18. for the last time

Life is a long road on a short journey. ~James Lendall Basford 

life has a funny way of passing by while you are busy doing other things.  i would swear that it was just 5 minutes ago that i was running around like a chicken, chasing 3 young boys around.  constantly feeling exhausted and yet completely entertained.  years and years of travel ball schedules and juggling sports.  and one by one my boys outgrew the need for that constant attention.  they got drivers licenses and a bit of freedom, and slowly we seemed to no longer have that crazy constant madness.  and im sure i noticed it at the time - kind of.  but i didnt realize fully what it meant.

The years teach much which the days never knew. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

tomorrow is Josh's 18th.  my baby.  the last of my boys to pass thru to adulthood.  and while nothing will change specifically tomorrow - the moment brings with it a ton of reflection.  because parenting has transitioned for me from a full time job into a more consultative role.  and i never really expected that.  and definitely wasnt emotionally prepared for it.  not that Josh doesnt need me.  or the other boys for that matter.  but what they need FROM me is very different these days. 

my boys are all adults.  legally.  they have every right to just go be their own people.  without my input.  which is CA-RAZY. i mean, who doesnt need my input??  and this is where i start to realize that all the work i put in - all the daily lessons in right and wrong & manners & goal setting & following through - THIS is where it either worked, or it didnt.  and WOW is that a humbling, and scary feeling.

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings. ~William Hodding Carter

as i look back, i have to wonder if all the things i THOUGHT were important, were actually important.  did i focus on the right things?  did i fall short in places that are going to negatively impact them later in life?  which one of my kids is going to grow up vacuuming everyday because our house was always a mess?  which one will want to really learn to cook so their family will have good dinners together?  which one will adopt 3 dogs because they cant imagine not having a house full of dog hair?  but more importantly, will they all have the tools that they need to be successful.

not that i dont ALWAYS worry about that stuff.  but now it just seems more IMMINENT.  did i do a good job?  did we?  are my boys going to be concerned, participatory, thoughtful, respectful adults?  are they going to be compassionate, and kind to others.  did they learn those kinds of lessons, along with the brush your teeth, say please and thank you lessons?  who knows what they actually absorbed.  and now, its kind of too late to go back and try to change what i may not have done well. or even recognized.  are my kids happy?  i mean at the end of the day, isnt THAT the goal?  but we push them in so many directions when they are young that i'm not quite sure we tell them that.  just be happy.  in this crazy day and age, that is hard enough all by itself.

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~Madeleine L'Engle

i can say this.  not to brag.  but my kids are all pretty damn cool.  they are polite in the presence of adults.  they talk like truck drivers in my house, but that was not a hill i chose to die on.  much to the dismay of several relatives :).  its all of those small choices that i stew over.  did i push Jake too hard?  did i provide Luke all the opportunities he should have had?  did i check out on Josh?  i parented them all so differently.  which is a difficult acknowledgement.  i felt at the time that i was doing the same things for all of them.  but i wasnt.  i couldnt.  i stayed home for the majority of Jakes' life.  he was in middle school before i ever worked at all during the day.  and with that trickle down, i didnt work full time until he was in high school - but that meant that during all of those transition years, all the boys had different experiences.  they had different amounts of my time and attention.  and while the overall right and wrong stuff didnt change, what we focused on the daily certainly did. how much did that matter?

in the grand scheme of life, i think we did pretty good. i couldnt love my kids more or be more proud.  but more than that i LIKE them.  i like the adults that they are, and the men they are becoming.  for all of their quirks, they are all so uniquely, independently & definitively their own men.  and also the very best parts of me.  and their dad.  they got some of the bad things, and they are by no means perfect - but they are beautiful, incredible men.  with bright futures ahead of them.  and luckily for me, that means that as they need me less and less for the mundane things, my hope is that they will seek me out more and more as they start tackling this adventure on their own.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. ~Graham Greene

when they were little, i lived by the "i am not here to be your friend" philosophy.  parenting was a job, and one that i took very seriously.  and it is definitely still a job.  albeit a very different one.  but now, as adults, i do get to be their friend.  and that is the most amazing change.  my older kids call me for advice.  they call or text to chat.  they share stories about work and school.  and they ask me for help.  but they dont really need it. and we both know it.  i am evolving into an advisory role.  they dont need my permission anymore.  so i just have to hope and believe that everything we taught them over the years helps them to make the best choices that they can without having to ask.  i mean, i hope they still ask.  especially the one that still lives with me.  and i expect him to.  because he was raised to respect his momma.  and also because she can still be pretty scary :).

