the greatest of these

i feel like i'm at that very interesting time in life when everyone i know is either getting divorced or separated.  our kids are older, maybe we dont need each other as much as we used to....or maybe we are all just tired of each others company.  i have no idea.  but i'm telling you that there is an epidemic of skinny women around me - all looking fit and fabulous - and they all have one thing in common....and it isnt a great diet. and i have to say im totally torn over the whole thing - not that anyone gives a rats ass about how i feel about it or anything.  i just find it somewhat puzzling.  to hear them all talk, being single and dating is the best thing since sliced bread.  and yet, all my 20 something friends still cant wait to find mr right so they can stop dating....its a vicious cycle.  and clearly there is no mr right.  ( i mean except for you, kris)

the other unspoken of part of this all is that there has to be SOME emotional devastation somewhere, right?  because something is making these chics slim down.....and you cant be married to someone without lamenting the loss in some way.  at least one would hope not.

"There is no remedy for love but to love more."-Thoreau

but like most negative things, something positive usually follows.  and i find myself in the awesome position of attending my good friends second wedding this weekend.  it has been such a pleasure watching her fall in love this time around.  and its even more amazing to me that she was willing to put herself out there again.  i guess it is true that all we really want is to love and be loved.  i know that she and her new husband will be very happy together. and while i can be somewhat jealous of that new love feeling - and all those incredibly fun firsts - i also appreciate so much more where i am at the same time.  marriage is not easy.  any one who says it is, is a big fat liar.  and mine, i hope like most anyway, has certainly not been a bed of sunlight and roses.  all the time anyway.  and i wonder if its normal to have the grass is greener syndrome at times like this.

i never had a big wedding.  and i never really regretted that.  although i DO regret that i dont have a beautiful wedding PICTURE.  every time i see one, i think "damn".  but seriously thats the only thing i wouldve wanted....and it seems a bit silly to spend all that money just so i can have a cool picture.  but that's neither here nor there.  whenever i'm out with my few remaining married friends, invariably the topic comes up.  can you believe so and so just split up.  have you seen her?  she looks amazing!  is THAT what it takes to get your ass back in shape?  like the rest of the married population is STILL sitting on the couch eating bonbons, right?  its crazy.  ANYWAY....the flip side of that are the couples we know who made it through what i consider "the other side".  they are the mostly empty nesters- kids in high school and college.  the couples who have managed to make it work -  thru the good, the bad and the ugly....and who are going through a renewal of their own.  it seems to me that THIS - this time right now - is the hardest to make it through.  and believe me, i pass no judgments.....i'm just observing. and trying to make it onto the next phase with my sanity intact!

On a cloudy night, when nothing seems above, still, there is love.  Always love.  For something, from someone.  It's never done.  Never.  ~Jeb Dickerson

i think the most amazing thing is that whether or not you are starting over, or hanging in there, the most important thing is still love.  love has so many different meanings and feelings - and obviously new love and old love are totally different.  and while new love is exciting, old love is comforting.  neither is better.  they both just are.  you have to embrace the feeling. nurture it. because its always always fragile.  and remember that its always easier on the other side of the looking glass.

todays post is simply a reminder to be grateful for the love you have.  in whatever form you have it.  whether its new love, old love, friend love, kid love or anything else - just cherish it.  because there is no greater gift you can give or receive.

i'm so excited to see the beginning of sams new journey.  i cant wait to watch her step so joyfully into her future. and i cant help but appreciate where ive made it in mine. 

under pressure

i hope when you read this you immediately start going (in your head, now)...

boom boom boom bada boom boom (or some such variation of the same):

Pressure

Pushing down on me

pressing down on you.....

you get the drift.  if i had one word to sum up what has been going on this month in the bayer household it would be PRESSURE.  followed closely by DEADLINE.  and then maybe STRESS or GRADES.  any parent of a child who has applied to college has been through this exact thing, i'm sure.  and i wish i could buy you ALL a big fat drink.  because you definitely deserve one...or one hundred.

