Tuesday, November 27, 2012

signs & the definition of good

i am a believer in signs.  and in things happening for a reason.  at least the small things.  and for the most part i try to listen when it seems like i'm being given a message.  so today was interesting in a lot of ways.  the most significant being that i had a conversation with a man who made such an amazing point, that it may eventually change the way i think about most everything.  and that my friends doesnt happen often.  and i LOVE it.  i love when someone challenges me to REALLY think.
so the question of the day is how do you define "good"?  as in, i believe if i am a "good" person and try to do the "right" things, then that is all GOD wants of me.  if i try to be the best that I can be, isnt that "good" enough?

good : ADJ - to be desired or approved of / 
NOUN:  that which is morally right; righteous

who gets to decide what is good enough?  is it me? or you? or ultimately HIM? i have no earthly idea.  but just like everything else in life, subjectivity rules the day.  whats good for me, may not be good for you and vice versa.  this probably makes me sound crazy, but its this kind of question that will keep my brain frazzled for days.  i immediately came home and posed the same question to my kids.  we ALL know people who have very different definitions of what "good" means.  is it dutiful? obedient? or kind? or some kind of combination? just food for thought.

how this came about?  just visiting a customer and a very nice gentleman who i see all the time asked me about Thanksgiving.  which led to a discussion on family and how fortunate i am that my grandparents are still living.  that we have 4 generations worth of advice, antics and adventure all in the same place.  which then led to some history and ultimately to religion.  because this wonderful gentleman happened to be a pastor.  you know that in deni land, that was a sign right? (i hope you are happy, colleen)

he of course invited me to come to services and i said id go.  and i will.  new churches are like that proverbial box of chocolates - you never know what you're gonna get.  but why not check it out and see.  and ironically, an old friend just happens to attend this church.  and she absolutely loves it.  i havent spoken with her in person really since she moved, but she was a close friend for many years....and someone who i trust to have some sense. and i, again, love the connection.  just one more sign pointing me back toward a path i have strayed from.

now my sister, who reads periodically, mentioned that she was surprised at the religion references in the blog.  and yet one of my friends thinks there is a decided lack of religion.  at the end of the day, the blog is just a reflection of me and all of my messy brain workings.  which  sometimes include religion....but often do not.  i wont say that i have had a crisis of conscience or anything.  i dont blame GOD for anything.  just like i dont expect HIM to fix anything for me.  to me, my faith - or lack thereof - has always just been one more part of the ever-searching ME.  sometimes things make more sense than others.  and sometimes a light bulb goes off that sends me in another direction. 

St. Thomas Aquinas – “To one who has faith, no explanation is necessary. To one without faith, no explanation is possible.”

its really a shame that i got a horrible grade on my first philosophy paper in college....i think i might have been really good at it, eventually :).  sometimes i wish i could just stop THINKING.  but then that just wouldnt be ME! 
i'll tell you what really ran thru my mind when i started to think about the whole "good" thing......on a scale of "good" ranging from lets say an axe murderer to mother theresa, i'm HOPEFULLY on the mother theresa side of the scale....but probably just barely!!  how freakin scary is that???  so maybe my "just trying to be a good person" philosophy of life needs a facelift.  maybe not. but its definitely time for some more research.  and possibly another trip to church.



Thursday, November 22, 2012

the balls to try

in light of my most recent blog, i started to think about a lot of things pertaining to parenting - why we do the things we do and where our general direction comes from.  because parenting, like so many other things, is trial and error.  its picking and choosing what we liked as kids ourselves and what we think will work - and what we think is important.  and obviously those choices are different.  its an interesting study when you think about it.  who do you consider "good" parents? and what, if anything, do they have in common?

i have to say that as i reflect about my kids, the thing i am the MOST proud of at this point is this:  they all have the balls to TRY.  they arent afraid to put themselves out there, even if it means rejection or failure.  they have learned that if you give nothing, you get nothing.  but if you give your best, sometimes you get it all!  no risk, no reward.  and to me, one of the best i can teach them.  you definitely cant win if you dont play, right?

The men who try to do something and fail are infinitely better than those who try to do nothing and succeed.  ~Lloyd Jones

the irony is that as i was jotting notes on this topic, jake randomly tweeted "honestly, if i dont get in, you dont know how many times i'm going to have to say it.  everyone knows i applied to princeton #my own fault".  and while my heart lurches a bit when i read that, i admire the shit out of him for both throwing his hat in the ring with the big boys AND admitting his vulnerability about it.  there is no guarantee he will get in.  but i respect him for trying.  and he knows that if he doesnt get in, he did everything in his power to try to make it happen.  sometimes thats all you can do.  obviously its my most fervent wish that he get in.  but i'll be as proud of him either way.  he could have chosen to take the easier, certainly less stressful route and only applied where he knows he can get in.  but he wants the challenge.  and as with all challenges, sometimes you come out on  top, and sometimes you don't.  i absolutely LOVE that he continues to rise to the occasions.


For us, there is only the trying.  The rest is not our business.  ~T.S. Eliot


and then there is my boy luke.  most would say my quietest, less "out there" child.  luke has always had a very good sense of risk/reward.  but this year its like some inner fire has been lit and he is pushing himself to new places.  he tried out for Unplugged at laplata - the acapella singing group.  you could have knocked me over when he said he wanted to try out.  but he did.  and he made it.  and apparently is rocking it out so far.  but wow, what a limb to step out on.  i love that he is putting himself out there in the spotlight a bit.  its something he has always shied away from before.  its got to be hard sandwiched between jake and josh.....one louder and bolder than the next.  but he is making his own place...and it rocks! he also tried out for jv basketball this year.  knowing that there was a good chance he wouldnt make it.  and he didn't.  basketball is not the bayers best sport, and luke has always been good but not great.  but what i think again makes him stand out is his willingness to take the chance.  i know so many kids that didnt try out because they didnt think they would make it.  and thats fine.  nothing wrong with it.  but i would much rather my kid learn how to deal with the disappointment, knowing he gave it his best shot.  life is not always sunshine and roses.  but there is pride i think in the attempt, even when you dont reach the goal.  and its his willingness to test his own limits that will set luke apart.  you know that sayiing "get knocked down 7 times, stand up 8"??  that to me IS luke.  and i love it.

