BE the sunshine....an intention and a tribute: the food challenge

If you’re happy, you eat. If you’re sad, you eat. You lose a job, you eat. You get a job, you eat. It’s, you know, it’s addiction.
Barbara Cook

one of my greatest long term relationships is with FOOD.....sometimes i hate it, but mostly i just LOVE LOVE LOVE it!! i am not now and never have been one of those "oh i'll just have one" kind of people - and i truly do admire them.....i would say that at heart i am truly a glutton.....i'm sure i could go see a therapist and we could dissect the whole OCD/addictive personality disorder that is me.....but clearly i'm aware of it, so why waste the time :)

now when i tell you that i love food, i don't mean it like i enjoy sitting down to a good meal - i mean it like i wake up thinking about it and pretty much plan my entire day around where my next meal is coming from.....there are times when i am better about this than others, but ultimately it always comes back around to my obsession with food......and its not always bad - when i'm eating heathly - i'm all about that too - i'm pretty much just all about whatever food i happen to be eating at the time....

and its inescapable as a parent.....i not only have to think about what I want to eat, but i have to grocery shop for my kids and plan their meals also.....somehow this has always been my job...so when i wake up in the morning, not only do i immediately think "what am i eating for breakfast?", i'm also thinking "what are the kids having for dinner?"....its a never ending cycle of food, food, food.....

and the irony is that i KNOW what i should eat - i know what i should feed my kids....but i still struggle EVERY DAY with food.....WHY is that?? i am the first person to tell you that junk food is bad for you - i jumped on the whole grain, vegetarian thing long before it was trendy....probably to make up for all of the years i existed on doritoes and pepsi.....but eating right and knowing how, doesnt make it any easier to walk by the cupcake store and not go in.....i count it as a MAJOR ACCOMPLISHMENT when i leave the grocery store without chips or cookies.....and it doesnt happen often.

you see, i sincerely struggle with this ridiculous argument ..... why shouldnt my kids eat oreo's and doritoes while they can - because clearly one day they will know they shouldnt .... why suck all of the fun out of food when they are young??? WELL maybe because its BAD FOR THEM to eat processed chemicals??? i mean, i know that's true - there is absolutely no good reason to eat oreos - except that they are YUMMY!! and dont my boys have enough going on with school and sports that they should ENJOY their food?? yes that is a COMPLETE rationalization.....so the happy medium is that i ATTEMPT to make them better real food -and then let them have crappy snacks....when i actually stopped making things for dinner that came out of a box, the kids started eating a least marginally healthier.....and clearly we do eat our share of fruits and veggies....but STILL - when you get right down to it, i still want my chips and dip.....

you might ask WHY this is coming up now - or again.....not sure really, except that i KNOW i am eating like garbage right now.....and cant seem to stop myself.....what's that all about?? i see a picture of my friend from the gym and she looks AMAZING....and i think - wow, she looks fantastic and i really need to get my ass back in shape......and then i talk to my friends who are going thru a hard time and think - so i'm a little heavier than i would like, but really in the grand scheme is that so bad??? i can ALWAYS find a rationalization to EAT!! i mean, i just literally proved to myself that i could go 4 days without eating anything.....and the minute i broke that cleanse, i was right back on the junk....what is WRONG with me??? and now its even funnier because i have the crazy idea that if i'm going to break down and have something bad for me - i may as well have it INSTEAD of dinner - that way i'm not adding extra calories - i'm just not eating anything at all with any value!!

do i know that food is fuel? yes...... do i know that eating processed food is bad for me? yes ..... do i firmly believe in a plant based diet? yes....does any of that stop me from eating badly? NO

my favorite food story that i tell all the time involves me going to my family doctor because i sincerely thought i had a problem with my thyroid - i was working out 6 or 7x a week - and hard- teaching everyday and training....and still could not seem to lose any weight .... so when i sat down with my doctor and we went over what i ate and drank in a week - he looked at me and said - "its a good thing you work out like you do, because you shoud weigh 400 pounds"..... awesome!! and now that i'm not working out like a fiend anymore- its definitely catching up with me....

so i guess by admitting it, i'm hoping to guilt myself into at least attempting to eat better - or if not, to at least start working out more....i'm getting there - i'm definitely not back to every day - but i'm up to about 4 days a week (mostly)...so i guess its a start....but it still didn't stop me from having this for dinner: