inappropriate language

****this post will definitely offend you if you dont like bad words....there's my warning :) ******

probably the one thing that may not come thru in my blog (or it may) but that all of my friends know is that i have a mouth like a truck driver.....i'm not sure EXACTLY when it happened, as i've never been the squeakiest of clean with my language, but when the kids were little i was definitely a "whisperer" of bad words.....and no F bombs.....(you can stop laughing now)...

i remember starting down the slippery slope when i worked at captain billys- which is where i learned to cultivate my sense of humor about all walks of life, as well as my affinity for gutter talk.....career waitresses put truck drivers to shame....

where am i going with this?  well, i have a mother in law who doesn't like the word "suck"....and she has a daughter in law who doesn't even consider that in the FAMILY of bad words.....its an interesting situation....now growing up, my parents didn't really cuss in front of us - we had an all girl household, and aside from the occasional "shit" or "damn", id say my parents did an outstanding job of keeping it clean.....what makes that so funny is that when my husband started riding to work with my father, the first thing he said to me was "holy shit, your dad cusses like a sailor"....so apparently it had taken some real effort to reign it in for his daughters....

I, on the other hand, live in an ALL MALE household....and somehow it just doesn't seem as important that we dont say cuss words.....i've always been a giant fan of KNOWING YOUR AUDIENCE (hence the warning above) - its fine to talk to your friends one way, as long as you treat adults with respect, etc....and my kids know when they cross the line because they hear "I AM NOT ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS...." - but still i would say the bayers have a fairly course bantering style - and it makes kris INSANE - you know, the guy who was raised with the mom that doesnt even say sucks.....i'm sure in this one way at least, he thinks i am a failure as a parent....but there you have it.....

i also happen to think cuss words are funny - i am obsessed with the rude e-cards.....i send them to my sister all the time...and occasionally my older kids (that's the bad parent part, right there)....but seriously....HILARIOUS!! this one is rude and horrible and awful and i peed myself laughing when i saw it.... i find when i am having a bad moment, these cards either say EXACTLY what i am thinking, or just crack me up.....either way its a good thing....and either way it is COMPLETELY INAPPROPRIATE for a mother of 3.....

my 3 favorite sayings....jackass (which is actually an endearment), for fucks sake (which my husband stole) and when i am REALLY perturbed - you've got to be fuckin blowin me (now that's SUPER NICE)....i should really be SHOT!!  my dad always used to say that cuss words made you sound unintelligent - and showed a lack of vocabulary....and i'm sure he is right - but i not only have a lovely vocabulary, i'm fairly smart as well - so i think what cuss wordsACTUALLY  make you sound is ANGRY or MEAN....both of which i will cop to :)

now in my defense, i feel like FOR THE MOST PART i dont talk like this all of the time.....just around the ball field and with my friends....and occasionally (unfortunately) at home....but TODAY i made the COLOSSAL ERROR of losing my shit at WORK....now i am lucky that my boss is a friend- i have known him since high school, so i forget sometimes that he is actually my BOSS - and i'm sure i speak to him inappropriately in terms of work - but not from a language standpoint....UNTIL today - when i sent him a text that included the word "dick" and "ass" ..... and NOT in the nice way!!! um HELLO deni.....clearly that is a line that should not be crossed....and i know better - but i let my temper get the best of me - and out emerged the truck driver!!  you see, its another slippery slope.....and one i dont USUALLY think is that bad....but really is.

so here i am, laughing hysterically because i am having an ecard exchange with one of my friends by text - rude, rude and ruder...sooooo unladylike.....not that i ever laid claim to any kind of "lady" status.....but it occurred to me that in terms of my taste in music, my sense of humor, and my language - i never left middle school (ok maybe high school) - and its probably waaaay too late now to fix any of that....and i'm not sure i would if i could.

but i find it really interesting that the same person that can sit here and contemplate the mysteries of faith, and stress over politics also has the vocabulary of a teenage boy - it's a contradictory jumble that i have working inside.....and in the interest of the whole full disclosure/honesty thing, i just thought you should know.....and maybe help a sister out if you hear her slipping any further down the slope :)

Thanks to words, we have been able to rise above the brutes; and thanks to words, we have often sunk to the level of the demons.  ~Aldous Huxley

sleep sweet sleep

while i sincerely enjoy the process of writing this blog - it has seriously messed with my sleep....i wait every night until it is quiet at my house and then sit down at my computer - i usually have a good idea by then what i want to write about, but it still takes me awhile to mentally put it all together....and i spend time looking for quotes and pictures that add to the message of the day....which i LOVE....i really really really do.....but i'm TIRED!!  so rather than go off on my crazy political tangent for the night (which was tonights original topic), i am just going to relay some "tired" things:

mitt romney is being lambasted for saying that the height of the trees in michigan is perfect.....the man was TIRED....he is allowed to say the occasional stupid thing.....how many dumb things have you said when you were tired???

more importantly, how many MEAN things have you said when you were tired....in our house, the minute the nasty starts to come out, 3 or 4 voices just chime in with "go to sleep, you're tired"

every night before i think about going to sleep, i count how many hours it is until i have to get up - so i can rationalize staying up later.....why?  i'm clearly tired if i'm thinking about bed...

i have to jockey with my dogs for position in bed.....it sucks, but obviously another element of my insanity is that i dont want to inconvenience my DOGS....

i also sleep better with my stuffed cow - or bear....a ridiculous fairly new addition that i love - you can heat up the belly and it gets WARM...i love it - and its another thing i have to fight with my dogs about ;)

my teenagers are almost always up later than i am, no matter how late i stay up....its like we are having a contest to see who can function normally on the least amount of sleep - i think i am losing

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.  ~Wilson Mizener

so tonight, i have a lot on my mind and am calling it a day - a lot earlier than normal....let's just call it a "break" ....i hope you all get some much needed rest as well :)

big and little things

today  was an interesting day.....its this time of year that i have to sit down with  my older boys and discuss "THEIR FUTURE"..  today is the day that class schedules come out for next year.....this always presents a challenge for us....in my house there is an internal battle within each of us, where the competitive "how hard can and should i push myself" side vies with the "am i allowed to have any fun whatsoever" side....you see, kids today have to worry about crazy things like how much is my class weighted?  so if you have any aspirations of "ranking" in your graduating class, you have to plan your courses out like a general on a battlefield - starting freshman year.....and then not only do you have to "stay the course", you have to do better on that course than anyone else - its INSANE!!  and STRESSFUL....

now i know a lot of people do not have this to stress about - and i'm not saying one way or the other whether thats good or bad - its just a reality in my house....my oldest son has never had a "B"....NEVER....he has made it thru 10.5 years (not counting kindergarten) of advanced classes, ridiculous schedules and incredible workloads....all so that he can get into "the RIGHT college"....and i can honestly say that it is SELF driven....yes, we have always pushed our kids to do THEIR best....but grades were not the answer - i never want my kids to take an easier course to get a better grade....that is absolutely NOT the point of education.....so the fact that jake has always gotten straight A's is a testament to HIS effort and drive....and luke is right there with him...

so we have to sit down tonight and discuss jake's senior schedule - now due to the fact that their is literally a GENIUS in jake's grade, there is really no possible way for anyone other than this kid to be valedictorian....so the "battle" is for second place....the debate becomes, is it worth it to take all AP classes, have zippy fun, all so you can POSSIBLY be salutatorian??  not that 2nd is bad in this case.... but really, you only get to be a senior in high school ONCE - and i'd like to see him enjoy it a bit....  the argument then becomes, if he takes a gym (god forbid), then his POTENTIAL GPA is not as high as it could be and he is almost guaranteed to NOT get the rank he wants.....neither of his choices is WRONG....they just are different....and looking back on this decision, depending on where he gets into college will be a big one - did he do the "right" thing for his future??  and for him, right now, it's one of the biggest decisions he can make....

luke is in strangely the same boat.....in order for him to be in the position he wants SENIOR YEAR, as a sophomore he has no electives....no gym, nothing fun.....and his debate is whether or not to take the only AP offered sophomore year (history), which is not his "area"....luke is my math science guy - he is taking 2 sciences, math, engineering, latin, english and history - all honors - unless he takes AP history ..... if he chooses to NOT take the AP, then his overall GPA potential is not as high as those who DO take it....except he is taking an additional honors course.....so for him the internal debate is to i take an "easier" class (honors history) because of his double science....or does he take the more challenging AP class and then have a ridiculous homework load???  and will this determine his future in any way???

its EXHAUSTING!!  i can't make these choices for them....only they can decide the importance of their choices.....i can weigh in, but ultimately it's their life and their future - and there are NO WRONG ANSWERS.....and its very very very hard for me because YES i want them to be successful....but i also want them to ENJOY high school.....and there is a fine line between the two.

in the grand scheme of life, today is not a make or break day - but its significant for them.....and its the beginning of the choices that they will have to make from this point forward - everything they do will impact their lives....their decisions now start falling into the BIG category....and its scary - for them and for me....now is when you start to see how all of the work you've done as a parent is playing out....what kind of YOUNG MEN are emerging.....and i can honestly say that i couldn't be prouder of my boys because we have these kinds of decisions to make....they are incredible....and smart...and motivated...and dedicated.....and i love that about them.....but i just dont want them to be so serious on their journey that they miss the fun of the ride....

this was my "big" decision of the day.....and for me, from my advanced age and life experience, life is short (hence the tattoo).... so the decisions they are making about school, while incredibly significant to them AT THIS MOMENT, when they look back at high school, they are not going to remember how many AP classes they took - they are going to remember their friends, and their teams...their success on the field.....and all of the fun they had....and yes, they will remember being #2, or top 10, or valedictorian....but somehow those things while defining, are NOT the most important when you look back.....and if a college only wants a kid who did nothing bu study for 4 years, then why would you want to go there, anyway???  college is to learn, yes - but its also to GROW - to have fun, and make mistakes - to cope, and learn balance - its a step on the road to being a grown up....that's all - just a STEP.....just like high school.

i'm afraid in our world today, we are raising a generation of kids who don't know HOW to stop and smell the roses....and that is just as important as working hard - there has to be a BALANCE in life.....there is a place for hard work and dedication....but there is also a place for fun and relaxation.....because one day you are going to wake up, and you are going to lose a loved one, or be challenged by an illness - and you are going to WISH you had taken more time along the road to enjoy life.  THAT is also a lesson i want to teach my kids.....

"You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"  - trace adkins lyrics

this song really brings a tear to my eye every time i hear it....if you haven't heard it, you should take a listen....maybe it just strikes me where i am right now - but life DOES go by so fast....and i want my boys to LOVE their life....not just LIVE it.....because one day they are going to blink their eyes and be 40!!  high school will be a distant memory - and TODAY will be the day that MATTERS!! so i am encouraging them, and everyone,  to FIGHT the good fight - for health, for a good life, for their future.....fight for the things that matter, and let go of the things that don't.....you only get to go around ONCE...make the most of it!!

