my favorite things so far

from an email sent to me today by my sister :) 

"you inspire me and make me want to punch you at the same time"

i think i've mentioned how much i love the feedback i've gotten and how wide ranging it has been....but this has BY FAR been the best!! NOW you see why she's my best friend :)  and the fact that she ran 5 miles yesterday makes it all the more kick ass!!  so i guess the first official shout out goes to you, lisa!!  you ROCK!!

the very best thing about having any kind of platform is that you have an opportunity to share things with other people....the challenge with that is that not everything you share will be positive or beneficial.....i'm hoping that in just the SHARING of it all, basically uncensored, that the very least you will get is that either you are not living in your insanity alone....or there is definitely someone out there crazier than you.  i am really coming to be more appreciative of this exercise, not only in how it has been beneficial for me, but also in how many people have related to different parts of it.  to me writing this blog has become a part of the day i look forward to because it makes me reflect on what i've read and experienced during my day....it is making me "more present" every day, and i sometimes wonder now why i didn't always do this....it's like a food journal....something you know you should do, but you are just not sure you actually want to read what you wrote down!!  except i find i'm learning things about myself too -and important things.....especially that i AM capable of looking past the nonsense and seeing the joy.  i'm making a bigger effort to make the big picture BECOME my small picture.....bringing it all into focus and enjoying each moment, or as much as i can.

we all watched MONEYBALL tonight - i think i've mentioned that we are not the "eat your dinner together" family....or maybe not......i know every expert on earth, including my mom, thinks its a travesty that we don't eat dinner together, but really its just not my thing.  we have always just been so freaking busy at dinnertime, that really dinnertime at my house is mostly about getting everyone FED!!  i'm sure i'll get into that another time, but honestly we do other things together....my favorite of which is MOVIE NIGHT!! and its usually not planned - just like tonight.....science fair is over, we all were home, so we decided to grab some blankets (and snacks of course) and watch a movie.  i love this for so many reasons, but its so cool that the boys are all old enough to have their own opinions and interact with each other and us.  if you haven't seen MONEYBALL you should - its a great story, and its awesome to see how it played out and the decisions and reactions of the people involved.  the best part for me is that immediately after its over, luke is trying to google the kid who fell at the end of the movie (of course), josh is repeating his favorite one-liners, and jake is rehashing his love of sports......its a cool way for me to bond with them and to get a glimpse into how they think.....so overall a well spent couple of hours.  something maybe i would have enjoyed before this exercise, but i dont think i would have appreciated it.....being PRESENT in these moments is a gift i dont think i paid enough attention to.....and something i hope not to take for granted again.

my newest book is called HARDCORE ZEN....i didnt finish it yet (due to movie night :), but i am LOVING IT!!  its an irreverent yet honest look at one man's search for "the truth"....which led him to ZEN Buddhism....i'm still not sure how i feel about meditation, but i'm thinking i might eventually get there....and i absolutely love that the principles it follows lead you to INDIVIDUAL responsibility for your life and your actions.....what you choose to believe or practice is secondary to the truth that resides WITHIN you....whether you believe that's a gift from GOD or Buddha or science, you can't dispute that we are all tied together in this universe.....and if we ALL start to THINK for ourselves, and ACT responsibly as individuals, the WHOLE will benefit.  we have to stop letting other people THINK for us, and tell us what is right or wrong according to THEIR principles......have your OWN!! its just so INTERESTING to me that there are other people out there who want to SHAKE their government/teacher/priest and say WAKE UP!!  things dont have to stay the same just BECAUSE you say they do.....Bill BEANE turned baseball on its EAR with his "theory" of sports management......and people bashed him and resisted it....but he perservered BECAUSE it MADE SENSE to change!!  and it was BASEBALL!!  people resist ANY change that pushes against their BELIEFS of how things should work!!  because we are TAUGHT that someone has to be RIGHT, which means someone has to be WRONG......its CRAZY.....