There is no failure except in no longer trying.  ~Elbert Hubbard

its a little harder for josh because he's  younger.  and a whole lot more self conscious at most middle schoolers are.  but we had the same discussion about basketball (again, not our best sport).  he made the "select" team last year, but didnt play as much as he would have liked.  so when try outs came around this year, i didnt think he would want to go.  but he did.  he went and he gave it his best.  he hustled and left it all out there.  did he make it?  we dont know yet.  but either way, he knows that he tried.  and i'm glad he is starting already to make these choices.  obviously he sees his brothers.  but he could make the choice to not push.  it would have been very easy to play rec and be one of the better players - get a little more playing time and attention.  but he knows if he wants to get better, he needs to try to play with the better kids.  so go josh.

If you're doing your best, you won't have any time to worry about failure. 

i apologize if this one was a little self indulgent.  but i AM proud of them.  for a lot of reasons. i hope they never lose their determination and drive.  magic can happen when you are willing to walk out on the limbs that others might not, even if sometimes its scary.  to me its one of the best lessons.

so i'm proud, and i'm thankful.  for all of it.  every bit of failure and success.  every heartbreak and joy.  all of those experiences have put me here.  and made me the person and mother that i am.  doing my best. which is all i can do.  still putting myself out there.  its all a part of the bigger picture that i'm trying to paint for the boys.  i love that so far they seem to be seeing it!


Monday, November 19, 2012

bullies & haters


How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because some day in life you will have been all of these.  
George Washington Carver

i've been putting off writing about this with it being so close to thanksgiving and all, but i just need to get it out.  i'm amazed and ashamed at the way our generation, as parents, teachers & citizens, are continuing to accept the intolerance and ignorance of the younger generation.  and please dont take this is as a tooting of my own horn of any kind.  because i ASSUMED everyone was talking to their kids the way i do.  and i hope i'm more right than i think.....i realize its the negative that always gets the limelight, so take this with a grain of salt AND maybe as a cautionary tale.

when we were kids "the bad news bears" was a PG rated movie.  in it the words spic, fag, nigger and retard are used without thought or concern.  and we thought nothing of it....i mean i'm sure it registered somewhere that those words weren't good, but it wasnt UNACCEPTABLE like it is today.  or like it should be.  now i know i espouse the right to free speech, etc. and I DO.....BUT i am amazed at how many kids TODAY think those words are okay.  its not that i dont understand that there are biased and bigoted, or even narrow minded people out there  i understand that in certain religions, gay is not okay (although i cant even TOUCH that here).  but TOLERANCE should be and must be the priority.

Anger and intolerance are the enemies of correct understanding.  
Mohandas K. Gandhi

as i talk with my 6th grader, more and more i'm realizing that the same stupid slurs are still being tossed around.  and im shocked.  i know i shouldnt be.  but with the somewhat recent focus on bullying in schools, i thought MAYBE the kids were being taught something different.  instead what they are being taught is secrecy.  no one wants to be the one to tell the teacher or the parent.  which certainly hasnt changed, but today the very real fear is social annihilation.  between facebook, twitter, and texting you have no defense against the bullies.  and because we arent hearing about it everyday, we think the problem is getting better.  let me tell you, its not.

tumbler just put a site together listing names and contact info for every teenager they could find that spewed racist - and i mean truly disturbing - commentary regarding the election.  and if you havent seen it, you should.  if it doesnt make you want to call every one of those kids AND their parents then i dont know what will.  but it is getting any publicity? no.  has anyone heard about it? nope.  and why not??  are we so worried about making waves that we stay determined to ignore our issues?  these kids are the future generation of workers, educators, leaders and parents.  where does this vicious cycle stop??  and what are you doing about it at home?

i know in high school, the words get a bit different, but in middle school, especially with boys, the big thing is still FAG.  GAY.  HOMO.  and its been a serious battle for me, with each of my kids to get them to understand what those words MEAN.  and just how powerful words are.  sure maybe they sound funny....haha, all fun and games.  until you destroy someone who may be questioning their sexuality.  i honestly dont care what your religion tells you.  you can pray for whomever you want.  but no one has the right to tell anyone who to love.  love is never bad.  in any form.  why would we want to teach our kids that it is? 

you dont get to choose a lot of things in this life.  your skin color.  your sexual preference.  your intelligence level.  people are BORN different from each other.  we are born to different societies, different religions, different races, different cultures, different families. no one better or worse than the other.  we are born with different abilities and different desires. and its only in attempting to accept our differences that we can begin to find common ground.  but i just dont know where it will start.  tolerance has to be TAUGHT.  instead we continue to let our kids ridicule each other for being stupid or gay or black or white even.  everyone experiences it differently, but its still there.  i could go on forever with this, but just this week i've had 2 things that made me stop and think:

jake's basketball coach referred one of the kids struggling with grades to him for help and told him jake had a 5.0. his response was "damn jake, i didn't even know that was possible....where you trying to go to school?"  jake said princeton.  and this kid's response was "my parents would kill me if i tried to go there - that's a white people school".  think about that......do you think michelle obama thinks that?  why are we not talking about THAT.  we can talk equality all we want.  but our kids need to believe it for it to be real.

and josh is taking some abuse at school.....mostly on the bus.  and i'm not going to say my kid is perfect by any means.  he is a pretty normal 11 year old boy.  but he has been taught to turn the other cheek, not rise to the bait, ignore when possible.  sometimes its just not possible. and i have to say it takes everything in me to NOT call the parents of these kids who hurl this kind of garbage and ask them if they BELIEVE it?  or are they just turning a blind eye?  do we think our kids just outgrow bad behavior? do we think they just magically stop discriminating?  do they even realize they are?  would they be surprised to think that their children are capable of tormenting a fellow classmate to the point of tears?  or would they just not care.  boys will be boys after all, right?

im sick of it.  just downright pissed actually.  are we making any progress at all?  

you DONT get to choose your skin color, or your sexual preference, or your intelligence level.  but you DO get to choose your attitude about all of those things.  you DO get to decide whether  to be nice or be an ass.  you DO get to decide to part of the problem or part of the solution.  THESE are the things we should be discussing.  if you want to give someone a hard time about being a dick, or lazy, or mean, go for it.  they are choosing to be those things. but how can we not learn to see past our innate differences?  we have to.  or at some point we will literally implode as a society.

how hard can it be to teach your kids to BE NICE for fucks sake.  



Wednesday, November 14, 2012

cookies and pb xmas trees


The belly rules the mind. ~Spanish Proverb

i'm guessing i'm not the only person out there who has a food trigger.  now i have ALWAYS had a serious relationship with food.  to the point that i could PROBABLY get away with attending one of those crazy food addict classes.  i may not look like it (or maybe i do), but food is my crutch.  i'm not one of those go home and  have a glass of wine or beer kind of people.... especially after a bad day.  as a matter of fact, i really only like to drink when i'm having fun.  when i feel yucky or sad or just plain blah, i always always reach for food. 

the ridiculous irony in all of this is that i have my specialty cert for my personal training in nutrition...which is laughable at best, and horrifying at worst.  unless you do as i SAY and not as i DO.  i absolutely KNOW the right answers.  i know how to eat healthy and have read and studied it fairly extensively.  again, food is my obsession so it makes some kind of wacked out sense that not only do i like to EAT food, i also like to read about it!

i have dragged my friends and clients through some very interesting food experiments over the years.  and what i have totally come to realize is that FOOD, but like fitness is unique to the individual.  should you eat 5x a day or 3?  well i'm hear to tell you that "grazing" only works if you are serious about measuring your food.  cuz if you are anything like me and you eat 5x a day, you are going to up your calorie intake by 60%.

with all that being said, it still makes me laugh at myself when i reach for a giant frosting covered sugar cookie....you know the ones you buy prepackaged that have colored icing and sprinkles of some kind....the ones that are 6000 calories EACH...i love them.  LOOOOVEEE them.  and i know i absolutely should not eat them...EVER.  its like sucking down a bag of sugar.  i may as well take them out of the package and glue them to my ass.  but then i wouldnt get to loooove them while i was eating them!!

now when things are going well, i dont even let myself buy them.  you know, even though they are also josh's favorite thing.  because i know if they are in the house, i will obsess over them until they are gone.  which is RIDICULOUS.  i live in the land of junk food.  there are about 15 candy bars in my fridge and 6 bags of chips in my closet.  i buy toaster strudel and pop tarts and double stuff oreos on the regular.  and aside from the chips, i dont ever touch that stuff.  its the DAMN SUGAR COOKIES!! 

and then reese's decided to conspire against me.  back in the day, when i was pregnant with jake, my obsession with reese peanut butter eggs started.  i probably ate 400 thousand of them in the month before i delivered.  and i looked forward to those eggs every year.  i can take or leave regular reese cups (altho i do like them smashed up in a blizzard), but for some reason the amazingness of the combination in EGG form, sends me over the edge.  and luckily for me, for YEARS it was only the eggs.  but NOW, i can get reese EGGS, HEARTS, PUMPKINS and now CHRISTMAS TREES...so basically there is more time when the yummy shapes are available than not.  im so screwed.  and i have ZERO willpower.  its a giant weakness.  really the ONLY recourse i have is to leave them in my car, so MAYBE they will melt.  because i hate melty chocolate.  so sometimes i buy them at the checkout counter at wawa, then leave them sitting in my car all day to see if they melt.  its like some kind of cosmic test.  can i hold out all day?  and will they be melty by the time i give in?  its a sickness.

i'm bringing this up tonight because i've had a little string here of not terrible, just not great days.  and that is when i find i am at my least able to resist point.  when i'm feeling really good, i work out more, which makes me more able to not shove my face.  when i'm feeling super bad, i feel guilty when i eat (believe me, that doesnt happen often).  and when i'm just a little down, i consume food.  i do all the wrong things.  fast food, chips, cookies.  its like if i already feel yucky, i may as well eat yummy food.  like it will help. when we all know that eventually it will just make me feel bad.  and with any luck at all re-jump start a workout fit of some kind.  its a neverending cycle.

only exacerbated by those stupid sugar cookies.  and the damn reese peanut butter christmas trees.  i'm sure you've all heard the slogan "food is fuel". well in my world, it not only feeds the body, it also feeds my neurosis!! 

the moral of this story....never ever ever take any kind of nutrition advice from me.  never

Everything I eat has been proved by some doctor or other to be a deadly poison, and everything I don't eat has been proved to be indispensable for life. But I go marching on. ~George Bernard Shaw

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

the anti-pottery barn

let me just say right up front that i was born without any kind of decorating gene.  in fact, i think the reason i have 3 boys and 3 dogs is to make it acceptable that my house always looks like a small bomb went off in it.  i dont care about furniture or wall stuff.  i have only the window treatments my mother in law insisted on, and mismatched everything else.  its really no wonder my mother shudders when she comes here.  and its not like i dont APPRECIATE a beautiful home.  i absolutely LOVE walking in to those amazing homes with STYLE...you know what i'm talking about - you all have friends (or maybe are that person yourself) whose house is just RIDICULOUS.....everything looks like it was ripped out of a catalog....my college roommate has this picture perfect house in rhode island that makes me feel like i need to go back to school to learn how to decorate a house correctly.  but alas, i'm not going to.  i'm going to keep rocking my backwards ass, stunted approach to just keeping furniture in the house.

