is it ever okay to just slow down??

i'm not sure i like being busy, so much as i dont know how to NOT be busy.  i schedule my life down to the second.  and i really really dont mean to.  it just seems like there is always so much to DO....and instead of saying no, i just try like crazy to squeeze it all in.  which i THINK is normal....but maybe not.  because then something comes along to bite you in the ass and INSISTS you slow down.

when i say we dont have a free minute until november, i'm really not exaggerating.  because every free second we have, we are fitting in college visits.  for all of our peace of mind, jake is trying to apply early, so we are attempting to get to 6 schools before the end of october.... "officially".  we started friday on our 12 hour round trip to new jersey.  which was very cool and  i believe an impressive kick off to the visiting treadmill.  however, this is where deni crazy kicks in.  rather than blow off my games friday night (or miss the fair/football game) - we got up at 5am to make our journey.  followed by softball games.  and kickball games on saturday.  and lacrosse games today.

people are constantly laughing at me about my inability to say no to stuff.  but you see, the newest puppy is actually one of the reasons i have for slowing down....is there anything better than cuddling with a puppy at the end of the day?  and due to some crazy brain malfunction on my part, i apparently NEED a REASON to stop running.  and its one of the traits that i know i've passed down to at least 2 of my kids that i recognize and feel the need to apologize to them for.  why cant i just sit on the damn couch if i want to? because i'm CRAZY.  thats why.

its like some people have the ability to compartmentalize in their mind.  kris is one of them.  if he doesnt want to think about something, he just doesn't.  he puts it away and takes it out later.  i was not born with that ability.  the only thing that keeps me from thinking and/or obsessing about things is staying on the move. which is fairly unhealthy, i'm sure.  but its true.  and here i am totally stressing about work and college, so i am overbooking the hell out of myself to stop from drowning in thought about it. which is totally counterintuitive!!!  welcome to the ultimate contradiction that is me.

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. 

 -jean de la fontaine

so here i am running from one thing to the next...and the next. and then WHAM.  my totally super coordinated self is running along at kickball (yes kickball) and my ankle just goes "um no, i dont think i want to step there" and rolls over instead.  which is my stupid way of saying i sprained my ankle rounding first.  and yes (paula if you are reading this, i'm FINE) i am going to worlds to play softball wednesday.  i'm pretty sure this was my body's way of saying - a) you need to slow down for a second and b) you need to stop avoiding thinking about what you want to do.  so i'm going to FORCE you to sit on your ass for the next couple of days.  do all of the things you normally avoid doing while you are running around.

and i'm NOT looking forward to it.  i guess i really do like NOT having to confront these issues.  so while i always give kris a hard time for avoiding things, i'm actually exactly the same.  we just avoid things in different ways.  UGH - annoying revelation #1 ALREADY.  have i said i REALLY dont like having to sit here??  because at the end of the day, i think its the decision making part thats the hardest for me.  if i KNOW i have to do something, then i'm on it.  no problem.  i can make anything work if i have to as long as i have all the pieces in front of me.  its when i have to go figure out all the different pieces that might fit that i start to hyperventilate.  i'm the girl that can argue all of the sides to most any argument.  i can make anything make sense in my own head if you give me long enough.  and by the time i've given anything that much thought, i'm not sure where i was headed in the beginning.  and THAT is why i try to stay busy.

True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment.  ~William Penn

being still means i have time for introspection.  it means i have time to think about all the things that i may not want to address yet.  it means i have to open myself up for those thoughts that may scare me or those that push me in a direction i'm not ready to go in.  it means i have time to REFLECT.  which was one of the major points of this whole year of intention thing in the first place.  but as usual, i seem to have found a way to push through that part and find other ways to deal with what is happening around and to me.  clearly reflection is NOT my strong suit.  or more precisely, its not what i choose to be my strong suit.  but sometimes, when that choice is taken away, even briefly, it presents a new opportunity.  i really believe that i NEED to take this time to examine where it is i'm headed.  and if i hadn't been forced to, i definitely wouldn't.

the good news is i'm at least a little more open to reading the signs than i used to be.  and it hasnt even occured to me to be mad over the sprained ankle.  because it wouldnt do me any good AND i might have actually even needed it! it may be happening slower than id like, but i do believe i'm starting to see the light :)