18. for the last time

Life is a long road on a short journey. ~James Lendall Basford 

life has a funny way of passing by while you are busy doing other things.  i would swear that it was just 5 minutes ago that i was running around like a chicken, chasing 3 young boys around.  constantly feeling exhausted and yet completely entertained.  years and years of travel ball schedules and juggling sports.  and one by one my boys outgrew the need for that constant attention.  they got drivers licenses and a bit of freedom, and slowly we seemed to no longer have that crazy constant madness.  and im sure i noticed it at the time - kind of.  but i didnt realize fully what it meant.

The years teach much which the days never knew. ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

tomorrow is Josh's 18th.  my baby.  the last of my boys to pass thru to adulthood.  and while nothing will change specifically tomorrow - the moment brings with it a ton of reflection.  because parenting has transitioned for me from a full time job into a more consultative role.  and i never really expected that.  and definitely wasnt emotionally prepared for it.  not that Josh doesnt need me.  or the other boys for that matter.  but what they need FROM me is very different these days. 

my boys are all adults.  legally.  they have every right to just go be their own people.  without my input.  which is CA-RAZY. i mean, who doesnt need my input??  and this is where i start to realize that all the work i put in - all the daily lessons in right and wrong & manners & goal setting & following through - THIS is where it either worked, or it didnt.  and WOW is that a humbling, and scary feeling.

A wise woman once said to me that there are only two lasting bequests we can hope to give our children. One of these she said is roots, the other, wings. ~William Hodding Carter

as i look back, i have to wonder if all the things i THOUGHT were important, were actually important.  did i focus on the right things?  did i fall short in places that are going to negatively impact them later in life?  which one of my kids is going to grow up vacuuming everyday because our house was always a mess?  which one will want to really learn to cook so their family will have good dinners together?  which one will adopt 3 dogs because they cant imagine not having a house full of dog hair?  but more importantly, will they all have the tools that they need to be successful.

not that i dont ALWAYS worry about that stuff.  but now it just seems more IMMINENT.  did i do a good job?  did we?  are my boys going to be concerned, participatory, thoughtful, respectful adults?  are they going to be compassionate, and kind to others.  did they learn those kinds of lessons, along with the brush your teeth, say please and thank you lessons?  who knows what they actually absorbed.  and now, its kind of too late to go back and try to change what i may not have done well. or even recognized.  are my kids happy?  i mean at the end of the day, isnt THAT the goal?  but we push them in so many directions when they are young that i'm not quite sure we tell them that.  just be happy.  in this crazy day and age, that is hard enough all by itself.

The great thing about getting older is that you don't lose all the other ages you've been. ~Madeleine L'Engle

i can say this.  not to brag.  but my kids are all pretty damn cool.  they are polite in the presence of adults.  they talk like truck drivers in my house, but that was not a hill i chose to die on.  much to the dismay of several relatives :).  its all of those small choices that i stew over.  did i push Jake too hard?  did i provide Luke all the opportunities he should have had?  did i check out on Josh?  i parented them all so differently.  which is a difficult acknowledgement.  i felt at the time that i was doing the same things for all of them.  but i wasnt.  i couldnt.  i stayed home for the majority of Jakes' life.  he was in middle school before i ever worked at all during the day.  and with that trickle down, i didnt work full time until he was in high school - but that meant that during all of those transition years, all the boys had different experiences.  they had different amounts of my time and attention.  and while the overall right and wrong stuff didnt change, what we focused on the daily certainly did. how much did that matter?

in the grand scheme of life, i think we did pretty good. i couldnt love my kids more or be more proud.  but more than that i LIKE them.  i like the adults that they are, and the men they are becoming.  for all of their quirks, they are all so uniquely, independently & definitively their own men.  and also the very best parts of me.  and their dad.  they got some of the bad things, and they are by no means perfect - but they are beautiful, incredible men.  with bright futures ahead of them.  and luckily for me, that means that as they need me less and less for the mundane things, my hope is that they will seek me out more and more as they start tackling this adventure on their own.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in. ~Graham Greene

when they were little, i lived by the "i am not here to be your friend" philosophy.  parenting was a job, and one that i took very seriously.  and it is definitely still a job.  albeit a very different one.  but now, as adults, i do get to be their friend.  and that is the most amazing change.  my older kids call me for advice.  they call or text to chat.  they share stories about work and school.  and they ask me for help.  but they dont really need it. and we both know it.  i am evolving into an advisory role.  they dont need my permission anymore.  so i just have to hope and believe that everything we taught them over the years helps them to make the best choices that they can without having to ask.  i mean, i hope they still ask.  especially the one that still lives with me.  and i expect him to.  because he was raised to respect his momma.  and also because she can still be pretty scary :).

as in all things in life, we are all just doing the best that we can.  we all parent differently.  we all put priorities on different things.  we can only hope that at the end of the road, the choices we made were good ones, and that they were made with pure intentions, and an eye towards future happiness.  i know that my job is not done.  parenting is never done.  but it does seem like its a totally different animal now.  my kids dont ever HAVE to be with me.  they have to WANT to be.  thats the scary part.  are they going to still CHOOSE to spend time here.  i look at my mom and dad, whom i couldnt love any more if i tried.  and realize there were years that we didnt really make the time for them that we could have.  THAT is what scares me now.  when they get to choose to move away, will they? and that selfish part of me argues horribly with the part of me that raised strong independent men, who dont need their mommas to be grown ass people.

