a test, wrapped in a reminder

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.  ~David Russell
right before i stopped writing the blog this summer, it had taken a bit of a negative turn....which basically reflected my place at that time....as always, i'm trying to be honest about my feelings, my situation and emotions as i write....but one of my best friends sent a reminder to me that she felt i had gotten away from the "spiritual quest" part of my soul-searching.  and i have to admit that she's right.  you see i generally attack all of my new endeavors with drive and enthusiasm.....but at some point it always always wanes.  and i think because i had broken down the "spiritual" part to my reading, i let go of it when the politics side picked up.  which is silly, but true.  i have a very very difficult time compartmentalizing - if i'm unhappy or annoyed about one thing, then you can be damn sure im unhappy or annoyed about everything.  its the one underlying quality about myself that has never changed.  and once i hit an intellectual or emotional roadblock with something, then literally i'm just OUT....done....finished.  i will eventually revist it - whatever it happens to be - but once i've written a subject off in my mind, its doesnt have long for the world....or at least my little corner of it.

so as it relates to my burying my head in the sand, this is NOT a good combination.  and today was particularly not a great day....i feel like i am stuck in a cycle of indecision and inactivity, because i really truly can not make a choice that i should have made a while ago.  actually, i'm sure that's true about more than one choice, but its absolutely true about work.

"You've got to follow your passion.  You've got to figure out what it is you love--who you really are.  And have the courage to do that.  I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dream." ophrah winfrey

at the heart of it all, i consider myself a pragmatist.  i almost always make the practical decision....which usually puts me right where i want to be.  but not always.  and i'm afraid this is one of those times....do i step out on a limb financially, in a very scary and important financial time for my family??  until now, the answer has been no.   and maybe it will still be after all is said and done.  i dont know whether or not its just my age, or maybe the  years i've been doing unsatisfying work, or my situation in life....but i just dont seem to be able to embrace the practical choice anymore....i'm still making it, but not with the ease i used to.

back in the day when i was waiting tables with my ivy league degree, because the money was great and the hours enabled me to stay home with my kids - it was much much easier to embrace the practicality.  did i have to listen to an assload of "WHY are YOU waiting tables?"  yes, i did. but it was okay, because the ultimate goal at that time was to BE HOME - and be the best mom i could.....work was totally secondary.  work was to make enough money to live.  PERIOD.  i never in a million years thought that 17 years later, i would still be fighting with myself over - of all things - work.  that's not to say i didnt have any ambition when i was younger....i did - i double majored and everything.....but life threw me a happy curve and i embraced it - that's what i do.  each new phase of the kids life, i adapted.....i almost always worked one or two part-time gigs - balancing just enough money with time spent away - at least in my head.  i've always had at least 2 things going - always had a backup plan - but ultimately each time i've had to make a decision to change, it was about the KIDS - their schedules, their needs.  but now, the decision i'm facing is about ME....and i'm paralyzed.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

as crazy as this sounds, and as hard as it is to admit at this stage of the game, i dont really have any professional goals.  i have personal goals of course, but my professional goal was always to be raise good kids....work was just a  means to an end.  i feel like i gave up the "professional" option when i opted all those years ago to stay home....and yet, now that the kids are mostly grown, i feel like i'm supposed to have some or get some inspiration as it relates to a career.  i have always been mentally a stay at home mom- even though i physically havent - if that makes any sense.  somehow i have always managed to get my kids on an off the bus, help with school work, go on field trips and still put in the time to work.  until very recently.  and i hate it. with a passion. and if i havent mentioned before, it paralyzes me.  its creating a great big giant black hole of unhappiness and indecision.  i feel like a 2 year old stomping her feet, screaming "but i dont WANT to work". which is crazy.  i dont mind work.  i just dont want a career.  or more specifically i dont want to decide at 40 what i want my career to be.  but i have to.  that's where i am today...right this minute.

so maybe the fact that i let the faith part fall away from the quest has all been a part of the test i'm taking....and its clearly the part that i'm failing.  i feel like i keep getting all of these cosmic reminders that life is short....and rather than take them in and use them - i'm just ignoring them.  what the hell is wrong with me??

