let teddy win

after quite a few fits and starts lately, i'm actually starting to TRY to get a hold of myself.  because not only do i realize that i'm quite lucky, i'm really beginning to understand that even more important than me being able to cope with all the craziness, my kids may actually GET IT.  and THAT is worth all of this internal (and external) mental strife.  and i am seriously just coming to understand that by NOT trying to keep this all bottled up, my kids are gaining some perspective as well.

jake sent me this picture by text the other day....you know - the day last week when i was on the verge of losing my shit yet again.  and i hope its one we will send back and forth from now until the end of time....because ultimately HAPPY is everyone's goal.  i need the reminder when i stress about work and balance....and he needs the reminder as he weighs his options for next year.  it all seems so monumental in one moment....and then in the next, something else comes along to show us that in the grand scheme of things, its just another thing to be dealt with.

and aside from the rash of nervous breakdown type behavior - i generally do have a pretty good eye on the prize.  i just need a reminder now and then.  my grandfather is 89.  and he is very very close to the end of the line.  he's the guy growing up that always said stuff like "dont jump in the pool....the water will splash out"...but he's also one of the neatest men i know.  he was in the original class of navy frogmen, and a dc fireman.  he's been retired my whole life, and if i do say so myself, i have always been his favorite.  he was always this incredibly robust man that had a full gray beard and looked like santa.  he still wears suspenders every single day.  and while they used to keep his pants up, they now keep them from falling down. he is literally wasting away.  and its so so sad.  and the worst part is that i havent spent nearly enough time with him in the past few years.  the boys got bigger, we got busier, he got more forgetful and less mobile, and time just seemed to tick away.  so when we went to see him yesterday, it just brought it all home that you just can't take life for granted.  pappy has had a wonderful life. crazy at times. but long and full of people who love him.  i hope he remembers that.  and i'm sorry i havent done a better job of letting him know that recently.  and for now, its still not too late.

so then there's my pop....who is the same figure to my boys as pappy was to me.  that guy that's always there.  he comes to the games and drops by the house unexpectedly.  and of course as teenagers, the boys think "oh, its just pop".  because he's always around.  but one day, he wont be.  and it wont be the same.  now my dad, he's  passionate about baseball.  he's the one who coached jake on his first travel team and who comes over every day to update us on the nationals.  not that anyone in this house watches baseball, but we love it for pop.  and yesterday, as we were all leaving pappy's house, he asked if anyone wanted to go to the game with him today....and jake jumped up and said "i do".  and you all KNOW that jake does NOT like baseball.  but he gets it.  and i'm so so glad.  because THAT makes all this ridiculous inner turmoil worth it.if my being a basketcase is making my boys pay more attention, then all i can say is GOOD!

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."~-Brad Henry ~

so today is good day.  actually its a great day.  none of the othe ridiculousness that stresses me has gone away. but today it doesnt matter.  and if i keep my head screwed on straight, tomorrow it wont matter either.  because what really matters...what SHOULD matter....is that we are moving in the right direction together.  and even if we aren't, we are still together.  and THAT is what matters most of all.