as in all things in life, we are all just doing the best that we can.  we all parent differently.  we all put priorities on different things.  we can only hope that at the end of the road, the choices we made were good ones, and that they were made with pure intentions, and an eye towards future happiness.  i know that my job is not done.  parenting is never done.  but it does seem like its a totally different animal now.  my kids dont ever HAVE to be with me.  they have to WANT to be.  thats the scary part.  are they going to still CHOOSE to spend time here.  i look at my mom and dad, whom i couldnt love any more if i tried.  and realize there were years that we didnt really make the time for them that we could have.  THAT is what scares me now.  when they get to choose to move away, will they? and that selfish part of me argues horribly with the part of me that raised strong independent men, who dont need their mommas to be grown ass people.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

i want them to be HAPPY.  wherever life leads them.  i just hope it doesnt lead them too terribly far away.  its probably time to start drinking wine.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim

on signing day

this has been such an intense, often stressful, and yet incredibly rewarding  journey.  and i have had the unique opportunity to be both josh's mother - and also his trainer.  his father is also his coach.  it has put an interesting spin on an already complicated family process - and as with all of these situations, i figured i would share the story.

An athlete cannot run with money in his pockets. He must run with hope in his heart and dreams in his head. ~Emil Zatopek

today josh "officially" became a Delaware Blue Hen.  he committed to playing lacrosse for a Division I program - the goal of every young athlete in the history of ever.  and he has worked hard for it.  he absolutely deserves it.  which is amazing to be able to say both as his mom (who would probably think that regardless) AND his trainer.  because a few years ago, it really could have gone either way.

this is where the lessons come in.  and where i should probably apologize to my 2 older boys.  we learned from them.  what we did right, and what we should be have done differently.  we (or should i say "I") naively thought that we were doing the "right" things for them to get their notice as well.  and we weren't.  kris and i started cclc when jake and luke were in middle school. they had YEARS of travel baseball under their belts and were both very good athletes.  exceptional, even.  i know i am biased as a mom - but really, we have athletic kids.  we should.  we are athletic parents, right?  BUT, i didnt know ANYTHING about lacrosse, or recruiting, or how that worked.  i thought if we played travel and went to tournaments, they would have a chance to get noticed.  which is true, but SUPER unrealistic.  and because we ran the league and the newly formed travel organization, we just didnt put them in the best position for success.  honestly, completely unknowingly.  or maybe just overwhelmed and hopeful for the best.

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps — we must step up the stairs. ~Vance Havner

that's not say we did not TRY to give them the opportunities.  but we just didnt know better.  and without going into a ton of family dynamics, we fell short in getting them there.  which clearly i feel guilty for.  and one day (maybe) luke might forgive me :). maybe.  BUT i will also say this.  we did the best we could with what we had at the time.  and then we learned more.  and made some changes.

so i started SiB about 4 years ago.  neither of the older boys benefited from it in ANY way, shape or form.  and i didnt start it for them.  it was supposed to be for girls.  it just evolved - fairly quickly -into what it is today - a functional fitness studio and sports conditioning program.  and while i have always exposed my kids to training from early ages, its not quite the same when your mom owns the gym.  im digressing, but that set into motion a turning point for Josh.  and for all of us, really.  because no one likes to condition.  literally no one i know.  certainly not any of the high school, college or adult athletes i work with.  but we do it so we can perform better.  it is VERY difficult to wrap your head around the necessity of that when you are a teenager.  trust me.

