birthday blog

i guess birthdays are as good a time as any for reflection, right?  this year more than most i imagine that's the case.  its always easy to say "what a difference a year makes"....but in my case, i would have to say that i feel almost entirely different this year than last.

to start with, the difference between 40 and i'm guessing any number higher than 40 is lack of anticipation.  40 seemed to be this milestone last year...i had to ACCOMPLISH something before i turned 40 - or at least i felt like i had to.  it was  a lingering "holy shit" that seemed to pervade the entire year.  and not necessarily in a bad way.  i went on a fabulous trip with an old friend, which in a lot of ways kicked off what i am now calling my ongoing "quest" for some zen :)  and i have to say i enjoyed a large part of the "buildup" to 40.  the funny part is that you hear all these over 40 people say - i LOVE 40....i didnt' find out who i really was until i turned 40....40 is amazing.....i stopped caring what other people thought when i turned 40.  and i call bullshit.

not to say 40 sucks or anything.  40 is fine.  i'm sure 41 will be fine also.  but i dont feel like a better person for being 40. i didnt wake up one day last year more confident or strong.  i didn't all of the sudden find inner peace. what i woke up with at 40 was a realization that my skin is a big more saggy no matter what i do, and that i'm essentially the same person i've always been - just now i'm officially middle aged.  and certainly i've grown ..... i feel more mature about a lot of things -but i'm not sure this is a function of age so much as a reflection on the events that have occurred in my life.

Wisdom doesn't necessarily come with age.  Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.  ~Tom Wilson

interestingly, whenever i think about my life- i break it up into segments.  some long and some short.  pre college, college/pre kid, the mom years (which is essentially my whole adult life), the fun years (37-39) - you know where the kids were finally old enough to stay home alone, but not old enough to get into any trouble, and the 40s.  and ironically i dont have a favorite.  some have been certainly more interesting than others - but all in all i'm so super fortunate that when i DO reflect on my life - i'm a very happy, very lucky girl.

and maybe that's what birthdays are for.  to help us look back or forward to see what it is we have, what we want and whether or not we are going in the right direction.  40 was tough for me. i can always remember thinking when the kids were little - i cant wait to be 40 because my kids will be 17, 15 & 11.  and then THEY WERE!!  and i was NOT HAPPY!  it wasnt so much MY age that freaked me out, but theirs.  yes, i'm so glad we had the boys when we were young.  i LOVE being able to enjoy my kids at the ages they are now.  but wow, do i feel like time just flew by.  the difference this year is that i'm trying not to let the number freak me out.  because in that way 41 will be waaaay harder.  i'll have an 18 year old leaving for college, a 16 year old getting his license and a hormonal 12 year old.  i just cant let it make me crazy.

what i've learned this last year, more than any is that life is short.  its fragile. and we only get one shot at it.  does that make me more mature now than i was at 31?  nope.  i think it just makes me more grateful.  and hopefully more aware of the time that i do get.  certainly more appreciative.  because what i will always remember most about being 40 was trying to learn how to cope with loss.  how to help other people.  and how to try to look outside of my small box for the bigger picture.  THAT is what makes me different this year from last.  i was shoved unwillingly into a new place where i'm no longer able to take the things for granted that i once did.  its not about the number.  its about the experience.  and i hope im a better person today than i was last year.  i hope i've made some changes that reflect this new awareness.  i hope i'm more grateful and more at peace than i might have been.  and i'm not sure that any of that is true.  what is true is that i am making the effort.

41 is fine.  its just another number, honestly.  i'll be interested to see how i feel about 42.  last year seemed to be about looking back.  this year is all about looking forward.....we are all on the cusp of change.  the challenge is to make the change a positive one.  and if i've learned nothing else this year, its to not take one single minute for granted.

A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun.  Enjoy the trip.  ~Author Unknown

 

my poor cow

I hold it to be the inalienable right of anybody to go to hell in his own way.....Robert Frost

this weekend was my annual trip to sunny florida for worlds.....and boy was it a SHOW!  we decided very early on in the trip (like on the plane) that we were going to have a flat-stanley-like "cow adventure".....  for those of you that don't know, that cute little sucker is my cow.  i'm obsessed with him.  i bought him a few years ago for yet another softball tournament where it was going to be super cold - because you can microwave his tummy...which is AWESOME!!  and ever since, he has been a pretty constant companion.  he has been on every southern softball trip.....among others - he is a VERY well travelled cow.  so as i started taking ridiculous pictures of the cow, and of course sending them out - i realized a) we are completely stupid and b) we drink ALOT.  my favorite response was from kris who just sent me a text that said "that cow did not have a drinking problem when he left" :)  it's in his honor that the you get all the drinking cow pics !!

my point here is not to rub in how much fun we had in florida (altho it WAS a hoot)....but to explore how i know i'm not as young as i used to be....because let me tell you - i can no longer RECOVER like i used to.  which led me down the path of  HOW DO PEOPLE FUNCTION?  i mean i dont want to sound like an alcoholic or anything, but we partied pretty hard for 4 days....interspersed with some pretty stellar softball (we came in 9th out of 80)....so to say that we rallied is an understatement.....HOWEVER, let's also say i was not the chipper ray of sunshine at 4am monday when we were flying home!!

and the funniest part is while i had an amazing time, i also feel incredibly guilty.  go figure. it's like somehow i feel at "my age" i no longer should have a crazy weekend.  i'm a mom for pete's sake.  fishbowls and drag shows, pig pong & bloody marys seem slightly inappropriate in hindsight.  but it was so much damn fun!!  so i rationalize the fun with (what else) PENANCE!!  that's an ingrained catholic for you.

