how to say goodbye

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.  ~From a headstone in Ireland

i think the hardest part about losing someone is the not knowing.....not knowing what to say....or what to do....or when it might get easier.....when you might stop crying out of the blue for no apparent reason...

how can you give comfort to those who need it when you cant seem to find any for yourself?  i lost a sister, a friend, a sometimes foe.....but my husband lost a rock - a part of his foundation and his lifelong partner in crime....my in laws lost a daughter, and tiff's family lost their mother and love....there are NO WORDS that make any of that any better.....

tiff and i have an interesting history...of course i wasnt good enough for her only brother....who would be?  and she was TOUGH.....like me - so we spent a lot of time butting heads over silly stuff - she liked to put the coffee maker over my head so i couldnt reach it, and i liked to leave my stuff out on the counter where it made her nuts....its what we did.....family dynamics are a funny thing....we vacationed together for 20 years....and we argued...alot....and of course those are the things you feel sad and guilty about when someone gets sick..... i should have been nicer- i shouldnt have let those things bother me....but in reality when you have 2 really opinionated women, those silly fights are inevitable... i know that...and i realized we also spent a lot of time doing  other things....we shopped REALLY WELL...and we loved a corona light on the beach.....we both loved our family and loved to do artsy crafty stuff.....fun stuff that you do when you get together and have 5 kids to entertain.....and the one thing that always always always was at the center of it all is that we both love kris....so USUALLY we managed to rein it in before anyone lost any limbs !!  and we cut a serious swath thru tj maxx :)

my favorite word for tiff is feisty....she was a fighter - so i think the hardest part about her getting sick was that she didnt really attack her cancer.....of course, no one could know exactly how bad it was and how much pain she was in almost from the beginning....so i know she DID fight....in her way....until she just couldnt do it anymore.....and here we are - not 16 months from her original diagnosis....dealing with this loss.....this terribly wrong, grossly unfair loss....of yet ANOTHER 39 year old wife, mother, daughter, sister, aunt, cousin and friend.....i just cant make sense of it.

"The only courage that matters is the kind that gets you from one moment to the next." Mignon McLaughlin

the one thing that doesnt seem to change is that for those left behind, life goes on....not in the way you expect or want, but it does keep going.....of course in the short term there are the arrangements and dealing with the immediate issues....those are the things that make it possible to put one foot in front of the other.....tiff's husband is absolutely amazing - he has handled her illness better than anyone i have ever seen.....but he just was not prepared to lose her.....and how could you be?  kris' mom has been at tiff's side every single day since her diagnosis.....and having survived cancer herself probably knew better than anyone the toll this would take on tiff....but no one thought it would happen this fast.....or was prepared in any way for her passing...i just dont know how to help or what they will do next week when no one else is around and they have to start looking at their "new normal" lives without tiff.....what can anyone possibly do to make that any easier??

i think you have to BELIEVE that she is better off without her pain - even while knowing that YOU are NOT without her...

i think you have to have FAITH that she is in a better place - even while knowing that YOUR PLACE is not nearly as good.

i think you need to LEAN on those around you, after having been STRONG for so long yourself...

and mostly i think you just have to have COURAGE to face each day.....and live it to the best of your ability  - because that is what she most wanted to be able to do herself - and would want for each of us

"the longer you wait for the future -the shorter it will be" - loesge

how many more reminders do we need to be nicer, happier, more forgiving, less dramatic?  i'm not sure i can take anymore.  but i am going to keep trying to take the hint....life IS too short to spend any of it MAD or UPSET over silly things.....each and every person that we have let into our life is an absolute GIFT...one that can be taken from us at any time.....with no rhyme or reason.....we dont get to pick who stays and who goes.....so we need to make sure each person we love KNOWS how much we love them....how much we VALUE them and what they bring to our lives....before its too late.

i know that when this picture was taken...in 1995, i figured i would spend the rest of my life bickering with tiff....we turned it into its own sport over the 22 years we had together....what i didnt realize is that it wasnt the rest of MY life that i had to worry about.....

i'm not sorry for the fights we had....deep down we both kind of enjoyed that....we were both kind of perverse like that and it was good for family gossip - i told kris i feel kind of like megamind when he lost metroman......lost without my family foil (if you've seen the movie)....

what i AM sorry for is that i didnt tell tiff often enough what i loved about her....not the least of which was that she was a FABULOUS AUNT - boy did she love my kids (and they her).....i'm sorry i didnt make more of an effort to see her when she got sick.....and i'm sorry that i will  never again be able to walk into tj maxx without busting into tears (much like i did yesterday - which was both highly embarrassing and funny at the same time)....i wont go into all the things i wished i'd said....i have to believe that tiff knows i loved her - and i did....i wouldnt have wasted the time fighting with her if i didnt :)

you probably know about the fund we started when tiff got sick....of course that takes on a whole new meaning now....we are moving ahead with the 5k as planned on June 10th and i know more things will follow.  in her own unique way, tiff will leave behind a tremendous legacy...not only in her children and her family....but in how many people truly will rally behind her to fight this damn disease on her behalf.

if laura taught me to "be the sunshine" then tiff is teaching me to "rage against the dying of the light".....there is so much here worth fighting for.....and while i know i need to embrace my life and live it to the full, i also need to stand up and FIGHT for what i want to happen.....its the very least i can do to honor her and to make sure her memory lives on and makes a difference.

Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart, cling to them as you would your life...For without them, life is meaningless..

Do not go gentle into that good night,

Old age should burn and rave at close of day;

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Though wise men at their end know dark is right,

Because their words had forked no lightning they

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Good men, the last wave by, crying how bright

Their frail deeds might have danced in a green bay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

Wild men who caught and sang the sun in flight,

And learn, too late, they grieved it on its way,

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Grave men, near death, who see with blinding sight

Blind eyes could blaze like meteors and be gay,

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.

And you, my father, there on the sad height,

Curse, bless me now with your fierce tears, I pray.

Do not go gentle into that good night.

Rage, rage against the dying of the light.