All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on. ~Havelock Ellis

i want them to be HAPPY.  wherever life leads them.  i just hope it doesnt lead them too terribly far away.  its probably time to start drinking wine.

The foolish man seeks happiness in the distance; the wise grows it under his feet. ~James Openheim

on signing day

this has been such an intense, often stressful, and yet incredibly rewarding  journey.  and i have had the unique opportunity to be both josh's mother - and also his trainer.  his father is also his coach.  it has put an interesting spin on an already complicated family process - and as with all of these situations, i figured i would share the story.

An athlete cannot run with money in his pockets. He must run with hope in his heart and dreams in his head. ~Emil Zatopek

today josh "officially" became a Delaware Blue Hen.  he committed to playing lacrosse for a Division I program - the goal of every young athlete in the history of ever.  and he has worked hard for it.  he absolutely deserves it.  which is amazing to be able to say both as his mom (who would probably think that regardless) AND his trainer.  because a few years ago, it really could have gone either way.

this is where the lessons come in.  and where i should probably apologize to my 2 older boys.  we learned from them.  what we did right, and what we should be have done differently.  we (or should i say "I") naively thought that we were doing the "right" things for them to get their notice as well.  and we weren't.  kris and i started cclc when jake and luke were in middle school. they had YEARS of travel baseball under their belts and were both very good athletes.  exceptional, even.  i know i am biased as a mom - but really, we have athletic kids.  we should.  we are athletic parents, right?  BUT, i didnt know ANYTHING about lacrosse, or recruiting, or how that worked.  i thought if we played travel and went to tournaments, they would have a chance to get noticed.  which is true, but SUPER unrealistic.  and because we ran the league and the newly formed travel organization, we just didnt put them in the best position for success.  honestly, completely unknowingly.  or maybe just overwhelmed and hopeful for the best.

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps — we must step up the stairs. ~Vance Havner

that's not say we did not TRY to give them the opportunities.  but we just didnt know better.  and without going into a ton of family dynamics, we fell short in getting them there.  which clearly i feel guilty for.  and one day (maybe) luke might forgive me :). maybe.  BUT i will also say this.  we did the best we could with what we had at the time.  and then we learned more.  and made some changes.

so i started SiB about 4 years ago.  neither of the older boys benefited from it in ANY way, shape or form.  and i didnt start it for them.  it was supposed to be for girls.  it just evolved - fairly quickly -into what it is today - a functional fitness studio and sports conditioning program.  and while i have always exposed my kids to training from early ages, its not quite the same when your mom owns the gym.  im digressing, but that set into motion a turning point for Josh.  and for all of us, really.  because no one likes to condition.  literally no one i know.  certainly not any of the high school, college or adult athletes i work with.  but we do it so we can perform better.  it is VERY difficult to wrap your head around the necessity of that when you are a teenager.  trust me.

The key is not the "will to win" — everybody has that. It is the will to prepare to win that is important. ~Bobby Knight

when josh first got on the "division I" bandwagon, like all of the other boys on his very good travel team, we went with the just keep working hard mantra.  but its hard to stand out on a team of standouts. playing against teams of standouts.  and we realized pretty quickly that ALL of these kids were good.  really good.  so it was going to take more than just being good at lacrosse for that to happen.  because let me tell you - i have yet to go to a cannons tournament (or any other) and think, geez those kids arent very good.  EVERYONE is good.  really good. and there are some superstars.  but really those kids are few and far between.  its just really tough, high level talent across the board.  which was VERY eye opening.  did i think josh could play at that level - of course i did.  but im his mom - and again, we all think that. 

now, luckily (or not) for josh, his dad is also his high school lax coach.  which makes for fun times with all my kids at various points.  but he had the knowledge about what skills josh needed to work on, and how to work on them.  the sticking point came down to CHOICE.  and here is where i believe all the difference is made.

we gave josh the choice.  i had a very serious conversation with him after sophomore year, when things were going more slowly for him than he would like.  and just told him that WE could not do this for him.  we couldnt want it more than he did.  we could help him, but we could not do the work.  he had to. and it couldnt be a battle.  it couldnt be a battle to go to workouts.  or play pickup.  it had to be HIS choice to get up and go to the gym.  to go out back and shoot.  to work on the bounce back.  this dream was NOT going to happen by magic and fairy dust.  it was going to take real work.  and we were willing to do the work WITH him.  but not for him.  and if he decided it was not worth it, then that was totally ok too.  this was his dream.  and we left it there.

