to start with, the difference between 40 and i'm guessing any number higher than 40 is lack of anticipation. 40 seemed to be this milestone last year...i had to ACCOMPLISH something before i turned 40 - or at least i felt like i had to. it was a lingering "holy shit" that seemed to pervade the entire year. and not necessarily in a bad way. i went on a fabulous trip with an old friend, which in a lot of ways kicked off what i am now calling my ongoing "quest" for some zen :) and i have to say i enjoyed a large part of the "buildup" to 40. the funny part is that you hear all these over 40 people say - i LOVE 40....i didnt' find out who i really was until i turned 40....40 is amazing.....i stopped caring what other people thought when i turned 40. and i call bullshit.
not to say 40 sucks or anything. 40 is fine. i'm sure 41 will be fine also. but i dont feel like a better person for being 40. i didnt wake up one day last year more confident or strong. i didn't all of the sudden find inner peace. what i woke up with at 40 was a realization that my skin is a big more saggy no matter what i do, and that i'm essentially the same person i've always been - just now i'm officially middle aged. and certainly i've grown ..... i feel more mature about a lot of things -but i'm not sure this is a function of age so much as a reflection on the events that have occurred in my life.
Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself. ~Tom Wilson
interestingly, whenever i think about my life- i break it up into segments. some long and some short. pre college, college/pre kid, the mom years (which is essentially my whole adult life), the fun years (37-39) - you know where the kids were finally old enough to stay home alone, but not old enough to get into any trouble, and the 40s. and ironically i dont have a favorite. some have been certainly more interesting than others - but all in all i'm so super fortunate that when i DO reflect on my life - i'm a very happy, very lucky girl.
and maybe that's what birthdays are for. to help us look back or forward to see what it is we have, what we want and whether or not we are going in the right direction. 40 was tough for me. i can always remember thinking when the kids were little - i cant wait to be 40 because my kids will be 17, 15 & 11. and then THEY WERE!! and i was NOT HAPPY! it wasnt so much MY age that freaked me out, but theirs. yes, i'm so glad we had the boys when we were young. i LOVE being able to enjoy my kids at the ages they are now. but wow, do i feel like time just flew by. the difference this year is that i'm trying not to let the number freak me out. because in that way 41 will be waaaay harder. i'll have an 18 year old leaving for college, a 16 year old getting his license and a hormonal 12 year old. i just cant let it make me crazy.
what i've learned this last year, more than any is that life is short. its fragile. and we only get one shot at it. does that make me more mature now than i was at 31? nope. i think it just makes me more grateful. and hopefully more aware of the time that i do get. certainly more appreciative. because what i will always remember most about being 40 was trying to learn how to cope with loss. how to help other people. and how to try to look outside of my small box for the bigger picture. THAT is what makes me different this year from last. i was shoved unwillingly into a new place where i'm no longer able to take the things for granted that i once did. its not about the number. its about the experience. and i hope im a better person today than i was last year. i hope i've made some changes that reflect this new awareness. i hope i'm more grateful and more at peace than i might have been. and i'm not sure that any of that is true. what is true is that i am making the effort.
41 is fine. its just another number, honestly. i'll be interested to see how i feel about 42. last year seemed to be about looking back. this year is all about looking forward.....we are all on the cusp of change. the challenge is to make the change a positive one. and if i've learned nothing else this year, its to not take one single minute for granted.
A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip. ~Author Unknown
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