what brought this up?  well you see, today started out like any other, except i had to drive 90 minutes in the rain to a meeting.  which as you can imagine, pissed me off.  long story short, nothing BAD happened, but i had a series of small irritations all day - not the least of which was upending a sample bottle of grease lift in my brand spanky new, super deal of the century coach bag.  dont you just HATE when that shit happens??  its clearly not end of the world stuff, but its just SO ANNOYING!  so now i'm grumpy....actually id say SUPER grumpy.  and i walked into the house after work, and it was just a freakin DISASTER! now this should come as no surprise due to the 3 boys/3 dogs thing, but for some reason today it just set me off.  i HATE cleaning.  like DETEST it.  with a GIANT FLAMING PASSION.  i have a friend who loves it.  says it relaxes her.  i think she is brain damaged.

probably the very first thing i promised myself when i went back to work full time was that i would not have to clean the house.  seemed like a reasonable reward.  i couldnt really rationalize NOT cleaning the house when  i was home all day, but really with work, its all i can do to keep up with laundry and run the vacuum.  and that's when i make myself.  the solution seemed simple right.  hire a company to clean.  EXCEPT that every company i found wanted you to pick up all your shit so they could clean.  so i found myself cleaning for my cleaning people.  which is ridiculous.  if i have time to pick up, i can run the damn vacuum and dust right?  super frustrating.  but eventually i found the PERFECT person who would actually pick up AND clean...and she quickly became my favorite person on earth.  i knew that every other tuesday i would come home and magically everything would smell great and be sparkly.  PERFECTION!  and boy did that totally spoil me.  when i felt like going on a tear, i could clean out closets or whatever, because i always knew my house would be cleaned.  did i say i LOVED my cleaning lady.  LOVED her.  and then she had to stop working to deal with her own family things.  which i totally understand.  but i have been sincerely unable to recover from it.

we tried someone else - but cooper scared her to death.  shocker. so here i am, still no cleaning lady (go ahead, say poor deni) and GRUMPY!!  you heard grumpy right?  and periodically losing my shit.  because now i have to pick up AND clean.  and i have a giant white dog.  GIANT.  and a house surrounded by ten million trees.  so between leaves and dog hair, my house usually looks like a storm blew through.  and today i just LOST IT.  in the way only  a non decorator type person can.....i threw shit out.  that's usually my answer to most irritating house things - i start chucking things...today it just so happened to be my couch cushions!  who DOES THAT??  what's even better is that after the whole vacuuming/freaking out episode, i dragged my 17 year old BOY to the store to help me SHOP FOR REPLACEMENTS.....THAT is how you know you dont have any decorator bones in your body.  ZERO.

the good news is that i feel better :).  the bad news is that i'm not sure my new couch cushions match.  jake is a little color blind and neither one of us ever matches anyway.  but for today at least none of my couch cushions have ANY dog hair on them.  and THAT my friends is considered decorating success in the bayer house!!

We’re really into comfort. Not some abstract idea of what a comfortable room should be, but real comfort—the kind where you can happily drift off for an hour or two with your dog at your feet.”Decorator Jeffrey Alan Marks

Monday, November 12, 2012

those moments

What day is it?"
It's today," squeaked Piglet.
My favorite day," said Pooh.”
A.A. Milne


the VOICE is one of my favorite shows.  i like it because i'm in awe of the talent AND i dont have to sit through any embarassing tryouts like on american idol.  i have zippy skippy desire to watch ANYONE embarass themselves - which i know makes me in the very small minority, but i just dont get why anyone takes pleasure in that stuff.  but i also cant watch any reality shows.  no honey boo boo, or real housewives.  no ice road truckers or deadliest catch. no bachelor or big brother.  i find it all completely ridiculous.  and probably my least favorite show of ALL TIME is storage wars.  probably because every time i walk into my family room its on.....well that or american chopper.  i have enough of my own drama, i dont need to watch anyone elses.  i want my entertainment to be completely fictional.  and while i apparently am venting about it, i sincerely dont understand america's fascination with watching other people make jackasses out of themselves.  you want to watch drunk idiots, go to your local bar.  you want to watch bitchy women, go to bunco. you want to watch guys try to one up each other, go to any weekend sporting event.  but i digress.

i'm watching the voice with my kids, which is one of our few rituals, and while we are discussing who we like and why, jake looks at me and says - how many more people do you think will vote for this tonight than say for their own governor?  and while i'm glad he gets that, its just a super sad truth about the society we live in.  i wonder if they let you vote in the next election by text or on itunes if we would have more voter turnout! might be worth a shot. 

so anyway, we were observing that our favorites from last week didnt do nearly as well this week, song choices, etc when one of the judges made the comment that everyone was talented, so it all boiled down to who made the most of their MOMENT.  who took the opportunity to shine.  and its ironic that from week to week, those people are different. you would think that those with the most talent would consistently show it.....but often its the person who you arent really sure about that steps up and bowls you over.  and i absolutely love that.  again, i know i'm in the minority but THAT is what makes me want to watch a reality show.  people bringing their BEST to the table.  INSPIRE me...rise to the occasion....take your moment and OWN it!!

“The purpose of life is to live it, to taste experience to the utmost, to reach out eagerly and without fear for newer and richer experience.”  ― Eleanor Roosevelt


sometimes the moments that mean the most are the ordinary ones.  sitting in the kitchen making dinner and doing homework.  watching tv or playing with the pups.  but sometimes there are BIG moments....weddings and births.  graduations and promotions. championships and awards.  opportunities to really shine.  it doesnt have to be on a grand scale.  just those moments when you get to snap a picture in your mind and think "i will NEVER forget this moment".  i hope if i've learned anything this year, its to be aware of those moments.  i hope i've passed on to the boys how to make the most of theirs, and to appreciate whatever comes their way.  you never know when YOUR moment is going to come along, but you have to be ready for it when it does.  you have to face each day as the opportunity for it.  be open to all you have to offer and be ready to lay it on the line when you need to.  make the most of your moments, whether big or small.  because really the sum of your life when you look back on it will be those moments.....and you want to make sure when you pull them back out and look, you are proud because you know you made the most of them.