Success isn't a result of spontaneous combustion. You must set yourself on fire. ~Arnold H. Glasow

and josh changed.  it wasnt overnight but it was quick.  he took the workout program i made for him and committed to it.  he didnt skip the gym.  he went out in the yard and worked on his skills.  quietly.  but noticeably.  after his first meeting with coach deluca at a prospect camp, his feedback was that josh needed to get bigger.  and so we put another plan together.  and josh committed to that.  now, he is not a giant by any means.  even after all the work in the gym.  but he is strong.  and heavier.  and it is making a difference on the field.  it has already made a difference.  and it was 100% his work ethic that made it happen.  and i couldnt be prouder.

i have the opportunity to work with a lot of athletes.  several who have reached collegiate success.  and what they all have in common, at least in the gym, is they understand that it is work.  its a job.  you dont have to like it. but you do have to take it seriously.  you do have to do every rep.  and show up even when you dont want to.  its like practice.  nobody likes practice.  but you still have to go.  you cant half ass it.  you have to work for it, even when you dont feel like you need to.  THAT is what sets the athletes apart that reach the next level.  thats not to say there are not just some naturally gifted humans out there. and if thats you (or your kid) GO YOU.  but for most people the way to reach your dreams is to work your ass off for them.

Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle. ~Abraham Lincoln

this is for all the parents and kids out there who spent countless hours in the car travelling to practices and games and tournaments.  who spent money on hotels and teams and showcases that sometimes seemed both endless and unnecessary.  who argued about grades and video games and missed birthday parties.  all in pursuit of the dream of one day playing at the next level.  it is NOT easy.  and there is no right way to get there.  and there is no guarantee that the hard work, time and money will even pay off.  it is a giant gamble.  and if you dont enjoy the journey, you are in for some real misery.  because there are so many amazing, deserving athletes out there. and they all want the same thing your kid wants.

i am so proud of josh.  truly.  but more than that i am HAPPY for him.  so happy that it worked out for him.  and that the hard work DID pay off.  i appreciate the countless hours kris spent driving him to crazy places to get in front of coaches.  the amazing advice from so many coaches and lacrosse players.  the shared experiences with our travel team families.  and that thru it all, we have not only not killed each other (even if it was close a few times), but we all still love the game.

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. ~Jane Howard

i want to thank jake and luke for letting me practice parenting on you.  i want to thank you guys for exposing me to theatre and acapella while still getting to watch you guys play.  i am looking forward to us all sharing josh's UD experience together.  and dragging our family back onto the softball field - so we can be amateur athletes together :)

i am a lucky mom.  i know i say that all the time but its true.  and at this moment, on signing day, i know all the lessons i've learned and tried to impart to my kids are coming together.  it has taken this village to get josh here.  exactly where he deserves to be.  go Blue Hens.

the final senior year

Life is a long road on a short journey. ~James Lendall Basford

happy. sad. proud. nervous. excited. worried. ANXIOUS.  this is me, at our final senior year of high school.  and while it has been a LONG, windy road that i was always looking toward the end of, i find myself looking back through the journey and wondering if i would have done anything differently.  because now that its HERE - the destination, with the empty nest looming - i hope that the choices i made for the boys were the right ones.  the ones that prepared them for the rest of their lives.  and maybe even the ones that prepared ME for what is coming next.

the 3 kid syndrome looks a lot like this:  first child is over-parented with anxious parents.  second child has expectations to meet & more independence with busy parents.  third child is raised by wolves with tired parents.  and while i feel like i truly did the best that i could with each of my kids, the boys will definitely tell you where i fell short - and where they each got the worst end of the deal.  and they each DID get shortchanged in different areas.  life is rough sometimes.  and its not fair. which i hope was one of the lessons that they all got.

Life is a great big canvas, and you should throw all the paint on it you can. ~Danny Kaye

everyone parents differently.  and i think thats great.  my personal philosophy was this: you get what you need when you need it.  in return i expected my boys to be decent human beings, get good grades, participate in sports/life & help me when i needed it.  that's really it.  i am not an allowance mom or a chore mom.  not really even a work mom.  i do what im supposed to do and you do what you are supposed to do.  thats the gig.  but looking back, its funny what that looks like.

i mean really, who NEEDS a phone? or data?  or a new baseball bat?  or a new lacrosse head?  but these were all the little things that made up the "its not fair" argument in my house - forever.  jake didnt get a phone til 8th grade.  luke 7th.  josh 6th? (maybe 5th summer).  it was trickle down necessity.  and VERY unfair.  jake and josh love clothes, luke could care less.  but luke had a girlfriend that ate about 400 meals with us.  it was never about fair or even.  it was about adjusting to each kid.  and while i think it worked out ok, i know they each feel like i was easier on the others.

There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it. 

~Chinese Proverb

the good news is that they all believe that they are my favorite.  and they are all 100% right.

the funny thing about this last go around, though, it that i am both tired AND more aware of the "lastness" of all we are going through.  which is hard to explain.  but ill try.  "poor josh" averages about 1 home cooked meal a week.  maybe.  he is the king of "i'll buy if you fly".  that's the tired parenting.  i just dont want to cook anymore.  at all.  been there, done that, got the sticker.  can not be bothered anymore - even though i know he needs to eat good food.  still cant bring myself to do it.  which is TERRIBLE.  and not changing.  on the flip side, he got to take a half day at school.  which may or may not also be a terrible, tired parenting move, but in his eyes is a definite benefit.  one that required a family chat group to verify - so that sons 1 & 2 could sign off on.  we are now parenting by collective!

