the new reality

i'm not sure how many times i'm going to be reminded lately that life is not fair.  in some ways it's easy to be philosophical about it.  and in other ways its just not ok.  i realize that every family suffers loss. and every person deals with it differently.  but probably the hardest part about losing tiff is the toll it takes on her mother.  not that her husband or children or brother or father suffer any less.  its just that at least outwardly they are seeming to cope better.  di can not and should not have to accept the new "normal" of their reality.  and who can blame her?

she is on the front lines every single day watching tiffs kids try to adjust to life without their mom.  and trying to fill the void that she left.  which is impossible.  its not a void that can be filled.  no one will ever be tiff.  no one will ever be their mom or her daughter.  certainly there are people who can try to fill her ROLE, but no one will every be tiff or do things in her unique way.  and that is unfortunately the new reality.  and its totally unfair.

He who has gone, so we but cherish his memory, abides with us, more potent, nay, more present than the living man.  ~Antoine de Saint-Exupery
so the struggle to figure out and rationalize how to explain and help a 13 year old girl get through adolescence without her mother begins.  will she be ok? absolutely.  payton is, if nothing else, her mothers daughter. she is strong willed and resilient.  that doesnt mean she wont need help and that help at least right

now falls on her grandmother.  2 generations of women missing the link between them, forging a new bond

together.  there is only so much someone outside of the circle can do.  clearly we are too far away to be of any real daily assistance.  and for the rest of the community of friends and extended family, live goes on.  which leaves this very small group learning how best to cope. 

kids are resilient.  parents not so much.  kids live in the "now".....their reality is what comes at them each day.  and thats how they tend to tackle things....moment to moment.  parents live in the past and the future.  we look back over all that we've had and we project all of the things to come.  di sees what payts life would have and should have been like.  payt only sees what it is.  from both viewpoints life isnt fair.  but di's has a lot more detail.  and no one can make that pain of losing that vision of the future any better.  so its a daily loss.  every single day, every time ANYTHING happens, all di can think is "tiff should be here".  and she's exactly right.  tiff SHOULD be here.  and yet, she isn't.  and its so truly unfair.

“A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity. It dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path." agatha christie
but we must go on.  SHE must go on.  all of the what ifs and if onlys in the world wont change what IS.  its hard accepting that.  its hard trying to lend a hand or offer advice when there is nothing that can possibly do any good.  all we can do is remember.  all the good.  even the bad.  its all a part of what made tiff so special.  what made her an amazing mother.  and how we will pass it along to payt.  no one wanted to have to fill tiff's role.  but someone one does.  actually we all do, to whatever extent we can.  but primarily, at least right now it falls to di.  its her new reality.

along with so many of my other posts this year, i just want to remind you to hug your kids a bit tighter.  todays reality could be gone tomorrow.  appreciate every single minute- every single day you get to spend together.  there will be a time when its no longer there.  and that reality is way harder than this one.

Rejoice in the things that are present; all else is beyond thee.  ~Montaigne