let teddy win

Baseball is an allegorical play about America, a poetic, complex, and subtle play of courage, fear, good luck, mistakes, patience about fate, and sober self-esteem. ~Saul Steinberg

its very interesting to me that we (my family) is known for lacrosse.  and clearly, the bayers are lax people.  but the quills are baseball people.  luckily my boys have a bit of both.  like with everything, its a spectrum, where jake played baseball the longest and has the most affinity for it, and josh cares the least, with luke an equal opportunity fan. interestingly tho, they all followed the Nats for my dad.  because HE was a huge fan.  super fan.  season ticket kind of fan.  starting way back when with the Senators.  he was SO absolutely excited when baseball returned to DC, thus creating a slight family division with the Orioles fans in the fam.  But everyone eventually embraced the Nationals because they brought such joy to Pop.

baseball was Pops sport.  and softball. you know what i mean tho.  the diamond played such an
integral part in all of our lives, for pretty much ever.  he played, he coached, he managed and passed all of that on to me, my sister, and my kids.  i cant tell you how many days and weekends were spent on the ballfield - we even roped kris into coaching a couple years.  dad passed his passion for the game on to countless of kids over the years, and his love for the game was evident always. even more so as a spectator.  he never missed a game - whether is was little league, all-stars, travel ball, co-ed or womens league softball. he was always there.  because he LOVED the game.  in all of its forms.  we loved to talk about strategy and lineups.  he could dissect every inning of every game, and would be happy to do so with anyone that wanted to.  everyone that knew him had more than one conversation about ball.  probably more than 100.

The charm of baseball is that, dull as it may be on the field, it is endlessly fascinating as a rehash. ~Jim Murray

when the boys quit playing baseball, it was a hard day in the quill household.  my mom STILL tells jake he should never have quit.  we managed both sports for a couple of seasons, but ultimately the boys moved to lax, and dad became a lax fan - he just never really understood the game.  he watched it for the boys.  but his love was still the diamond.  luckily for us, lisa and i got to spend tons of time with pop as we travelled for softball.  games and tournaments that i will never forget.  we shared so many monday and wednesday nights driving to st marys together, to drink a few beers and kibitz over ball.  if there was a game being played, dad was there.  im so grateful for all the years we got to do that.  to share that love for the game.  and im so happy he got to watch luke start playing.  he was there for his first ever slow-pitch game.  and i could just see how happy it made him to see my boy back on the field.

dad's passion for Washington baseball was one of the things that defined him.  not like his love for his family, but in the way that it was just always there.  9 times out of 10 when he dropped by, his first question would be "did you see the game last night?".  and proceed to break it down by pitch and

inning.  i love that one of the things mom and dad did together was buy season tickets.  its amazing that after all the years of sitting on ball fields watching us, in their retirement, they chose to go watch more ball.  that shared passion is what made the Nats finally winning the world series so amazing. and so bittersweet.  there are so many things dad is missing from a family perspective.  graduations and holidays.  those are so hard.  but we got so many WITH him.  this was something personal.  for him.  we are sorry he was not here to see it because HE would have loved it so so so much.  i think in a way that only those DC guys, that grew up with Senators, really understand.  it was a hometown win in every sense of the word for them.

I may never find the thing I seek, but maybe you will have caught the spirit of my dream. ~Muriel Strode

today is hard.  like so many other days.  but what i am grateful for today is the passion that dad passed down to us. for the game. and for his team.  im so happy he got to bond with Jake over baseball again, and that the family got back on the diamond because we know we would have wanted us to.  i honestly wasnt sure i would ever want to play again after i stopped a few years ago.  and i know dad missed it when we stopped.  but i know now that being out on the field isnt about winning or losing anymore.  its about sharing that experience with MY kids.  keeping his passion for the game alive.  and creating new memories for, and with, the boys.

i am glad the boys get to share lax with their dad.  the way they bond over it is amazing.  and i am so glad i had that same bond with my dad.  its even better that the boys got both.  i miss my dad. so much.  im grateful that each of my boys has a piece of  him. and that these shared moments make us all remember him the same way.  dad was a lot of things - funny, kind, generous being the easiest.  but most of all he loved us with everything in him.  and he shared his passion with us in the same way.  he was all in.  for his family, and his  team. there is no greater tribute to Pops love of the game
than the Nats bringing it home to DC.  teddy finally won.

When you look at your life, the greatest happinesses are family happinesses. ~Joyce Brothers

the final graduation....