"Remember the past, plan for the future, but live for today, because yesterday is gone & tomorrow may never come"

 

47 years

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. Paul Sweeney

my parents celebrated their 47th wedding anniversary this weekend.....well, i 'm not sure they celebrated it, but it happened nonetheless :)  47 years!!! 47....i find that utterly amazing for so many reasons.....not the least of which is how incredibly different my parents are. and i guess, while i grew up in family that stayed together, my generation was really the first that experienced  a lot of divorce....so when so many other couples chose NOT to stay together, it amazes me that my parents chose TO....i know it hasnt been easy - for either of them, but thru it all, they have remained a UNIT, and i firmly believe that i am the person i am today because of them.

with all of the debate today about same-sex marriage, i feel like the conversation about marriage itself - as an institution - has really NOT been addressed.....maybe it doesnt need to be.....but really, one of the hardest, most challenging things anyone will ever do is STAY married....its not that i disagree with anyone's RIGHT to get married - the more the merrier, really - but since the inception of "no fault" divorce, the question could be asked, "why bother?"......i realize that's harsh, but we live in a society of easy in, easy out - no harm/no foul lifestyles.  and honestly, i'm not sure that's  necessarily bad in regards to certain things.....but it does bring into question the BENEFITS of long term commitment.

i have had several conversations with people about this subject - i have been married almost 17 years myself - and i'm sure anyone who knows us would think my husband deserves some kind of sainthood - and they wouldn't be too far off the mark!  i find it interesting to look at in terms of the 50/50 marriage survival rate to think that there is a group of people out there FIGHTING for the ability to do something that a great majority of people are unsuccessful at!  and i wonder if the institution itself will survive my lifetime.....that may seem farfetched, but when you look at my parents generation , marriage was a PARTNERSHIP - in the classic sense, the man worked to provide for the family, and the woman stayed home to take care of the house and children .... it's this "model" that we grew up with and believed was the only RIGHT way to live.

fast forward to an economy where most households need 2 incomes and both parents work - the roles are intertwined and both parents do both jobs - which is great, in my opinon.....but it lessens the NECESSITY for the partnership....it takes away the NEED to remain together - so that when you go thru those challenges, as all relationships do, it becomes a CHOICE - do i WANT to stay or go, rather than do i NEED to stay or go....

In every marriage more than a week old, there are grounds for divorce.  The trick is to find, and continue to find, grounds for marriage.  ~Robert Anderson

now i firmly believe that it takes two parents to raise a family - i actually think it takes a small army - i just dont happen to care about the sex of those parents....i think its the PARTNERSHIP that makes families successful - not to say single parents are not successful - i just think their job is a million times harder.....and i believe that the BALANCE of 2 opinions is essential in creating a vibrant environment for growth.

and that's not to say that any of those other "models" out there are not as great or true or valid as the traditional one - i'm all for whatever works - i just want "whatever" to WORK!!  i want my boys to understand the importance of RELATIONSHIPS, and value them in whatever form they take - and then realize that they need to put the work in to maintain them....

this is where your own examples come into play - my parents clearly stayed together....kris' parents also are still together - so our shared EXPERIENCE is of TOGETHER.....and we know it hasn't been all sunshine and light - i believe my parents are as far from the sunshine and light example of marriage as possible - but regardless they made it work....and i respect the hell out of them for it.....not everything is supposed to be easy....most important things are RARELY easy - you have to work for them so you understand the significance....

“There are only two options regarding commitment. You're either in or you're out. There's no such thing as life in-between.”  pat riley

so i want to thank my parents, and kris' parents and all of the others out there who chose to stick it out!!  for being a living example of the "just because its not good everyday, doesn't mean its not great overall" philosophy....for showing me what it means to BE THERE....ALWAYS for my family - and that i need to cling to those things and people i value with all of the strength in my heart....

sports and outfits

i am once again playing in an overnight tourney in NJ, which i drove 4.5 hours to play in.....am i crazy?  absolutely :) ....and while i'm sitting here in between games, i am looking around and laughing about all the different outfits people play in....now i am NOT one to talk - it goes back to the never matching thing - and while i always look somewhat ridiculous, at least i know it....my teammate said to me tonight, somehow you always manage to look cute in the worst outfits....and that's just how i roll :)

its even funnier because i was talking to kris today about the whole culture of competitive cheerleading - which makes me insane....not because of the cheerleading - i have serious respect for the hours these girls commit to learning to tumble ....what drives me crazy is the whole hair and makeup thing....its like we are telling our young girls that it doesnt matter how ATHLETIC or STRONG or GOOD you are, you also have to LOOK CUTE!!  and nowhere is this more obvious in competitive sports than in college softball.....where the biggest baddest b*tches in the world wear HAIR BOWS!!  it makes me INSANE!!!!  glitter and sparkles and complicated braids...what IS THAT??  and why does each sport identify itself with a different LOOK??

i have no answers, just observations.....and it's absolutely obvious at this indoor tournament which girls played fastpitch.....short pants, tall socks and hair bows ..... UGH!!  of course they look at me in my mismatched clothes and ugly lax shorts and think i dont own a mirror - so who am i to talk.....but i really dont get the whole cutsy cute ahtletic thing....its unnecessary to be cute when you are kicking someone's butt, right!!

now i know its clearly the same with the boys and their "swag"...clothes with ATTITUDE that make a statement....so i guess we all want to look our best while we DO our best.....i'm just sayin....i dont see the need.

of course i'm sure most of you dont see the need to drive to NJ to stay up all night and play a stupid game, so there's that also :)  just thought i'd throw out some food for thought while i'm up!!

mixing up my morning and night

i wonder if its biological or just habit???  i have always done better at night - i think better, and i'm way more motivated....i have trained myself on occasion to get up early (like the million years i had to do bus or school drop at 6:30) - but i still can't function  - or at least well.  and forget working out - if i teach the 5:15am spin class, i feel like throwing up for the rest of the day....literally.

