before i lose my nerve

yup .... there it is...or isn't, depending on your perspective.....back when tiff was first diagnosed with cancer, we had the "it's only hair" conversation.....SURE i'll cut my hair when the time comes IF the time comes when you have to!!  now i know me cutting off my hair is not nearly the same as someone going thru chemo losing theirs.....i guess its just more the point of solidarity....support comes in all kinds of forms, helpful or not.

so today was that day....kris got a text that said tiffs hair was starting to fall out - and that tomorrow morning she and her cousin are doing the deed up in rochester.....and i literally started to PANIC....omg, did i actually say id cut my hair???  because while i have rocked short hair in the past, i was YOUNGER (a) and skinnier (b).....and like most women i know, i LOVE my hair - even tho i almost always wear it in a ponytail :)....and i literally can NOT imagine what it is like to face knowing its falling out....i know in the grand scheme of things its only hair.....and those fighting cancer have bigger battles -but its still a tough thing to face - because you literally SEE it every time you look in the mirror....so chopping off my hair seemed to be the least i could do, even tho i vanely did not want to.....

It's not vanity to feel you have a right to be beautiful. Women are taught to feel we're not good enough, that we must live up to someone else's standards. But my aim is to cherish myself as I am.   Elle Macpherson

this is the challenge right? to accept who we are on the INSIDE and not judge ourselves or others by what we see on the outside.....and for most of us our hair plays a big part in that....its a shield really that protects us from too much scrutiny....and when you dont have it, you feel more exposed....BUT there is also the FREEDOM that comes with letting it go....now obviously i did NOT shave my head, so please take this with a grain of salt.....what i am trying to say is that by shedding that layer, it makes you look at yourself differently.....and actually LOOK for the things that truly make you beautiful....and while your hair may be ONE of those things, its certainly not the ONLY thing....

do i feel prettier with long hair?  yes i do.....but i feel STRONGER with short hair.....more in control and decisive.....short hair is powerful - it says i dont care if you think i'm pretty, because i dont need your approval....or at least it tries to say that....sometimes it just says, put on some damn makeup and maybe some earrings!!  but it usually means "i got this"!

and u know what?  i dont need to be pretty....i mean its nice and all - we all WANT to feel attractive - but CONFIDENCE and strength are also beautiful - you just need to alter your point of view....and i'm not going to lie....if i was braver, i would have gone alot shorter - that just shows you where i am right now -and its interesting for me to know that about myself...because clearly i SHOULD have the confidence to just shave it off.....but i'm  not quite there yet!  at least i still know i'm a work in progress!!

but i'm getting there!!  and you know what?  i actually like the direction im going in.....because i DO have this.....and what makes me beautiful is not my hair....its all of the other things that make me ME....and like everything else, i'm gonna take this new hair do and figure out how to ROCK IT....because THAT my friends is what i DO!!  and THAT is what makes me feel beautiful!!

and to everyone out there who has ever gone thru chemo and lost your hair - you will ALWAYS BE BEAUTIFUL because you CHOSE TO FIGHT!!!  and THAT is true beauty....the courage to face your fears and come out on the other side!!  you all ROCK!!