just done

i'm sure you're shocked that i am having trouble uploading the picture i want....so after i sit here for 20 minutes trying, i have this big fat internal debate about whether or not to even bother with the blog.....because that's just where i am right now.

i've been joking off and on for years that i'm going to be that person you see on the news that completely loses their shit one day out of blue - and all of the people you interview will say - i just didnt see it coming, she alwasy seemed so together....at least that's what i'd like to think people would say. the point is, i've been a candidate for a fairly major breakdown for quite awhile....which makes me feel like a big baby....certainly many many other people out there have it waaaay worse than me. it just all seems to catch up at once. i am at the point where i literally FEEL the weight bearing down on my shoulders.....and i just dont know how to carry it all.

this year has been about all kinds of crossroads for me. i'm having trouble at both ends of the school spectrum - i cant believe jake is going to be a senior - and my baby is leaving elementary school. i'm juggling work and family like always - so i'm not exactly sure why NOW seems to be the time when its too much - but it just is.

i have always prided myself on perserverance....but i'm not sure where to get it right now. we went to a friends house yesterday - and the long story short is that the boys called asking about dinner, and when i went to the car to get my credit card to order pizza - i just LOST IT....and left - AND left my husband there.....there seems to be this endless list of crap that i never ever get to.....and i feel like i ALWAYS am selling my kids short somehow.....so instead of laying by the pool having a beer - i went home, threw in laundry and went to the grocery store.....all of which desperately needed to be done and i havent gotten to lately (hence the call for dinner).

like most of you, the "list" of daily tasks grows everyday....i'm just not sure when i lost control of it. but i did. at all times i have unopened mail & dirty clothes .... pretty normal - but right now i also cant seem to keep enough food in my house to feed the hordes of teenagers, or keep any kind of semblance of cleanliness in the house. and all of these are ridiculous things to stress about....but they just sit there every day, on top of the pile of THINGS from work, and work, and tiffs run, and school, and camps, and summer plans .... and ALL of THAT sits on top of the guilt and stress i feel about the kids being home for the summer basically alone, me not spending enough time with them, and of course my insane desire to actually attempt to get back into shape.

these are NORMAL everyday issues....and apparently i have lost the ability to cope with them. this morning, at our first softball game of 4 today, i literally yelled at an umpire - which i dont think in my 35 years of playing sports i have EVER done.....over his stupid strike zone (or in my defense, lack thereof)....but the point is, i am NOT that girl - im the joking jovial pitcher...softball is FUN for me....and i lost my shit at 10am.....for no apparent reason - and i'm pretty sure if my dad hadnt driven all the way down here to watch, i would've walked off and driven home - just like i did the other night.

i am literally stick a fork in me DONE in terms of my coping mechanism right now. and i'm sure there is a lesson in this somewhere. but i'm having trouble seeing it. this is one of those little picture getting in the way of the big picture challenges....and i'm totally up for suggestions.