my high horse

ok, so i had something completely different planned to write today......and in hindsight completely hypocritical....in the vein of my "honesty" pledge, it had to do with my reaction to seeing this magazine.  REALLY???? that is what goes thru my head when i see something like this....it reinforces all of the ridiculous negative stereotypes i buy into about religion...and media - is it really necessary to put a "jesus saves" message on the front of the freakin SUN magazine?  and didn't you read "heaven is for real'? cuz that's not what jesus looks like!!

here i am walking thru target, all up on my high horse when i decide to go back and get the book i was there for in the first place - well i was really there for dog food, but you know what i mean.  in between my interviews for next years potential brown students (which was what i was originally going to write about and will come back to another day), i started to read "have a little faith"......suffice it to say, i finished it tonight, and in between bouts of feeling like a terrible person AND crying, i thought that i needed to write about it.  because what i realized as i was reading - over and above identifying with the authors struggle with faith - is that I am the person i most often criticize.....i am just as guilty, if not more so, of judging people than those people i throw under the bus about it.  who the heck am i to judge the people i perceive to judge others.....and isn't that exactly what i'm doing when i look down on their "over zealous" approach to something that i am not comfortable with?  it's hard sometimes when you have to look in the mirror and realize that something you are proud of about yourself, isn't necessarily true.  now to be fair, i TRY not to judge.....but i have come to realize that in looking for the "truth" about a topic that is entirely subjective, i have fallen into the trap myself of trying to be right.  and if i'm right, then someone else is wrong.  who am i to decide that???  so this is me, officially attempting to get off my high horse :)

i would encourage any and all of you who read this, to check out have a little faith....its a fairly quick, easy read.....and i think what i most felt after reading it is HUMBLED.  i highlighted a lot, as i do when i read so i'll just point out a few of the things that jumped out at me....

from the author:  "by the time i graduated and went out into the world, i was as well versed in my religion as any secular man i knew.  and then?  and then i pretty much walked away from it.  it wasn't revolt.  it wasn't some tragic loss of faith.  it was, if I'm being honest, apathy.  a lack of need."  in referring to his relationship with GOD: "we had forged a sort of 'you go your way, i'll go mine' arrangement"


i'm skipping the story part because i really want you to read it, but some realizations:
"if the only thing wrong with Moses is that he's not yours; if the only thing wrong with Jesus is that he's not yours; if the only thing wrong with mosques, Lent, chanting, Mecca, Buddha, confession or reincarnation is that they're not yours - well maybe the problem is you."

"i was a smart person who 'got things done', and because of that, the higher i climbed, the more i could look down and scoff at what seemed silly or simple, even religion.  but i realized ... that i am neither better nor smarter, only luckier......so many people are in pain - no matter how smart or accomplished - they cry, they yearn, they hurt.  but instead of looking down on things, they look up, which is where i should have been looking too.  because when the world quiets to the sound of your own breathing, we all want the same things: comfort, love, and a peaceful heart."

its interesting when you read something honest -that comes with some skepticism - that resonates with you.  for all of the people that are bound by their faith, in whatever form it takes, i think there is another group out there that is bound by the search for it.  i don't think anyone wakes up and says, "i don't really need to have faith", and i honestly believe that this "searching" is what has led to so many of the religions that have sprouted from the original.  it's okay to question, and evolve, because essentially the issues of faith and religion are two very separate things.....finding one does not have to mean finding the other.....and having one doesn't mean you have the other.   i feel like if somewhere in my mind i can keep those two concepts in different boxes....i can look at this journey on 2 totally separate levels.  trying to bring it all together in one happy, neatly organized place may not be possible for me.....religion to me is about society and family and tradition, not necessarily about GOD.  and faith is about nothing else.  maybe i'll never be able to put the two in the same box....who knows?

so i guess my first big revelation is that i don't have to know the answer - in fact, i may not ever.  the search for the answer is answer enough on its own, right now.  and i'm lucky to even be on the journey.