feeling old

today is just one of those days i'm feeling every one of my 40 years....not good or bad, just feeling them.  there are some days i wake and think, wow i have so much still to look forward to - and then some days i wake up and think, holy shit, my kids are almost gone.....today was the second.

i really did love being able to stay home when my boys were little - playgroups and crafts....as crazy as it all was, i really can say i enjoyed it....and i enjoy where we are now....not even a little bit less crazy, but still pretty darn fun....

its just that it seems like so much of it has already passed by....josh (my baby) is old enough now to give me the "i'm riding with my friends over to the park - i'll be back"....and i know that he is fine.....my older two are gone more than they are here.....and while i am happy that they all have great friends and are independent young men, it makes me feel OLD!  i know we've been teetering on the "they don't need me" for a while....for some reason today of all days, i think we fell over the line.....which on another day may make me feel like dancing around my kitchen, but today felt kind of like a blow!

i'm not sure exactly how it happened that i woke up today and my kids were grown up...it just did!  it was only yesterday i swear that they all needed me to wake them up for school and drive them to the bus...now i'm that mom that doesn't even get up for high school (much less pack a lunch) and spends about 20 seconds with josh before his bus comes....who am i?

while im not suffering from any kind of mid-life crisis (altho i guess i could be at my age), i really do see myself sitting at this fork in the road....on one side is the path to yesterday, where i look back and see all that has gone by and all that i might have missed....and on the other side is tomorrow....all the things that they have not done yet and all the possibilities.....i just haven't quite managed to make that turn yet.

While we try to teach our children all about life,
Our children teach us what life is all about.
~Angela Schwindt

i know that i am grateful for all the time i did spend with them....and i'm just hoping i manage to make the time these next few years also.....now is when you start to wonder....did i do the right things? are they ready to be on their own? should i be teaching them how to do laundry :) ? ok, i know i should be teaching them laundry stuff...that one isnt too tough....but you get my point....its a very reflective place for me - and it really just shows my age.  its funny when i think about it...i was the oldest 30 year old i knew - i had 3 young kids....dressed like an old lady and spent all my time at home.....and then i was the funnest (yes funnest) 37 year old i knew.... i had kids old enough to be at home without me for a dinner out, but young enough that i didn't really have to worry too much....and now i'm back to being the oldest 40 year old i know!!  ha....maybe 45 is gonna rock ....who knows!

i know i'm lucky to have my boys...and my memories...i just wish i felt more able to sit back and enjoy it....instead of missing it....i also wish i wasnt such a basket case!! can you even imagine what im gonna be like when jake actually leaves for college!!  the good news is i still have some time to think about it.....and i have some interesting things on the other side of the road...i just have to be brave enough to start looking in that direction....

just not today...but i'll work on it :)

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today. 

~Cherokee Indian Proverb