"one day" is today - take 2

this is hopefully going to work this time....i wrote this blog last thursday and then had my site not work and then my computer lock and lost it....so it may not be as good but i'm trying again....take 2

okay so you know when you were younger and people would say "one day" you're gonna be sorry you......well for me it was always things like played so hard or worked so much or worked out so often.....and i would always always shrug it off....because i love to play my sports and needed to work and was pretty obsessed with working out at 20.....i heard my most serious you're gonna be sorry when i had my second knee surgery, after the "you should probably just stop playing speech".....but i've had several - including the you're  gonna be sorry you started waitressing so young from ozite at captain billys where i slung crab trays for 13 hours a day almost every weekend for 10 years.....

but honestly i just never really gave any credence to any of those warnings....who does, really?  but the irony is that apparently today (or actually last thursday :) was that day for me....i woke up just flat out SORRY for all the abuse i've put my body thru over the years......i guess you just cant ignore things that you dont like to hear - altho i'm pretty darn good at it!

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
-- Woody Allen

so why now?  i woke up on the couch, where i sleep pretty much one week a month because my back gets so bad i cant sleep in bed....i guess leaning against the back of the couch is my back's version of comfy.....i also of course have knee issues - which i expected after all the surgery and warnings....but what i wasnt expecting were the rest....my heel is killing me and makes me look like 100 year old grandma every morning when i get out of bed....my first 10 steps every day are absolutely comical.....i'm chalking this one up to the fairly new running habit, but seriously??  so you have at the ripe old age of 40 back, knee, ankle and heel issues.....and some minor hand/arm issues that i mainly ignore....i always joke at softball (when i'm NOT warming up) that i have a finite number of throws left in my arm and i need them all to play!!  which started out as a JOKE, but really feels pretty true at this point!!

what to do about it is the question?  because you know what? i have no intention of stopping any of the things that contribute to my physical demise.....ok, i'd love to give up the sitting in my car for a zillion hours a week, but that's the one i have the least control over....i'm absolutely NOT going to give up softball or soccer or the gym.....running, maybe :)  but not before this year is out and i've hit all my goals for 40 first!!!

“You've got to love what you're doing. If you love it, you can overcome any handicap or the soreness or all the aches and pains, and continue to play for a long, long time.” - gordie howe

this is my philosophy.....life is not going to get any easier.....my body is definitely NOT going to bounce back like it used to....so my options at this point are to suck it up and continue to play/work/lift,  or just stop.....and really would it be worth it?  no way.  maybe in a way its a good thing my original blog wouldnt post because this lesson was completely reiterated today.....it was the first day of spring softball in the county - and my family has almost always had a family team.....it started a million years ago with my parents and we picked it up when my kids were little - and we've had some pretty kick ass family teams over the years - and my pop pitched for us forever.....and today was the first day i actually got to play with one of MY kids....which makes me feel super old, but also really really happy!! what a cool tradition - sports rock for so many different reasons, but especially this one - we GET to share this passion with our kids on a fun level - and show them that YES you can PLAY however long you choose to!!  aches and pains are a part of life....just one more thing that you have to learn to live with.....and really not such a bad trade off in the grand scheme of things

“Pain is temporary. Quitting lasts forever.” - lance armstrong

the answer really is pretty simple - just dont give up.....on any of it - even though sometimes that seems like the best answer....we only get this one go around....and i know for me its worth every achy morning to spend the time i get to play softball and soccer with my friends and family....probably every really true friend i have ever made has been on a field of some kind - why would i ever want to give that up??  i'm going to optimistically hope that someone in the next 10 years invents a way to reinject cartilage into your joints :) then i may never have to stop playing !!  as for work, well that's not an option -and working out - that's not much of one either - since clearly the "stop eating" message refuses to take seed in my head.....so really the only thing i'm currently doing that is contributing to my old ass aches and pains that MIGHT have a foreseeable time limit is the running....because, lets be honest, that's WORK for me....and i'm not getting any better at it.....but i'm still determined to stick it out for the year!!

even if my "one day" IS today, i can still say with all honesty that i wouldn't change a thing - yes i'm paying for all the years of abuse in small ways.....but i dont regret it for one single second....it makes me who i am....and reminds me on a daily basis that these are MY CHOICES....i am choosing to live my life to the fullest that i can....in the ways that make sense to me.....it doesnt have to be the way for anyone else...it just has to work for me!  and my aches and pains remind me that i HAVE lived...and pushed myself....and hopefully made myself better along the way!

how much is too much

i've been mulling over the best way to "represent" all of my people next week at the avon walk....i know its TECHNICALLY a walk for breast cancer, but it just doesn't seem right to me to only represent that small part of the disease that so many are battling....so here is what i came up with....a patchwork backpack if you will, that unfortunately was much too easy to fill....it seems that 2012 is to be the year of challenges on many different fronts - some more serious than others, but all stressful in different ways....and i'd  just like to know, how much is too much??  at what point do you just have to say ENOUGH....i'm tired of bad news and being sad.....i'm tired of having to constantly try to make things better for everyone, when sometimes things just aren't going to be better for awhile.....sometimes the only answer is that you just have to get thru.