“You must live in the present, launch yourself on every wave, find your eternity in each moment. Fools stand on their island of opportunities and look toward another land. There is no other land; there is no other life but this.”  ― Henry David Thoreau















who knew parents were fun

i think every generation believes that they, and only they, have the market cornered on fun.  there's no way anyone older than them can possibly be fun....even if they were "in their day", now they are just OLD. i mean, right?  my kids think i'm old and no fun - and CLEARLY they are mistaken.....so why should i be any different. now in my defense, i totally recognize that my parents definitely had fun.....they have life long friends who have over the  years been cohorts for all kinds of stuff, ranging from bowling to mah jong to poker.  but i also forgot how much absolute FUN my parents have always had with music.  i love to dance.  my kids love to dance.  and big shocker - so does my MOTHER!!  and she ROCKS.  now i knew this.  i've grown up watching her and my aunt jean hand dance their way through every occasion where we could find a reason to play music.  but it occurred to me tonight for the first time in a long time, just how super fun my parents can be.  and got a small glimpse into one of the things that has probably helped keep them together all this time.

i should go back and say, my best memories of being at my house center around what we call "the big room".  silly name for a room that we were never allowed to go in, except when we had company - but it was over the garage and hence, the biggest room in our house.  in the "big room" stands a cabinet - which is definitely older than me - and contains a reel-to-reel music player and a real live RECORD player...with 4 speeds and everything....that sucker will play anything and everything that was made prior to tapes.....it was in the big room that we celebrated holidays and had our family functions.  but more importantly, it was the room with the MUSIC.  it was where my mom attempted to teach us all how to hand dance and do the hustle, and where invariably all the kids would end up sitting down to watch how cool all the grown ups were.

Each generation imagines itself to be more intelligent than the one that went before it, and wiser than the one that comes after it. George Orwell
 
there are many many things i've learned from my parents. and i one of the things i have ALWAYS known is how lucky i am to have had 2 parents who not only stayed together, but put us first.  they both did a lot of things i'm sure they didnt want to so that my sisters and i had everything we needed.  and when i look back, for the most part i think about what they TAUGHT me....sitting at dinner every night discussing the world and politics and ethics.  it was usually pretty heavy stuff, but they made us all think for ourselves.  they challenged us to be our best, and helped up get wherever we wanted to go.  they were and are amazing parents.  but with that being said, i'm glad i got the reminder about the "other" stuff too.
 
i got my love of sports from my dad, but its my mom who is the serious competitor.  i got my love of music from my dad, but its my mom who is the dancer.  just a great combination that i'm not sure i appreciated before.  and i absolutely LOVE seeing them together, with their friends, having fun.  not only does it make me happy as a daughter, but it gives me hope for the future.  maybe our definition of "fun" changes as we get older....maybe it doesnt....but life is as much fun as you make it, whatever your age.  now i dont consider going to ihop fun, but i bet my 89 year old grandparents think it is.  and they do it EVERY SINGLE DAY.  i wonder if my parents look at THEM and think, wow- i hope in 20 years we are still going to breakfast every day.  maybe the "fun" gets simpler over time.  maybe we dont expect as much.  or maybe its always the same.  i'm just glad to know its always out there.
 
i guess i'm just getting sentimental, but as i sat there watching my parents dance last night, it literally brought tears to my eyes.  i've always known that they were a great example of PARENTING.  i just don't think i've given them enough credit in the COUPLE department.  they been together for 55 years (yes, you read that right) and been married for 47.  clearly they are doing something right. in my mind i think i always just thought they were both too stubborn to quit.  which i admire, don't get me wrong.  and i know they appreciate each other and the roles they play.  but it took seeing them together OUT, away from all the day to day stress, to make me SEE them as a couple.  and it was just amazing to see how SOLID and TOGETHER they are.  and yes, they are absolutely FUN. so go mom and dad!!
 
just like i will never be able to hear "still of the night" and not think of my dad, i will never be able to watch anyone hand dance and not think of mom and aunt jean.  i'm not sure if that's odd or not :)  but i love both of those memories.  i didnt realize how dear a place in my heart they held until last night.  i hope when my kids are my age, they are able to look back and appreciate what they had growing up, but also to look at us and think "wow, they still got it"!  i feel like i'm always saying appreciate each day with your kids -which you know you should.  but i'll add to that today - hug your parents if they are still with you.  dont take them for granted.  foibles and all, they are the foundation of everything you have and are today.  and if you are smart or serious or crazy or fun - no matter in what combination, you know you can trace it to somehow somewhere to your parents.  maybe you have to look a little deeper for the crazy or the fun, but i bet you its in there :)
 
 
 

 

Friday, November 9, 2012

may the road rise up

do you ever have a moment when you realize something that is just totally STRANGE to you.  an instant of WOW...i cant believe that's ME??  i think sometimes changes are profound - you gain perspective or experience that moves you in a new direction.  but sometimes change just kind of happens.....and you wake up one day in a different place.

of all the things that i have come to realize this year, both big and small, i find this really small, insignificant change to be amazingly representative of where i've come to be in my life. and ironically, it involves running. of all things. 

i guess by now, if you've read the blog with any consistency, you know about my love/hate relationship with running - its evolved from a hate/hate, so i'm at least growing a little bit.  now in my mind, i will NEVER be a "runner".  i dont ever get the runner's "high" and i really don't enjoy it.  HOWEVER, its become symbolic for me in so many ways.  what started out as a tribute to laura, took on a life of its own - as running became that THING that was so hard for me to do, but something i promised myself i wouldn't take for granted.  again, in my own mind i run for those i've lost who would give anything to be able to run again.  so of course its also always emotional.  i can tell you i cry more when i run than just about anyone i've ever heard of....which is ridiculous...and EMBARASSING.  and probably a bit crazy to anyone who happens to be near me when it happens.

i ran the first leg of the RELAY at the baltimore marathon this year.  6 miles - straight uphill.  it SUCKED.  but i'm making the best of it- cool atmosphere - zillions of people - good weather. and yet, STILL running UPHILL....so just about the time i'm getting ready to say "f this", i crest the hill.  i get hit full in face with the rising sun - and my ipod starts to play "shinin on me" by jerrod niemann....(which of course is when i tear up)

