somethings gotta give

first of all i just want to say thank you to everyone who has encouraged me to keep writing....life is a really funny thing sometimes and i feel like every now and then i just get way over my head and need to take a minute. everyone around me is going thru the same things - we are struggling with adversity and loss, and trying to figure out how to cope with the changes that are coming our way. that should make me feel better, but somehow it just freaks me the hell out. i want a couple of days with my rose colored glasses....and somehow i cant seem to find them. so i've basically been ignoring it -and not writing, so i dont have to address all the stuff that's stressing me out.



but really thats not fair .... this is supposed to be the outlet, right? and as it turns out a way for us all to share in the common issues that we face everyday. so here goes (again :)

as i've said on more than one occasion, i have a tendancy to bite off more than i can chew....i have the usually unwaivering belief that i can actually handle everything that comes my way. but in looking back on all the times in my life when i have fallen down - or at least felt like i have fallen down - there has always been a point at which i could have or should have admitted that i was at my limit. i'm just not sure prior to THIS particular moment, i was able to do that. but i am now. welcome to my mid-life crisis :)


do you ever feel like you are running from one thing to the next without ever stopping to breathe? and do you look back over whole weeks or months and not remember how you FELT about anything that you did? its like being on a giant treadmill, set at a slightly uncomfortable pace - and not being able to reach the controls to slow it down....so you just keep running. or you throw yourself off.....i think that's what i did last week - i just decided to get off the treadmill so to speak.....


because i realized that while i am getting a whole lot of stuff done - im not getting anything done WELL....i'm giving a half or quarter assed effort in pretty much everything. i'm making myself go thru the motions, but i'm not getting anything out of it....and i just realized that something had to give......and for a quick sec the answer was the blog - because it was just the easiest thing to NOT do.


its interesting to me because the things that i usually end up giving up when i hit my wall are the things i most enjoy (or get the most out of personally) - like the gym, or softball, or the blog. when in reality what i need to give up is something that is causing me actual stress ..... but when you get to the breaking point, you just start throwing things willy nilly off your plate ... or maybe thats just the way i do it.


in retrospect, i should probably just ask for some help....but i'm really not good at that. and i've found that i can so easily recognize that in others (sam long), but dont want to see it in myself. i think we all feel like we have to be strong all the time - no matter what life throws at us - when we really just dont. thats why we have friends, and family - and beer for that matter. its all how you choose to get thru the day.

you know that saying - when life hands you lemons, make lemonade? well if you google it (which i did), you also get this : when life hands you lemons....grab tequila and salt; squeeze them in your enemies faces; add vodka; cram them up the butt of your enemies (wow); throw them at someone.....and the list goes on - you get my point tho, right? its all just how you decide to look at whatever life throws at you....and what you decide to do about it.....i clearly decided to shut down for a quick minute - which i THINK was better than drowning myself in vodka - altho that was the second option.

we all like to rationalize our own issues by saying - "it could always be worse".....and you're right. unfortunately, it could always be worse - but that doesnt necessarily make whatever THIS is right at the moment any freakin easier...so we just have to acknowledge it and try our best to get thru it.....because it can also always be BETTER! i'm allowed to wallow - or sulk - or be sad.....just like i'm allowed to celebrate and be happy - its all just a part of being me....and maybe this time its been a bit harder to get thru the yucky stuff.....but i will. and a big part of that is YOU.....i am honestly so grateful for the new people who have come into my life thru the blog......and maybe by sharing my insanity, it will help someone out there feel a bit less alone or crazy.

In union there is strength. ~Aesop

so i'm 5 days away from the 1st annual steel lillies 5k in rochester.....which has been quite an undertaking...and probably contributed a great deal to my emotional rollercoaster - and its a pretty good example of everything i'm talking about....i've been so tied up in making it happen that i havent stopped to SEE all the good things that have already been sparked by it....and i dont want to make that mistake this weekend - i want to EXPERIENCE the run - soak it in, so i remember it - and all that it means to everyone that made it happen. to realize that the 650 people that are taking their time to show their support for kris' family CARE about them.....to understand that the $40,000 we've raised in tiff's name WILL make a difference for someone else's family.....and to understand that while i may have lost a little bit of my sanity along the way, its always ALWAYS worth it in the end, when we choose to invest our time in each other.

i love you guys.