wouldnt it be amazing if we could all just follow our passion - make a gazillion dollars at it and not have to stress about the practicalities of looming college tuition, another teenage driver and bills?  see??? that's negative nelly - not being able to just LET GO and take the leap of faith.  i dont believe everything will work out, just because i want it to.  and for some reason i cant seem to be able to make the pieces to fit the way i want them to. 

so i stay where i am....jogging in place....waiting for the next sign to appear - even though i will probably ignore that one as well.....if i decide to jump, ya'll will be the first ones to know.

my head in the sand

You may delay, but time will not.  ~Benjamin Franklin

its just about that time again, when you all get to listen to me rant and stress and vent...but as my friend michelle pointed out, i started 2 days late.  which is just about how i feel about life right now - i'm at least a day late, and doing my best to keep right on ignoring that fact.

i wont bore you with what we did all summer, i'm just going to jump right back in with both feet by saying that i'm just not ready to be where i am right now.  NOT IN THE LEAST LITTLE BIT......and i keep thinking that if i just don't think about it, or address it, then maybe, just maybe, time will stand still for a little while.  unfortunately that's just not true.  and while i can definitely delude myself for a while, i cant do it forever.  this year is coming whether i want it to or not.  my baby started middle school whether i was ready or not.  i will watch my second kid start to drive....and i will watch my oldest graduate from high school - whether i'm ready or not.  so i guess i better start getting my ass at least a little bit prepared.

so why didn't i start the blog on the first day of school like i said?  because i was IGNORING IT.  i figured that if i didnt start writing about how i was feeling about this year, then maybe i might be able to skate by all these crazy, scary feelings. but no.

so here we go....while intellectually i know that my boys are going to be fine, upstanding young men, who will be able to take care of themselves and make amazing things happen in their lives, i'm not emotionally ready to let them go.  which is CRAZY.....THIS - this moment, this time - is what i have been working toward my ENTIRE ADULT LIFE....i am about to watch my first offspring fly the nest....and start making decisions for himself that will impact HIS future.  is he ready??  absolutely!  am i?  clearly not.  this is one of those times when the rubber meets the road.  has jake learned any of the lessons i've been trying to teach him?  where those lessons the RIGHT lessons to help him as he makes his way?  what will i do when he stumbles?  i just dont know.  but i do know that i have to start paying attention.  if this is the last year we have together as a family, then i need to pull my head out of the sand and EMBRACE it. which is proving to be much more difficult than i thought.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher
what i do know right this minute is that i will never again have 3 kids exactly where they are now....and where they are right now is pretty damn cool.  they are ALL on the cusp of SOMETHING.....adolescence, freedom, independence.....and i get to be here to watch them, guide them and experience it with them.  THAT is what parenting is all about.  am i the same parent today that i was when jake started middle school?  NOPE.  and i often worry that i'm not as good as i once was, or as engaged as used to be.  but ultimately i'm doing the best that i can and THAT is what has stayed consistent over the years.  yes our circumstances have changed over the years, but our ultimate goals and priorities have not.  and hopefully that will be enough....for all three of the boys.  i guess only time will tell. time that i need to start ACKNOWLEDGING :)

the cool thing about right now?  my kids are at the point where they GET IT...or most of it anyway....we are experiencing a pivotal election that will have a real impact on their future - and they will be able to remember it - especially since their mom will be shoving it down their throats most of the time. i GET to talk to them about real issues and challenge them all to THINK about the future...in real and concrete terms....its yet another responsibility and another opportunity to challenge them to BE a part of the conversation, not just a witness to it.

the most interesting conversation i have had in recent memory of course happened this summer.....i am obsessed with the newsroom - which im sure i will touch on at a later date....but in discussing it with jake, i ended up having a very long winded conversation with all of the boys about religion and politics and the role that THEY will play.  i wont bore you with the details but it started with "YOU GUYS are the SMART ones...YOU GUYS are the ones that HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION to whats going on"....and ended with josh saying "i think i need to get more information on martin luther"....which should tell you a little bit about how crazy i am and what i tell my kids.

i guess the moral of the story for me at this moment is that i need to take each day as the gift it is with the boys....and as sad as i am that this is jake's senior year, i'm also so excited for him and all that he has in store.  i just need to start looking FORWARD instead of looking BACK. 

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.  ~Mary Jean Iron