reflections on getting old

Most of the shadows of life are caused by standing in our own sunshine. - Ralph Waldo Emerson

i've had the very interesting opportunity this month to spend time with 2 of my oldest friends - both of whom live 8 hours away - in different directions.  not only was it just great to be able to spend time and catch up with them, but it was also, for me, a chance to reflect.  that may also have something to do with turning 42 (ouch).

like most of us, i like to think i have a lot of friends.  people who i have met throughout all the different stages of my life....the old playgroup moms from when the boys were little.  the moms of the kids teammates and schoolmates as they grew older.  the chics from the gym and softball and soccer and all of the other things i've done over the years to fill my time.  some of whom are very good friends...and becoming those that start to fit into the "lifetime" friends group.  but a lot are just cool people who i see and talk to when the occasion arises.

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those

people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

and then there are the "others"....my real friends.  as i get older its so fun and interesting to me to realize that we have this BOND.  that only time and experiences can solidify.  these are the girls i dont see very often.  but who know ME.  the real deni.  not "fun" deni.  she's easy to be friends with.  these are the "nervous breakdown" deni friends.  the ones who realize i'm actually crazy and selfish and insecure, just like everyone else.  they see past the smile and the loud mouth.  and i am so incredibly appreciative that they stick around anyway!  cuz nervous breakdown deni is WORK. if you've met her in your travels, you know what i mean.  and if you are still around after witnessing it - THANKS :).

It takes a long time to grow an old friend.  ~John Leonard

the point i'm making is that TIME breeds all kinds of feelings.  sometimes the best relationships are the new ones - they are usually more fun and exciting.  they are full of what's next and when can we hang out.  they are usually made over some common interest.  and then often, when that common interest falters, the relationships fades a bit.  its the ones that STICK after that initial honeymoon phase that really can reflect on who you are.  and even on what you bring to the table, so to speak.  i think the coolest thing about my oldest and dearest friends is that they are so different.  from each other.  and even from me in a lot of ways.  but there is a core BOND that has never broken.  and i hope never will. 


i guess that's one of the advantages of age.  you get to be sentimental and its okay.  i've had 3 people say to me in the last week "i've known you over half my life"!  which makes me feel REALLY OLD.  but also really good.  because if i've know you half your life and you are still speaking to me, i guess i'm doing ok :)  the moral of the story is that  no one gets to be 40 anything without making mistakes.  and being a bad friend.  making bad decisions or doing things you regret.  but you also dont get to that age without doing some really great things. and being a good friend.  you matter to the people who have stayed in your life.  and probably to some new ones as well.  you get to celebrate your age knowing that your life to this point is EXACTLY what you've made it.  and the people you've carried with you throughout your journey love you.  fun you.  and neurotic you.  embrace it.  LOVE IT.

The most important thing is to be whatever you are without shame. - Rod Steiger

i hope you'll think about the people in your life who stick.  they are the ones who make you feel good about being YOU.  let those friends be your reflection when you are feeling down or doubting yourself.  these people love you for all your own craziness.  and that's probably the coolest thing ever.

so as a newly minted 42 year old, i'd like to give a great big shout out to my "half my life" crew.  you may be little, but you ROCK!!  colleen & kir, jax & kris, kb & lisa......my 20 year+ vets.  i love you all!!  thanks for sticking it out for so long.  i hope at 62 we will have even funnier, and equally momentous memories to share! and i hope to be bringing a few more of you along for the ride :) xoxo

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  ~Lois Wyse

seasons change

To live is to change, and to be perfect is to have changed often.

John Henry Newman

Life is a funny thing.  no matter how much you think you have a handle on it, something always pops up to throw you.  or try to anyway.  the older i get, the more i learn that nothing is ever really what you expect.  sometimes thats good.  and sometimes its not.  but its always something!  and really, as much as you THINK you can prepare for whats next, you cant. maybe physically or financially.  but you cant mentally prepare for something you've never faced before.  or maybe its just me.  and i continue to be crazy.

“Nothing is more important than reconnecting with your bliss. Nothing is as rich. Nothing is more real.”  Deepak Chopra

to recap, i lost my mind and quit my job last spring.  started my training business (which i LOVE), but am not really making any money at (YET).  i also decided, quite consciously, to "take the summer off" (hence the post labor day post).  and by that, what i mean is that i went back to the days when my kids were little when my JOB was to hang out with them and take care of them.  and believe me, however sad, it's been YEARS since that was my JOB.  as your kids get older, they get easier to take care of.  they require less of your actual time - especially once you have a driver!  they dont need you to pack lunches or help with homework.  you dont need to organize playgroups or take them to the park. they do their thing, and you do yours.  and i feel like i got lost in all that.  i'm so lucky that my kids are cool.  we still did fun family things.  but somehow i felt like we were all moving in these different directions all time.  and i decided this was the summer to fix it.    and i got the added benefit of making my kids workout, so there's that :)

this is what we did,  we had family summer.  3 days a week, the boys went to workouts with me.  followed by family lunch. and by family lunch, i mean whoever happened to be at workouts!  it was AWESOME.  wakeup, workout, lunch, and home to relax.  3 day a week.  ALL SUMMER.  we ate more meals together this summer than in the last 5 years.  we had friends over EVERY DAY.  we went school shopping.  and to the pool.  we even managed a quick beach thing.  but more than that, it was the everyday lunch thing that reconnected us. if you worked out, you got to come to lunch.  if not, you were on your own.  its funny how FOOD motivates everyone in my house!!

What greater blessing to give thanks for at a family gathering than the family and the gathering.  ~Robert Brault

in reality, what this summer did (i hope) was remind me and the kids that our family is pretty cool.  and home is a great  place.  so when they leave, they know they always have a place to come back to.  not because they need to....but because they want to.  we dropped jake off at Clemson with the knowledge that we would always be there for him. but that he probably wouldnt need us to be. he is taking his next step.  one i am confident will lead to a very bright future.  and one i'm pretty sure will never again include family summer.  so we took it while we could.  and hopefully when he looks back, it will mean as much to him as it did to us.

It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.--Alan Cohen

so there you have it.  seasons change.  one my babies has left the nest.  the most difficult question i get asked pretty much daily is "how you doin mom?".  how am i doing?  i'm doing ok.  honestly probably better than ok.  do i miss jake?  sure.  but we facetime.  technology ROCKS!  is it different?  absolutely.  but just like everything else, life goes on.  it may go on differently, but it keeps on going.  its just the next "new" normal for us.  luke gets to be the BMOC for a little while.  josh has the xbox to himself.  the house is a little quieter. there's a little less fighting (who knew jake was the culprit there??), but mostly its just life.  i used to hate that saying "it is what it is".  but its kind of true.  we knew jake was leaving for college.  we planned and worked and prepared for it FOREVER.  but mentally you cant be ready for it.  and it was hard to drop him off.  but its also SO COOL!  he's starting this next incredibly interesting new chapter of his life.  and so are we.  by the end of the fall, we will have ANOTHER driver. and another set of worries.  its just whats next.  i know its coming ,but that doesnt make it any easier to watch luke drive off alone for the first time.  like with everything else, i just have to hope that we've done our best to prepare him for his next step.  like always.  parenting is an imperfect science.  and its never ending.  sometimes you just might need to hit the pause button.  spend a minute and reconnect with the kids you've dedicated so much to raising.  it's totally worth it.  i promise.  you never know what's next for them.....or for you.

Celebrate each season, for you too, are transformed with the turns of the earth.--Arthur Dobrin