The safest and most suitable form of penance seems to be that which causes pain in the flesh but does not penetrate to the bones, that is, which causes suffering but not sickness.
Saint Ignatius

now you all know by now that i am not going to run to church because i drank alot on my vacation.  but what i AM going to do is torture myself in some way - just so i feel like i'm paying for it.  which is ridiculous - but there you go.  this year has been fairly interesting for me in a lot of ways.....i've pushed myself on several different levels, and i BELIEVED i was pushing myself physically.  i trained for the half marathon - and i lifted seriously for the first time in a long time this summer to get ready for the tough mudder.  so while i'm not in fantastic shape, i would consider myself FIT.  why does this matter?  well because kris called me while i was in florida to tell me that our brand spanky new INSANITY workout had arrived. and he wasnt sure he could wait for me to start.  here is where i WISH i had said "i'm not doing that" or "you are CRAZY".  when what i reallly said was "ok".  and after my off the hook 4 day drinking fest, and my 4 am flight on monday - i came home to do the stupid insanity fit test (because after all, i was already 2 days behind).

and i'm pretty positive the ONLY reason i did that was because the mom/catholic/uptight person inside of me felt like i had to PAY for having some damn fun.  and then the competitive/guilty person inside of me doesnt want kris to do it without me....because then he will not only look better than me, he will be able to call me a lazy fat ass. not that he would actually do that....but it would be implied - you know you've all see the "you are a lazy fat ass" look, right?  its the one where one of you is a sweaty mess and the other of you is sitting on the couch with chips. or maybe that's just in my house :)

so for the next little bit here, in addition to all the other ridiculous stuff i'm doing, i'm going to be spending at least a small part of every day bouncing up and down. which is super annoying for several different reasons.  but i AM going to do it.  i've got a lot of things i could use to justify NOT jumping on this bandwagon.  but i dont want to.  i want to feel better.  and i know that the first step in me feeling better about pretty much EVERYTHING is feeling like i am strong.  physical strength to me definitely equates to mental strength.  and since i am already somewhat insane, it only makes sense for my body to reflect that as well!!

wish me luck!!  and feel free to kick kris for me next time you see him!

a case of the grumps

it is TOTALLY perverse of me that someone else being in a bad mood makes me actually make the effort to be happy.  it's like we cant have 2 grumpy people in the house at the same time.  i'm not a commiserator...i'm a fixer.  so clearly the way to get me to be happy or funny is for YOU to be sad or miserable.  how awesome for you :)

this was one of those days when i should have had a really crap day...bad traffic, bad weather, bad work stuff...BUT my girlfriend had a really really good reason to have a much worse day than me.  so i started off my really early morning looking online for funny crap to send her.  there i was, sitting in the parking lot of my first appointment at 7am this morning - waiting for a customer who was like 25 minutes late - which ordinarily would piss me off to NO END - but instead i was cracking up....all by myself.  i'm sure i looked absolutely crazy.  apparently sometimes i just need to remember that no matter how things might seem to me, when you look at things from someone else's point of view, i'm pretty darn lucky.

so there will be absolutely no seriousness in today's blog.  all stupidity.  and maybe a laugh or two.  because what is needed today is humor.  sam's having a hard anniversary.  denise is in the hospital.  and jax is turning 41.  oh, and kris is babysitting a puppy for the next 5 days that he says is not his.  i think they all need a giggle.  so i'm just going to post some of my favorites.  maybe interspersed with an attempt at wisdom.

“When you get to the end of the rope, tie a knot and hang on.”
- Franklin D Roosevelt

today is one of those take the bull by the horn days.....because sometimes its just not good enough to let life happen.  sometimes you have to wrestle with it and fight it and make it do what YOU want.  i'm tired of being tired.  and unhappy.  and feeling like all there is out there is bad news.  so for today, i'm moving past it.

the down side of these days is i am super annoying in my attempts to make everyone around me also be not not happy.  but if i'm honest, i think its my way of not only trying to help, but also giving a big fat clue about how to cheer ME up.  i have wasted a whole lot of time today looking online at stupid posters. and silly quotes.  but it was worth it every time i sent one out and i got a "bhahaha" back.  just like now, i hope.  i hope this blog today motivates you to find something you find funny - or something you think will make a friend laugh.  or cheer someone up.  and send it. 

clearly my humor goes toward the slightly mean - and if i texted you today, probably the classless.  raunchy humor cracks me up as well, but i'm not posting any of that.  curse words seems to be enough.  if i'm in a totally crappy mood, the F bomb both makes me feel better when i use it, and makes me laugh when i read it.  i kno- perverse.  but there you go.

“Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the universe.” albert einstein

 

every now and then you just have to laugh. sometimes its to stop you from crying.  and sometimes its just because.  no matter why it happens, you should make an effort to share it.  i know i can always use it.  and i dont go looking for it as often as i should.  but im going to do a better job from now on.  i'm pretty sure the only reason i didnt lose it today was because i was on the look out for funny.  so for now, that's my game plan.  feel free to share yours!