One of life's best coping mechanisms is to know the difference between an inconvenience and a problem. If you break your neck, if you have nothing to eat, if your house is on fire, then you've got a problem. Everything else is an inconvenience. Life is inconvenient. Life is lumpy. A lump in the oatmeal, a lump in the throat and a lump in the breast are not the same kind of lump. One needs to learn the difference. ....  Robert Fulghum

trying to separate the big things from the little things is tough....when it feels like they all blend together.  but in reality there ARE differences....in my house, which is of course dominated by lacrosse, losing feels a bit like a curse.....we dwell on it, obsess over it, hash it over until there is nothing left...and then hash it over some more....and on a night like tonight when the team seemed to actually just give up, its hard to put it in its proper perspective...but you have to....because really what we lost tonight was a GAME - okay and maybe a little respect (it was a REALLY bad game)....in the grand scheme of things its not even worth a conversation....but its very very hard to LIVE in the GRAND SCHEME.....yes, my kids are well aware that their aunt passed away, and that they have 2 teammates whose dads are in the hospital fighting cancer....they GET IT - the big picture....they know their dad is struggling, but they dont usually see their dad when they look at him - they see their COACH.....so its normal for them to put aside these BIG PICTURE problems and focus on the issues sitting in front of them....which TO THEM are pretty big.....because for these teenagers, life IS about sports and school and friends right now....and yes, family.....but MY big picture has a lot more to it than theirs....and that's okay

In three words I can sum up everything I’ve learned about life. It goes on. .... Robert Frost

i think another very difficult thing we have to teach our kids is how to have perspective....because so often we dont have it ourselves.....yes, i can remind them that there are bigger problems out there, but really all that does is make them feel guilty....its human nature to move forward....we pick up where we can and we just keep putting one foot in front of the other....for some of us thats harder to do and takes longer, but for some of us it just happens.....being busy is certainly one way to cope with sadness....but another is to just absorb the pain....and neither is more right than the other.  having compassion for those who are struggling is so important, but so is trying to keep things as normal as possible.....so when you get hung up on the normal problems, its almost a relief!!  it was almost nice to see kris so pissed tonight - because then for those few minutes at least he wasnt sad.....but then sitting there talking to the kids you have to make them understand that THEIR COACH is mad, and probably disappointed, but THEIR DAD isn't - he's still just mostly sad and trying to get thru the day.....so whether or not you got playing time or scored when you should just isnt on the radar in THE GRAND SCHEME of HIS things....even tho they are on yours.....its just a life lesson....one where i'm hoping they learn to just feel grateful that their dad is still here to bitch at.

 

yes, the game could have gone better....and work could have gone better....and the house could be cleaner.....and the bills could be paid.....and the cat could stop bringing dead moles into the house.....and homework could take less time.....and my hot tub could stop leaking....and my 5k could have permits already....but none of those things are happening.....and that's okay....because IN THE GRAND SCHEME those are NOT problems....they are annoyances.....and i need to stop being so easily annoyed by them!!

what i am NOT doing...i'm not worrying over my pregnant wife who has cancer and is going thru chemo at 30 weeks like my cousin scotty....i'm not worrying over my husband who was just diagnosed with leukemia like my friend teresa....i'm not battling cancer myself like kathy or lisa....i'm not watching my mom suffer from the final stages of her battle like my friend sam.....and i'm not trying to comfort my kids after losing their mom like my brother in law jimmy....

all i can do is have compassion for them and their struggles - and try to teach my kids to do the same....i can try my best to be as NORMAL as possible for them, but i can also show them that they have to look outside of their box once in awhile so they can appreciate all of the things INSIDE of it.  and maybe take a second to offer a hand or a hug to those whose boxes are way more full of problems than ours.....

its getting thru each minute, each hour, each day that sometimes seems the hardest....especially when you are faced with REAL problems.....the best thing those of us on the outside can do is try to ease the burden in whatever way we can....and sometimes all that is, is providing a little perspective.  tomorrow i get to wake up and tackle another NORMAL day - and if that isnt a gift, i dont know what is right now...because i know an awful lot of people who would like nothing better than to wake up tomorrow to NORMAL, instead of to trying, or tragic......it all circles back to laura and her infinite wisdom....you have to be the sunshine for someone else whenever you can, because you never know when you will need someone else to be it for you.....

hug your family tonight extra hard....and be thankful for them every minute.....

good intentions

i'm finding that one of life's biggest daily challenges is expectations and how to meet them...or even having realistic ones.....perception is EVERYTHING and whether you are doing good or doing bad depends on not only your point of view but on the point of views of everyone else looking at you.  what one person considers success, another might consider only acceptable -and vice versa....what seems super motivated to me might seem like lackadaisical to someone else....its all in how you look at it.

this weekend has been interesting in several ways.....the first is that we had our first "real" softball tournament of the season....and this year we had to bump up a division - so the competition is a bit more steep...i only say a bit because a lot of teams who should play up in this division don't, because they dont have to....its just another one of those things that modern competition has created....we all want to be the big fish in the small pond..

anyway, several girls on our team did not get to play this weekend - and sat the bench behind a couple of players who we have picked up just for tournaments....again - we had to bump up - and in order to compete, we had some holes to fill.  but obviously the people who were already on the team did not consider themselves "holes"....its a hard place to be in....do you want to be on the better team and not play? or do you want to leave your team and stay at the current level in order to get your time?  or do you just not realize that you aren't ready for the better competition?  no one likes to admit that they are not "good enough" to play.  its all in how you look at it.....and its interesting to me because i (of course) feel like i'm pragmatic about it - so why wouldnt everyone else be?  its like all the people who expect their kids to get division 1 scholarships or play pro sports....i guess one or two are going to be right - but not the zillions that think it.  i KNOW that the only reason i am on the team i'm on (and can play at the level we play at) is because i pitch....i am in no way a good enough hitter to play at this level.....and i always tell my team that if they expect to win at this level then i better be batting ninth!!  its just the truth...i'm a decent hitter at best....but i am an above average pitcher....and i top out right where we are.....if this team has to bump up again, they will be looking to replace me too!!  its just about knowing your role and your place, and doing the best that you can with it.....

in much the same way, when it comes to trying to organize a large event, people need to play to their strengths.....EVERYONE has good intentions.....its trying to figure out how to mesh all of the people who want to volunteer with the best ways to utilize their talent.  and boy is that  hard.  its like asking 15 people who is the best speller in the room, and all 15 raising their hand.  everyone thinks their idea is the best, and their approach is the best....and you know what, they are all right....there is no wrong answer in how to put together a fund raiser - just a lot of different approaches.  so i find myself if the very unusual position of trying to put together this puzzle with no real knowledge of the players....just impressions and hope.....

The world needs dreamers and the world needs doers. But above all, the world needs dreamers who do.
Sarah Ban Breathnach

you know when you have something to do and someone volunteers to help - you immediately think to yourself "can they help??" - and depending on your answer (of course in your head) you either snap it up or politely thank them and say "i got it but thanks"....i mean lets be honest - the control freaks of the world only accept help when absolutely necessary anyway....and then only if they know whatever it is will get done FAST.....and we know who the "do-ers" on our circle of friends and acquaintances are......i got an email about doing a run down here on the same day as the one in rochester, so that our friends who wanted to participate didnt have to travel....we had a meeting 2 days later, and a minute after that the flier that you see above was created....DO-ERS are the key to the universe!!!!

so i am looking at a list of people and i have no idea who the "do-ers" are......and we have a really really short window to make this run-away event happen......it should be super interesting to see how this plays out....and i'm very very interested to see who the do-ers end up being....you know i love adding people to my list :)  i'm not sure how this all ties together except that its been a weekend filled with people who have a different impression of themselves than the one that other people seem to have OF them....and how do you reconcile the two?  i'm as guilty as the next person.... of course i think my way is the right way....and then you have someone point something out to you that you TOTALLY missed....and realize that everyone looks at things differently - and you need all of those angles to see the whole picture...

A gift consists not in what is done or given, but in the intention of the giver or doer.” - seneca

and then i realize that we are ALL do-ers....we just do things at different speeds and in different ways...the act of offering help in and of itself is a gift.....so i know we will figure it out....and i know that this incredibly crazy planning period will end up in a fantastic 1st event to honor Tiff.....as a matter of fact i'm sure she is amused by all the players trying to figure out how to work together - since she's the only one that knew us all.....it IS all about knowing your role....and my role in this is just to make sure it happens in whatever form or fashion we can....so that at the end of the day people have the opportunity to come out and celebrate Tiff's life, and raise some money to help find a cure for this terrible disease.

as always, i find my inspiration in the ROCK :)

soccer say what??

The oldest definition of sport in English (1300) is of anything humans find amusing or entertaining....HA!!

i wont even start with what i think is or is not a sport....but i found that definition amusing.....why now?  because tonight was a soccer night and it just struck me as funny....i think most people that know me would consider me competitive - i've already talked about that....and i'll cop to it, especially when its something i care about....but i find myself really for the first time in almost EVER being on the "boy do they suck" side of things....which is so INTERESTING to me....i'm perverse like that.

ok, so a group of my friends has been playing soccer together for the last 5 years or so - it started out as a lark - but it was something new and different and we had a really good time....so we just keep playing....the thing is - we have AT MOST 2 people on our team at any given time that have ever played soccer - we are generally known as that team that doesn't know the rules....but its been long enough now that people usually humor us.....and the funny thing is we are pretty good...for amateurs - we are mostly athletes and competitors....so in the "rec" league we were considered decent.....as a matter of fact, our team name one year was "good enough" - which was a smart ass answer to the really good team that thought we couldn't beat them (and we did).....i digress but i'll get there eventually....

fast forward a couple of seasons and we decided that we would move to the csm league - which was a bit more competitive but still a mixed bag....we were middle of the road there for a couple of seasons....and THEN csm decided not to host it anymore and the SOCCER team took it over.....so for the last 2 seasons we have found ourselves the ONLY non-soccer playing team in the league....and we are getting our asses handed to us on the regular....which is humbling in some ways - and completely entertaining in others....how can that be entertaining???  well, we really have absolutely NOTHING invested in soccer - other than as a reason to get together and get some exercise....while all these other teams are attempting to PRACTICE and GET BETTER....and we frustrate them to no end....we play completely undisciplined, lucky shot soccer.....its ridiculous....but add in an exceptional goalie (my sister) and some athletes, and we usually give them at least a semblance of a game.....BUT you can tell that they HATE IT.....and tonight we were playing a team that had that one bitchy girl - you know who they are - who thought this was the world series (or whatever you call it in soccer).....and she was just mean and pissy....which makes us (who have MUCH LARGER ASSES and BODIES) get physical in return....its got to be funny to watch....

anyhow, this led me to the revelation, that WE are that bitchy, condescending team in softball....that gets irritated when we have to play those division 3 teams that are just out there to have fun....we can say that we aren't.....but we are....NO ONE that is competitive LIKES to play teams that are well below their skill level....it makes you feel like a jerk when you win, and you get frustrated with yourself when you play crappy.....i'm telling you these chics tonight were yelling at each other, and we were just happy as clams - well not THAT happy - i think i got hit in like 4 different places by missiles and may not be able to walk tomorrow - but aside from that we had fun.....so after the game when we were talking about how upset they were it literally just dawned on me that THAT'S US....just in a different sport....i cant tell you how many times when someone is being an ass, someone on OUR team says, yeah well why dont you try softball and see how badly you beat us then!!  its just so silly - and we are CHOOSING to play!!

“Play keeps us vital and alive. It gives us an enthusiasm for life that is irreplaceable. Without it, life just doesn’t taste good” Lucia Capocchione

i guess the point is, that people play for lots of different reasons - and not all of them have to do with winning - or even being good......sometimes its just about the camaraderie or the exercise - or about having a reason to go get a beer afterwards.....and maybe i'll remember that the next time we have a game against a team thats just trying to have fun....and try not to be such a dick.....