why am i writing about it?  no idea, except its another one of those things i wonder about....with technology being the way that it is, i figure people can probably work whatever hours suit them.....if i'm more productive from 4pm to midnight, wouldn't it be nice if those were my hours??  i get myself up every morning and DRAG myself thru the morning- i start to feel human around 11:30 and hit my stride at 3:30.....which is good i guess, since all hell breaks loose in my house between 4:30 and 5:30 everyday - its probably better that i'm winding UP at that time rather than winding down. 

the interesting part is that my husband is exactly the opposite.....and i really do wonder if its not because for the first 8 years of our marriage, i worked nights, so he always got up early....he did the 3am and 6am stuff - i've always gotten the kids off to school or whatever, but he did the way, ridiculously early stuff.  thank god.  and to this day gets up at the unimaginable hour of 4:45 - so he can EXERCISE before work....to which i say oh HELL no.....i love that he can do it, but not me - no way....i'd rather work out now - just like i like to do my blog now- at 10:15....i am just NOT a morning person.  im just not sure it makes me any LESS productive - i think it just makes me backwards :)

and its funny - there a thousand quotes and idioms out there about why MORNING people are so much more successful....the early bird catches the worm, blah blah blah.....getting UP earlier doesnt make me want to DO anything earlier - it just means i'm awake....and fairly to moderately unhappy about it :)  and lets not even talk about the number of alarms i set or how many times i can hit ignore.....my kids think its hilarious that i pick the most obnoxious song i can find (currently the jonas brothers PLAY MY MUSIC) just so that it will annoy me enough to actually get up and turn off...that's so sad, but absolutely true.

so what's so great about 6am anyway?  does anyone REALLY like being up that early?  nothing is open and traffic is already bad (at least here)....so why not start at 10?  EVERYTHING is open and traffic is gone - i'm just saying....it seems just as reasonable to start LATER.  altho i guess if i'm being honest, in the morning there seems to be an ORDER to the day...what goes first is a lot more obvious than at 10 at night....when i sit down to really get my stuff done, i'm looking at 50 different things and they all pretty much have the same priority level - because realistically work stuff can wait until the MORNING.....and how messed up is THAT rationalization :)

i think i also like the night because its quiet....i dont have to watch sports of any kind if i dont want - i can read or watch a sappy movie....or i can work - all without any comment or interruption....and that is probably the biggest reason i get more done - it probably has very little to do with motivation or genetics or even habit....its probably realistically better for me at night because i have no distraction.....i cant believe it took me writing about it to have that little piece of wisdom smack me in the head ..... but there you go.  my work here is done :)

Night time is really the best time to work. All the ideas are there to be yours because everyone else is asleep.
~Catherine O'Hara

running

this is my new mantra - and i stole it off of  facebook :).....and it somewhat surprises me that i need a mantra (but i do) and that i am actually attempting to embrace running.....it's one more thing i owe to laura.....

why is it so strange?  if you are my college roommates or played anything with me in high school you will know that running has been the BANE of my athletic existence for EVER!!  i'm just NOT good at it - i'm slow, i have terrible form, and i just cant seem to stop thinking "i hate this" over and over again while i run....so really, WHY???

i can still so clearly remember the first day of practice at brown when we had to do the TIMED 4 mile.....and you know i had NEVER run 4 straight miles in MY LIFE....i not only came in DEAD LAST, but i also thought i was going to DIE!!  i'm pretty sure that in a nutshell is why my coach deciced to hate me forever :)  i was TERRIBLE.....my only saving grace was that i was really FAST, and for some odd reason the fact that i have no long distance stamina never really affected my ability to play a whole game.....but i'm sure i would have been a whole lot better with some damn stamina.....and then i had to go and blow out both of my knees - and clearly lose my speed....so now what i have going for me in the running department is NADDA!!

so prior to this lovely epiphany about running, my general philosophy about fitness was that running was unnecessary - which i still believe mind you.....i spin like a fiend, which is another irony, as i promised myself after living on a rehab bike that i would NEVER put my ass on a bike seat ever again, but that's neither here nor there, i guess.... except to say i obviously am not entirely resolute when it comes to working out....

over the years, i have toyed with getting into running - and in all honesty actually ran like 6 miles ONCE - i made my spin class train with me and we did a spin and run combo from new years to spring break - culminating in an hour spin and a 6 mile run - it was awesome and i hated every second of it and never did it again.....so there you go....and i WANT to like it....when you see someone running with EASE, it looks like its fun.....or relaxing.....or peaceful... SOMETHING!!  one of my roommates promised me that once you hit a "certain point" your mind would shut off and you would just RUN.....and now that i have officially entered what i consider to be the realm of runners - 4, 6, 8, 10 miles - i can state that that is UNEQUIVOCALLY UNTRUE.....still hate it - brain never shuts off - and i hear myself sounding like a freight train in between songs.....running is just SOOO not my thing....

however, i have found that i am embracing it as a challenge.....i am making myself do something i dont like for very weird reasons....but there you go - i think somewhere in my convoluted brain i think, laura doesnt get to run.....and even if she hated it, she still wishes she were here to do it.....and so i run.  i never in a million years thought that at the ripe old age of 40,  i would be playing mental games with myself over something i really see no reason to do, other than to prove a ridiculous point to MYSELF....i might be losing my mind......and still i run.