Help your brother’s boat across, and your own will reach the shore. ~Hindu Proverb

which brings me to all the lasts.  i am sharing them all with all 3 of the kids.  things i think we did well, and things i wish i had done differently.  i get to ask jake and luke for their opinion.  i get real-time feedback from their perspective on some of our decisions.  we, as a unit, are experiencing josh's senior year.  should he play football (we split 2/2).  but josh had a lot of feedback to make the decision.  what classes are important?  how do we feel about AP?  these are all things that used to be just up to me (you know, and kris).  but now i get to see them from the other side.  and yes, we let josh take a half day, BUT he had to stick with the 3 APs.  the older boys are helpful, and involved.  and i love that.

way on back, i used to think about the future - and what it would look like when josh was 18.  i would "only" be 47 and we would have all the time in the world after the kids were grown.  and when you are elbow deep in paper mache & magic markers, science fair projects and homework - that future seems AWESOME.  and maybe it will be.  but right now what it looks like is sad, and a little bit boring.  which is just an AWFUL outlook.  it should look exciting and adventurous, right?  i should be looking forward to no schedules and all this free time to do whatever i want.  unfortunately, what i want is going to end up being more time with my kids.

will i make the best of it?  sure.  its what we do.  but in the meantime i am going to drive everyone in my house totally crazy.  which unfortunately for them, really  just means kris and josh.  jake and luke are psyched they get a pass on emotional basket case mom.  the one who now needs them more than they need me.  and thats a hard realization.  its funny how that cyclical thing happens when you arent looking.

The happiest moments of my life have been the few which I have passed at home in the bosom of my family. ~Thomas Jefferson

im super fortunate that my family indulges me.  they come home to have breakfast with my dad.  they participate in family group chats about football games and stupid movies.  they all got to weigh in on rescuing Petey, even tho they probably wont ever really live with him.  and they still call me to check in.  sometimes they still even ask for advice.

ultimately what makes this year different is that i am hyper aware of the time. i have actually stopped saying "i cant wait until".  i can wait.  that doesnt mean i wont enjoy all of it as it happens.  we have already had our last homecoming.  which was great.  and josh let me take about 1000 pictures.  because he is aware of it also.  he knows that i am struggling with it.  and that he has a responsibility as the "last" to do some of the things he doesnt want to - because they mean a lot to me.  this is me, getting what i need, when i need it. and im lucky enough that my kids get that.

Are we not like two volumes of one book? ~Marceline Desbordes-Valmore

this year is as much about me as it is about josh.  its the last chapter in the first half of my life.  and

while i will always be their mom, it will turn into an advisory role.  and i will have to figure out what i want to build during the second half of the story.  for now, i am attempting to slow down time.  and preaching to all of my stressed out, young kid moms who want to tear their hair out.  i honestly dont miss those days. but i am SO GLAD i went through them.  i love my memories and our shared experiences.  we had a hectic, crazy, stressful, fun & exuberant 23 years as a family.  and i wouldnt change any of it.  i know i made mistakes.  because i am human.  im sure i was overprotective, and set ridiculous expectations.  i dont think i was or am an easy parent.  but ive loved every second of it.
and if i know one thing for sure, its that my boys know that they are loved beyond measure. 

if i only did that one thing right, i did pretty damn good.

The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one. ~Jill Churchill

not a football mom

Mother is a verb, not a noun. ~Proverb

here we are.  on the first day of josh's senior year.  technically school hasnt even started yet, but of course fall sports have.  and his first EVER high school football game is tonight.  which of course has made me super reflective.  it is going to be one of those years, im afraid.

what i realized while driving around today is that i am not now, nor have i ever really been, a football mom.  which is probably very obvious to the actual football moms out there.  and i hope, at least for josh, that its a good thing.

what do i mean by that?  well, i dont really like football. i never really  have.  which is funny for as much as i love sports. i find football to be kind of boring to watch AND super violent.  and i am just not a fan of violent sports.  not a huge hockey person either.  and i HATE all things boxing/mma related.  so maybe it makes a weird kind of sense.  ANYWAY, because i dont really like it, i never "got into it".  i never learned the ticky-tack rules. or defensive schemes.  i was never the mom that wanted to be on the sideline. or move the chains or whatever.  i mostly spent all of my time at football fields waiting for the game to be over and for my kids not to be hurt.  which is RIDICULOUS. but true.

We're fools whether we dance or not, so we might as well dance. ~Japanese Proverb

so how did i end up here, today?  i did not let (yet, that's right, LET) josh play football in high school until this year.  its really the only thing i've ever put my foot down about sports-wise.  all 3 of my boys played different versions of football, flag football, soccer, basketball, baseball and lacrosse growing up.  and they all got hurt (when they did) playing different things.  so it isnt like FOOTBALL was the culprit.  altho the whole concussion thing could send me down a completely different path.  suffice it to say, i felt like football was not a good fit for josh his freshman year.  my boys tend to be skinny (some might say scrawny) at 14, and after watching Jake wreck his knee freshman year, i just was not interested in watching josh get beat up week after week.  call me selfish (which i totally was), but it just was not something i was ok with.  same story sophomore year.  he still weighed about 12 pounds and TO ME it wasnt worth the possibility of him getting hurt.

fast forward one more  year, and his junior year was THE YEAR.  you know, the important one for lacrosse.  but a funny thing happened that year.  while josh was putting in real time in the gym. and maturing.  he finally gained some weight. and put on some muscle.  AND followed through on his lacrosse dream of finding the right college to play for.  basically, i feel like we made the right decisions to get him to where he is right now.  headed to UDEL to play lax next year.  go JB.