"Nothing in all the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity."  martin luther king, jr

i sometimes wonder if there was a list of ALL the things that affected us as individuals, as families, and as a society where would "the majority" fall in line?  if you didnt have a set of guidelines, or laws, or religion to tell you how you should think or feel about an issue, what would YOU think?  how would you CHOOSE to live your life?  would you spend any time DEFENDING your position or trying to sway people over to "your" side....or would you just be content that you were living your life as you chose to live it?  i'm not saying that society doesn't need structure (i'm not TOTALLY crazy)....i just would be interested to see where people came down on issues if they had to sit quietly and decide....no tv, no book, no internet....just CONSCIOUS, INTENTIONAL thought!  what would you choose to teach your children about life? ethics? morals? the planet? responsibility? judgement? progress? animal rights? equality? education? competition? compassion?  where do these things stack up on our list?  do we even have a list?  or are we just content getting through each day, doing what someone else tells us we should be doing?  i hope whoever it is that gets to decide what i'm supposed to do, knows what the hell she is talking about :)

The ultimate authority must always rest with the individual's own reason and critical analysis.   Dalai Lama

 

where the rubber meets the road

yes, i went to the bookstore AGAIN!!  as different thoughts and subjects creep up i find myself heading in so many directions.....i'm sure i will figure out a real "plan" eventually, but for now, i'm just kind of going wherever this takes me....i actually set out to get a book on buddhism (which i did, kind of), but also picked up "CLEAN"....it seems i can't really move in any single direction without all of the pieces seeming to come together.....the spiritual journey leads me to a quest for inner peace....or happiness - which is leading towards more info on the "zen"....and of course, i'm totally obsessed with wellness and how this all relates.  ironically one of the sections in this book is called "set your intention"...funny, right?  it asks the question "do you WANT to do it? or do you HAVE to do it?"  its amazing to me that out of the 4 bazillion books on health and wellness, i pick the one related to my intention!!  and it seems that in a quest for inner peace, i am finding that i cant be on that journey if i dont physically feel well.  i've made a lot of changes over the last couple of years....and some are profound and awesome.....and some are just different.  but in choosing to not eat meat, i have found that often i am no HEALTHIER.....and that was initially my goal.  i dont suffer with stomachaches like i used to (which was what ultimately made me change my eating habits), but it was in reading about the negative impact on both animals themselves and the planet that keep me from eating meat.  which is somewhat ironic, as i am not at all the crunchy, activist type.  but again, once i read or am exposed to something that makes SENSE to me, i find it hard to backpedal from.  that's not to say i dont slip up or crave a good cheeseburger -but i can honestly say, switching to a plant based diet has been a great change for me.  (of course, in terms of my weight, you remember that potato thing, right?)

i just find it so incredibly interesting that in our state of "advancement", doctors are not educated in nutrition, and more people who have access to incredible amounts of information don't question more......how it is that we are such an unhealthy, overweight society, when we have every technological advancement???  the answer is that we have forgotten to look at ourselves at the most basic level....no matter what you believe, i think we can all agree that the human body is an amazing creation - that we are managing to completely JACK UP!!!  we are so overmedicated that most people cant think for themselves....we treat everything from headaches, to depression and everything in between with PILLS......never looking for the source of the problem, just a patch to cover it up.  the medical profession, along with the FDA and government, have fallen victim to their own machination.....we create a "food pyramid" that makes us unhealthy, and we throw medication at the results of our poor eating....our health care system is overburdened and underfunded, and doctors can't or dont have time or wont look at the CAUSES of the problems.....because most of them are so specialized that they dont see the WHOLE for the parts they know.  my sister-in-law recently was diagnosed with a sarcoma - this was an incredbily scary time for her - she was faced with an uncertain future, and intense pain - she couldnt eat due to where the tumor was located.....long story short, she had a horrible 8 months, but is now considered cancer free - the crazy part.....when she went to see her oncologist after surgery - he looked at her chart, said she looked "fine" and was going to send her home....SHE WEIGHED 87 POUNDS!!!  she is 5 freaking 10!! and he thought she was "fine" because her "cancer" was gone.....he didnt even LOOK at her!!  i'm not blaming him....the doctors are as much a victim to the system as anyone....but the system is definitely BROKEN.  i dont want my kids to think that medication is the answer for everything!!  they know so many people who pop pills regularly....its one more thing today that's "no big deal".  wouldn't you rather know WHY!!  you cant figure out HOW to fix something until you figure our what is WRONG....we are all the SUM of our PARTS....not individual pieces.

Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony. - gandhi

so in that vein, i'm not just on a spiritual journey....because you cant find peace in your mind or your heart without finding it in your body.....this is the part where i talk the talk, but am not sure i can walk the walk....it's where the rubber meets the road so to speak.   i'm going to attempt to do this 21 day cleanse (you can start laughing whenever you feel like it) more for the opportunity to see if i have what it takes.  living clean means working towards a synergy between your body and your emotions....negative energy creates negative desires...we are literally FEEDING our negativity with bad food, and vice versa.  id love to get to the place where i am feeding myself POSITIVE energy through healthy, earth friendly food.  now can i actually succeed??? who knows. but to quote dr junger "failing is just proof that you are trying" :)  he also goes on to say that the most toxic emotion we have is GUILT....go figure!

i've been so flattered and happy to hear from so many different people since starting the blog...it seems like everyday i hear from someone new....not only do i LOVE it and APPRECIATE it because it helps to keep me motivated, but i find it so reassuring that so many of us want to DO better and BE better....not that we are bad....but that there is more out there somehow.....if we can only take the time to just STOP for a second and look for it!  i dont know whether its my age or my kids ages or what, but i feel like i need to stop NOW, while i have a chance.....because i only get this one go around and i want to get it right :)  i can't imagine how hard it is for john every single day without laura.....but i believe that thru HER faith she has made a difference for the better, not only for me but for everyone who is and will be touched somehow thru this journey.  she left way too soon, but she made the world a better place for having been here.....isnt that the greatest testament of all. 

its the little every day things i am trying to stop and appreciate.....every time i hit the pavement to run, i say over and over again, i dont HAVE to do this...i GET TO.....change is hard dammit, but i'm trying!! 

science fair sucks

now this is something i will never understand.....why do the kids in advanced classes HAVE to do the science fair, when its a complete drag on their time.  i understand if they WANT to, but you can make the argument that they have ENOUGH homework already......and no matter how old they are, this is not something really anyone can accomplish completely on their own.  so for the last 3 weekends, my entire family has had some kind of involvement in making sure these science fair projects are done.....its RIDICULOUS!!  and dont get me started on the parents that do the backboards for their kids so that they can go to COUNTY science fair......that these things influence the grades of my high schoolers sends me over the edge!  i have a kid taking 4 AP classes and 3 honors classes, and he still has to do a science fair project....and his first 3 ideas were rejected because they didnt take enough TIME!!!  why not make the kids who are struggling in science do some extra work????  essentially you are penalizing the kids who work hard....i know thats a gross generalization, but even my kid who plans to BECOME a scientist, finds the science fair to be a ridiculous waste of time.....the only one who likes it is josh....because he's in elementary school and its still an option!!!  cant we think of something a bit more relevant for our kids to be working on??  how about a community service project?  or a creative writing project??  or i dont know, a health challenge???  SOMETHING that may have a positive impact on them or the community??  it's another instance in my opinon where its EASIER not to make a change, even when a change is warranted!!!  how can we expect our kids to compete in a global society when our education system is running 20 years behind!!!

Much education today is monumentally ineffective. All too often we are giving young people cut flowers when we should be teaching them to grow their own plants.  John W. Gardner

okay thats also an oversimplification, but it seems to me that as a society we are much more concerned with SAYING our children are educated, than in actually preparing them to be successful or productive.  the majority of kids today are expected to go to college, so they do.....they leave college with a ton of debt, and no real direction.....they just want to make enough money to pay off their loans and "be happy".....it would seem to me that if we really want our kids to be happy, we would try to find something that they are good at, and that they will be successful with.  instead, we are trying to make our "smart" middle schoolers pick a "specialty" so that they can be an engineer, or a biochemist, or an architect.....i mean who knows IN MIDDLE SCHOOL what you will have an aptitude or love for later in life??  its crazy.....