 

"Like a welcome summer rain, humor may suddenly cleanse and cool the earth, the air and you."
Langston Hughes

i'm going to leave you with these - VERY out of context but i cant remember ever laughing harder than the first time i read "Sh*t my dad says"...best bathroom book ever :) - all by justin halpern as quoted by his dad

“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”

“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”

“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”

“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”

 

is it ever okay to just slow down??

i'm not sure i like being busy, so much as i dont know how to NOT be busy.  i schedule my life down to the second.  and i really really dont mean to.  it just seems like there is always so much to DO....and instead of saying no, i just try like crazy to squeeze it all in.  which i THINK is normal....but maybe not.  because then something comes along to bite you in the ass and INSISTS you slow down.

when i say we dont have a free minute until november, i'm really not exaggerating.  because every free second we have, we are fitting in college visits.  for all of our peace of mind, jake is trying to apply early, so we are attempting to get to 6 schools before the end of october.... "officially".  we started friday on our 12 hour round trip to new jersey.  which was very cool and  i believe an impressive kick off to the visiting treadmill.  however, this is where deni crazy kicks in.  rather than blow off my games friday night (or miss the fair/football game) - we got up at 5am to make our journey.  followed by softball games.  and kickball games on saturday.  and lacrosse games today.

people are constantly laughing at me about my inability to say no to stuff.  but you see, the newest puppy is actually one of the reasons i have for slowing down....is there anything better than cuddling with a puppy at the end of the day?  and due to some crazy brain malfunction on my part, i apparently NEED a REASON to stop running.  and its one of the traits that i know i've passed down to at least 2 of my kids that i recognize and feel the need to apologize to them for.  why cant i just sit on the damn couch if i want to? because i'm CRAZY.  thats why.

its like some people have the ability to compartmentalize in their mind.  kris is one of them.  if he doesnt want to think about something, he just doesn't.  he puts it away and takes it out later.  i was not born with that ability.  the only thing that keeps me from thinking and/or obsessing about things is staying on the move. which is fairly unhealthy, i'm sure.  but its true.  and here i am totally stressing about work and college, so i am overbooking the hell out of myself to stop from drowning in thought about it. which is totally counterintuitive!!!  welcome to the ultimate contradiction that is me.

A person often meets his destiny on the road he took to avoid it. 

 -jean de la fontaine

so here i am running from one thing to the next...and the next. and then WHAM.  my totally super coordinated self is running along at kickball (yes kickball) and my ankle just goes "um no, i dont think i want to step there" and rolls over instead.  which is my stupid way of saying i sprained my ankle rounding first.  and yes (paula if you are reading this, i'm FINE) i am going to worlds to play softball wednesday.  i'm pretty sure this was my body's way of saying - a) you need to slow down for a second and b) you need to stop avoiding thinking about what you want to do.  so i'm going to FORCE you to sit on your ass for the next couple of days.  do all of the things you normally avoid doing while you are running around.

and i'm NOT looking forward to it.  i guess i really do like NOT having to confront these issues.  so while i always give kris a hard time for avoiding things, i'm actually exactly the same.  we just avoid things in different ways.  UGH - annoying revelation #1 ALREADY.  have i said i REALLY dont like having to sit here??  because at the end of the day, i think its the decision making part thats the hardest for me.  if i KNOW i have to do something, then i'm on it.  no problem.  i can make anything work if i have to as long as i have all the pieces in front of me.  its when i have to go figure out all the different pieces that might fit that i start to hyperventilate.  i'm the girl that can argue all of the sides to most any argument.  i can make anything make sense in my own head if you give me long enough.  and by the time i've given anything that much thought, i'm not sure where i was headed in the beginning.  and THAT is why i try to stay busy.

True silence is the rest of the mind; it is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment and refreshment.  ~William Penn

being still means i have time for introspection.  it means i have time to think about all the things that i may not want to address yet.  it means i have to open myself up for those thoughts that may scare me or those that push me in a direction i'm not ready to go in.  it means i have time to REFLECT.  which was one of the major points of this whole year of intention thing in the first place.  but as usual, i seem to have found a way to push through that part and find other ways to deal with what is happening around and to me.  clearly reflection is NOT my strong suit.  or more precisely, its not what i choose to be my strong suit.  but sometimes, when that choice is taken away, even briefly, it presents a new opportunity.  i really believe that i NEED to take this time to examine where it is i'm headed.  and if i hadn't been forced to, i definitely wouldn't.

the good news is i'm at least a little more open to reading the signs than i used to be.  and it hasnt even occured to me to be mad over the sprained ankle.  because it wouldnt do me any good AND i might have actually even needed it! it may be happening slower than id like, but i do believe i'm starting to see the light :)

seasons change

change is a very funny thing.  often it happens and you dont even notice.  i'm not sure whether its chance, or choice, or a combination of both, but it seems that this fall i'm starting to get a glimpse of a very different place.  and the lesson that has been such a challenge for me, seems to be coming a lot more naturally for the boys.  the only direction you can move is forward.