To fear is one thing.  To let fear grab you by the tail and swing you around is another.  ~Katherine Paterson

but.  he still really wants to play football.  and so here we were, this summer.  finished with our last HS summer lax tournament ever, and josh says "i really want to play football this year".  so i had to decide.  am i going to be that overprotective mom AGAIN that stays inside of my comfort zone?  if i said no, clearly josh would have respected that decision.  he would have been mad. and frustrated.  but he would have eventually gotten over it.  just like the past 3 years.  BUT.  when i asked him WHY he wanted to play, it just resonated with me.  this is HIS life.  not mine.  he is going to be 18 in a few short months.  and ultimately, all of these decisions will be his anyway.  and this is what he said:

i dont want to regret not doing something that i always wanted to.  i feel like the signs are pointing me towards playing this year.  and i dont want to leave high school wishing i had played.  and not playing because i was afraid to get hurt.  fear is just not a good reason for me to not try.

 what do you say to that?  because he is totally right.  fear is NEVER a good reason to not try something.  and so i said yes.  because that is really all i could do.  for him.  and probably for me.  it will be good for both of us.  i hope :)

Enjoy yourself. It's later than you think. ~Chinese Proverb

i think the irony is that, at heart, im a baseball mom.  THATS the game i know.  that is the one where i would be the crazy person in the stands.  where i could analyze the plays and break it all down.  and none of my boys stuck with it.  which is probably both a clue that it wasnt healthy for us as a family.  and that im a better mom when all i can do is say "did you have fun?".

so that's my job as far as sports go.  isnt that crazy?  can i help you get in shape? sure.  am i going to make sure you are giving 100%?  absolutely.  but at the end of the day, my job is take pictures and make sure that what the boys get out of sports is a positive.  you GET to play with your friends.  you understand what it means to be on a TEAM.  you understand that hard work is important, but that when it stops being FUN its no longer worth it.  and that at the end of the road, you are going to look back on all the time you spent of those fields, with your friends, and have no regrets.

here's to one more new adventure.

In life, as in football, you won't go far unless you know where the goalposts are. ~Arnold H. Glasow

for Pop

I hope every little girl thinks that her dad is the very best dad in the whole world.  I wish everyone knew what it was like to know that no matter what, her dad would love her more than anything.  And i realize that i am one of the extremely fortunate ones.  Because not everyone has the best dad. Or a present dad.  Dads are human like the rest of us.  Some are great.  and some are not so great. And today, like every single other day, i absolutely understand that i am the luckiest daughter in the world.  And i just want to tell you why :)

He didn’t tell me how to live; he lived, and let me watch him do it.

 ~Clarence Budington Kelland

My dad is there.  for every occasion humanly possible. in my 46 years, he has NEVER missed anything important to me.  and made pretty much all the not so important stuff too.  he coached every team and helped with homework, even when it frustrated both of us.  i never FOR ONE MINUTE ever had to question my fathers devotion to me.  and that probably wasnt as easy for him as he made it seem to me.  My dad had a pretty fun gig before me.  He drank and played softball and worked. He bowled and played cards and generally was a super fun 20 something.  but maybe he wasnt quite the best dad yet.  even though he had 2 little girls.  and maybe it took him a little bit of time to come around after baby #3.  but he did.  regardless of the things that my young parents went thru - and like most of us, they went thru some stuff - they stuck it out. and my dad changed.  he could have done what a million other dads do and put what he wanted first.  but he didnt.  he became the dad that was always there.  90% of the time in a blue elevator union work outfit.  not because it was easy.  but because he made the time. and i always understood the difference.

My dad made me do the stuff i didnt want to.  Not like making my bed stuff (that was my mom).  the stuff that i said i would do and then realized it wasnt any fun.  the commitment to your team stuff.  the pitching in the yard EVERY DAY when i grew to hate it. the you have to show up when you dont feel good anyway stuff.  the lesson that maybe he learned later than he wanted to.  its not always easy.  and its not always fun.  but dammit, if you say you are going to do something, then you are.  period. and this lesson, while super sucky to learn, has been INVALUABLE in my life.

My dad told me i looked great.  always.  no matter what.  even with the "lion hair".  the answer to "how does this look"  or  "do you like this" was absolutely always positive.  he once asked me why i always asked him that stuff when i knew what he was going to say.  and i told him that thats why i asked.  i could always count on him to make me feel good.  how awesome is that? 