and who says all kids should have to take the same classes??  isnt that what all these aptitude tests are for??  if you've taken your tests every year, by the time you hit high school, it should be fairly easy to determine which kids should take "fundamentals of technology", and which kids should take "intro to engineering".....why do they all need to take the fundamentals class?  are we SO AFRAID to say to our kids, that class is just not for you ..... it's like giving everyone a trophy.....not everyone DESERVES a trophy!!  or earned a trophy.  just like not everyone should be in calculus....i have a super smart kid who is NEVER going to take calculus....even though he qualified for it and i took a rash of shit from his school counselor for not putting him in it.....he is NOT INTERESTED in it - and has no desire be a mathmetician....so why should he take it?? just because thats the next class in the curriculum?  isnt it more productive for him to take AP government??  or stats??  or pysch??  by the same vein, all kids have to take ART.....in HIGH SCHOOL!!  i mean seriously?  why do we want all of our kids to be the same??  they should have ACCESS to the same opportunities, absolutely....but i'm pretty sure that by high school you know if your child has any interest or aptitude for ART!!  and i happen to have one kid who does....and i'm sure excited for him to take art in  high school because the classes are great - but for my 2 non artistic children its a waste of time and a stressor....who wants to take an ELECTIVE that they are not good at??  i've been preaching to my kids FOR YEARS that you don't get to be good at EVERYTHING!!  some kids are smart, some are athletic, some can sing or dance, some can draw and most have an interesting combination.....but just because you cant draw or sing or throw a ball or do calculus doesnt mean there is anything wrong with you....it means you need to find out WHAT YOU CAN DO, and move in that direction.....THAT'S what high school should be about.....

 A child miseducated is a child lost. John F. Kennedy

if you know that college isnt for you, then learn a trade!!  when did it become such a taboo thing to say, i don't want to go to college??  how many kids do you know who want to be a mechanic, or a hairdresser?  it's like you cant admit that anymore.....but a good majority of my friends who work in a trade are much better off today than my friends who went to school.....i'm not advocating either one, necessarily - but i think we need to start having open and honest conversations with our kids about their futures.....i cant tell you how many kids i know who havent made it past their first semester of college.....because they arent ready or its not what they want.....not EVERYONE is cut out for college.....and honestly if one of  my kids said to me, i dont want to go - i would do my best to make sure they had a PATH that would lead to a place where they could support themselves - and hopefully be fulfilled.  growing up in a blue collar family myself, i understand that my dad had to work HARD.....his job was physically taxing -but he supported his family, and was very successful in his work -and retired with a nice pension.....absolutely nothing wrong with that!! 

as usual i went off in several directions, but i feel so frustrated with our education system.....sports have taken over as priority for college selection.....and we are teaching our kids from such an early age that STATUS matters.....i just want my kids to be happy....and prepared for the future....because that future could be ROUGH!!   

The problems of the world cannot possibly be solved by skeptics or cynics whose horizons are limited by the obvious realities. We need men who can dream of things that never were. John F. Kennedy



another saturday night

okay so this post is number two from the road. so no pic again, and darnit i have a good one. at some point i'll figure out how to upload pics from my phone but until then, i'll just have to double post tomorow.

today will be short and sweet. and another quirky personality comentary. its funny because i always laugh when someone calls me competitive. now i like to win, dont get me wrong, but really what i like is to PLAY. my SISTER is competitive! some of the girls i play with are COMPETITIVE....and my coach oddly enough is SUPER COMPETITIVE. in comparison, id say, im kinda competitive (ha). that's not to say i wont nurse a good sulk on occasion when we lose, or make my pop or kb or lisa listen to a long winded rant now and then, but for the most part, once a game is over, i just move on. i really do feel so lucky that i still get to play, and play at a level that is fulfilling. im not sure how many more years, i have but i will do it for as long as my body lets me.

