphantly....these women and circumstances all led me to a place on my 8 hour drive home today that are the motivation behind this new found need to share.

there is colleen - my best friend from high school who had a tumor removed from her spine.....she was always the most determined woman i knew, but she grew thru her challenge to be stronger of faith - from her i learned that i need to live each day, month, year with INTENTION....her creativity and and the amazing pictures that she brings to life are a gift to her family - and i'm stealing her ideas :)

next are my aunt bobbie, my sister in law tiff and girlfriend kathy - all of whom battled or are still battling cancer - my aunt lost her fight, but kathy and tiff are healthy and strong today.....they all fought the fight - and showed how the bonds of family and friendship can never be taken for granted.

then there is kathi - another friend who lost a loved one in a profoundly difficult way.....she found a purpose in yoga and meditation, as well as strength in her faith.  she is a constant inspiration as someone who is completely in touch with herself, and strives to live a good, helpful and fun life....she has found a peace within herself that i admire so much....so, i am going to finally break down (i hope) and use this blog as a way to reflect - since we both know i will never be able to meditate!

lastly in terms of influence, i would have to mention my boys.....it has always been my goal in life to be a great mom - and in most ways and on most days i feel i've done a good job.  i have 3 amazing boys (at least i think so).  here's where my crazy starts to emerge:  when my kids were little, the best thing i could give them was time...so we played together and made things - as they grew i made sure they knew we loved them, that they got a good education and were exposed to religion, played lots of sports and made good choices - the basics in my most simplest terms.....here's the funny part - as they became teenagers, i defaulted into using movie cliches as my parental crutch (yes, i know....crazy) examples:  the speech in footloose from the pulpit (you know you know it), where john lithgow asks his congregation how they can expect their children to be trustworthy if they never trust them - that's a biggy for me - every time one of the boys asked if they could do something for the first time i gave them a lecture on choices and let them go.  which led to the next stupid movie cliche- from freaky friday (the new one with jamie lee curtis)....where she completely embarrasses her daughter by yelling out of her car door "MAKE GOOD CHOICES, HONEY" - yeah, i do that...its fun and has the side effect that my kids are used to me embarrassing them....and then most recently from the blind side (and yes, i do the hideous southern accent) "its YOUR life, it's YOUR choice" followed very closely by "but i will not wear that hideous orange - its not in my color wheel" .....  you  begin to see, that i'm just a tad off center - but it's worked so far (and i'm alway open for suggestions if anyone has bad movie quotes i can use) ......from my kids i have learned that i NEVER can STOP learning - which has brought on this new quest.

what is the new quest?  here comes the purpose of the blog: to search out my faith, document my journey, and share it with those who are interested in where it leads.  for what i have learned so far from all of these individual encounters is that faith, in whatever form it takes for you, is the greatest strength and the greatest comfort out there.  religion has long been a source of angst for me - which i could write about for days....in a nutshell, i would say if asked under duress (which i have been recently) that i would define myself as "non-catholic".....that's not a great descriptor for any kind of faith.  i have a very hard time reconciling my religion with my brain, and the dogma of organized religions as they seem so UNaccepting of other views and opinions.  i have had many many many debates on this subject with my catholic priests, my catholic friends, my evangelical friends, my protestant friends and my atheist sister....i LOVE theology.... in theory - in practice, not so much.  so it creates a huge internal conflict, which in turn trickles down to my feeling like i am not being a good mom by raising by boys in an "organized" traditional faith.  its the catholic guilt, and it never goes away :)  but all of the amazing people i have mentioned here, have all led me to this place....right now, where i feel like i need to take it a step further.

so, for colleen, kathy, aunt bobbie, tiff, kathi, my boys and all of the other incredible people that have affected me so greatly, and especially laura, who inspired me so much today with these simple words she left to her children...

"every day, be the sunshine in someone else's life"  

each day of 2012 i will be blogging my quest: 

 for faith - in both religious terms and in my own life (laura)

for peace - that comes with daily reflection (kathi)

for strength - in purpose and in body (kathy/tiff)

for intention - so that i may choose the path i take and embrace it

for colleen, who knows me best, i will just say this - i am going to attempt not only to blog this year, but also to "picture a day it".....so that she can share my year and teach me to scrap when its over - because what i'm hoping also to learn this year is devotion.