Today the sun is shinin' on me
Sitting with my feet in the breeze
Ain't sweating the little things
And who knows what tomorrow is gonna bring
But today, the sun, shinin' on me

it was just one of those MOMENTS that hit you and you think "damn, i'm so lucky to be here".  it didn't make the RUN any more fun, but it  made the moment a million times more significant.....which in turn made the run totally worthwhile.  and its those kind of moments that keep me signing up for stuff.  that and trish, who has become my running partner - who i thank in my head almost every day, but not nearly enough to her face.  without her PRESENCE, her determination, her motivation, i'm pretty sure a whole heck of alot of my running would have fallen by the wayside.  its just another one of those interesting life things.....people come to you when you need them to.  i've always told my kids (in the life isnt fair discussion) that you get what you need when you need it.  i'm starting to believe that goes for people as well.  i didn't know i needed a running buddy until i got one.  so many people have come into my life that have filled very specific needs that i wasnt even aware of.  and i'm so grateful about that most of all.  i hope you know you are and that i truly do appreciate (in no particular order) the shoulder to cry on, the ear for the work bitchfest, the lunch partner, the running buddy, the bff, the blog loyalist, the motivator, the support......you know the list goes on, but you get the idea.

like most things that i ramble about, the biggest changes for me are always internal.  back in march, when i ran my first half marathon, i bought a charm that said "mind over miles".....because for me, it wasnt so much the run, but what the run signified.  it was a HUGE milestone for me.  i never in a million years expected to be able to run 13.1 miles.  i made excuses for YEARS about why it just wasnt possible.....and my staple and go to was always that i just couldnt run that far bc of my knees.  or maybe really because i was just a wimp.  because obviously i CAN run that far.  but i believe the mental obstacle was so much bigger than the physical one.  i trained and worried and stressed about that first set of 13.1 like i was going to the olympics.  it was the day i proved to myself that it could be done.  its THAT mental awakening that led to the shift.

i am signed up to run another 13.1 on saturday....8 months from the first one.  8 insane months later.  8 months full of stress and work and life and kids and no time.....so have i trained?  nope.  am i worried?  nope.  because not only do i KNOW i can do it, i get to SHOW UP for it.  if anyone  had ever in a million years said to me that i would be someone that would just show up to a half-marathon, i'd have laughed them out of the house.  i still absolutely do not consider myself a runner.  i KNOW saturday is going to absolutely suck in terms of how long it will take me and how badly it will hurt.  but i'm doing it anyway.  and i know i'll make it.  because i can.  and i'm lucky enough to even be able to try.  and because dammit, life is too short to not show up and give it my best.

“May the road rise up to meet you, may the wind be ever at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face and the rain fall softly on your fields.

And until we meet again, May God hold you in the hollow of his hand.”



Wednesday, November 7, 2012

awwkwaard

don't you love when you miss the joke?  or when you walk in to a SUPER awkward situation?  one of my very best friends likes to start making a very loud "LALALALALA" noise every time she's around me and kris when we start to argue.  its funny really - but probably not so much to her.  she's also the the friend that clearly missed the HARD FACE memo in the picture....its very difficult to send a "no seriously, we WILL fuck you up" picture, when one of the people in said picture is smiling and waving....but there you go.  2 of us are gonna fuck a bitch up, and one of us is gonna buy you a beer :) 
what made me think of this?  well a lot of stuff really, but mostly this.  i'm driving josh (my 11 year old) to basketball tonight and he's reading his favorite random facts app.  and whenever he laughs, he reads them out loud to me - so after 2 of these, i say, just read them out loud. and the VERY NEXT "random fact" that pops up?  a CIRCLE JERK is another name for when a group of men MASTURBATE together.  i thought he was going to DIE....of course he stopped after reading "circle jerk" out loud (thankfully), but then turned four shades of purple and said to me "of course that's next, mom".  i'm not sure whether i was more embarrassed that someone would actually think we need to know that or whether my 6th grader knew to stop when he read it....but i won't go there - he is after all my 3rd boy.

AWKWARD:
Synonyms:
clumsy - ungainly - unhandy - maladroit - gawky - gauche

there are just so many stupidly awkward situations.  if you look up awkward, which i did of course, you get a MILLION "that awkward moment when...." quotes.  and unfortunately, i think i've lived them all. and i'm pretty sure i'm not alone (right???).  somehow they are even worse when your kids OR your parents are involved....and i admit, i have a pretty openly funny relationship with my kids, but trying to discuss safe sex or sex in general with your teenage boy is awkward ... no matter what.  of course we live through it all, but you seriously need a giant sense of humor to make it!!

there are alot of different kinds of awkward.  people.  situations.  conversations.  been there done that.  and for the most part, depending on the circumstance, i can either laugh, or just push through it.  i prefer laugh.  because trying to bully through awkward just makes it MORE awkward.  so much so that sometimes you just have to leave....or maybe that's just me.  watching anchorman with my in-laws.....i ABSOLUTELY left the room....watching ron burgundy follow christina applegate thru a news room with a giant woody and trying not to laugh while sitting next to my mother in law (who doesnt think the word "sucks" is appropriate) was too much, even for me.  and i find myself on the random occasion yelling into another room full of 18 year old boys "I'M STILL HERE"....which is funny, and yet still awkward.

i'm going here tonight because i also had a fairly awkward SERIOUS conversation today related to the election.  which is why i HATE talking about this stuff with people.  no one likes to feel awkward.  i dont agree.  period.  that doesnt mean i wont listen.  but a lot of you have met me - its going to take more than a few texts about ANYTHING to change my mind.  so let's just agree to disagree and move on.  and when we can't?  THAT is how things digress from awkward to uncomfortable to unsalvageable. luckily today went from uncomfortable to silent :)  friendship saved!!  but there are just some things you don't recover from, or at least not easily.  and isnt that the most miserable feeling.  no matter what, after something ridiculously awkward occurs, dont you just beat yourself up....i shoudve said or done whatever.  maybe its just me and i'm weirdly obsessive, but the AFTER awkward for me is even worse than the actual moment.  i did mention i was crazy, right?