i realize that it was our choice to apply early...but i HONESTLY thought i was prepared.  and i was wrong wrong wrong.  i'm glad at this point that we only have one more week because jake and i may never recover.  he's tired of me asking him if he has done stuff (which i've NEVER had to do before, mind you) and i'm totally tired of being this harpy old woman.

now the funniest part in all of this is that i realized how similarly jake and i deal with stress.  and its mostly called AVOIDANCE.  you'd actually think i would have been blogging more, right?  ironically, i hate to sit at my computer right now because then i'm tempted to start looking at edline and common app and sat/ap/act pages just to make sure i've crossed my t's one more time.  i've NEVER been the mom that checked edline every day....but i am now. every day.  sometimes twice a day.  its like a sickness.  i just want this to be OVER.  i want jake's apps to be in.  and i want him to be accepted at both of his schools.  and then i want him to ENJOY the rest of his senior year.  i really dont feel like i'm asking too much here!!

“When we long for life without difficulties, remind us that oaks grow strong in contrary winds and diamonds are made under pressure” - peter marshall

to say it has made me crazier than normal is the giantest understatement of the decade.  case in point.  trying to figure out how i'm going to come up with tuition - got some alarming news - freaked out - sold a car (or 2) and bought a new one, with a lower payment and one less insurance payment.  not terribly crazy overall.  except i did it on the fly.  as in, i called jake at school and said "hey i sold your car, i need you to bring it home and clean it out".  CRAZY.  its one of my more peculiar ways of distracting myself from the bigger picture.  i thought jake was going to KILL me.  even though it was REALLY his car.  just the one he has been driving til his jeep is fixed....i'm not THAT horrible.  altho i may actually lose it by this weekend and confiscate his phone.  if i see one more instagram, cinemagram, or tweet while i THINK he is working on his essays, i may do some serious bodily damage.  okay okay i'm kidding.

mostly.

i dont remember being this crazy when it was ME applying for college.  but clearly i have new appreciation for my parents.  this whole process is just flat out NERVE WRACKING.  and probably the hardest part is that no matter what he's done, or how great his apps and essays are, ultimately this decision is completely out of our hands.  THAT'S the part the stresses me out the most.  Jake deserves to go wherever the hell he wants.  of course that's just my opinion, but i can honestly say he has WORKED for it.  and it will piss me off like no other if he gets a rejection letter.  which is completely unfair and assinine. but completely true.  ya'll better watch the hell out on december 15.  its either gonna be a throw down party, or someone better come over and strap me down so i dont drive to new jersey with my uzi!  okay, now i'm REALLY kidding.

i think.

i'd like to think that if anyone ever looks back on the blog and the strange turn this year has taken, they will rank this one right up there with the most honest - and yet out of nowhere.  i'm not sure why tonight, after skipping most of the month.  maybe i really just didnt want to do my insanity workout (and yes, we are still doing that!!).  i guess i just needed to write again...i miss it.  and this seems to be the only thing i can think about.  which is sad, i know.  we've had such an interesting month - and there are a buttload of blogs saved up in my head - sams bachelorette, play for parkinson, chicago, baltimore marathon relay, play practice, science fair (oh yes - that one is coming), clemson, wine diva golf.  i mean really - some fun stuff in there.  and yet i'm still OBSESSED with apps.  one more week people!!

Education is not preparation for life; education is life itself.  ~John Dewey

i'm sure when we look back on this last month, jake and i will be able to laugh about it.  it is, after all, just one more step on the journey. and if there is one lesson i know we have both learned, its that all you can is your best and keep moving forward.  sometimes its just harder to see the forest for the trees.  i love that jake is so much more philosophical about it.  i hope that means that we've prepared him well and not that he feels like it doesnt matter.  a spokesperson at UChicago said to the group that everyone would find "their people" wherever they went.  that everyone would go where they were meant.  that there were no wrong decisions.  and that really resonated with jake.  and i agree totally.  in my head.  in my heart, i just want him TO GET IN!  i want the CHOICE to be his, not some admission officers!  and that my friends is what makes me neurotic.  hopefully my boys will only get the good stuff from me when they actually leave on their own journey.