“Being a daddy’s girl is like having permanent armor for the rest of your life.” – Marinela Reka

My dad found humor in most everything that drove him nuts.  And in doing so taught me that most things were not so serious.  He was approachable and open and smiled.  alot.  so he was easy to talk to and hang out with.  I know i took that for granted.  how easy it was just to BE with my dad. and still is.  Hes just a good guy.  even when i am annoying him by shaking my leg at the dinner table.  or rocking in my chair. or talking nonstop.  He handled all of that with a little frustration and  a great deal of humor.  Which might be why i was never really self conscious about it.  I'm sure my parents had plenty of discussions about how hyper i was.  but they never said anything.  so i never thought it was bad.  annoying, yes.  bad, no.  it was just another part of me.  and my dad loved me just the way i was.  and he still does :)

My dad demanded the best from me.  He pushed me to excel in sports and school.  He drove me to camps and clinics.  He went with me to Jr Olympics. And he said to me "if you get in to Brown, you are going". period.  even though financially it was a giant hardship.  not to mention it was 8 hours away.  he just believed 100% that it was the best thing for me, even when i wasnt so sure.  he pushed me to step out of my comfort zone and expected me to rise to the occasion.  and while i knew it was a hard decision, i didnt realize just how HARD it was for my parents to make that a positive for me.  the juggling and late night discussions that i wasnt privy to.  all i got was a great big, i'm proud of you and yes you are going.  Oh, and i'm going to drive 8 hours both ways to watch you play.  Because that showing up thing didnt go away just because it was no longer convenient.

I am not ashamed to say that no man I ever met was my father’s equal, and I never loved any other man as much. ~Hedy Lamarr

My dads guiding philosophy may as well be "whatever you need".  No one likes to ask for help.  But we all need it.  Over the course of my adulting, i have needed advice, a shoulder to cry on, and of course, money.  None of which are easy to ask for.  Or admit you need.  But my dad makes it easy.  Whether it was can you co-sign my loan for my car, or oh my god i'm pregnant, my dad always looked me right in the eye and said whatever you need doll baby.  And he meant it.  I know now, as i've always known, that my dad would do absolutely anything in his power to help me.  Having that safety net taught me that everything would work out.  It might not work out exactly like you wanted it to, but there is always a solution.  Thats an amazing gift.

My dad is a fighter.  He has a challenging heart.  I cant say its a bad heart, because i think its one of the biggest and best hearts ever made.  but it doesnt always work the way it should.  he had his first quadruple bypass when he was 52. and for the last 23 years he has had more than a few ups and downs with it.  At 52, he felt like he was living on borrowed time. and now, at 75, he is making the most of every day.  We joke that he is turning in to an old woman.  But really, while we give him a hard time, he is still exactly the same guy he has always been.  and he is still there for us every single day - in all of the important ways.

Nothing is worth more than this day. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

My dad is also the best grandfather.  Every single thing he did for me, he does for my boys.  He has passed his big smile, whatever you need,  always there presence onto all 3 of my kids and they are better men for it.  You can see pieces of my dad in all of my kids.  and not just genetically.  i mean, they all got some version of the "quill" nose, but they also got in varying degrees his sense of humor, his determination to do whats right, and his commitment to family.  his gift to all of us is the legacy i see in my boys every day.

My dad showed me every day how important family is.  He lived it.  Friends come and go throughout our lives.  And my dad has had some amazing lifelong friends.  but family is the constant.  Family is the cornerstone to build everything else around.  We make the time for each other because it is important - but i think it became important to US because its important to HIM.  We started having Sunday breakfast about 2 years ago.  After my dads last very scary hospital stay.  we needed one more reason to make sure we got together on the regular.  So every Sunday, we go to Ihop.  We order the exact same things and talk about all the same stuff.  We talk politics and sports.  Basically, we do what we have always done - enjoy the time we get to spend together. 

My dad loves to listen to the rain.  He always has.  Maybe it was his version of "taking a moment".  who knows.  im sure he needed a break from our craziness.  now he takes those moments a lot.  even without the rain. he is slowing down.  And he is making us all slow down a bit with him.  Maybe this lesson is one we cant appreciate until we are grown.  because stopping to smell the roses doesnt seem that important when you believe you have all the time in the world.  and then one day you look up and realize time is moving faster than you would like it to.  taking the time to be grateful and to enjoy the moments as they come is the most important thing we can do for each other. i love you Pop xo

The best thing about the future is that it comes only one day at a time. ~Abraham Lincoln

The Jonquil Flower’s Message Is…

Nothing bad can last forever because spring is always just around the corner. You can recover from anything if you focus on the positive, and good things are already on their way to you.

cooper

"but MOM, where's the PUPPY?"  that's my first memory of walking into the house with Cooper for the first time.  we had SCOURED for months for a rescue dog that resembled or might possibly be a dalmation - which was 5 year old Josh's obsession.  and when we finally found him (thank you SMAWL), i immediately made plans to get this super cute, very tiny, white with black spots puppy.

and then i went to pick him up.  and he weighed 26 pounds....ALREADY.  the look on lisa's face, which must have mirrored mine, when we got to the foster was an incredulous WHAT THE FUCK?  he's HUGE.  ALREADY.  i should go back and say, we had a schnoodle already.  but she was getting old and no longer playful, and josh really really really wanted a puppy.  and we love dogs, so why not.  my husband, very wisely asked me to take sammie to meet the puppy before we committed. but in my infinite wisdom i felt that was unnecessary.  so off i went to pick up my puppy.

and i walked in with a "puppy" that outweighed my full size schnoodle.  who HATED the puppy.  immediately.  so we were off to a great start. by christmas of our first year, cooper was closing in on 50 pounds, sammie was miserable and spent most of her time avoiding cooper, but the boys were in heaven. 