perspective comes in all different shapes and sizes....and its funny how many different ways you can learn your lessons....while i will NEVER be a good soccer player, i will continue to play as long as i can get my friends to keep playing....because we dont need to be good to play - we just need to WANT TO.....and its not often we get to do things strictly because we want to....and dont you know that not only did i leave soccer tonight with a great sense of accomplishment (because we never have subs and 40 minutes is a long long time without subs), but also with a veggie baked ziti, pumpkin muffins and a great plant....because THESE girls are my friends....and they do what they can to try to help me feel better....not realizing that just showing up to play is the best thing that they can do!!  so it really has no bearing whatsoever on us whether we win or lose.....but wow did we sure make that other team mad :)

whenever tragedy strikes you learn really quickly whats important....and while i wont go into all of that, i will say i realized very quickly how much i count on my friends, and how much i look forward to  playing my games....all of them.  its an outlet for me, and one that is much needed.....because i know i do whatever i can for my family.....i work hard and honor my commitments....and i deserve my time to play....it makes me a better mom, friend, wife, person.....because i appreciate being able to embrace the part of my  life thats not so serious....after all, its just a game.....and next week will bring another one just like it :)  and i say, bring it on :)

no words and a guest blog :)

today is one of those days where i have not stopped for one second and i am just exhausted...i literally have no words - so i'm borrowing some.....one of the people who has helped me cope and inspired me to keep writing sent me her own thoughts the other day....and with her permission i am channeling her today.....one more way i am accepting help when its offered :)  its amazing how so many of us have thoughts that mirror one another....that knowledge  has also been a gift - we truly are all in this together.  i hope you find this as moving as i did when i read it the first time.

While going through the box of memorabilia from the past 10 years of the Memorial Garden Society, I was struck by the large number of deaths that have impacted our small community in such a seemingly short period of time.  What at first started as an organizational task of making sense of years of papers, pictures and programs, turned into a somber walk down memory lane.

I examined picture after picture, usually graduation or yearbook photos, of (mostly) young smiling faces with their entire future ahead of them, but tragically cut short by accidents and illnesses.  As each one of those young people posed for that picture, how could they have known how little time they had left? Who does at that age?  Those years are filled with dreams of immortality: It couldn't happen to me.  But it did.  Dreams their loved ones had for them: seeing them graduate, marry, have children of their own, all gone in the blink of an eye.  And even right now, I still see those smiles so vividly.

Even more vivid were the number of times I remember the announcements of those deaths.  Faculty meetings or late night phone calls breaking the news.  A feeling that made it hard to breathe.  Sometimes they came one at a time, sometimes in bunches.  It never gets any easier, and nothing can prepare a teacher for handling something like this with your students.  All you can do is hug and console and listen and cry. 

I read biographies that families wrote for their loved ones:  "We called her Pooh-Bear."  "She loved her brothers and sisters."  "He always thanked me for taking care of him."  "He wanted to be a doctor."  "She was my only child, and my world will never be the same."  All very different people, but very much the same.  To their families, they were the most important person, and now they're gone. 

After almost two hours of research, I stopped, and had a good cry.  It makes you want to go to each family and hug them, and tell them you read those beautiful lines about their daughter or son, and how special you know they must have been, and how sorry you are, but you know you can't because, well, that is unrealistic.  And who are you anyway? Most likely, they don't even know you. But would that matter?  Would it matter who you were if you just wanted to acknowledge the loss of their loved one? 

I once heard a mother who had lost a child say to one of her daughter's friends, "Please, just don't forget her."  I suppose that is a grieving parent's worst fear.  That one day, there won't be anyone left who cares to remember their most precious gift. 

So what are we left to do?  Remember them.  Acknowledge their loss.  Appreciate the gifts we have been given each and every day.

denise childers .... friend, teacher & keeper of the faith

accepting help

yes, those are lawn bags....and i took a picture because this is the one and only time you will EVER see them in my yard....and THAT is because a wonderful friend and neighbor decided to cut (and bag) our grass today - because apparently they are calling for rain tomorrow :) - and by her own admission she can't cook.....and just wanted to do something to help

people constantly amaze me with their capacity for generosity.  as we saw when frank and lori lost their house.....people WANT to help.....and often it is harder to accept help than to give it.  my first emotion upon driving into my driveway and seeing ann pushing a lawnmower thru my yard was GUILT!!  there's no reason i cant cut my own grass.....but i appreciate so much that she did it...because i hate to cut the grass and honestly would have let it go another week (at least).  so its not so much that i CAN'T do it....its just that its such a relief to NOT HAVE TO....but there seems to be a fine line in that "help" category....i just honestly didnt expect to be on the receiving end of it...

which brings me to the larger reflection.....i wish there was a place on the news for GOOD stories....i think part of the reason that things seem to bad is because that's really all we see....unless you watch shows like extreme home makeover, you never really get a good look at how altruistic a society we really are....but we are!  even in times where the economy is not great - our friends, family and community RALLY around each other constantly!!  we support school events, and charity functions.....we raise money for sports teams, and support mission trips.....we jump on board our friends causes and we help in any way we can....why is THAT not news??

“Love only grows by sharing. You can only have more for yourself by giving it away to others.” ― Brian Tracy

not only do we help each other in physical ways...we make dinners and mow lawns, and shuttle kids back and forth...but we also support each other emotionally.  i cant tell you how many calls, texts, emails, and cards we have received - just people reaching out to share the burden....and its an amazing gift.... i often find myself in the role of the "strong one"...you know - the one that never needs help - the one that does the helping and supporting....so its very humbling to be on the other side of that .... it makes you realize that noone likes needing help....and no one ever wants to be in a position where they have to accept it....but sometimes you dont get to make that choice.

so i will forever be grateful to my friends - and you all know who you are.....that realized that i needed a hug or sent me a note (in all the various forms)....its times like these that you realize why your best friends are your best friends.....because they are the ones that know you best and accept your weaknesses, as much as your strengths....i am truly lucky to have them all and i have been touched by every amazing gesture this week.....

its funny to me how it all comes full circle.....every tragedy reminds you of what you should be thankful for.....its just so sad that it takes something bad to shine a light on what is good.  and it takes realizing what you CAN'T do, to see that asking for or accepting help is not a bad thing.  its seems to me that i am in much the same place now as i was when i started the blog....same questions and challenges, just with a bit more focus.  and i guess in a better place for that help.....so i sent an email to one of my best friends from high school - asking for some perspective....and as always, she provided a great viewpoint from a completely different angle than my own....i love that about her - and i appreciate her outlook.  she sent me this quote:

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”   Matthew 11:28-30

and really, that is it  EXACTLY....of course this is a bible quote and it means in its strictest sense that i should let go and let God...which we all know i 'm not good at....but if you take the quote at face value - it also means accept the help thats offered - because those that are offering CAN handle what you can not.....

for the first time in a long time today i not only reached out for help, i was grateful for it!  i also snapped up a couple of offers for future help.....because you know what - i AM at my limit....and that's ok.....it has to be....yes, i want to get everything done myself, but i also want to at least attempt to enjoy my ride.....and part of that is going to have to be letting go of the reins a bit......

so one more time, thanks for all your words of encouragement and wisdom....thanks for reaching out and offering to lend a hand....and thanks for being a part of my life and bringing the sunshine :)

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.  It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being.  We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.  ~Albert Schweitzer

 

and life goes on

first id like to just say thank you to everyone who has reached out to me and kb during this past week - its been very difficult and your support means the world to us....i am attempting to retrench and get back up to speed, and its my intention to get back on the wagon with the blogs after skipping most of last week.....thanks for hanging in there with me.

as many of you know, we came home friday to a lacrosse game, prom and the warriors 5k this weekend - so its been a bit busy, to say the least....and while i know we both want to just lay in bed and stay there right now, its just not possible... and while i will admit to some hardcore wallowing right now, i had to laugh today.....and im not sure whether i was laughing at the ridiculousness of life sometimes or just my own idiocy....so i'll let you decide :)

it all starts saturday, when i went up to the rail trail - scene of sunday mornings run....i had to mark the course - and of course looked like a crazy woman running a 5k with field paint in one hand and my keys and phone in the other.....and yes, i said field paint....why on earth it never occured to me to use CHALK, i'm not sure....but i'm just going to say its because i had a long week and wasnt firing on all cylinders...its a good excuse anyway....so yes, i used field paint to mark the course....and i woke up today to an email from our park administrator asking why someone would think about doing THIS to the trail...."isn't it a little permanent???"

and its a shabby job at that....not cute at all....here is where you can decide whether i'm sleep deprived or just an idiot...i'm thinking "field paint"...it'll come off in the rain, right? and just in case it rains, i should mark the start and turnaround pointson the concrete, right??  well unfortunately neither of those things are true or came to pass....so really there is just an ugly spray paint line on a public trail....AWESOME.....and now i have to go try to get it OFF of the lovely trail, before the park administrator never lets me use it ever again.....

this is the even uglier "after" pic.....the good news is that you CAN remove field paint with bottled water, oxyclean and a good scrub brush.....the bad news is that there is no water out on the trail, so i didnt exactly finish....at least the name of the crappy vandals is no longer out there :)

my point in telling you this, is that life goes on...in all its normality......even if we arent ready for it.  at this point last week, we were in NY trying to wrap our head around the tragedy of tiffs passing.....i have a feeling that will be true for a long long time to come....but since that moment, we have been moving forward - planning the memorials in ny, and gearing up for the 5k in june.  there are a million details to see to, in addition to the mundane stuff like paying bills, and going to middle school adolescence lectures.  we dont get time to just STOP and reflect....and maybe that's a good thing - i just dont know.

i think the hardest part for me, aside from the blindsiding moments of loss that you feel, is the inability to THINK...i'm just so scattered in my head - i have 15 things rattling around and no clear list of how to get them done....which is very UNlike me....so im doing what i need to do when i need to do it....which is okay i guess, but its not making my list any shorter !

i mean really deni?  FIELD PAINT???  i have like 400 colors of chalk that i 'm sure i had to move out of the way to GET to the paint....i'm just not thinking clearly....and i HATE THAT.  and i'm overwhelmed by my list - which happens on occasion, so its not like i've never been here before....but usually its not accompanied by the foggy brain.....or maybe i have early onset alzheimers :) i DO have a child old enough to go to PROM!!!  which is a whole other ball of wax there.....

so here i am, trying to make inroads into the thank you cards i have to send out for the Steel Lillies (which btw has already reached its $10,000 mark) and then i stop to do the blog.....which was interrupted by like 4 emails about the run, and of course lacrosse.....its just EVERYWHERE.....and i'm not sure how to reign it all back in....(and i'm seriously open to suggestions here)

the good news - i'm sure i'll figure it out eventually....and we have already raised over 10,000 for our fund....and people are registering everyday for our inaugural 5k....AND josh got straight As while we were gone.....and the LP lax 5k went really well (aside from the spray painting debacle).....so we will just keep on keeping on, hoping that everyday gets a little bit easier......trying to focus on the important things and letting go of the mistakes.....after all, there isnt a whole lot that cant be fixed with oxyclean and elbow grease :)

It is the greatest of all mistakes to do nothing because you can only do little -

do what you can.  ~Sydney Smith

whats next

now that we are home, the challenge becomes how do you cope from a distance?  for me that means (of course) throwing myself into the NEXT thing....its what i'm good at - finding a project to sink my teeth into and keeping busy....so those of you who are around, be prepared to be recruited....i originally started this blog, and tiff's fund as a PERSONAL way to come to terms with my feelings AND to help us try to create something positive out of this horrible sadness....

but now its changed a bit....i mean, the blog is still for me (and you, i hope) to work thru these issues - i cant tell you enough how much it has helped me to have this outlet AND the feedback - it's truly been a blessing to me.

i guess the challenge for me now is how to make a difference on a bigger scale....when lisa and i signed up for the avon walk, it was a personal choice, as it related to aunt bobbie (and kathy, for me)....this blog was a direct result of laura's battle.....the fund was directly tied to tiff.....but what i'm realizing is that all of these individual events are so tied to the MUCH larger fight that we need to take up against cancer!!  yes, all of the individual efforts are important, i realize that....but i guess it might be time for me to up my game a bit....