this year, for the first time EVER in the history of bayer sports, i dont have a single person playing any kind of team sport.  well, i mean aside from fall lacrosse, but that doesnt even really count anymore....no football, or flag football, or soccer.  what i do have is an actor and a singer and a movie maker.  and how freakin cool is that?  i would NEVER in my wildest imaginings thought that THE ARTS would take center stage in my house.....and for the most part it seems to have been just a natural evolution.  wrapped in some interesting choices.

for jake, blowing out his knee as a freshman was devastating.  as it would be for anyone.  and at that time, sports were his only passion - like everyone else in this house.  he bounced back and threw himself back into it - and then the second knee injury.  at that point, he had a real choice to make.....because clearly his mother passed down hellacious knees along with everything else.  he could either wallow in what he COULDNT do, or look for something he could.  i guess at this point i could back up and say, jake was always always always great in front of people.  and loved to act.  but when he was 11 and asked to try out for encore kids, we were playing 3 sports and travel baseball.  and he chose sports.  it wasnt even a choice really, just more of a given.  but 5 years later, that lingering interest jumped back up.  and he realized that while he still loved to play, he had to broaden his horizons a bit.  and theatre jumped back up.  in his first outing last year, he got one of the only 8 roles in the fall play....and a supporting role in the winter play. and this fall, i am so super proud to say, he got the lead in great expectations.  and i'm waaaay more excited about that than i ever was about football!!!

probably an even bigger shock to me, is that my super quiet, under the radar luke bayer decided to share with us that he could beat box.  now its always been a funny thing in our house that luke knows every word to every song and can rap along with anybody -no matter the speed.  go figure.  but i had NO IDEA that he had any serious interest in music.  because of course, we are not music people....we are sports people.  and obviously i didnt know you could be both :).  luke has always been the least "out there" of my kids.  and he always always quietly goes about his business....and takes care of everything himself.  he's the one who decided with zero prompting or conversation to run cross country instead of play football.....he knows what he needs to do to get where he wants to go.  i love that about him.  so i shouldnt be surprised when he just quietly says "hey mom, did you know i can beatbox?"  and when i asked him about trying out for unplugged at laplata - he just says "yea, that's what i was thinkin".  and moves on. like its no big deal.  sure, i'm just gonna go put myself out there in an acapella group.  how cool is that?

and josh opted out of football himself this fall.  big move to middle school and all.  he's perfectly happy to play some lax on sundays, and work on his movies.  he constantly asks me to read his "story lines" or even funnier to upgrade his software so he can SERIOUSLY edit his work.  i have NO idea what he's talking about, but i certainly expect him to show up one day and tell me hes got a full length feature film done. and of course, there will be lots and lots of camo in it.

The only way to make sense out of change is to plunge into it, move with it, and join the dance. -Alan W. Watts

the point in this very long winded story is that my kids are just moving on.  looking around, seeing whats out there and embracing the changes.  and i absolutely LOVE that.

so i'm trying to take a page from their book.  embrace whats around the corner.  i cant stop time.  i cant go back. BUT I CAN move forward....willingly and joyfully.  i can look for whats new, not whats lost.  and i can see what else there may be in store for me. it seems i'm not "just" an athlete.  i'm also a writer. and a runner. and maybe, just maybe something more. 

i'll have to think about it on saturday at my first kickball game :) cuz u know i aint changin THAT fast !!

reach...

Man performs and engenders so much more than he can or should have to bear.  That's how he finds that he can bear anything.  ~William Faulkner

like so many people today, i spent a good deal of time reflecting on where i was and how i felt on 9/11....i actually watched the entire today show replay from that morning, and could picture EXACTLY what i was doing at each moment, and what was going thru my mind.  its one of the only events in my life i can really say that about.  and while i can only imagine what those who lost loved ones continue to go thru, i can still remember an honest FEAR the likes of which i hope is never repeated.  at that time kris' office was about 3 blocks from the white house, and i just wanted him HOME and safe.  it seemed like the minutes of that day ticked by slower than any other day i can remember. and the days and weeks that followed were marked by endless stories of tragedy and sorrow....which elicited the same sense of disbelief and mourning in every person you talked to.

and yet, there were also stories of incredible bravery. and a sense of togetherness.  for that one single moment in time, we were united as a country in our need for one another, and our desire for justice.  and again, its the only time i can remember having one single common goal.  and i cant help but think how sad it is that the only thing that seems to unite us is tragedy. 

then i wonder what, if anything, we have learned from it?  yes we have increased our security, and changed some processes.....but did we really ABSORB the loss of that day, or did we just move on?  because to me, the most significant lesson is that hate breeds.  it breeds contempt.  it breeds fear. it breeds violence. its a disease that infects anything good around it.  and once let in, its almost impossible to expel. and for a while there it seemed like we got it.  as individuals, as a community and a country.  but like with most things, time creates a distance.  and we start to forget.  we can say we don't forget.  and for those who lost loved ones, i know its true.  but for the rest of us, we let bitterness creep back in.  we let our differences of opinion drive wedges thru the common good.  we invite hate in.  which can only lead to ruin.

i wonder why loss of life seems to be the one thing that gives us the ability to set aside differences.  i imagine its because we can all empathize with loss.  we understand what it FEELS like and for at least a moment, we give each other a pass.  unfortunately it doesnt last.  we live in a vast and diverse country.  a country founded on freedoms and individual rights.  and when THREATENED, we come together.  but our unity is short lived.  its amazing how fast our focus returns to what divides us.

