sentimentality

i have had an interesting year so far....which you know if you've been reading....and while i admit that because of the circumstances i have had a ton of opportunity to reflect on life, i'm not sure i can pinpoint EXACTLY what it is that has changed for me....i do know that i have never felt like i was on the wrong side of time before this year....and it honestly scares me.  i know there is so much to look forward to still - and i do....but there is so much that is already gone, that i will never get back - and i'm so sad about that too.

if life is truly a journey, then i am going to try to spend a good part of the rest of this year MEANDERING thru it....as opposed to racing at my usual speed of light.  i was reading thru the senior night book at lacrosse tonight fighting tears - just like i am now....i dont want these kids to graduate....and i definitely dont want MINE to graduate next year....i mean i do, for him - just not for me....sometimes i selfishly want to go back and have a redo....not because i would change anything, but just so that i get to do it again...

of course then i see my friends who have little kids, and who want to rip their hair out everyday and i think i probably remember it being so much more fun than it actually was at the moment :)

You can kiss your family and friends good-bye and put miles between you, but at the same time you carry them with you in your heart, your mind, your stomach, because you do not just live in a world but a world lives in you.

~ Frederick Buechner

 

 i look at this picture of my pop with the older boys and think - OH MY GOD...they all look so damn old (sorry pop)....i remember my pop, with his head full of black hair and that same smile coming to watch ME play on that same field at laplata high school....and all i can think is "where they hell has all this TIME gone?"  i know i should be celebrating my life...and i AM...i'm just feeling a bit sentimental, i guess.....as this school year wraps up, i realize i'm looking at the last year of elementary school EVER.....i'm looking at my first LAST YEAR of high school....and i'm adding another DRIVER to the mix....all great things....but also very defining moments....and man i just dont know where all the time went!  i feel like the next time i blink, i'm gonna be the gray haired old lady in the picture....which will mean that i survived the college years, so i guess that's the silver lining :)

 

What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life - to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories. -- George Eliot

 

at this point in my life, i guess its all about the memories....and while i KNOW my kids are so tired of me asking them to take a picture, i'm just so grateful that they do it - and usually smile.....because i am hoarding these pictures and these memories like, well like a hoarder!  i just want as many and as much as i can get.....because i can actually feel the time ticking by.....

 

after last nights blog, i got a bunch of "i feel ya's", and a couple of BREATHEs.....and it cracks me up - because i am still such an emotional basket case.....not that i have ever been calm and collected, but i would say i generally used to be FAIRLY even tempered....but now?  not so much!!  i feel like i ride a roller coaster of indignant and sad....which is partly hormones i'm sure (and isnt that a lovely thought), and partly a result of the losses..... i dont want to spend the rest of my life being upset over anything.....which is completely unrealistic, again, given my current wacked out state - but its a goal.

 

and i am honestly trying to change my outlook....i just keep getting swamped by these events that make me just not want to ever miss anything again....i know i cant be all things to all people - and i cant be everywhere at once....but that doesnt stop me from wishing i could.  i want to spend more time with my parents, and my kids and kb, and my sisters, and my friends.... but i have to recognize that something will always have to give somewhere to make any of that possible....and that's just going to have to be okay.  

 

SMILE MORE THAN YOU CRY

GIVE MORE THAN YOU TAKE

LOVE MORE THAN YOU HATE

 

life doesnt mean you always have to be "on"....you can be sad, or mad or even mean.....you just have to be make the effort to be happy and forgiving and appreciative MORE....and i can do that.  clearly i'm not always going to be sunshine and light - but if i can shoot for better than half the time, i'm well on my way :)  its all about balance - and perspective....and i think i'm finally finding some.