anyhow, i thought maybe today, since yesterday was so stressful on so many different fronts, i'd try something a bit more interactive and NOT serious....and see how it goes.  so post here, on facebook, or just text or email me your "favorite" awkward moments.  see if you can beat me and my "circle jerk" night :)  believe me, it'll be good for a laugh - and i think we all could use one :)



Tuesday, November 6, 2012

$1billion dollars

"The right to vote is the foundation of any democracy. Yet most Americans do not realize that we do not have a constitutionally protected right to vote. While there are amendments to the U.S. Constitution that prohibit discrimination based on race (15th), sex (19th) and age (26th), no affirmative right to vote exists"

i promise that this will not be political, so much as observant.  just a few things i have found super interesting this election cycle, both as a student of politics and as a marketing "professional".  we as a people have gotten so far away from what it means to be ABLE to vote that we can no longer see the forest for the trees.  we have become so INDOCTRINATED to being told what to do and what to think by the media, that we have forgotten how to think for ourselves and do our own research.  this election more than any other i can remember will come down to who has the best "spin" and who did the best job of spreading their version of the truth.  all elections are like this to some degree.  its the nature of the beast.  but this go around, somewhere in the neighborhood of $1-2 BILLION DOLLARS has been spent trying to convince the public of things that in many cases just clearly are not true.  and we BELIEVE it...or a lot of it.  which validates the process and the ridiculous amount of money spent.

can anyone think of anything better we might have spent  A BILLION dollars on?  do you think the people in breezy point or the jersey shore would like FEMA to have some of that right about now?  our priorities as a nation are so incredibly fucked up.  and no ONE person will be able to fix it.  we should stop expecting that our PRESIDENT will have all the answers.  these are just men.  hopefully bright, honest men.  but just men nonetheless.  with all of the imperfections and flaws of everyone else. they try to shed the best light that they can on their actions, and convince people that theirs is the best plan of action.  agree or disagree.  that's all you can do.  but for gods sake PAY ATTENTION.  be open minded.  no one on this earth is going to agree with everything you do.  there is no chance that a candidate will come along that will embody EVERY one of our hopes and goals for the future.  its a matter of personal priority. 

"A vote is like a rifle: its usefulness depends upon the character of the user."
Theodore Roosevelt
 
i'm wondering if its possible for ANY of us to look at the bigger picture?  economic cliffs, personal liberties, environmental concerns.....they are ALL equally concerning.  but unfortunately need to be prioritized.  way easier said than done.  no one wants anyone else's rights infringed upon.  no one wants to fall off the economic cliff.  no one wants to live in a barren wasteland.  but some of these things are more important than others, completely depending on your point of view.  if you are a gay man or woman and can not get legally married, then you are most concerned with individual liberty.  if you are approaching retirement and have all of your money tied up in the market, you are most worried about the economy.  if you just got your home devastated by a crazy storm, you are probably now in the environment category.  and there are so many other different "categories" to choose from.....and none are more or less significant than the other.
 
so what is the answer?  just go vote.  do your part.  make your voice heard.  even if you believe the election is unfair, or discriminates against minorities, or just doesnt matter to you....you MUST exercise your ABILITY to vote.  because it is NOT your right!  it is NOT guaranteed under the constitution.  its a FREEDOM that we, the land of the unsatisfied, unhappy and selfish TAKE FOR GRANTED.  you dont like the leaders?  run for office.  you dont like the system?  try to fix it.  you think america sucks?  pick up your shit and go.  because guess what?  you GET to live here.  you GET to watch the million different cable channels and their $1Billion ads.  you GET to go on twitter and facebook and bitch and whine and complain.  you GET to bash the men and women who step up to the plate and at least TRY to do something about it.

"Half of the American people have never read a newspaper. Half never voted for President. One hopes it is the same half."

maybe i'm crazy.  but i think you should have to take a test to vote.  so sue me.  and hope i never get elected to a seat anywhere.  and i'm sure i'm not the only one that thinks that way.  so some day, some where along the line, you may REALLY find your way to the voting booth difficult.  today, at this point, the only thing you need to vote in this country is a pulse and an id.  and sometimes not even an id.  so you better do it while you can. and if you dont, you have no one to blame but yourself.  it may not be the best system in the world, but its the one we've got. and right now the only way you have to weigh in.  and i dont honestly care WHERE you stand on whatever issue is making you vote, i only care that participate in the process.  while you still can.  because eventually someone is going to start spending that 1-2 billion dollars figuring out why you shouldnt and how you can't!

 
 

Saturday, November 3, 2012

the new reality

i'm not sure how many times i'm going to be reminded lately that life is not fair.  in some ways it's easy to be philosophical about it.  and in other ways its just not ok.  i realize that every family suffers loss. and every person deals with it differently.  but probably the hardest part about losing tiff is the toll it takes on her mother.  not that her husband or children or brother or father suffer any less.  its just that at least outwardly they are seeming to cope better.  di can not and should not have to accept the new "normal" of their reality.  and who can blame her?
she is on the front lines every single day watching tiffs kids try to adjust to life without their mom.  and trying to fill the void that she left.  which is impossible.  its not a void that can be filled.  no one will ever be tiff.  no one will ever be their mom or her daughter.  certainly there are people who can try to fill her ROLE, but no one will every be tiff or do things in her unique way.  and that is unfortunately the new reality.  and its totally unfair.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
so the struggle to figure out and rationalize how to explain and help a 13 year old girl get through adolescence without her mother begins.  will she be ok? absolutely.  payton is, if nothing else, her mothers daughter. she is strong willed and resilient.  that doesnt mean she wont need help and that help at least right
now falls on her grandmother.  2 generations of women missing the link between them, forging a new bond
together.  there is only so much someone outside of the circle can do.  clearly we are too far away to be of any real daily assistance.  and for the rest of the community of friends and extended family, live goes on.  which leaves this very small group learning how best to cope. 

kids are resilient.  parents not so much.  kids live in the "now".....their reality is what comes at them each day.  and thats how they tend to tackle things....moment to moment.  parents live in the past and the future.  we look back over all that we've had and we project all of the things to come.  di sees what payts life would have and should have been like.  payt only sees what it is.  from both viewpoints life isnt fair.  but di's has a lot more detail.  and no one can make that pain of losing that vision of the future any better.  so its a daily loss.  every single day, every time ANYTHING happens, all di can think is "tiff should be here".  and she's exactly right.  tiff SHOULD be here.  and yet, she isn't.  and its so truly unfair.