we are never going to agree as a people on issues of religion or politics. and i'm okay with that.  difference of opinion is not a bad thing.  its how we grow and learn from each other.  its the way we treat each other when confronted with those differences that challenge us.  its when we let hate guide us that we falter.  you can BELIEVE anything you want.  that is your RIGHT.  what you can not do is allow your BELIEF to be more important than mine.  you cant allow your BELIEF to belittle someone elses.  you cannot allow your BELIEF to breed hate.

to me this little speech epitomizes what we SHOULD be striving for...it's from "the american president"

America isn't easy. America is advanced citizenship. You've gotta want it bad, 'cause it's gonna put up a fight. It's gonna say, "You want free speech? Let's see you acknowledge a man whose words make your blood boil, who's standing center stage and advocating at the top of his lungs that which you would spend a lifetime opposing at the top of yours." You want to claim this land as the land of the free? Then the symbol of your country cannot just be a flag. The symbol also has to be one of its citizens exercising his right to burn that flag in protest. Now show me that, defend that, celebrate that in your classrooms.

the enduring lesson of 9/11 should be that we are ALL vulnerable.  we all are only given this ONE life.  and we need to focus on what UNITES us, rather than what pulls us apart.  and you have only to watch or listen to ONE MINUTE of this election coverage to realize how very far we have come from 9/11.  we have lost our way.  we dont embrace our differences.  we dont listen to other opinions.  we cannot be swayed from our singular points of view.  we are creating a culture where animosity thrives, and peace is stifled.

i can only use myself as an example...which i hate to do with politics - but hopefully you'll get the point.  i'm anti-organized religion personally but absolutely believe in freedom of religion.  i am absolutely pro-choice politically, but personally pro-life. i believe in small government AND social programs.  i am totally for equal rights across the board...because WHY NOT?  ultimately it doesnt hurt me in any way for you to believe differently than me UNTIL you IMPOSE those beliefs on me.  i'm a total contradiction.  like most people i think.  which is fine....until we let those differences in fundamental beliefs breed hate. how does it enlighten me or help me to bring you down?  to belittle your beliefs?  why cant we agree to disagree?

Matthew 7:1-3

7 Judge not, that ye be not judged.

² For with what judgment ye judge, ye shall be judged: and with what measure ye mete, it shall be measured to you again.

just because i'm not into organized religion, doesnt mean i'm not allowed to quote the bible....and just because i quote the bible, it doesnt make me religious.  you cant label me.  i mean, you CAN.  but you would be wrong.  i'm not any ONE thing.  no one is.  and until we stop trying to label one another, we will continue to struggle. 

lets hope (or pray if that's your thing) that it does not take another 9/11 to make us come to our senses as a nation.  because the one thing i know for certain is that every single person that lost a loved one that day would give ANYTHING to have them back - regardless of where they stood on anything.  its not the politics that count...its the PEOPLE.  and we need to remember those people every single day.  reach for them when we want to say a harsh word, or criticize someone elses beliefs.  reach for love. not hate.

"If the people we love are stolen from us, the way to have them live on is to never stop loving them"

puppy love

fate is a funny funny thing.....and even through all of my rants and craziness, i have a fairly deep seated belief that things happen for a reason.  or dont happen, such as it is.  along with all of those others happy happy cliches like when one door closes another one opens.  i feel like "why not" believe it....it certainly cant hurt, right?  and its along those lines that we ended up the happy FOSTER (you can laugh any time) parents to yet another puppy.  his name is either carlos, broseph or bruno - depending on whether you ask the girls who left him here, jake or the rest of us - but he answers to all of them, so i'm not sure it really matters.  the point here is that, while i was CLEARLY NOT looking for another dog, it seems i have one.  so why not just embrace it?  and really, the funniest part is that this freakin dog ALREADY acts like hes lived here forever.  he follows cooper and lila around - fights for food, jumps on my furniture, drags shoes around and prefers to chew socks over anything else....so he was obviously just waiting for someone to drop him off HERE :)

somehow, somewhere along the line, we became the house of "the more the merrier".....apparently it applies to kids, friends, dinner guests, lax bros, and stray animals.  and i wouldnt have it any other way....altho i think this latest addition pretty much guarantees that my mother will NEVER step foot in this house ever again.  its really all a part of my overall adapt and roll philosophy.....coupled with the firm belief that it is our responsibility to take care of whomever we can.  while i can most definitely be the bitchest chic in town, i also cant honestly think of a time when i wouldnt lend a hand to really anyone who needed it, if it was within my power to help.  and i think i'm just like all of you out there.  now i know that a lot of people arent "animal" people.....so maybe the whole pet rescue thing doesnt apply.  but here at casa bayer, we are apparently equal opportunity elves.  and in just the last couple of days, the antics of the 3 dogs have made me laugh more than i can remember recently (aside from when i related the whole slamming of my finger in the door story to my sister....who probably peed herself laughing).....and this levity has come at a time when i really need it.  its hard to stay mad when you are trying to chaperone 3 dogs, especially when one weighs 130 lbs, one weighs 40 lbs and the third weighs 5 lbs.  its like having my very own travelling circus -since all 3 follow me around and jockey for position at every turn.