now my team ROCKS!! i have been so fortunate throughout my life to be on great teams....every long term friend i have has been made and forged somehow thru my teams. you dont often get that chance as an adult....but i did and im so glad. the funniest part about my team is that i am seriously the second oldest person on it...the first being my sister!! we are like SENIOR CITIZENS on this team....its hilarious!! so im now in the position where some of my best pals are like 12!!! okay maybe they are in their 20's but still!! there's a special place in my heart for stackalicious....my "newest" friend for life - and a super great girl...ive been so lucky again to have made a "lifer" friend thru softball. she's my pedicure, spend the night, see a movie, console each other and avon walk kind of friend. even tho she is literally 14 years younger, i still love her :)...and then of course, there are the competitors!! let's just say that trish and sam PUSH me to be more competitive. they are the bust your balls, win at all cost friends.....and its been super fun to find friends like that again too.

which leads me to today....you know i totally dropped the ball last year, and have committed to all sorts of nonsense this year to get my stuff back together. well one of the first things is that lovely half marathon in march. and i'm running the damn thing with TRISH...ms ultra competitive.....so of course she ran 10 miles yesterday.....and posted it on facebook.....which was pretty much a great big giant "hey deni, get your ass in gear"......so, of course, after much internal debate, i set off on a run today....thinking - just go 6....6 is respectable. then once im running i start negotiating with myself, because dammit, trish did 10. so after an HOUR AND 40 minutes, i'm 8.5 in and im almost to my destination, when i'm faced with a GIANT HILL. this is where the "real deni" kicks in and realizes, i'd like to be able to post that 10 mile run on facebook, just so i can say SO THERE to trish.....but there's NO WAY i'm running up a hill after running 8.5....so i stopped...and walked up the hill. i'm totally good with the 8.5 :)

and that in a nutshell is why being 40 is so much better than 28....or at least that's my story.....and i'm sticking to it :)

frustration

okay so today would be one of those days that i wish i could throw my computer out of the window.....and then run over it with my truck.  no picture today - even tho i took a really good one (well, appropriate anyway) because i can get my mouse to pair with my mac, so i'm typing from my laptop that doesn't have my pics on it....can you say UUUUGGGHHH!

so anyway, ironically todays post is about, of all things, my personality!!  HA.....i had another one of "those days" where it all kind of bubbled up to the surface....and i was able to take a good hard look.  now i am not apologizing (at all) for my "in your face" style.  as a matter of fact, i love that people know where they stand with me -and of course i am more than happy to share my opinon pretty much at all times.  and i know i have the reputation for being incredibly DIRECT....or bitchy....depending on whether you like me or not :).  the best part is that i am cool with it, either way, for the most part.  i am who i am.  yes, i could be nicer, but the flip side of that is that i get shit done.....and i really do have a good heart.  with all that being said, i think the funniest thing i've ever heard anyone say to kris about me is that i'm "SCARY"!!!  yes, i have the magical power to intimidate most grown men.....again, mostly because i speak my mind.  interestingly enough, this works well for both me and kris.  he gets to be super nice and i get to make shit happen - its a great combination -and we rarely fight....mostly because we have the unspoken agreement that if he actually cares enough to argue with me, he can win :)

see, i'm easy to get along with!  now most of you know that i got roped into helping with this lacrosse league.  and its been eye opening in many many many ways.  but this year, i got my real first hand experience with being bulldozed.....and realized that i am usually the bulldozEE, not the bulldozED....which is not a good thing, but true.  that's not to say that i attempt to bulldoze people (and i realized that after watching it done to me)....mostly i just make up my mind how something should work and i go about making that happen.  its an "eyes on the prize" mentality that has worked out for me pretty well ....aside from that whole mean and bitchy thing.  i have to say usually i dont care one way or the other, because as i said, this is just me.  but today for the first time in a good long while, i actually RELISHED it.  and i realized i actually REFUSE to let someone make me do something that is not good for my family, our league or any of our parents.  so yes, i can be a complete pain in the ass -and i'm sure the head of the league we play in wants to shoot me in the head - but i am totally capable of drawing a line in the sand.  what i didn't realize is that some people aren't......