Wherever you go, no matter what the weather, always bring your own sunshine. 

~Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book

insanity

in·san·i·ty/inˈsanitē/

Noun:

The state of being seriously mentally ill; madness. Extreme foolishness or irrationality.

let's just start there.....there are many many many different definitions of the word insanity. i'm going to hit on several.  but for starters i told you my crazy ass husband roped me into doing the insanity workout.  like we needed to add one more thing to the list of already crazy shit that we do.  but that is my CURRENT excuse for the lack of blogging.  as a matter of fact, i'm sitting here writing at 8am because i'm waiting for a meeting to start.  what i HAVE been doing at 11 oclock at night, or 7 in the morning, when i usually blog is WORKING OUT!!  which is ridiculous. or insane.  but there you go.  and now i'm trying to figure out when i can squeeze in time to write, since my writing time is now insanity time.  and i guess you could say its always been at least a little bit dedicated to my insanity, so now its just physical insanity as opposed to mental  :)

what have i learned so far?  i get bored really really easily - which i didnt really just LEARN, but got reminded of.  and that you can make a butt load of money telling people to do ridiculously easy and repetitive movements - as long as you have a killer body to back it up.  my basic issue with most ALL exercise at home movements is that a) i get easily distracted and b) most of them are somewhat countraindicated to something i've learned along the way in all of my random fitness training.  i mean really?  should you push yourself to the point of cardio exhaustion and then immediately drop your head to do a V push up??  probably not.  i wonder how many people have passed out doing that and just thought  they were really out of shape?  interestingly enough, the old deni would have stopped doing the workout for a stupid reason like that.....now, i just comment on it and go on about the day.  why?  because i'm certainly NOT going to let my husband lose 10 pounds without me.  i mean, he will anyway.  but i at least need to stay in the fight, right?  which leads to definition number 2 - and possible the most popular:

Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.  ALBERT EINSTEIN

 in so so many ways this defines me.  i CONSTANTLY do the same shit over and over again thinking THIS time will be different.  but its not.  as i get older, i can laugh about it a little more, but its still true.  as it pertains to exercise and fitness?  well let me just say this:  kris and i will do this workout for the next month or so.  he will lose 10 pounds, feel great and be mentally happy.  i will gain 4, feel about the same, and be totally pissed off that after all that work i still look and feel the same.  and wish i had just continued to eat my chips.  but really, at least THIS time it wont come as a surprise :)  and i will be able to justify eating my face off over the holidays as my reward for this torture.  i wish i could say that yet again this is just the first step in my new fitness journey.  but alas, i live on a fitness journey.  i have a love hate relationship with it.  and it never goes away.  the insane part is where i think that the NEXT thing i try will be the thing that magically, finally makes me super skinny.  when in reality, i will always look pretty much the way i do now.  which is fine.  my goal with fitness now is all about fighting the good fight.  because you know what? i'm so afraid if i stop after all this time, i will just start melting into a pile of 40 year old mush.....i can so clearly see it in my head.  and its INSANE that i think my only two choices are workout fiend or mush - but there you go.  i have spun, turbokicked, bodypumped, personal trained, p90xed, run, ellipticalled & trained my way through the last 20 years.  and you know what? no matter WHAT or how much i do, the only constant is my need to do SOMETHING to keep that image of my future mush at bay.  so silly.  but you see i have this great aunt.  who is awesome. in her 90s.  but shes turning into jabba the hut.  which is super mean of me to say.  but its true.  that generation, and even to some extent my parents generation, didnt really exercise.  and now, the men are wasting away and the women and turning to mush.  and i dont know whether its just my family or not, but i do not want to be that old lady.  i want to stay me as long as possible.  and i guess in order to do THAT, i have to keep doing all this.  the good news is now i'm not expecting different results.  so i guess i'm only partially insane.

“If you think anyone is sane you just don't know enough about them.” ― Christopher Moore,

i guess one of the most interesting things i've learned through this process is that we are all crazy.  just in different ways.  what makes me think someone else is crazy, makes them think that i am.  and we are both right.  life, like politics and religion, is full of controversy and disagreement.  its all about choices.  and the choices i make - good bad or indifferent - give the impression to everyone OUTSIDE of those choices that i'm either right on the money or off my rocker.  but its all good.  depending on your point of view i am off my  rocker.  sometimes i think so myself.  that's what its all about really.  making your choices and rolling with the consequences.  the insane part comes in when the 2 dont match up.

so the thought of the day is this:  are your expectations matching your actions, and vice versa?  because what i've come to realize is that the day is a whole lot easier to get thru when they do.  if i dont expect work to make me happy, then it cant disappoint me at the end of the day, right?  and if i dont expect to lose 10 pounds, then it wont piss me off when i dont.  in this way, POSSIBLY i'm more open to whatever positives DO come out of my actions.  its a weird new concept for me....but i'm working on it :)

“I'll take crazy over stupid any day.” ― Joss Whedon

 

 

birthday blog

i guess birthdays are as good a time as any for reflection, right?  this year more than most i imagine that's the case.  its always easy to say "what a difference a year makes"....but in my case, i would have to say that i feel almost entirely different this year than last.

to start with, the difference between 40 and i'm guessing any number higher than 40 is lack of anticipation.  40 seemed to be this milestone last year...i had to ACCOMPLISH something before i turned 40 - or at least i felt like i had to.  it was  a lingering "holy shit" that seemed to pervade the entire year.  and not necessarily in a bad way.  i went on a fabulous trip with an old friend, which in a lot of ways kicked off what i am now calling my ongoing "quest" for some zen :)  and i have to say i enjoyed a large part of the "buildup" to 40.  the funny part is that you hear all these over 40 people say - i LOVE 40....i didnt' find out who i really was until i turned 40....40 is amazing.....i stopped caring what other people thought when i turned 40.  and i call bullshit.

not to say 40 sucks or anything.  40 is fine.  i'm sure 41 will be fine also.  but i dont feel like a better person for being 40. i didnt wake up one day last year more confident or strong.  i didn't all of the sudden find inner peace. what i woke up with at 40 was a realization that my skin is a big more saggy no matter what i do, and that i'm essentially the same person i've always been - just now i'm officially middle aged.  and certainly i've grown ..... i feel more mature about a lot of things -but i'm not sure this is a function of age so much as a reflection on the events that have occurred in my life.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age.  Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.  ~Tom Wilson

interestingly, whenever i think about my life- i break it up into segments.  some long and some short.  pre college, college/pre kid, the mom years (which is essentially my whole adult life), the fun years (37-39) - you know where the kids were finally old enough to stay home alone, but not old enough to get into any trouble, and the 40s.  and ironically i dont have a favorite.  some have been certainly more interesting than others - but all in all i'm so super fortunate that when i DO reflect on my life - i'm a very happy, very lucky girl.

and maybe that's what birthdays are for.  to help us look back or forward to see what it is we have, what we want and whether or not we are going in the right direction.  40 was tough for me. i can always remember thinking when the kids were little - i cant wait to be 40 because my kids will be 17, 15 & 11.  and then THEY WERE!!  and i was NOT HAPPY!  it wasnt so much MY age that freaked me out, but theirs.  yes, i'm so glad we had the boys when we were young.  i LOVE being able to enjoy my kids at the ages they are now.  but wow, do i feel like time just flew by.  the difference this year is that i'm trying not to let the number freak me out.  because in that way 41 will be waaaay harder.  i'll have an 18 year old leaving for college, a 16 year old getting his license and a hormonal 12 year old.  i just cant let it make me crazy.

what i've learned this last year, more than any is that life is short.  its fragile. and we only get one shot at it.  does that make me more mature now than i was at 31?  nope.  i think it just makes me more grateful.  and hopefully more aware of the time that i do get.  certainly more appreciative.  because what i will always remember most about being 40 was trying to learn how to cope with loss.  how to help other people.  and how to try to look outside of my small box for the bigger picture.  THAT is what makes me different this year from last.  i was shoved unwillingly into a new place where i'm no longer able to take the things for granted that i once did.  its not about the number.  its about the experience.  and i hope im a better person today than i was last year.  i hope i've made some changes that reflect this new awareness.  i hope i'm more grateful and more at peace than i might have been.  and i'm not sure that any of that is true.  what is true is that i am making the effort.