i guess the most interesting thing is that bruno just fits.  its like he's always been here.  he is now a part of the bayer borg - he has been assimilated and will now become a part of the continuing chaos.  we certainly didnt (and dont) have to keep him.  but we can.  and i think thats a good enough reason to at this point.  so it means i'm going to be 5 minutes LATER than i always am, and that there will be a bit more dog hair in the house.  and that we will now have to listen to 3 different incessant barks when people walk, jog, stroll by.  but none of those reasons outweigh the fact that he just makes everyone smile.  and right now, anything that brings a smile gets to stay :)

the ugly, the bad and the good

i should have known when i slammed my own finger in the sliding glass door at 6:15 this morning that it was going to be a really really long day......unfortunately, i think i blocked it out because it actually hurt enough to make my eyes water....AWESOME good morning to me present.  and it just never got better....although it had real potential.

by now you all know about my love for and slight obsession with sports.  its a vital and integral part of my entire family's personality.  and for the most part, sports are a true joy, in all senses of the word.  HOWEVER, today was a glaring example of what i feel are the worst trends in sports today......let me apologize in advance for the rant.

Affirmation without discipline is the beginning of delusion. Jim Rohn

today was the first day of fall lacrosse.  i really wont go into too many specifics, but suffice it to say within the first 6 minutes of the "varsity" game today, ONE SINGLE PLAYER was given 3 penalties for slashing and called the ref an "old fucking geezer" IN FRONT OF THE SIDELINE FULL OF PARENTS!  he went on to threaten to take out jakes other knee, jab a defender in the stomach, and slash another player so hard he may have broken his thumb through the gloves.  he made extremely derogatory remarks, again in front of the parents, about the team, the school they represented and individual players.  you want to know the best part?  his coaches (who were admittedly young) HIGH FIVED him every time he came off the field.  oh and he has a scholarship to play D1 lacrosse already.  so this SHINING EXAMPLE of class and sportsmanship will be the recipient of a free education, when what he really deserves at the very least is a good swift kick in the ass.  and dont get me started on his parents.  WHERE do these kids get such a sense of entitlement??  lets see - they are recruited as sophomores, and taught that because they "excel" at a sport, they no longer have to be decent people.  they are ABOVE the rest of the crowd.  they get special treatments and their coaches and parents make special allowances for them....again, all because they can play a game better than their peers.  THIS is whats wrong with our society today.  that kids parents should not only have to pay for his education - he should have to START OVER - because clearly the only lesson we are really taught in kindergarten (you know - the golden rule) never really sank in for him.

and then there is dematha.....the highly touted CATHOLIC high school renowned for their sports.  they travelled out of state for a football game and at least 5 of their players HIRED PROSTITUTES and snuck them into their hotel room after last bed check.  im not even sure WHERE to start with that except to say what kind of high school kids think not only that its OKAY to higher hookers, but that they wont be caught???  the best part?  the  PARENT of one of the kids in trouble was PISSED because the CHAPERONES weren't doing their jobs...... the chaperones????  how about the PARENTS???  it truly worries me that we are creating a generation of kids who truly believe that ALL BAD BEHAVIOR will be excused for those who are superior athletes.....and why wouldnt they?  we revere our athletes and scorn our teachers.  we excuse our children rather than discipline them.  its truly truly frightening.

 "Do you know what my favorite part of the game is? The opportunity to play."  Mike Singletary
jump ahead a few hours and now its MY turn.  we are in the playoffs for our softball league.  and when i say the FANS at this game tonight were obnoxious, i mean if i had an uzi they'd all be dead obnoxious.  i'm used to a certain amount of heckling...which in and of itself is RIDICULOUS in an adult softball league (but that's another stupid story).  but today was really beyond even my cynical imagining.  and i guess after the jackass kids performance in the morning, i was just out of any kind of patience.  i dont understand when sports STOPPED being about just playing the game, and became a venue for "us against them".  it was truly hateful.  and its supposed to be FUN!!!  if you are paying me to play, then i GUESS to some degree handling the bullshit craziness of the fans is a part of the JOB....but this is supposed to be RELAXING for those of us out there playing for reasons other than cash......love of the game, even!  i just want to know when sports became the end all be all in how we judge our kids and each other.  if you need to yell, try to scare and intimidate, and generally make a scene in order for your team to win, then seriously you should stop playing.  or coaching.  or spectating.  because clearly you have lost any and all perspective you have on what is important in life.....if you ever even knew in the first place.

the flip side of all of this horrible behavior?? all of the amazing examples of great sports, great games, amazing kids who do their level best to set a good example - as athletes and as people.  you have the guys who participate in a homerun derby for the wounded warrior project, and who are honored by the presence of those soldiers.  you have the kids who show up at the football game sporting painted chests, just to be there for their friends.  you have the hundreds of over35 players who showed up to play this weekend, just so freakin happy to still be playing!  and then you have the 200 people who showed up at the youth lacrosse day today - to try the sport for the first time, or help out, or support their kids.  it truly made me wonder when the slippery slope starts its slide.....these kids today were just happy to be there.  for the most part.  i'm pretty sure that one or two of the older ones have already started hearing that they are better than this.  that they deserve more.  that they should go play someplace better.  because its no longer about the love of the game. its about us vs them.  and its a damn shame. 