i watched a room full of grown ass people let one man push thru an agenda that no one wanted because no one could argue with him.  in their defense, he is a lawyer, and apparently a good one....but still.  after the meeting (at which i really was the only one who abstained from voting....after doing my damnedest to make points for the whole area), i cant tell you how many people said things like "it wasnt worth the fight" or "we weren't going to win the argument anyway".....and they DISAGREED!!  i just dont understand why people dont or wont stick up for themselves or their cause.  round 2 of same meetings ended with my before mentioned line in the sand....i'll keep you posted on how THAT turns out :)

so i guess my question is this:  when IS it worth the fight?  now i know i like to argue - i find it fun for the most part, and interesting - and i can usually argue both sides of the point if need be.....but when it MATTERS, why WOULDN'T you?  which led to the second question of how many times have i inadvertantly bulldozed my way thru a situation?  i'm sure the answer to that is OFTEN.  because i dont mind a good debate, or argument, i guess i just assumed that most people were the same.  because kris, who again is the nicest person ever, argues when he feels he should.....and i'm hoping most people i've crossed paths with would be able to say the same.

funny life lesson.....jake worked last lax season as a ref.  at the end of the season he blew out his knee and obviously couldn't finish reffing.  after it was over, he got the "please set up your account so we can transfer money" email.....which he forgot about, or set up and then didn't email the director.  months pass....long story short he never got paid.  and like most teenagers with a license asks me for cash fairly regularly.  so i ask him about his paycheck (which i just assumed he got)....he never did.  so i tell him to email his director and tell him what happened....his reaction was to say "just forget it"!!!!  he didn't want to upset the director.....now, how do you think THAT went over??  suffice it to say, i pretty much forced him to send the email - to STAND UP FOR HIMSELF....he earned that money!  but it was a lesson for me to see my very confident oldest son, waiver about something that put him in an uncomfortable situation.  but after he did it (and got his $280), he was so much happier.  in my opinion YOU HAVE TO stand up for yourself....or you find yourself on the wrong end of that bulldozer.  i hope if my kids learn nothing else from their loud mouth mom, its that they have the ability, and right, to speak their mind.

what i need to learn is the big ASSUME lesson - you know, makes an ASS out of U n ME.....i'll get there eventually!!  and also, that given enough time to cool off, i dont ALWAYS have to say what i think!!  or deal with my frustration by eating half my house.  but that's a lesson that's probably going to take a lot longer to learn!!  (oh, and my the time i got all the way here i  realized i could just email myself the picture!!  i'm such a hothead!!

but that's why you love me....or think i'm a big giant beeotch :)

a day in the life

it's funny how many different kinds of things strike me in the course of a day that i think could lead to a blog topic....i'm reading 3 different books right now and i'll catch a line here or there that i think might lead to something.  and i try to jot things down as they occur to me....but often i'll pick up my note paper at the end of the day and have no real idea where i was going with any of it.  today was a day like any other, i guess...except that it wasn't :)

if i could sum up, i would say today was all about connection.  i think it's normal to get so caught up in our day to day lives that we don't often reach out....we think everyone is just as busy as we are or we just don't make the effort unless some event creates an opportunity.  i have been so pleasantly surprised by the number of people who have taken the time to shoot me a note on facebook, or a send a text with a comment about the blog.  in and of itself, this "process" is creating an opportunity to reconnect with people, which i find amazing.  it certainly was not the purpose of the blog, but is definitely a happy side benefit.  in the same vein, i had an old friend drop by the house today to pick up a lacrosse registration.  we haven't really spoken in a couple of years - our kids lives took very different paths, and we just didn't seem to have or make the time for each other anymore.  which is sad, but unfortunately one of those things i've talked about before.  so ANYWAY, when she came over, it was like she'd never left.....we picked up right where we left off, and i'm just SO HAPPY that that was the case.....and i hope i'll be seeing more of her now that we've rebroken the ice, so to speak.

