Monday, May 21, 2012

from one year to the next

you will notice an ABSENCE of pictures in this blog....that's because i'm boycotting pictures for the moment. i am all for being confident in your skin and loving your body the way that it is BLAH BLAH BLAH....on a good day i can rationalize eating whatever i want (thank you lisa)..... i ROCK slogans like "ive been skinny, its boring" (kate winslet in case you are wondering)....anything that makes it okay for me to shove a gourmet cupcake in my face....and i LOVE it....so again, on a good day, i'm cool with the fact that i'm heavier this year than last....i've had quite a few life challenges and schedule changes.....and i can make up 95 excuses why its harder for me to get to the gym...OH, AND i turned 40, so my metabolism DEFINITELY has something to do with it.


HOWEVER, there also comes a time when you look at a picture of yourself and think "WHO is that FAT CHIC standing next to my husband"....ok ok ok, fat chic is kind of harsh, but i'm no nicer to myself than to any of you. i really wish in my hard of hearts that weight DIDN'T matter to me....that i felt as cute and sexy and confident at ANY weight....but i dont. and that just SUCKS!


so here i am, looking at my warrior dash pictures.....which was awesome and made me feel like hey, i'm in better shape than i thought really - for a lard ass that stopped working out. and then i hold the picture up next to the SAME picture from last year.....same pose...same people.....just a MUCH SMALLER me....WHAT THE FUCK??? talk about a mood killer, right?


how many times can we see a picture of our "former self" and think DAMN - and i thought i looked fat THEN? its a never ending cycle of self criticism. and its demoralizing. i am a strong person. i dont judge my self by my looks....but dammit i feel better when i look better.....and im just not making it a priority. and i'm not sure i really want to....well i definately don't WANT to - until i look at those damn pictures.


it doesnt matter how many times you read "nothing tastes as good as skinny feels"...its bullshit. you know what tastes better than skinny feels? ICE CREAM..and CUPCAKES....and MARGARITAS.....


skinny LOOKS good, but it tastes shitty....and for all you skinny (and fit) people out there, i know you have convinced yourself that your "food is fuel" mentality is satisfying, but you secretly crave a big fat milkshake....you just dont give in to it....and THAT is the real benefit of reaching your goal....you've WON the fight - and you no longer have the daily "i really want that cookie" struggle. i've been there....its AWESOME when you truly dont WANT a cookie - cuz you look goooood in your jeans, grrrl.

but then something happens (or it does if you're me) - and you think "i can have ONE cupcake....its a special occasion"....next thing you know you are looking at a fat girl standing next to your husband....its a slippery slope indeed.


so how do i fix it? one damn day at a time.....i'm officially on cupcake hiatus.....if you see me with one, smack it out of my hand (and then RUN REALLY FAST)....because NEXT year at the warrior dash im either going to be back to my fighting weight - or i'm going to find someone heavier than kris to stand next to!!!


its easy to say.....sure im going to eat better...and work out more - unless i dont feel like it or dont grocery shop or cave in when i'm feeding the kids.....its all a matter of importance....until its IMPORTANT enough for me to PASS up the yummy food and settle for the "fuel" food, i just wont stick to it.....but i have to say im awfully close to that point. unfortunately, that point was not EXACTLY today.....what can i say, i'm weak.


so i did what every girl does when she feels fat.....i ate a cookie and dyed my hair!!! let's hope i find some REAL motivation tomorrow :)






1 comment:

  1. Oh goodness...I laughed out loud so many times on this one. LOVE LOVE LOVE the pic. Can't wait for Melting Pot in a month! Hahahaha

    ReplyDelete