i wish there was a way to bottle good sportsmanship.  i wish there was a rational way to explain to my 17 year old that being a good person and a great student will result in him having student loans,  while a derelict with a great lax shot will have his choice of higher education. not that the education will do him any good.  i know part of the lesson is always that life isnt fair.  but at what point will we start to say enough is enough?  it IS more important that you at least attempt to be a good person.  that you excel in SCHOOL.  that you treat others with respect. 

i am so DISAPPOINTED today.  i really feel like today was a tipping point for me....where i'm really really close to losing all respect for and hope in sports as an institution.  where i have always believed you learned so many great life lessons on the field, for the first time i also feel like now kids are being taught so many detrimental lessons.  and that my friends is how i know i am officially an old fucking geezer.

boys are crazy

i admit that there are a ton of things i dont understand about boys....but tonight i was witness to probably my top 2.  which is saying something, considering i live with 4 boys.  lets just start with the whole sense of humor thing...AND how very very very different generally boys and girls senses of humor are.  now picture all of us sitting somewhere between 2 rooms....in those 2 rooms are 2 fairly large tvs, 2 laptops and a mac....but OBVIOUSLY the best place for 4 people to watch you tube videos is on kris' phone.  which they did....for like 20 minutes.....laughing hysterically.....at what, you ask?  family feud's biggest fails (name an animal with 3 letters in its name?  FROG.....ALLIGATOR???).  not that it wasn't funny.  it was.  maybe not quite as funny as they all seemed to think.  but here's my question?  WHY the PHONE??  and WHY during the football game that they are insisting i watch??  i'm pretty sure we all would have enjoyed it more on a bigger screen, and without kris yelling in between each answer at the tv.  maybe its just me.  and while i definitely appreciate that all of the boys were sitting here laughing at the same time, it just makes me wonder WHAT in the HELL are they DOING???

and of course tonight is football night.....let me prefice this little rant with i am a huge fan....not a stupid jersey owning facebook posting fan, but i enjoy the sport and usually like watching the games.  i've been a redskin fan thru good times and bad, starting back in the riggo days when sports were fun to watch and our teams were consistent (but that's for another time)....my husband is a cowboys fan - and i'm not sure how that happens to a kid from upstate ny, but there you go.  so my house is one divided....2 cowboy fans and 2 skins and 1 chargers fan (dont ask).....the thing that makes this so CONFUSING to me is the onset of FANTASY FOOTBALL.

here we are watching the cowboys/giants.....picture my husband and son, both SERIOUS - and i mean sitting here yelling at the tv serious - cowboys fans.....BUT they have the giants running back on their fantasy team.  here begins the dilemma.  romo throws an interception....kris starts yelling.  giants get the ball at the 3 - he starts chanting "give the ball to bradshaw"(the giants running back)....and then when the cowboys stop him, he's jumping up and down.  it's like sitting next to a schizophrenic toddler.  this is definitely one of those when i feel like i live on a different planet.  i want to say - can't we just watch the damn game?? and what's more important??  do you want your "team" to win??  or do you want more points for your fantasy team??  there's no loyalty i tell you...none :)   and whats more, they yell at ME when i put on the DNC convention DURING COMMERCIALS.   god forbid i attempt to stay informed and possibly open-minded!!  its football season after all....why should anyone care what else is happening in the world??  who cares about a pesky election??  it boggles the mind.  AND I'M a FAN!!  i can only imagine what those women out there who truly dont like sports think about football season.  THOSE houses can't be a whole lot of fun.

i guess the other side of the spectrum are the lovely ladies who participate in fantasy football.....i think maybe next year that's the best option....then i will have a reason to yell at the tv every week, and insist on changing the channels every 6 seconds so i can monitor my scores.  anybody else want in, just let me know :)  otherwise i may just have to start hiding all of the remotes......and see how much yelling at the tv i can make happen that way :)

let teddy win

after quite a few fits and starts lately, i'm actually starting to TRY to get a hold of myself.  because not only do i realize that i'm quite lucky, i'm really beginning to understand that even more important than me being able to cope with all the craziness, my kids may actually GET IT.  and THAT is worth all of this internal (and external) mental strife.  and i am seriously just coming to understand that by NOT trying to keep this all bottled up, my kids are gaining some perspective as well.

jake sent me this picture by text the other day....you know - the day last week when i was on the verge of losing my shit yet again.  and i hope its one we will send back and forth from now until the end of time....because ultimately HAPPY is everyone's goal.  i need the reminder when i stress about work and balance....and he needs the reminder as he weighs his options for next year.  it all seems so monumental in one moment....and then in the next, something else comes along to show us that in the grand scheme of things, its just another thing to be dealt with.