i also spent a good part of the day emailing with OLD college friends....you see, one of the best things about college friends is that they RALLY....especially in a sports community....so when OB got the PSU job, immediately the "group" from brown decided we had to make sure we got out to show him some good ole bruno love......which led to today's email frenzy of making reservations and getting people together for a game IN SEPTEMBER i might add.  but it was great to hear from people who played such a large part of  my life during that time.  and i'm super excited to see everyone in the fall.  and i'm so glad that i have the opportunity to let my kids know them, too.

and it just so happens that kb is at a lax alumni event in dc tonight....and he sent me a text that just said "such great guys here....really great to be  part of it"....and i know when he comes home there will be a million stories from those guys that were such a huge part of his life at that time.  it just reinforced to me that the connections we make as we travel along our individual paths all remain a part of who we are.....and while it gets disheartening sometimes when we lose touch for a while, it's such an awesome thing to know that those connections aren't broken.

A good friend is a connection to life - a tie to the past, a road to the future, the key to sanity in a totally insane world.  ~Lois Wyse

the other interesting way i felt connected today had to do with the boys.  as it happens, i'm lucky that i really do feel like i "know" my kids.  but now that jake is driving, and i'm working more, sometimes i feel like i don't get much deeper than the surface info....how was your day, anything new type of stuff.  but over the last couple of days, i feel like they have all taken a bit more time to share things with me.  with josh right now it's all about making his movies, and how much he has learned about spray paint of all things - but its so interesting to me that he actually has a PLAN for these movies he makes.....and that he wants me to know about it......and then jake and i have a heart to heart about his life.  he has not had such an easy road, athletically speaking (which i'm sure i'll go on and on about during lax), but i'm so glad that he feels like he can share his frustrations with me...and his what ifs - believe me, i know all about what ifs, especially as they relate to injury -unfortunately for jake, he has had to deal with that much earlier in life....but at least we talk about it - and what other opportunities it creates for him.  and then there's luke....my silent warrior.  he came up to me today with a PLAN for his future.....apparently he's been stewing about it for quite some time, but has managed to work it out in his head.....and he wanted to share it with me.  how incredibly, amazingly lucky am i?  of course when i asked them for a picture for the blog, this is what i got.....

 so i guess i have to take the bad with the good :)  at least they are managing to keep their sense of humor, living with their crazy ass mom!!  it's just so interesting to me that when you take the time to LOOK around, there is very neat stuff going on.  i feel like i was living with my head in the sand for a while there, and now that i've looked up, my mind is so much more OPEN than i can ever remember.....and i can't wait to see what crosses my path next!

"It is better to travel well than to arrive." -Buddha

that's it for me.....i'm not sure where exactly i'm going, but i'm determined to make the most of the trip!!

a family tradition

if you look closely at that picture, you will see two things....one, i clearly am NOT following my eating plan when presented with giant yummy cupcakes....and two, i spent my evening at BINGO!! yes, bingo.  why on earth would i do that, you might ask?  well there are several reasons, but i can honestly say that i'm so glad i did.

a little history.....my mom is one of 5 children.....her mom is one of 12....u know the drill -they are all good catholics, and come from a long line of long-lived women.....of my grandmothers 11 siblings, 6 are still living -they range in age from 84-92.  of the 6 still living, 4 are women...and they ALL play bingo!!  barring any complication, on any given wednesday night or sunday afternoon, you will find my nana, great aunt mary, great aunt bo, great aunt june and great uncle fritz's wife janet all at the local bingo hall.  and they are always always always accompanied by my mom :)!!  i would like to say my mom goes to bingo to help out HER mom, but that would be a big fat lie....my mom is OBSESSED with bingo....it's her refuge, so to speak.   its the place where she doesn't have to think or worry about anything but the next number.  and honestly, for a long time, i didn't understand it.  when she started regularly attending bingo, i thought she was crazy - i mean once in a while, sure -but 2 days a week???  we've moved birthday parties and family events around bingo - because unless its really really really important, we are not to mess with the bingo schedule.  now, not only does my mom play bingo....she plays COMPETITIVE bingo - they want to WIN and they pair up to increase the odds!!.(my aunt mary is my mom's partner)....its crazy...but they LOVE IT!!  the part i'm just starting realize is that it's not JUST about the game, it's also about creating time and making memories with HER mom and aunts.....they tell stories, and share food, and they do it every week.....it just so happens to be at the bingo hall.