“A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." agatha christie
but we must go on.  SHE must go on.  all of the what ifs and if onlys in the world wont change what IS.  its hard accepting that.  its hard trying to lend a hand or offer advice when there is nothing that can possibly do any good.  all we can do is remember.  all the good.  even the bad.  its all a part of what made tiff so special.  what made her an amazing mother.  and how we will pass it along to payt.  no one wanted to have to fill tiff's role.  but someone one does.  actually we all do, to whatever extent we can.  but primarily, at least right now it falls to di.  its her new reality.

along with so many of my other posts this year, i just want to remind you to hug your kids a bit tighter.  todays reality could be gone tomorrow.  appreciate every single minute- every single day you get to spend together.  there will be a time when its no longer there.  and that reality is way harder than this one.
Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.  ~Montaigne

Thursday, November 1, 2012

great expectations

Don't lower your expectations to meet your performance. Raise your level of performance to meet your expectations. Expect the best of yourself, and then do what is necessary to make it a reality.

in the wake of the storm i was so happy to see everyone pulling together, like everyone else out there i'm sure.  it was a refreshing change from the divisive  politics of late to see people lending a hand and reaching across whatever divides they might have.  im just so sorry it takes a tragedy to make us ignore those lines.

i've learned a lot of valuable lessons throughout my life, and while i still struggle (a lot) with looking at and for the bright side, i hope i've taken to heart the one about reaching out.  it doesnt always work.  and i dont ALWAYS do it.  i can hold a grudge with the best of them.  and i realize that makes me immature. and i realize that it doesnt hurt anyone but me. but i would say for the most part, i try.  i try to do what's right.  i try to look at things from more than one point of view.  and i expect the same from others.

does that set me up for failure? sometimes yes.  but i still think its up to us to set high expectations.  i think we've become a society of the lowest common denominator and its upsetting.  we expect bad behavior.  we expect to not get along.  and i think we need to start setting our goals higher.  as individuals and as a society.  no matter what your political affiliation may be, i think we can all agree that somewhere along the line, we broke the system.  and it needs real reform.  it means we all need to bite the bullet a bit.  one group, one class, one party won't fix it. its going to take a collective effort.  or the choice will be taken out of our hands.

to me, the beginning of the end was when we started giving out awards for participating.  everyone gets a trophy.  (you know i'm going to relate this to sports right?).....when did we start telling ourselves and our kids that life was fair?  and that everyone is the same?  everyone has the same POTENTIAL to be great. but definitely not in the same ways.  i like to think i'm a fairly good writer.  but im horrible at anything mechanical.  we are not all the same.  we dont have the same aptitudes.  just like some people are good at math and science, other people are good athletes, or artists.  we shouldnt be lowering the bar to even out the playing field.  we should be raising it up so that everyone has to reach for it.   you dont get a participation award for life.  and you shouldnt get rewarded for just showing up.  you have to contribute.  excel, even.


i walked into the new gym opening up a few weeks ago (during my blogging blackout) and the first thing the girl at the counter said to me was "this is a judgement free zone".  and i'm sure you will all be shocked to learn, i laughed and walked out.  really? the GYM is a judgement free zone.  sue me, but i thought the point of the gym was to make yourself BETTER.  healthier at the very least.  when did we decide that rather than hurt anyone's feelings, we would just ignore what is right in front of us?  we are turning into a nation of overweight, unhealthy, lazy people.  because somewhere along the line we lowered our expectations.  it became okay to be just okay.  god forbid we offend anyone.  guess what?  life isnt fair.  and the lessons that we should be learning and teaching when we DON'T reach our goals are getting fewer and far between.  not everyone is an all-star.  not everyone gets in.  but that doesn't mean you shouldnt TRY! and that doesnt mean you should set those expectations.  its okay to fail.  its NOT okay to not try.  its the effort that makes us better.

i think what makes this election so disappointing to me is that everyone promises and expects a simple answer.  believe me, if the answers were simple, the problems would already be fixed.  but we don't want to hear that.  we want it to be easy.  we want it to be FAIR.  we want to keep everything that we already have - oh and everyone else too.  because we are entitled to it.  its not our job to contribute to the solution.  its our job to complain when we dont like how its being done. or not done, as the case usually goes.

its time to wake up.  be honest.  the problems we face wont be fixed by the "we all get a trophy" mentality.  there are hard choices ahead.  someone is going to come out on top, and someone is going to pay a bigger price.  but we have to set our expectation HIGH.  we have to expect our government AND our citizens to see the bigger picture.  to TRY to do the right thing.  just like there is no quick fix, no magic pill, to make you skinny, there is no quick fix to our problems.  it will take hard work....on a regular basis.  it will take giving up some of the things we most love.  it will mean fewer indulgences.  but the reward for our effort will be STRENGTH.  and PRIDE.  knowing you've done something that was HARD to do is one of the best feelings in the world.  it may not seem like it at the time.  it may suck the whole time.  but when you reach your goal, you SHINE!

lets set the bar HIGH...lets reach up.  push our limits.  expect GREAT things.  let's each of us do the BEST we can with what we've got.

“It's not about what it is, it's about what it can become.”
Dr. Seuss, The Lorax