"Running is a big question mark that's there each and every day. It asks you, 'Are you going to be a wimp or are you going to be strong today?'"
- Peter Maher, Canadian marathon runner

see, these are the mental games i play with myself.....theres absolutely no reason i can't run - just like theres no reason i cant work out - i just choose not to....and in order for me to CHOOSE TO do these things, i have to push my own buttons....i  HATE feeling like i wimp out.....i HATE feeling weak.....i HATE being a quitter.....apparently i enjoy being a whiner, but i can whine and still do it :) 

i think i probably need to actually LEARN how to run, if im going to keep at it....i mean really, i am absolutely the worst....i don't hydrate, i don't warm up, i don't stretch, i don't cool down, i run on my heels, i kick myself in the ankle constantly....when i see my shadow when im running all i can think is OH MY GOD, you look like you are WALKING, and walking AWKWARDLY at that!!!  i hate being bad at anything....but apparently ive been okay all these years with sucking at this!!  i think because you are just supposed to KNOW how to run, right??  i mean what person with any claim to athleticism needs to LEARN how to run??  apparently i do.....whether i will or not, remains to be seen.....but at least i'm giving it a passing thought....

this quote seems to be the one that hits home for me the most at this point:
"I run because it's so symbolic of life. You have to drive yourself to overcome the obstacles. You might feel that you can't. But then you find your inner strength, and realize you're capable of so much more than you thought."
--Arthur Blank

i feel like right now, where i am in my life, its important that i not only APPRECIATE my life, but that i EARN it.....it seems so many of my friends, family, and peers are struggling with HEAVY things.....and i am so incredibly lucky that what i struggle with is so easy....i'm busy, i'm tired, i'm strapped for cash.....big freakin deal......what i am is LUCKY...and HEALTHY.....and i need to EMBRACE that....and if in embracing this life, it means i make myself run, then that's what i do - because i can, when so many others can't.

that doesn't mean i have to like it - i just have to do it....and maybe in time i'll find that place that sarah always talked about where the running starts to bring peace....or maybe not .... but until i can prove it one way or the other, i'll just keep running.....

volunteerism

I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.  Mahatma Gandhi

it's amazing to me that in our world full of all of this increasingly negative talk about the economy, people still always find a way to GIVE....especially to the causes that are dear to them.  if you really stop and look around, the number of ways in which we are asked to HELP others is endless.....and where each person draws that line is different.

now this is not a "go me" acknowledgement by any means - this is really just an indictment of A) my inability to say no and B) my totally uptight belief that i can get whatever it is done faster myself than if i asked for help.....but i do a lot of things for a lot of different people.....and when i look around, i realize that so do a bunch of other people i know....and its always those same people that offer to HELP.....we have a secret club named "sure, why not? we can't possibly say no to that"

so in the last 2 days, i've had 2 separate meetings about 2 different fundraisers.....for 2 VERY different causes -but the one things both meetings had in common was the ENTHUSIASM of the people involved....no one has any extra time, or money these days - but somehow taking on the responsibility to get something done or make something happen that will have a positive impact encourages people to MAKE the time.....we all just want to leave this place a little better than we found it....and i am finding that most people want to apply their TALENTS to the things they want to do.....and often those things are found outside of work.

Everyone can be great because anyone can serve. You don't have to have a college degree to serve. You don't even have to make your subject and your verb agree to serve... You only need a heart full of grace. A soul generated by love...
    Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

i believe the spirit of volunteerism is alive and well because we can SEE the difference that can be made....even if its small....and i believe we are ALL better for being involved....its the willingness to HELP that keeps us from looking inward all the time.....its a big picture generator.....and it starts young.....i think we just lose sight of it sometimes.  kids WANT to help.....and as they grow, they just need the opportunities to do it.....and it doesn't have to be earth shattering to make a difference- they can tutor, or help coach - walk dogs or pick up trash....anything that takes them outside of their little box and opens their eyes to something bigger.....so that as they grow, they understand that we are all a part of the larger community....and if it is within their means to help, they should.

how did i get on this tonight?  at my second meeting, i was talking with a friend, who if its possible takes on more ridiculousness than i do....she was the FIRST person to offer to help me - and of course will end up doing more than i ask....but it was her ATTITUDE that struck me - you see, she just WANTS TO HELP....no matter how challenging it makes her time, being able to help someone - to bring a little sunshine - is what drives her.....and i admire that!  because generally i feel like i help out because i CAN - i'm goal oriented and a master multi-tasker - therefore the perfect volunteer.....but its not like its been a PASSION for me, like it is for her.....and its that passion that makes the difference between obligation and joy.

No one is useless in this world who lightens the burden of it for someone else.
    Benjamin Franklin

 

i believe we all have a passion - and its finding how to use that passion to help others where true volunteerism happens.....i absolutely love that my best example of that is in josh - who at 8 decided we were not doing enough to help animals - so he wrote and illustrated a book, which we published and sold - so that he could donate the money to our local shelter.....THAT is passion.....and i hope he never loses it. 

so this blog tonight is dedicated to all those people out there i know who give their TIME to help....for stepping outside of themselves and looking at the bigger picture - trying to make their little space on the planet better - or just lifting up a friend in need.....you may never know the lasting impact you have, but know that the time you have given has created an outpouring of GOOD.....so the time was never wasted!!

I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catchers mitt on both hands.  You need to be able to throw something back.  ~Maya Angelou

a spiritual spring cleaning

Lent is a special time of prayer, penance, sacrifice and good works in preparation of the celebration of Easter.

Although the practices may have evolved over the centuries, the focus remains the same: to repent of sin, to renew our faith and to prepare to celebrate joyfully the mysteries of our salvation.