41 is fine.  its just another number, honestly.  i'll be interested to see how i feel about 42.  last year seemed to be about looking back.  this year is all about looking forward.....we are all on the cusp of change.  the challenge is to make the change a positive one.  and if i've learned nothing else this year, its to not take one single minute for granted.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun.  Enjoy the trip.  ~Author Unknown

 

my poor cow

I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.....Robert Frost

this weekend was my annual trip to sunny florida for worlds.....and boy was it a SHOW!  we decided very early on in the trip (like on the plane) that we were going to have a flat-stanley-like "cow adventure".....  for those of you that don't know, that cute little sucker is my cow.  i'm obsessed with him.  i bought him a few years ago for yet another softball tournament where it was going to be super cold - because you can microwave his tummy...which is AWESOME!!  and ever since, he has been a pretty constant companion.  he has been on every southern softball trip.....among others - he is a VERY well travelled cow.  so as i started taking ridiculous pictures of the cow, and of course sending them out - i realized a) we are completely stupid and b) we drink ALOT.  my favorite response was from kris who just sent me a text that said "that cow did not have a drinking problem when he left" :)  it's in his honor that the you get all the drinking cow pics !!

my point here is not to rub in how much fun we had in florida (altho it WAS a hoot)....but to explore how i know i'm not as young as i used to be....because let me tell you - i can no longer RECOVER like i used to.  which led me down the path of  HOW DO PEOPLE FUNCTION?  i mean i dont want to sound like an alcoholic or anything, but we partied pretty hard for 4 days....interspersed with some pretty stellar softball (we came in 9th out of 80)....so to say that we rallied is an understatement.....HOWEVER, let's also say i was not the chipper ray of sunshine at 4am monday when we were flying home!!

and the funniest part is while i had an amazing time, i also feel incredibly guilty.  go figure. it's like somehow i feel at "my age" i no longer should have a crazy weekend.  i'm a mom for pete's sake.  fishbowls and drag shows, pig pong & bloody marys seem slightly inappropriate in hindsight.  but it was so much damn fun!!  so i rationalize the fun with (what else) PENANCE!!  that's an ingrained catholic for you.

The safest and most suitable form of penance seems to be that which causes pain in the flesh but does not penetrate to the bones, that is, which causes suffering but not sickness.
Saint Ignatius

now you all know by now that i am not going to run to church because i drank alot on my vacation.  but what i AM going to do is torture myself in some way - just so i feel like i'm paying for it.  which is ridiculous - but there you go.  this year has been fairly interesting for me in a lot of ways.....i've pushed myself on several different levels, and i BELIEVED i was pushing myself physically.  i trained for the half marathon - and i lifted seriously for the first time in a long time this summer to get ready for the tough mudder.  so while i'm not in fantastic shape, i would consider myself FIT.  why does this matter?  well because kris called me while i was in florida to tell me that our brand spanky new INSANITY workout had arrived. and he wasnt sure he could wait for me to start.  here is where i WISH i had said "i'm not doing that" or "you are CRAZY".  when what i reallly said was "ok".  and after my off the hook 4 day drinking fest, and my 4 am flight on monday - i came home to do the stupid insanity fit test (because after all, i was already 2 days behind).