“The dog was created specially for children. He is the god of frolic.” -Henry Ward

and so it went - for the next 12 years or so.  that picture is our first christmas with coop - and our next to last. my boys have literally grown up with him.  along with all of their friends.  cooper was a fixture (obviously) and you could always tell who was comfortable at our house, and who wasnt, by how they talked about coop. 

he was a gentle giant at heart.  with a supremely scary bark.  and he fit our family to a T.  he would love on you forever, if you were brave enough to get close to him.  and if you weren't, he never ever warmed up to you.  sounds familiar, right?  i have a million cooper stories, and could go on forever.  but i wont.  because they all just make me so sad.  we always said, in the abstract, that because he was so big, when he couldnt support his weight anymore, then it would be time to let him go.  and that sounds completely reasonable and humane, until that time comes.  then it is just devastating.

Dogs' lives are too short. Their only fault, really. ~Agnes Sligh Turnbull

cooper was a giant dog who thought he was a small dog.  we always wanted to be with you, or on you, and was always in the same room with someone.  and was ever so happy to shed a small dogs worth of white dog hair all over you, your clothing and anything else he happened to come into contact with.  it was a sign of love. 

as he got older, he never got any less playful.  at 8 every night, he would decide it was time to run circles around the downstairs and get the other dogs all fired up.  it was crazy loud and super funny.  josh has a zillion videos of our evening antics.  and he was that dog that never ever wasnt happy to see you.  he never ignored you.  he spent time with everyone in the house.  its like he just wanted everyone to know how much he loved them.  he was literally the perfect dog.  except maybe for the shedding :).

at heart tho, really, he was josh's dog.  and mine.  its funny how that works.  sammie was kris' baby.  jake has bruno.  luke has delilah.  and josh shares cooper with me.  and for that i will always be grateful.  josh has a totally soft heart. and cooper was the exact right dog for him to grow up with.  cooper was such a part of our house - both physically and emotionally - im not even sure what it will look like without him.  his presence was something no one could ignore, and his absence will sit heavy here for a long time.

• “The one best place to bury a good dog is in the heart of his master.” – Ben Hur Lampma

for me, his passing  really represents the change we are all experiencing.  time just doesnt stop.  the boys are grown.  moving on.  cooper was a huge part of my boys childhood.  he experienced every bit of all of those milestones with us.  and was just PRESENT for all of it.  his big heart was always open for us and i will miss him more than i can say.  and i will also miss all that he represented for me.  and yet im so glad that we got to share all of that with him.

the running joke with my family is my cow obsession, that started right about the time that cooper started resembling one.  i always told people that we had a small cow living with us.  and there is just nothing that can replace him.  i will forever be grateful that we had him as long as we did.  and that my boys have learned this last lesson in compassion from him.  and for him.

sweet dreams, coop.  rest easy.  you deserve it more than you know.  and we will forever carry you in our hearts.

You think dogs will not be in heaven? I tell you, they will be there long before any of us. ~Robert Louis Stevenson

what happened to common sense

com·mon sense kämən ˈsens/

noun         good sense and sound judgment in practical matters.

so im going to start with this - lets just agree to disagree.  because we are going to.  there are about 15 different sides to this argument and they all have valid points. but until we can agree to actually LISTEN to each other, we are doomed to keep witnessing these horrific mass shootings.

and if we are honest - there isnt one answer.  we ALL share the blame.  its just that its so much easier to blame someone else, and hold tight to our singular righteousness.  which is complete bullshit.

It is no good casting out devils. They belong to us, we must accept them and be at peace with them. ~D.H. Lawrence

i have to be honest.  until this election, i would have considered myself a moderate republican.  if i had to ascribe a "label" to myself.  and i believed that most people were "moderate" somethings.  and maybe we all are.  BUT what i am coming to learn is that most of us are MOSTLY moderate.  and then there is that ONE issue that we lose all rational sense about.  and its totally different for everyone.  and somehow that ONE issue, becomes how we define ourselves - and how others define us.

a large majority of my friends are conservatives.  religious.  gun owners. unfortunately to me now - that is how republicans are defined.  to be "conservative" in our current culture, you must be pro-life, and pro-gun.  PERIOD.  and believe that the word liberal is somehow synonymous with "ax murderer".  i read a post from a friend that was a complete indictment on how liberals want to CONVERT everyone to their beliefs.  and to me, that is the crux of the problem.  we are villifying the "other side".

There are truths on this side of the Pyrénées, which are falsehoods on the other. ~Blaise Pascal

who decided that there were only two sides?  and why do YOU get to tell me which side im on?  let me voice a few opinions - from what i think are the middle of the road:

I think owning guns is your right.  To defend yourself, certainly.  To hunt for sport, sure.  Am i a fan?  absolutely not.  Do i own a gun?  nope.  But i am 100% behind your right to do so.   However, do i think you have the right to own an assault weapon?  absolutely not.  just because they make these really cool guns that experts developed to help us win WARS, doesnt mean they are appropriate for the general population.  Im not allowed to drive a tank down the street.  its the same thing.  they are safer for ME and MY FAMILY.  just because you dont own one, doesnt mean it should restrict my ability to drive one.  who cares that it negatively impacts YOU.  MY rights supercede YOURS IN ALL THINGS, right?