i hope you like that logo....and i really hope you will be seeing a lot of it....i've decided my new personal mission is going to be to take on this cause......that may not seem like such a big deal, but for me, i've always looked at things on a smaller and more immediate scale - i raise money for sports or events or school....and then i move on....what i'm going to try to figure out - thru our steel lillies fund - is how to create a sustainable long term SIGNIFICANT effort in this ongoing fight....

the strides that have been made in breast cancer research, in large part due to the komen and avon foundations has been amazing.....and we can do that as well....this is something we cant wait for SOMEONE ELSE to do.....WE have to be the people that make it happen....for sarcoma research, and for all of the "other" cancers out there that no one knows about or knows how to treat.

i know we can make a difference....or at least give it a good try.....it seems all of the arrows are pointing in that direction....DO BETTER....BE BETTER....MAKE A POSITIVE CHANGE....BE THE SUNSHINE.....we can do all of those things if we just work together.....so let's see if i can put my motivation where my mouth is and try to shove this stupid disease back a step....i just cant handle one more person or one more family having to go thru this.....and rather than just be mad or frustrated, i'm going to choose to FIGHT!

and i'm going to keep after all of you to fight with me.....

we have a theme in our house that we try to live by....sometimes its much harder than others....but we always try to remind each other of it.....IF NOT NOW, WHEN?  because now is the only time we are guaranteed.....and its the only time that we know we can have an impact....so i'll put it out there for all of you as well.....we only get this one time around, and life is shorter than we think....so why not do the important things RIGHT NOW....even if the most important thing you have to do is kiss your kids or call your mom.....just dont wait.

how to say goodbye

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

i think the hardest part about losing someone is the not knowing.....not knowing what to say....or what to do....or when it might get easier.....when you might stop crying out of the blue for no apparent reason...

how can you give comfort to those who need it when you cant seem to find any for yourself?  i lost a sister, a friend, a sometimes foe.....but my husband lost a rock - a part of his foundation and his lifelong partner in crime....my in laws lost a daughter, and tiff's family lost their mother and love....there are NO WORDS that make any of that any better.....

tiff and i have an interesting history...of course i wasnt good enough for her only brother....who would be?  and she was TOUGH.....like me - so we spent a lot of time butting heads over silly stuff - she liked to put the coffee maker over my head so i couldnt reach it, and i liked to leave my stuff out on the counter where it made her nuts....its what we did.....family dynamics are a funny thing....we vacationed together for 20 years....and we argued...alot....and of course those are the things you feel sad and guilty about when someone gets sick..... i should have been nicer- i shouldnt have let those things bother me....but in reality when you have 2 really opinionated women, those silly fights are inevitable... i know that...and i realized we also spent a lot of time doing  other things....we shopped REALLY WELL...and we loved a corona light on the beach.....we both loved our family and loved to do artsy crafty stuff.....fun stuff that you do when you get together and have 5 kids to entertain.....and the one thing that always always always was at the center of it all is that we both love kris....so USUALLY we managed to rein it in before anyone lost any limbs !!  and we cut a serious swath thru tj maxx :)

my favorite word for tiff is feisty....she was a fighter - so i think the hardest part about her getting sick was that she didnt really attack her cancer.....of course, no one could know exactly how bad it was and how much pain she was in almost from the beginning....so i know she DID fight....in her way....until she just couldnt do it anymore.....and here we are - not 16 months from her original diagnosis....dealing with this loss.....this terribly wrong, grossly unfair loss....of yet ANOTHER 39 year old wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend.....i just cant make sense of it.

"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next." Mignon McLaughlin

the one thing that doesnt seem to change is that for those left behind, life goes on....not in the way you expect or want, but it does keep going.....of course in the short term there are the arrangements and dealing with the immediate issues....those are the things that make it possible to put one foot in front of the other.....tiff's husband is absolutely amazing - he has handled her illness better than anyone i have ever seen.....but he just was not prepared to lose her.....and how could you be?  kris' mom has been at tiff's side every single day since her diagnosis.....and having survived cancer herself probably knew better than anyone the toll this would take on tiff....but no one thought it would happen this fast.....or was prepared in any way for her passing...i just dont know how to help or what they will do next week when no one else is around and they have to start looking at their "new normal" lives without tiff.....what can anyone possibly do to make that any easier??

i think you have to BELIEVE that she is better off without her pain - even while knowing that YOU are NOT without her...

i think you have to have FAITH that she is in a better place - even while knowing that YOUR PLACE is not nearly as good.

i think you need to LEAN on those around you, after having been STRONG for so long yourself...

and mostly i think you just have to have COURAGE to face each day.....and live it to the best of your ability  - because that is what she most wanted to be able to do herself - and would want for each of us

"the longer you wait for the future -the shorter it will be" - loesge

how many more reminders do we need to be nicer, happier, more forgiving, less dramatic?  i'm not sure i can take anymore.  but i am going to keep trying to take the hint....life IS too short to spend any of it MAD or UPSET over silly things.....each and every person that we have let into our life is an absolute GIFT...one that can be taken from us at any time.....with no rhyme or reason.....we dont get to pick who stays and who goes.....so we need to make sure each person we love KNOWS how much we love them....how much we VALUE them and what they bring to our lives....before its too late.

i know that when this picture was taken...in 1995, i figured i would spend the rest of my life bickering with tiff....we turned it into its own sport over the 22 years we had together....what i didnt realize is that it wasnt the rest of MY life that i had to worry about.....

i'm not sorry for the fights we had....deep down we both kind of enjoyed that....we were both kind of perverse like that and it was good for family gossip - i told kris i feel kind of like megamind when he lost metroman......lost without my family foil (if you've seen the movie)....