and i'm pretty positive the ONLY reason i did that was because the mom/catholic/uptight person inside of me felt like i had to PAY for having some damn fun.  and then the competitive/guilty person inside of me doesnt want kris to do it without me....because then he will not only look better than me, he will be able to call me a lazy fat ass. not that he would actually do that....but it would be implied - you know you've all see the "you are a lazy fat ass" look, right?  its the one where one of you is a sweaty mess and the other of you is sitting on the couch with chips. or maybe that's just in my house :)

so for the next little bit here, in addition to all the other ridiculous stuff i'm doing, i'm going to be spending at least a small part of every day bouncing up and down. which is super annoying for several different reasons.  but i AM going to do it.  i've got a lot of things i could use to justify NOT jumping on this bandwagon.  but i dont want to.  i want to feel better.  and i know that the first step in me feeling better about pretty much EVERYTHING is feeling like i am strong.  physical strength to me definitely equates to mental strength.  and since i am already somewhat insane, it only makes sense for my body to reflect that as well!!

wish me luck!!  and feel free to kick kris for me next time you see him!

a case of the grumps

it is TOTALLY perverse of me that someone else being in a bad mood makes me actually make the effort to be happy.  it's like we cant have 2 grumpy people in the house at the same time.  i'm not a commiserator...i'm a fixer.  so clearly the way to get me to be happy or funny is for YOU to be sad or miserable.  how awesome for you :)

this was one of those days when i should have had a really crap day...bad traffic, bad weather, bad work stuff...BUT my girlfriend had a really really good reason to have a much worse day than me.  so i started off my really early morning looking online for funny crap to send her.  there i was, sitting in the parking lot of my first appointment at 7am this morning - waiting for a customer who was like 25 minutes late - which ordinarily would piss me off to NO END - but instead i was cracking up....all by myself.  i'm sure i looked absolutely crazy.  apparently sometimes i just need to remember that no matter how things might seem to me, when you look at things from someone else's point of view, i'm pretty darn lucky.

so there will be absolutely no seriousness in today's blog.  all stupidity.  and maybe a laugh or two.  because what is needed today is humor.  sam's having a hard anniversary.  denise is in the hospital.  and jax is turning 41.  oh, and kris is babysitting a puppy for the next 5 days that he says is not his.  i think they all need a giggle.  so i'm just going to post some of my favorites.  maybe interspersed with an attempt at wisdom.

“When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
- Franklin D Roosevelt

today is one of those take the bull by the horn days.....because sometimes its just not good enough to let life happen.  sometimes you have to wrestle with it and fight it and make it do what YOU want.  i'm tired of being tired.  and unhappy.  and feeling like all there is out there is bad news.  so for today, i'm moving past it.

the down side of these days is i am super annoying in my attempts to make everyone around me also be not not happy.  but if i'm honest, i think its my way of not only trying to help, but also giving a big fat clue about how to cheer ME up.  i have wasted a whole lot of time today looking online at stupid posters. and silly quotes.  but it was worth it every time i sent one out and i got a "bhahaha" back.  just like now, i hope.  i hope this blog today motivates you to find something you find funny - or something you think will make a friend laugh.  or cheer someone up.  and send it. 

clearly my humor goes toward the slightly mean - and if i texted you today, probably the classless.  raunchy humor cracks me up as well, but i'm not posting any of that.  curse words seems to be enough.  if i'm in a totally crappy mood, the F bomb both makes me feel better when i use it, and makes me laugh when i read it.  i kno- perverse.  but there you go.

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” albert einstein

 

every now and then you just have to laugh. sometimes its to stop you from crying.  and sometimes its just because.  no matter why it happens, you should make an effort to share it.  i know i can always use it.  and i dont go looking for it as often as i should.  but im going to do a better job from now on.  i'm pretty sure the only reason i didnt lose it today was because i was on the look out for funny.  so for now, that's my game plan.  feel free to share yours!