The key is not the "will to win" — everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important. ~Bobby Knight

when josh first got on the "division I" bandwagon, like all of the other boys on his very good travel team, we went with the just keep working hard mantra.  but its hard to stand out on a team of standouts. playing against teams of standouts.  and we realized pretty quickly that ALL of these kids were good.  really good.  so it was going to take more than just being good at lacrosse for that to happen.  because let me tell you - i have yet to go to a cannons tournament (or any other) and think, geez those kids arent very good.  EVERYONE is good.  really good. and there are some superstars.  but really those kids are few and far between.  its just really tough, high level talent across the board.  which was VERY eye opening.  did i think josh could play at that level - of course i did.  but im his mom - and again, we all think that. 

now, luckily (or not) for josh, his dad is also his high school lax coach.  which makes for fun times with all my kids at various points.  but he had the knowledge about what skills josh needed to work on, and how to work on them.  the sticking point came down to CHOICE.  and here is where i believe all the difference is made.

we gave josh the choice.  i had a very serious conversation with him after sophomore year, when things were going more slowly for him than he would like.  and just told him that WE could not do this for him.  we couldnt want it more than he did.  we could help him, but we could not do the work.  he had to. and it couldnt be a battle.  it couldnt be a battle to go to workouts.  or play pickup.  it had to be HIS choice to get up and go to the gym.  to go out back and shoot.  to work on the bounce back.  this dream was NOT going to happen by magic and fairy dust.  it was going to take real work.  and we were willing to do the work WITH him.  but not for him.  and if he decided it was not worth it, then that was totally ok too.  this was his dream.  and we left it there.

Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire. ~Arnold H. Glasow

and josh changed.  it wasnt overnight but it was quick.  he took the workout program i made for him and committed to it.  he didnt skip the gym.  he went out in the yard and worked on his skills.  quietly.  but noticeably.  after his first meeting with coach deluca at a prospect camp, his feedback was that josh needed to get bigger.  and so we put another plan together.  and josh committed to that.  now, he is not a giant by any means.  even after all the work in the gym.  but he is strong.  and heavier.  and it is making a difference on the field.  it has already made a difference.  and it was 100% his work ethic that made it happen.  and i couldnt be prouder.

i have the opportunity to work with a lot of athletes.  several who have reached collegiate success.  and what they all have in common, at least in the gym, is they understand that it is work.  its a job.  you dont have to like it. but you do have to take it seriously.  you do have to do every rep.  and show up even when you dont want to.  its like practice.  nobody likes practice.  but you still have to go.  you cant half ass it.  you have to work for it, even when you dont feel like you need to.  THAT is what sets the athletes apart that reach the next level.  thats not to say there are not just some naturally gifted humans out there. and if thats you (or your kid) GO YOU.  but for most people the way to reach your dreams is to work your ass off for them.

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. ~Abraham Lincoln

this is for all the parents and kids out there who spent countless hours in the car travelling to practices and games and tournaments.  who spent money on hotels and teams and showcases that sometimes seemed both endless and unnecessary.  who argued about grades and video games and missed birthday parties.  all in pursuit of the dream of one day playing at the next level.  it is NOT easy.  and there is no right way to get there.  and there is no guarantee that the hard work, time and money will even pay off.  it is a giant gamble.  and if you dont enjoy the journey, you are in for some real misery.  because there are so many amazing, deserving athletes out there. and they all want the same thing your kid wants.

i am so proud of josh.  truly.  but more than that i am HAPPY for him.  so happy that it worked out for him.  and that the hard work DID pay off.  i appreciate the countless hours kris spent driving him to crazy places to get in front of coaches.  the amazing advice from so many coaches and lacrosse players.  the shared experiences with our travel team families.  and that thru it all, we have not only not killed each other (even if it was close a few times), but we all still love the game.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

i want to thank jake and luke for letting me practice parenting on you.  i want to thank you guys for exposing me to theatre and acapella while still getting to watch you guys play.  i am looking forward to us all sharing josh's UD experience together.  and dragging our family back onto the softball field - so we can be amateur athletes together :)

i am a lucky mom.  i know i say that all the time but its true.  and at this moment, on signing day, i know all the lessons i've learned and tried to impart to my kids are coming together.  it has taken this village to get josh here.  exactly where he deserves to be.  go Blue Hens.