It's not the bullet with my name on it that worries me.  It's the one that says "To whom it may concern."  ~Anonymous Belfast resident, quoted in London Guardian, 1991

I'm totally pro-choice.  Your body is YOURS.  Do i personally support abortion?  you bet i do.  you know why?  if you cant afford a baby, or honestly dont want one - DONT HAVE ONE.  but deni, what about those innocent lives?  dont they have a choice?  NO.  they don't.  i mean in an ideal world, sure.  but how many children go hungry in our country today?  how many kids are not adopted?  how many children are living in horrible conditions, or on the street?  how many are growing up in abject poverty?  until we are willing to solve those problems, and guarantee that ALL children will be safe, and well taken care of, no one gets to mandate their birth.  is that callous?  inhumane?  im not sure.  but i dont believe its any more inhumane than making a woman give birth to an unwanted child?

Society does not need more children; but it does need more loved children. Quite literally, we cannot afford unloved children — but we pay heavily for them every day. There should not be the slightest communal concern when a woman elects to destroy the life of her thousandth-of-an-ounce embryo. But all society should rise up in alarm when it hears that a baby that is not wanted is about to be born. ~Garrett Hardin (1915–2003)

which leads me to bad parenting.  we all want to blame those damn "bad" parents for all of societies problems.  "when i was a kid" we got spanked blah blah BLAH.  well bully for you all.  i'm glad YOUR children are perfect. im sure NONE of them is ever going to grow up to be a school shooter. right?  i mean, who RAISES those kids anyway?  isnt there like, a parenting class we all have to take or something?  you know, like drivers ed, except for raising kids.  no?  so we all are just doing the best we can?  that doesnt seem like a very good system.  i mean, are you a bad parent if your kids know how to handle weapons? or are you a good parent?  this is where the confusion lies.  are you a good parent for sending your kid to private school?  or are you shielding them from reality?  see where i'm going with this?  maybe you  just have a bad kid.  WHAT did you say, deni?  a "bad" kid - how dare you?  is it your fault, or is it his fault?  it has to be someones FAULT, right?

What's done to children, they will do to society. ~Karl Menninger

wait, its the video games.  and the movies.  PORN - that's it.  society is bad.  my kids dont stand a chance.  i am a great parent, but school is responsible. or tv.  i'm not sure, i just know its not me.  im digressing, but are you starting to see the point?  there are literally 400million different ways to look at all of these issues.  and until we remove the filter of "ME", then we are doomed.

life is not one single issue.  we have to stop voting our lives away as if it is.  if you are pro-life, but believe in an assault weapons ban (which i think you probably SHOULD if you are pro life and all), then start asking tougher questions when you vote.  and maybe start asking yourself some harder questions.  do you want to send your kid to a school where all the teachers are armed, so that you can restrict someone elses rights to choice?  and if so, how is that different from me wanting to restrict YOUR right to own an assault weapon?  is it different?

If the only tool you have is a hammer, you tend to see every problem as a nail. 

~Abraham Maslow

im not sure how we lost our way.  innocent lives are being lost every single day.  to gun violence.  to cancer. to poverty.  there is more than ONE issue that needs to be addressed.  trying to find a single, one size fits all answer is impossible.  everyone needs to bend.   we cant blame everyone else.  WE are to blame.  all of us.  for constantly choosing sides.  for always wanting to fight.  for not listening when someone else speaks.

this is my version of "see something, say something".  peoples rights are going to be infringed on in small ways.  they already are. i cant buy sudafed without a license.  i cant drive without a seatbelt.  i cant buy drugs, even if they help me.  my kids cant buy alchohol, or cigarettes or lottery tickets - because somewhere along the lines, we decided these things were bad for them.  but you know what they can buy?  lots and lots of guns.  i dont see the logic in that.  call me crazy.

its time for change.  id like to think we can do it together.  you give a little. i give a little. and we reach a place where we start to find some common ground.  keep your guns, give me the assault weapons.  keep my choice, but ban late term abortions.  stop worrying about who marries who, and worry about who you marry.  you can keep your rights, and i can keep mine.  yours dont preclude mine, and vice versa.  we need to stop letting people pit us against each other.

Won't you come into the garden? I would like my roses to see you. 

~Richard Brinsley Sheridan

do me a favor.  ask your friends how they honestly feel about different things.  do they care about assault weapons?  do they care about abortion?  how about gay marriage?  these are the single issues we are voting on.  and its dragging us all down a path where we cant join together to find real solutions to the BIG problems.  we have a mental health crisis in our country.  an opioid epidemic crippling communities. we have crumbling infrastructure, and serious military challenges across the world.  and yet, here we are, still just pointing the finger at each other.

im encouraged by the high school movement.  im so glad to see them engaged in the conversation.  they are asking hard questions, and expecting answers. without the politics.  most of them dont even identify yet.  they are PRE label americans.  and we could all learn a lot from them.

I brought children into this dark world because it needed the light that only a child can bring. ~Liz Armbruster