and aside from the rash of nervous breakdown type behavior - i generally do have a pretty good eye on the prize.  i just need a reminder now and then.  my grandfather is 89.  and he is very very close to the end of the line.  he's the guy growing up that always said stuff like "dont jump in the pool....the water will splash out"...but he's also one of the neatest men i know.  he was in the original class of navy frogmen, and a dc fireman.  he's been retired my whole life, and if i do say so myself, i have always been his favorite.  he was always this incredibly robust man that had a full gray beard and looked like santa.  he still wears suspenders every single day.  and while they used to keep his pants up, they now keep them from falling down. he is literally wasting away.  and its so so sad.  and the worst part is that i havent spent nearly enough time with him in the past few years.  the boys got bigger, we got busier, he got more forgetful and less mobile, and time just seemed to tick away.  so when we went to see him yesterday, it just brought it all home that you just can't take life for granted.  pappy has had a wonderful life. crazy at times. but long and full of people who love him.  i hope he remembers that.  and i'm sorry i havent done a better job of letting him know that recently.  and for now, its still not too late.

so then there's my pop....who is the same figure to my boys as pappy was to me.  that guy that's always there.  he comes to the games and drops by the house unexpectedly.  and of course as teenagers, the boys think "oh, its just pop".  because he's always around.  but one day, he wont be.  and it wont be the same.  now my dad, he's  passionate about baseball.  he's the one who coached jake on his first travel team and who comes over every day to update us on the nationals.  not that anyone in this house watches baseball, but we love it for pop.  and yesterday, as we were all leaving pappy's house, he asked if anyone wanted to go to the game with him today....and jake jumped up and said "i do".  and you all KNOW that jake does NOT like baseball.  but he gets it.  and i'm so so glad.  because THAT makes all this ridiculous inner turmoil worth it.if my being a basketcase is making my boys pay more attention, then all i can say is GOOD!

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."~-Brad Henry ~

so today is good day.  actually its a great day.  none of the othe ridiculousness that stresses me has gone away. but today it doesnt matter.  and if i keep my head screwed on straight, tomorrow it wont matter either.  because what really matters...what SHOULD matter....is that we are moving in the right direction together.  and even if we aren't, we are still together.  and THAT is what matters most of all.

we are....

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.”

Ryunosuke Satoro quotes

interestingly enough, i had the opportunity this weekend to reconnect with an incredible group of people that i went to school with....and it was such an amazing time, on several fronts.  and in terms of how i think about things, it just really reminded me that we are all a part of something bigger....usually lots of somethings.....after all, its our "groups" that help identify us.  its our relationships that help make us who we are.  and who we are is so much bigger than just our individual identities. in a crazy circular kind of way, we are ALL penn state.

now i know that sounds crazy, but hear me out.  in a larger sense, penn state is an institution of higher learning, at the center of an incredibly devisive controversy, wrapped in an historic athletic tradition. whether you are a football fan or not, chances are you have heard of joe paterno or the nittany lions somewhere along the way.  and the thread that runs thru that campus is the chant "we are......penn state" - you can't go anywhere that someone doesnt yell "we are" - and whoever is around yells "penn state".  on one level its a really cool tradition....but on a deeper level, its a philosophy - that each member is a part of the whole that makes penn state who they are.....and it takes each member to fully define the organization.  the fact that the horrible actions of the few have had such a negative impact on the community is in itself a tragedy, but it has also created the renewed opportunity to redefine what "we are" means. 

and what we are is so much more than one person.  that fact that billy obrien was named head coach at psu is what brought us all to the school the weekend. and obviously there is a spotlight on him - and incredible pressure - but even obie is NOT penn state...he is a part of the WE that will determine how that community grows and evolves.  and its pretty obvious from the picture, that he is bringing an awful lot of the good ole brown community with him.....this is where the WE in we are comes out.....

each person that makes up the community at large brings their own community with them.  and their own groups and experiences.  obie brings with him not only all of his football experience, but his family and friends and traditions....and all of the things that each of THOSE experiences meant to him.....penn state now has a whole lot of new england in it - from the accents down to the support system that followed obie from his home state and his alma mater.  and it follows that ALL of us that knew obie at brown brought our own experiences THERE....college is at its heart a giant mixing bowl where people from all walks and backgrounds are thrown together into one place in time.  they all take away different experiences and leave different parts of themselves behind.  but its another community that they will forever belong to.

before college, its high school and where you grow up that helps to shape you......i will always be a laplata warrior in my heart, just like i will always a brown bear. but even more than that i will always have my roots in southern maryland.....its those roots that define you from the beginning - and when you TAKE those pieces of yourself as you travel through your life, you are sharing parts of yourself that then become part of the larger "whole".....its the quirky small things (like the 10oz bud light that i took to the tailgate) and the larger cultural differences (ya'll) that both define where we are from, but also enlighten and broaden the base of the community.

ultimately this whole thing starts at home.....how i was raised, the rules my parents set up, how i was praised and rewarded - their expectations and my experiences are what initially shaped the woman i would become.  and THEIR experiences shaped the kind of parents that they would be.   its a neverending cycle that links us all.  its how a first generation college graduate from a middle class family in southern maryland would grow up to be friends with a legacy brown guy who would go on to take the reins at penn state.  its the common thread of all of our lives that brings us to the table of commonality. 

just like the feedback i've received this year has reminded me, we are all going through the same things - of course to varying degrees - but we are all just trying to be good people...raise good kids....make a  positive contribution to society....and to just be happy.

we are all mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, co-workers, teammates, alumni
we are all hard workers, support systems, community members
we are all hoping for the best, preparing for the future, making the most of every day.

WE ARE