what i AM sorry for is that i didnt tell tiff often enough what i loved about her....not the least of which was that she was a FABULOUS AUNT - boy did she love my kids (and they her).....i'm sorry i didnt make more of an effort to see her when she got sick.....and i'm sorry that i will  never again be able to walk into tj maxx without busting into tears (much like i did yesterday - which was both highly embarrassing and funny at the same time)....i wont go into all the things i wished i'd said....i have to believe that tiff knows i loved her - and i did....i wouldnt have wasted the time fighting with her if i didnt :)

you probably know about the fund we started when tiff got sick....of course that takes on a whole new meaning now....we are moving ahead with the 5k as planned on June 10th and i know more things will follow.  in her own unique way, tiff will leave behind a tremendous legacy...not only in her children and her family....but in how many people truly will rally behind her to fight this damn disease on her behalf.

if laura taught me to "be the sunshine" then tiff is teaching me to "rage against the dying of the light".....there is so much here worth fighting for.....and while i know i need to embrace my life and live it to the full, i also need to stand up and FIGHT for what i want to happen.....its the very least i can do to honor her and to make sure her memory lives on and makes a difference.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart, cling to them as you would your life...For without them, life is meaningless..

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

 

let the sun shine

i love the way the sun filtered thru this picture....and it seemed to be a great way to sum up my day....i had an absolutely lovely day doing nothing really out of the ordinary....except we all spent time together and took a minute to appreciate it....

after my late night easter bunny duties (filling & hiding 48 egss and 4 baskets, in case you were wondering), we woke up to a super fun easter egg hunt...after which we all laid on the couches and watched HOP.....and after THAT i convinced ALL OF THE BOYS to go for a quick 2 mile jog around the neighborhood....just to make all that candy go down a little easier :)

my sisters came over for a CRABFEST - which is definitely a strange easter brunch....but it worked!! the boys played one bounce, we got ice cream and here we are....really a pretty normal day in the grand scheme of things....but one that felt special somehow.

THE JOURNEY IS THE REWARD - chinese proverb

i know i dont take enough time to stop and smell the roses.....i am always always always rushing from one thing to the next....for some reason a holiday makes us slow down and take a minute to look around at all the blessings we have.....and i truly am so lucky to have my family.....i know they are growing up super fast, but they aren't gone yet.....and rather than spend time worrying about when that happens, i need to just take a second to enjoy them today....

its a variation on a theme, i know....but i'm not sure if you got this from my incredibly depressing funk writing, but i LIKE a PLAN.....i like knowing what is coming next.....i'm USUALLY ok if my plan changes, but i sincerely dont function well without a plan....i like knowing that we go to florida for spring break, and rochester for thanksgiving....i count on my trips to ocean city and florida for softball.....and none of these things are set in stone.....but they are habits and patterns that i find COMFORTABLE....so when i dont go to florida for spring break, im not sure how to react....clearly this year, i did not react well...i pouted and stewed...both VERY ATTRACTIVE qualities!! 

but today i rallied...i actually started to rally friday,but it was in full force today....i feel like i'm back, for the most  part.....apparently spring break is MENTAL...and while i still see my glowing white legs in the picture with the boys (because usually they would be TAN right about now), i mostly see the smiling faces of my boys!!  and that my friends is getting over a big hump for me....i'm sure you all saw a million cliches today on facebook and everywhere else....and i hate to be repetitive, but this is really the one that stuck with me today.....on easter.....

This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.  - psalm 118:24

i know i'm GLAD.....even going thru all the crazy stuff we have all have going on, there is always time to find something to be glad about....and usually a lot more than one thing....but even when it is only ONE thing, it always makes you feel better to think about it.....misery is self perpetuating.... i know because i was letting myself slide into it....and for no good reason....i just lost sight for  a second of the sunshine...and its abundance.....

the next time you hear me bitching and complaining about all the normal stuff i like to bitch and complain about, please feel free to smack me!  and remind me that my life is great - challenges and all.....and i'm lucky to have all that i have on THIS day....and EVERY DAY!

and on a programming note, dont forget to come out on sunday for our first ever WARRIORS LACROSSE 5k - 8am, white plains rail trail....be there or be square!!

that's me....being BUSY and being the SUNSHINE :)

holiday prep

happy easter eve :) .....as we are not usually home for easter, i have to say that we have NO ROUTINE whatsoever for how to celebrate this holiday....which is pretty interesting because we have such SET ways we celebrate every other holiday....not being the super religious family, easter for us has always just been about spending the day together...usually at the beach, and more often than not with kris' family.....this year, none of those things came to pass so we had to come up with something new....

what we decided on (since its just us and lisa) is CRABS!! holla!!  cant think of a better way to have a family day than to sit on the porch and kick  off spring, southern maryland style :)  the down side to this plan is that we had to clean off the porch....which could be certified as a disaster area...without exaggerating i can say that our porch in the winter functions as a lacrosse storage bin - and a giant collector of pollen....so the first thing we had to do today was wade thru the mess that we call our porch.....and we actually managed it, without any fighting or anything -which in and of itself is a minor miracle :) and i found this pic buried with my old group ex teaching stuff...which of course brought a huge smile to my face and reminded me ONCE AGAIN how lucky i am...and also how some things never change!!  that pic is from 2005, when both the boys played baseball - and i was just ramping up my teaching a notch....and just like now, i use my visual stuff to get and stay motivated....

what do these quotes talk about?  MOTIVATION, COMMITMENT & FLEXIBILITY!!  how ironic, right?  the EXACT same things i 'm still looking for today!!  i thought that was pretty neat...and it brought another degree of perspective to what i've been going through....my circumstances may change, but inside i'm basically the same - the same kinds of things motivate me and make me happy....i just have to remember that.....i may not always get to do what i want, but i eventually manage to find time somewhere for the stuff that i find fulfilling....so its allllll good in the long run....