We are at that time of the year when we are invited to test our inner freedom and to question the notion: I can take it, or leave it. Try that with pornography, alcohol, complaining, gossiping, anger, gambling. What habits make me hard to live with?  Lent is about regaining self-control, especially in those areas that damage others

The purpose of Lent is to be a season of fasting, self-denial, spiritual growth, conversion, and simplicity. Lent, which comes from the Teutonic (Germanic) word for springtime, can be viewed as a spiritual spring cleaning: a time for taking spiritual inventory and then cleaning out those things which hinder our corporate and personal relationships with Jesus Christ and our service to him.

no matter what faith you grow up in, there are rituals to be observed.....and like many things we do, we do them without knowing the cause or origin.....this came up tonight because there was an ambulance at one of the churches, and i jokingly said "i hope someone didn't have a heart attack from eating all those pancakes"....and kris looked at me like i was CRAZY!!  and then i said "aren't you catholic???" - it's pancake tuesday......to which he again looked at me like i was crazy.....  so how can we both have been raised catholic and he not know something i consider common knowledge?  it just got me to thinking about lent, and the season.....its one of those things that people who dont consider themselves religious observe.  i know a ton of people who "use" lent as a kickoff for a diet, or to break a bad habit....which is essentially what lent is for - just without the spiritual connotation.....and is that bad?  i dont think so- whether you believe or not, trying to be better for 40 days is never a bad idea, right?

without going down the whole catholic/non-catholic route again, i just want to say that i have always found it somewhat entertaining that people who absolutely NEVER darken the door of church (my parents included) observe the no-meat fridays in lent....it cracks me up - no confession, or good deeds - just the no-meat.....i think jesus would prefer we pick the good works over the no-meat thing, but that's just my opinion.  while i also, somewhat ironically,  usually observe lent - the whole no-meat on friday thing has no meaning for me, as i dont eat meat......so i've tried to focus more on the actual spiritual quest part.....i'm going to try to take these next 40 days to rededicate myself to some of the reading i have been slacking on - and to spend some time at various services......i may even darken the door of sacred heart...who knows......i'm also going to attempt to get back on the plant based diet, as opposed to the potato based diet i seem to be on......the whole theme of smart, sensible eating is this:  the further away from the way God made it, the less of it you should eat....that seems like a great lenten plan to me....

that's not to say i wont also give up something yummy - because as anyone who has ever been associated with catholicism knows,  you can't NOT give up something for lent or the GUILT will probably kill you :)  so i'm going with the all encompassing potato......yes i know - i may not survive - but it'll be the hardest thing i can do without wanting to do bodily harm to anyone (like the year i gave up coffee)....

for this season, im embracing the phrase "spiritual spring cleaning".....as i feel like that can apply to anyone of any faith (or non-faith, actually).....no matter what you believe, its never a bad idea to take some time to really think about what drives you....and whether or not you are on the course that leads to "good"....however you define it.....

i dont think lent has to be negative.... i understand the POINT behind giving something up - and looking at it in secular terms - its really about CONTROL....can you CHOOSE to abstain from something for 40 days?  or can you be DEVOTED to something for 40 days?  ultimately lent is about reflection and challenge.....can you make yourself do better?  be better?.....and isnt that the best possible INTENTION you can offer?

If you want to awaken all of humanity, then awaken all of yourself, if you want to eliminate the suffering in the world, then eliminate all that is dark and negative in yourself. Truly, the greatest gift you have to give is that of your own self-transformation.Lao Tzu 600BC

the food challenge

If you’re happy, you eat. If you’re sad, you eat. You lose a job, you eat. You get a job, you eat. It’s, you know, it’s addiction.
Barbara Cook

one of my greatest long term relationships is with FOOD.....sometimes i hate it, but mostly i just LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! i  am not now and never have been one of those "oh i'll just have one" kind of people - and i truly do admire them.....i would say that at heart i am truly a glutton.....i'm sure i could go see a therapist and we could dissect the whole OCD/addictive personality disorder that is me.....but clearly i'm aware of it, so why waste the time :)

now when i tell you that i love food, i don't mean it like i enjoy sitting down to a good meal - i mean it like i wake up thinking about it and pretty much plan my entire day around where my next meal is coming from.....there are times when i am better about this than others, but ultimately it always comes back around to my obsession with food......and its not always bad - when i'm eating heathly - i'm all about that too - i'm pretty much just all about whatever food i happen to be eating at the time....

and its inescapable as a parent.....i not only have to think about what I want to eat, but i have to grocery shop for my kids and plan their meals also.....somehow this has always been my job...so when i wake up in the morning, not only do i immediately think "what am i eating for breakfast?", i'm also thinking "what are the kids having for dinner?"....its  a never ending cycle of food, food, food.....

and the irony is that i KNOW what i should eat - i know what i should feed my kids....but i still struggle EVERY DAY with food.....WHY is that??  i am the first person to tell you that junk food is bad for you - i jumped on the whole grain, vegetarian thing long before it was trendy....probably to make up for all of the years i existed on doritoes and pepsi.....but eating right and knowing how, doesnt make it any easier to walk by the cupcake store and not go in.....i count it as a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT when i leave the grocery store without chips or cookies.....and it doesnt happen often.

you see, i sincerely struggle with this ridiculous argument ..... why shouldnt my kids eat oreo's and doritoes while they can - because clearly one day they will know they shouldnt .... why suck all of the fun out of food when they are young???  WELL maybe because its BAD FOR THEM to eat processed chemicals???  i mean, i know that's true - there is absolutely no good reason to eat oreos - except that they are YUMMY!!  and dont my boys have enough going on with school and sports that they should ENJOY their food??  yes that is a COMPLETE rationalization.....so the happy medium is that i ATTEMPT to make them better real food -and then let them have crappy snacks....when i actually stopped making things for dinner that came out of a box, the kids started eating a least marginally healthier.....and clearly we do eat our share of fruits and veggies....but STILL - when you get right down to it, i still want my chips and dip.....