 

"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you."
Langston Hughes

i'm going to leave you with these - VERY out of context but i cant remember ever laughing harder than the first time i read "Sh*t my dad says"...best bathroom book ever :) - all by justin halpern as quoted by his dad

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”

 

is it ever okay to just slow down??

i'm not sure i like being busy, so much as i dont know how to NOT be busy.  i schedule my life down to the second.  and i really really dont mean to.  it just seems like there is always so much to DO....and instead of saying no, i just try like crazy to squeeze it all in.  which i THINK is normal....but maybe not.  because then something comes along to bite you in the ass and INSISTS you slow down.

when i say we dont have a free minute until november, i'm really not exaggerating.  because every free second we have, we are fitting in college visits.  for all of our peace of mind, jake is trying to apply early, so we are attempting to get to 6 schools before the end of october.... "officially".  we started friday on our 12 hour round trip to new jersey.  which was very cool and  i believe an impressive kick off to the visiting treadmill.  however, this is where deni crazy kicks in.  rather than blow off my games friday night (or miss the fair/football game) - we got up at 5am to make our journey.  followed by softball games.  and kickball games on saturday.  and lacrosse games today.

people are constantly laughing at me about my inability to say no to stuff.  but you see, the newest puppy is actually one of the reasons i have for slowing down....is there anything better than cuddling with a puppy at the end of the day?  and due to some crazy brain malfunction on my part, i apparently NEED a REASON to stop running.  and its one of the traits that i know i've passed down to at least 2 of my kids that i recognize and feel the need to apologize to them for.  why cant i just sit on the damn couch if i want to? because i'm CRAZY.  thats why.

its like some people have the ability to compartmentalize in their mind.  kris is one of them.  if he doesnt want to think about something, he just doesn't.  he puts it away and takes it out later.  i was not born with that ability.  the only thing that keeps me from thinking and/or obsessing about things is staying on the move. which is fairly unhealthy, i'm sure.  but its true.  and here i am totally stressing about work and college, so i am overbooking the hell out of myself to stop from drowning in thought about it. which is totally counterintuitive!!!  welcome to the ultimate contradiction that is me.

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. 

 -jean de la fontaine

so here i am running from one thing to the next...and the next. and then WHAM.  my totally super coordinated self is running along at kickball (yes kickball) and my ankle just goes "um no, i dont think i want to step there" and rolls over instead.  which is my stupid way of saying i sprained my ankle rounding first.  and yes (paula if you are reading this, i'm FINE) i am going to worlds to play softball wednesday.  i'm pretty sure this was my body's way of saying - a) you need to slow down for a second and b) you need to stop avoiding thinking about what you want to do.  so i'm going to FORCE you to sit on your ass for the next couple of days.  do all of the things you normally avoid doing while you are running around.

and i'm NOT looking forward to it.  i guess i really do like NOT having to confront these issues.  so while i always give kris a hard time for avoiding things, i'm actually exactly the same.  we just avoid things in different ways.  UGH - annoying revelation #1 ALREADY.  have i said i REALLY dont like having to sit here??  because at the end of the day, i think its the decision making part thats the hardest for me.  if i KNOW i have to do something, then i'm on it.  no problem.  i can make anything work if i have to as long as i have all the pieces in front of me.  its when i have to go figure out all the different pieces that might fit that i start to hyperventilate.  i'm the girl that can argue all of the sides to most any argument.  i can make anything make sense in my own head if you give me long enough.  and by the time i've given anything that much thought, i'm not sure where i was headed in the beginning.  and THAT is why i try to stay busy.

True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment.  ~William Penn

being still means i have time for introspection.  it means i have time to think about all the things that i may not want to address yet.  it means i have to open myself up for those thoughts that may scare me or those that push me in a direction i'm not ready to go in.  it means i have time to REFLECT.  which was one of the major points of this whole year of intention thing in the first place.  but as usual, i seem to have found a way to push through that part and find other ways to deal with what is happening around and to me.  clearly reflection is NOT my strong suit.  or more precisely, its not what i choose to be my strong suit.  but sometimes, when that choice is taken away, even briefly, it presents a new opportunity.  i really believe that i NEED to take this time to examine where it is i'm headed.  and if i hadn't been forced to, i definitely wouldn't.

the good news is i'm at least a little more open to reading the signs than i used to be.  and it hasnt even occured to me to be mad over the sprained ankle.  because it wouldnt do me any good AND i might have actually even needed it! it may be happening slower than id like, but i do believe i'm starting to see the light :)