..the powerful play goes on, and you will contribute a verse. ~Walt Whitman

this is it.  the big one.  the final exclamation point on our 24 years of are we doing the right thing, every single day, journey.  sure Josh is off to college in the fall, which will of course still require our guidance.  but this is the very last time we wake up at 6:45 in a flat out panic - thinking "is he up?  is he going to be late?"  you know, the everyday stuff.

so at the end of this part of our story, i figured we would do the big reflection.  it starts with school choices, circa 1998, when i went on a crazy quest to find the "right" school for my kids.  and since none of our public schools - for some idiotic reason (called sight words) - were teaching phonics, i enrolled my boys in catholic school.  which i will never regret.  the school was awesome, the people amazing.  the religion, i struggled with to varying degrees over the years, but ultimately was the best education decision for my crew at the time. 

it of course led to our brushes with catholicism.  which we are no longer a part of.  the journey of faith has been a twisted one for me, and probably one of my largest struggles in regards to my 3rd kid - who clearly did not get the same exposure as the others.  who knows in the long run if that is good or bad?  he still is a kind-hearted, compassionate soul, so wherever or whatever god is, i have to believe She is ok with my choices :)

Life was meant to be lived, and curiosity must be kept alive. One must never, for whatever reason, turn his back on life. ~Eleanor Roosevelt

we have also travelled countless roads, and spent billions of hours (literally) on fields, driving to fields, sitting at fields, and planning how to coordinate juggling it all.  like most parents of athletic kids, we were weekend warriors for it seems like the better part of 15 years.  you cant wait for that insanity to be over, and then you miss it instantly when its gone.  my kids often laugh about how many vehicles ive had over the years.  and they are right.  but when you log the miles we do, the least you can do is try to keep yourself entertained on the trips :)  we all have countless stories about driving with sleeping kids, forgetting cleats & buying them somewhere in some unfamiliar state.  about hotel pool parties, sunburn, chafing & the tears that often accompanied those same trips.  hours of frustration, and fighting - interspersed with absolute JOY.

Why be anything other than good? Why do anything other than love? ~Johnathan Dahl

ive changed so much over these years.  as have my boys.  interestingly, my blogs have carried me through a good part of this story.  ive shared our ups and downs, and a bit of everything else as well.  its pretty fitting that i can sum up the whole shebang with them:

my biggest lesson #1:  be the sunshine.  you cant control ANYTHING in life except how you react to it.  are you kind?  do you approach challenges with grace?  are you putting out positive vibes?  do you try to lift others up?  these are the lessons of "be the sunshine".  i hope for all of us.  our gift in life is to have an impact on others.  you get to decide if that impact resonates, lifts others up, or instead stays contained.  spreading sunshine, sharing joy, is the very best thing we can try to do with every one of our days.  it is easy to be negative.  or sad.  it takes more work to try to find the good.  in yourself.  in others. in situations.  but if you can manage to do that, your life will not only be happier, it will be impactful, and full.

Just living is not enough... one must have sunshine, freedom, and a little flower. ~Hans Christian Andersen

we have all experienced great losses.  they shape our perspective and the people we become.  my evolution as a parent, as a person, has been reformed several times over.  be the sunshine started as a tribute to a young parent that left us too soon.  it became a mission when tiff died, to be honest and open about life. so that my kids could look back one day and understand their mom.  it turned into a reflection on lifes biggest moments.  it evolved as i did.  and im grateful everyday for the ability to share it.  and it led me to the biggest lesson #2:

strong is beautiful.  life is NOT easy.  its not sunshine and roses all the time.  but it is truly a gift that we get to live and share.  i think the first part of my parenting life was all about being introspective.  what is best for MY family, and me.  what do I want, for them and for myself.  it was my bubble and i nourished and protected it.  but as my boys grew, so did i.  and i realized that my bubble needed to expand.  yes, my boys were important - the MOST important.  but i have other gifts and other passions.  and it is okay to be more than just a mom.  embracing STRENGTH has been the best thing for me, and my boys.  not just physical, but emotional as well.  it has taught me to use my passion, and encourage the boys to do the same.  it has shown me that my gifts are not just for me.  sharing is caring, and all that :)

Good for the body is the work of the body, and good for the soul is the work of the soul, and good for either is the work of the other. ~Henry David Thoreau

all of my boys have had a different incarnation of their mom.  ive written about that a ton.  but today, i know that josh has seen the most authentic version.  the mom that cries, and breaks down.  the mom that sometimes falls under the weight of it all.  but he has also seen more determination.  what it takes to build a dream.  what it looks like to make time for people, to stop and smell the roses. or sit in the rain with your dad.  he understands what it means to appreciate people, and effort.  he sees everyday that to do hard things, you have to work hard for them. and that at the end of the day, everyday, all that matters is the people you love.  life is fickle.  we have to make the most of all of our time.  in whatever form that takes for you.

i have a lot of favorite quotes.  but this one is THE one for me. 
“Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better.” —Maya Angelou.  because sometimes we DONT know the whole story.  or have the whole picture.  growth is all about change. and evolution.  by biggest wish for josh, for all the seniors, and all of my people, is that they embrace the journey.  LEARN more.  be open-minded.  embrace new things, new ideas and new people. dont be afraid of change. the world needs love, and kindness, and big ideas.  it needs hard workers & big dreamers.  it needs warm hugs, and big laughs.  and people who are willing to get down in the trenches to fight for what they believe in.  it needs sunshine.  and strength.  the good thing is that we all have both of those inside of us already.  believe in yourself.  help others.  spread the good. 

much love to you all.