you might ask WHY this is coming up now - or again.....not sure really, except that i KNOW i am eating like garbage right now.....and cant seem to stop myself.....what's that all about??  i see a picture of my friend from the gym and she looks AMAZING....and i think - wow, she looks fantastic and i really need to get my ass back in shape......and then i talk to my friends who are going thru a hard time and think - so i'm a little heavier than i would like, but really in the grand scheme is that so bad???  i can ALWAYS find a rationalization to EAT!!  i mean, i just literally proved to myself that i could go 4 days without eating anything.....and the minute i broke that cleanse, i was right back on the junk....what is WRONG with me???  and now its even funnier because i have the crazy idea that if i'm going to break down and have something bad for me - i may as well have it INSTEAD of dinner - that way i'm not adding extra calories - i'm just not eating anything at all with any value!!

do i know that food is fuel?  yes...... do i know that eating processed food is bad for me? yes ..... do i firmly believe in a plant based diet? yes....does any of that stop me from eating badly?  NO 

my favorite food story that i tell all the time involves me going to my family doctor because i sincerely thought i had a problem with my thyroid - i was working out 6 or 7x a week - and hard- teaching everyday and training....and still could not seem to lose any weight .... so when i sat down with my doctor and we went over what i ate and drank in a week - he looked at me and said - "its a good thing you work out like you do, because you shoud weigh 400 pounds"..... awesome!!  and now that i'm not working out like a fiend anymore- its definitely catching up with me....

so i guess by admitting it, i'm hoping to guilt myself into at least attempting to eat better - or if not, to at least start working out more....i'm getting there - i'm definitely not back to every day - but i'm up to about 4 days a week (mostly)...so i guess its a start....but it still didn't stop me from having this for dinner:

it's been one of those weeks :)

if you are what you eat, then this week i am a big fat giant bowl of brownies, ice cream, reeses and oreo topping!!

next week i'll shoot for salad....wish me luck!!

lazy days

today was just one of those days.....i guess with a long weekend, sunday feels like saturday - or maybe i was just overdue for a slackass day....but that is what today was.....i think for the first time in quite awhile - what i accomplished today was NOTHING....nadda....ZIP :)  i lounged on my couch and watched movies and read pretty much all day......no laundry or work - no lax planning.....no fundraising - absolutely nothing productive.....and while i feel fairly guilty about it, i also loved it!!

i feel like somehow we are programmed to NOT take any time off - due to technology and progress - basically just the normal demands of life - we are "on" 24/7 - all day every day.....and sometimes you just need to step off the roller coaster for a second.  all of the stuff i should have been working on today, will still be here tomorrow - and it will still stress me out....so really, taking a breather today didn't make a huge difference in the grand scheme....at least that's what i'm telling myself....

and i got to spend a minute cuddling with my boy who still is little enough to indulge his mom....that's got to be worth the extra stress i'm sure i created tomorrow by not doing anything today!!

i wonder when sundays stopped being a day of rest?  i mean i know at some point we didn't run around like lunatics all the time, right?  but in this day and age of year round travel sports, sunday has become just one more day in the cycle......and usually i'm totally fine with that.....but as i sat here this morning, thinking of all the 9 million things on my list to do, i just couldnt do it.....when cooper knocked over the giant piles of laundry on the couch that i have yet to put away, rather than get irritated, i just tuned it out.....is that so bad?

a big part of this writing process has been about looking at the value of each day.....sometimes the days are great, and sometimes they are sad....some are stressful and some are fun....and some, like today, just ARE.....its in taking each day for what its worth - just trying to accept it and LIVE it however it rolls along.....its a tough one for me.....but i'm working on it....and maybe taking a day like today every now and then will either motivate me more tomorrow to get stuff done - or just end up showing me that taking a lazy day is not the end of the world....

no matter what tomorrow brings, i had a lovely, totally stress free day....for the first time in a long time - and i got to watch How to train your dragon again.....which is always a bonus :)  i'm sure there is a happy medium somewhere between running around like a chicken and doing absolutely nothing....and at some point, hopefully i will find it!!

inspiration

first i'll say sorry for the no blog yesterday - there will always be a story when i dont get to it, but yesterday's will probably be the most common - after sitting thru an all day meeting and driving home from sunny pocomoke and getting stuck in traffic for 4.5 hours - then jumping right back in the car to run the kids around....i opted for the i could really use a beer option instead of the i really should blog option.....i'm human :)

interestingly, today i spent a good part of the afternoon watching the whitney houston funeral - which really wouldn't normally be my speed, but i just couldn't seem to help myself.....i dont know whether it was the time in my life when she made such an impact or what, but i am seriously saddened by her death.....and felt compelled to watch the tributes....and honestly found it very moving......

Even when she was tired or a bit lost, she gave and gave and then gave some more. When she did not want to do things, she did them anyway, and we are so much better for it." — Patricia Houston

and then we all watched a special on walter payton.....who is arguably one of the best to ever play the game - because he combined his physical gifts with a huge WORK ETHIC.....he famously ran a giant hill by his house every morning - and it became a symbol of his drive.....even his motto "never die easy" was a testament to his belief that you dont take the easy way - hard work is what makes all the difference.....