how did i get involved??  well, a couple of years ago when trying to decide what to do for my mom's birthday, we thought - why not just go with her to bingo??  it's her favorite thing to do and it might be fun.....so that's what we did. and we had fun. and we had the side benefit of spending time with "the ancients" (that's our loving family nickname for my nana's generation - i know, nice).  it's kind of become our new "thing".  on a random wednesday night here and there when we are not playing ball, lisa and i will  go hang out with the ladies at bingo - this week just happens to be mom's bday week (hence, the cupcakes), so that's what we did.  what does all of this have to do with anything, you ask??  i'm getting there :)

now i know we all love all of our relatives, blah blah blah...but you know you all have a special place in your heart for a particular aunt or uncle, right?  well for me that person is my great aunt mary.  she lives across the street from my parents and has for as long as i can remember.  for the half hour my mom worked  when i was in fifth grade, aunt mary put me on the bus...and i have a special place in my heart for her.  (yes, that's her with us in the pic).  now aunt mary is a spitfire....she's always talking and always laughing and so much fun to talk to.....she tells stories about how bad she was when she was young (even though she wasn't) and generally just has the best sense of humor of anyone i know.  when i asked her how aunt june was doing (aunt june is 94 btw), she just said "well you know, she's getting up there".....like she's a spring chicken at 88.  anyhow, she just cracks me up, and i get to drive her home after bingo when i go.  so tonight as we are driving i ask her how her granddaughters wedding was....and we digress onto the topic of our lovely local parish where she was married.  now the other thing you should know about aunt mary is that she is SERIOUSLY catholic....her daughter and granddaughters teach ccd and she's a daily attendee....so we started talking about how things had changed and how they had stayed the same.....and during our conversation she just looked at me and said "deni, you are a good mom -and when the time is right for you to get back to church, you'll know it....just keep doing what you are doing and raising your boys"......now you know i'm definitely not going to start arguing theology with my 88 year old great aunt - so i just said thank you....i appreciate that she doesn't judge me - and loves me for being me.....

and then she told me that it hadn't always been easy for her either.  aunt mary has lost a husband, and also a child.  its the loss of her son that haunts her, as it would any parent.  the church helped her get thru that incredibly difficult time in her life, and it solidified her commitment to it.  but what she said next is really what got me....she just looked at me and said "you know, i fuss at GOD.....when things aren't going the way they should, i let him know it".....and it struck me like an arrow - my aunt mary doesn't just "believe in" or  "pray to" GOD.....she talks to him, like a friend.  she has a relationship with GOD that i really can't comprehend.  and of course, because this is how this has worked out for me so far, the book i'm reading right now is called "the christian atheist".  it's about EXACTLY that.....people who claim to believe in GOD, but don't KNOW him.  and as i'm reading this book, my skeptical self is going "ooookay, dude - who really 'talks' to GOD like that?"  because even when i was a regular prayer, i never really conversed with GOD.....again, maybe i'm the weird one - but i always felt like GOD needed to be put up on a pedestal and revered....you didn't ask GOD for things - you were grateful to him....he certainly wasn't someone who i "fussed at".  but aunt mary does.  she LIVES her faith.  and i find it inspiring.

so how does it relate to bingo?  it doesn't necessarily....but i've come to realize that bingo in and of itself is fun for my mom, yes.  but it's the camaraderie and the time she gets to spend with her family that truly makes it what it is.....for me, its great to get to know those ladies in my family as WOMEN...not just as relatives.  it's amazing what they have to offer, if only i take the time to listen..... so i guess lisa and i will be the next generation to join in the tradition -and we will drag dani kicking and screaming at some point.  because you never get the chance to spend that time once your loved ones are gone.....and as aunt mary says, they are "getting up there" :)

The great gift of family life is to be intimately acquainted with people you might never even introduce yourself to, had life not done it for you.  ~Kendall Hailey