the other funny thing that happened today is that i roped jake and luke into helping me take a test....yes, thats cheating -sue me.....i have to be honest and say studying for my personal training cert was one of the hardest things i've done post school...i read everything, i watched the videos, i listened to the audio almost constantly, and i seriously studied for that exam....it was very hard and i really really really dont want to have to do it again....my challenge is that i'm not really doing anything with my certification at the moment....i'm not training or even working in the gym - which makes my REcertification somewhat challenging....so i decided to take the online nutrition class....i DEFINITELY should have known better....here's where i say that the only C i ever got at brown was in (are you ready?) PERSONAL NUTRITION...yes, personal nutrition....advanced critical analysis of shakespeare...A, russian lit...A, personal nutrition...C - so apparently i was suffering under some kind of delusion when i thought, sure let's take THAT as my recert class.....

to say i have been quietly stressing about this online exam would be putting it mildly...its another one of those weights that have been hanging over my head.....and my deadline is quickly approaching....so i did what any self respecting parent of 2 extremely intelligent boys would do, and i made them sit with me while i took it!!  and boy am i glad that they are smart....because i STILL have ZERO retention when it comes to biology and physiology.....as soon as i see words that dont make sense to me, my eyes glaze over and i move on mentally....how HORRIBLE is that??  i have total confidence in my ability to train someone - and ZERO confidence in discussing nutrition....so i thought this course would help....NOPE!!  because again, i dont absorb any of it....i guess the good news is i have the books as a reference on my phone if i really NEED to figure something out....but the moral of the story is go ahead and ask me about working out....but never never never ask me for food advice (altho that should probably go without saying at this point :)

its also fairly funny because the second part of my recert is cpr/aed certification....again - if you collapse in the middle of my class, i'm calling 911....and panicking....i am SO NOT the girl that jumps in to do cpr....not happening....i'm the crazy loon that has a nervous breakdown in a crisis...not the calm, step by step person....and while i have been cpr certified for the better part of 10 years, you can STILL bet i wouldn't remember how to do it...nor would i have the presence of mind to actually perform it....back at gold's when i regularly had a few older people in my class, it was running joke with me bc i literally asked them every 5 minutes if they were okay...because i would say at the start of class, please dont have a heart attack in my class because i will panic and not help you....so its probably a good thing that i'm not in the fitness business full-time huh?? i'm good on mechanics though :) and i can make you a kick ass plan....i better partner with a nutrition and cpr person at some point if i decide to be a real trainer when i grow up!!

“The doctor of the future will no longer treat the human frame with drugs, but rather will cure and prevent disease with nutrition.”  ~Thomas Edison

i totally agree with this statement.... i think that nutrition is such a vital key to our overall health....and i find it absolutely hilarious that i dont understand it....i THINK i do, in very general terms....but how food actually interacts with your body is way above my pay grade...and i wish doctors actually treated nutrition as a serious field....i want to go back to the old days where you had GPs who actually knew you and cared about your whole system....not just their little bitty part of it....but that's a topic for another day...my point is, its a very complex system that needs SERIOUS study....not just as an add on to a personal training cert for the crazies of the world like me....just my opinon.

because as a newly "certified" personal nutrition expert, i can tell you that i plan to eat absolutely nothing good for me tommorrow....my diet will consist of chocolate, sugar, shellfish and potatoes....and probably some beer just for good measure....whatever you do, DON'T get food advice from me....EVER :)

i hope you all have a lovely easter.....i'm actually really looking forward to being home....and hopefully i wont run into the window of the new church tomorrow thinking its a door!!

For I remember it is Easter morn,
And life and love and peace are all new born.  ~Alice Freeman Palmer

feeling old

today is just one of those days i'm feeling every one of my 40 years....not good or bad, just feeling them.  there are some days i wake and think, wow i have so much still to look forward to - and then some days i wake up and think, holy shit, my kids are almost gone.....today was the second.

i really did love being able to stay home when my boys were little - playgroups and crafts....as crazy as it all was, i really can say i enjoyed it....and i enjoy where we are now....not even a little bit less crazy, but still pretty darn fun....

its just that it seems like so much of it has already passed by....josh (my baby) is old enough now to give me the "i'm riding with my friends over to the park - i'll be back"....and i know that he is fine.....my older two are gone more than they are here.....and while i am happy that they all have great friends and are independent young men, it makes me feel OLD!  i know we've been teetering on the "they don't need me" for a while....for some reason today of all days, i think we fell over the line.....which on another day may make me feel like dancing around my kitchen, but today felt kind of like a blow!

i'm not sure exactly how it happened that i woke up today and my kids were grown up...it just did!  it was only yesterday i swear that they all needed me to wake them up for school and drive them to the bus...now i'm that mom that doesn't even get up for high school (much less pack a lunch) and spends about 20 seconds with josh before his bus comes....who am i?

while im not suffering from any kind of mid-life crisis (altho i guess i could be at my age), i really do see myself sitting at this fork in the road....on one side is the path to yesterday, where i look back and see all that has gone by and all that i might have missed....and on the other side is tomorrow....all the things that they have not done yet and all the possibilities.....i just haven't quite managed to make that turn yet.

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

i know that i am grateful for all the time i did spend with them....and i'm just hoping i manage to make the time these next few years also.....now is when you start to wonder....did i do the right things? are they ready to be on their own? should i be teaching them how to do laundry :) ? ok, i know i should be teaching them laundry stuff...that one isnt too tough....but you get my point....its a very reflective place for me - and it really just shows my age.  its funny when i think about it...i was the oldest 30 year old i knew - i had 3 young kids....dressed like an old lady and spent all my time at home.....and then i was the funnest (yes funnest) 37 year old i knew.... i had kids old enough to be at home without me for a dinner out, but young enough that i didn't really have to worry too much....and now i'm back to being the oldest 40 year old i know!!  ha....maybe 45 is gonna rock ....who knows!

i know i'm lucky to have my boys...and my memories...i just wish i felt more able to sit back and enjoy it....instead of missing it....i also wish i wasnt such a basket case!! can you even imagine what im gonna be like when jake actually leaves for college!!  the good news is i still have some time to think about it.....and i have some interesting things on the other side of the road...i just have to be brave enough to start looking in that direction....

just not today...but i'll work on it :)

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. 

~Cherokee Indian Proverb