I think Walter's legacy will be that of a man with a God-given ability that got the most out of it at every possible chance. He did it with pride, he did it with dignity, he did it with respect for the game." -- brother Eddie Payton

i think the lives of both of these icons should serve to inspire - everyone in this life has ups and downs - we make questionable choices and fight our own demons....but PERSERVERENCE, BELIEF, HARD WORK & KINDNESS - these are qualities that should inspire....the fact that their incredible talents brought them to public attention is often what people find the most inspiring.....but those are god-given gifts - and i admire what they did with them - and believe me, they did amazing things with their gifts.....but having a beautiful voice or outrageous athleticism is not what made them great - what elevated them was their DESIRE to be BETTER.....to NOT let the gift be ENOUGH.....to do the BEST with the gifts they were given.....to WORK HARD and to fight the good fight!! 

that's the take away from today....struggle is a part of life....but its in the way we ATTACK each day....and the way we PERSERVERE that make the difference!  it keeps coming back  ironically to the JOHN 10:10.....no matter how or what you choose to do - the biggest lesson of all is that we were given this life, and while we are here, we need to LIVE IT TO THE FULL!

work

All things are difficult before they are easy.
Thomas Fuller

this is a short but hopefully sweet one...i have to travel occasionally for work - its not super far - but just far enough that i usually leave the night before....so here i am, as usual, feeling somewhat guilty for being away from the boys, and yet at the same time enjoying having a few drinks with my friends from work.....its the few drinks part that will make this short :)

like everything else i struggle with, WORK is hard - and i know.....that's why they call it work....i get it.  its interesting because i never really considered having a career once i had kids - i always just had WORK - those jobs i did to help pay bills, but with no real future.....and i find myself at the ripe old age of 40, teetering on the edge of a career....and i'm having a little bit of trouble embracing it...... i know that i will - it's not in my nature to NOT.....but it seems like i need some time to put it in the proper perspective....and obviously with jake leaving for college next year, i NEED it....it's just taking some time for me to wrap my head around it.....

and as much as i LOVE being on a team in the sports arena, being on a TEAM for work is very different - we do have the same goals in a long range kind of way, but its not like there is a win/lose at the end of the day.....and i find i'm WAY too opinionated after all of these years NOT really working for anyone else :)

its another growing pain for me - and who knew i'd be having more growing pains at 40???  how do you look at the place that you are in and learn to love it - even if its not the place you envisioned??  i'm not totally sure - but it's my challenge for the next little bit.....i'm lucky i have a job - that's on the verge of a career......and that i can contribute to the "let's send the kids to college" fund.....being a mom isn't always about the things i thought - being a mom is about getting the job done.... in whatever format is needed.....

The more I want to get something done, the less I call it work.   Richard Bach

that's the challenge....i dont consider any of my fundraising or lacrosse stuff work - i dont consider anything i do for my kids work....i dont consider exercise work (usually)......and it IS honestly all work.....i just dont look at it that way....so maybe if i stop looking at my JOB as work, and as the opportunity that it is to make things easier and better - it will stop feeling so damn hard  :)

hows that for philosophy at 2:15am :)

time flies

To everything there is a season,
and a time to every purpose under heaven.
- Ecclesiastes 3:1

so i'm sitting at my computer tonight (like every night now) and i'm making a list of all the stuff i need to do......and i actually had to organize it in an excel spreadsheet, because i'm anal AND because it falls under a lot of different categories.....it helps me to wrap my head around what i need to do if i can SEE it....i may never look at that spreadsheet again, but just DOING it helped me break it down into small enough pieces to tackle.....i'm a list girl.....and a calendar girl....i have PAPER just about everywhere and i usually dont even look at it - but its in the writing it down that it takes shape for me - i write in colored pens and carry highlighters with me everywhere - just one more of my lovely quirks - but it works for me.

what does this have to do with anything?  as i'm writing this list and talking to jake about his SUMMER lax tournaments, i realized that my WHOLE YEAR is almost already planned.....life as i know it ends every year on march 1st when high school lacrosse starts.....its in the spring that lacrosse and soccer overlap.....and just as spring lacrosse is ending, softball and summer lax start....and then before you know it it's fall (when softball gets serious, ironically) and school gets going and fall lacrosse starts ...oh, and FOOTBALL!!  before you know it, its thanksgiving and christmas and i'm looking at 2013 and my SENIOR graduating from high school......i think i'm actually starting to hyperventilate a little.

and that's before we add in all the mundane day to day stuff....and the not so mundane.....my half marathon, the avon walk, our new foundation fundraising, getting recertified, and the inaugural season of our newly founded travel lacrosse team....

i feel like the next time i blink, my boys will all be grown up.....it occurs to me everytime i see a picture of myself holding a baby or a toddler.....WHERE DID THE TIME GO?  you know how you see a picture of your parents when they looked YOUNG?  and now they don't.....well guess what?  thats US now!!!  how crazy is that??

even while i make the attempt to be PRESENT in my moments, i can still look back and realize that time is moving too fast for me to grasp it all.  when did 2 of my kids turn into MEN?  i know i was here for it - and i know i watched it happen....but i still cant pinpoint the moment.....i guess because it was too many moments to see.......even while i'm trying not to miss anything, i still do.....and that's ok - i know i'm getting the highlights.....but it just makes me wonder how fast this next little segment of time is going to go....what's the next thing i'm going to look back on and wonder where it went?  and how much more gray hair will i have when i notice that its gone? 

not that it matters in the grand scheme of things....as long as i can look back and be happy that i was present for all of those moments, then really its all just perspective.  i still get to see my pop everyday - and i'm sure we both have moments where we look at each other and think "damn, where has the time gone".....but it doesn't make any of my memories any less sweet - as a  matter of fact, it actually makes them better - because i realize that the time in front of me is all that much more precious!!!   i KNOW how much time is behind me....but i have no idea how much is in front of me - so i better make the most of it...every stinkin, wrinkle making minute of it!!