puppy love

fate is a funny funny thing.....and even through all of my rants and craziness, i have a fairly deep seated belief that things happen for a reason.  or dont happen, such as it is.  along with all of those others happy happy cliches like when one door closes another one opens.  i feel like "why not" believe it....it certainly cant hurt, right?  and its along those lines that we ended up the happy FOSTER (you can laugh any time) parents to yet another puppy.  his name is either carlos, broseph or bruno - depending on whether you ask the girls who left him here, jake or the rest of us - but he answers to all of them, so i'm not sure it really matters.  the point here is that, while i was CLEARLY NOT looking for another dog, it seems i have one.  so why not just embrace it?  and really, the funniest part is that this freakin dog ALREADY acts like hes lived here forever.  he follows cooper and lila around - fights for food, jumps on my furniture, drags shoes around and prefers to chew socks over anything else....so he was obviously just waiting for someone to drop him off HERE :)

somehow, somewhere along the line, we became the house of "the more the merrier".....apparently it applies to kids, friends, dinner guests, lax bros, and stray animals.  and i wouldnt have it any other way....altho i think this latest addition pretty much guarantees that my mother will NEVER step foot in this house ever again.  its really all a part of my overall adapt and roll philosophy.....coupled with the firm belief that it is our responsibility to take care of whomever we can.  while i can most definitely be the bitchest chic in town, i also cant honestly think of a time when i wouldnt lend a hand to really anyone who needed it, if it was within my power to help.  and i think i'm just like all of you out there.  now i know that a lot of people arent "animal" people.....so maybe the whole pet rescue thing doesnt apply.  but here at casa bayer, we are apparently equal opportunity elves.  and in just the last couple of days, the antics of the 3 dogs have made me laugh more than i can remember recently (aside from when i related the whole slamming of my finger in the door story to my sister....who probably peed herself laughing).....and this levity has come at a time when i really need it.  its hard to stay mad when you are trying to chaperone 3 dogs, especially when one weighs 130 lbs, one weighs 40 lbs and the third weighs 5 lbs.  its like having my very own travelling circus -since all 3 follow me around and jockey for position at every turn.

i guess the most interesting thing is that bruno just fits.  its like he's always been here.  he is now a part of the bayer borg - he has been assimilated and will now become a part of the continuing chaos.  we certainly didnt (and dont) have to keep him.  but we can.  and i think thats a good enough reason to at this point.  so it means i'm going to be 5 minutes LATER than i always am, and that there will be a bit more dog hair in the house.  and that we will now have to listen to 3 different incessant barks when people walk, jog, stroll by.  but none of those reasons outweigh the fact that he just makes everyone smile.  and right now, anything that brings a smile gets to stay :)

the ugly, the bad and the good

i should have known when i slammed my own finger in the sliding glass door at 6:15 this morning that it was going to be a really really long day......unfortunately, i think i blocked it out because it actually hurt enough to make my eyes water....AWESOME good morning to me present.  and it just never got better....although it had real potential.

by now you all know about my love for and slight obsession with sports.  its a vital and integral part of my entire family's personality.  and for the most part, sports are a true joy, in all senses of the word.  HOWEVER, today was a glaring example of what i feel are the worst trends in sports today......let me apologize in advance for the rant.

Affirmation without discipline is the beginning of delusion. Jim Rohn

today was the first day of fall lacrosse.  i really wont go into too many specifics, but suffice it to say within the first 6 minutes of the "varsity" game today, ONE SINGLE PLAYER was given 3 penalties for slashing and called the ref an "old fucking geezer" IN FRONT OF THE SIDELINE FULL OF PARENTS!  he went on to threaten to take out jakes other knee, jab a defender in the stomach, and slash another player so hard he may have broken his thumb through the gloves.  he made extremely derogatory remarks, again in front of the parents, about the team, the school they represented and individual players.  you want to know the best part?  his coaches (who were admittedly young) HIGH FIVED him every time he came off the field.  oh and he has a scholarship to play D1 lacrosse already.  so this SHINING EXAMPLE of class and sportsmanship will be the recipient of a free education, when what he really deserves at the very least is a good swift kick in the ass.  and dont get me started on his parents.  WHERE do these kids get such a sense of entitlement??  lets see - they are recruited as sophomores, and taught that because they "excel" at a sport, they no longer have to be decent people.  they are ABOVE the rest of the crowd.  they get special treatments and their coaches and parents make special allowances for them....again, all because they can play a game better than their peers.  THIS is whats wrong with our society today.  that kids parents should not only have to pay for his education - he should have to START OVER - because clearly the only lesson we are really taught in kindergarten (you know - the golden rule) never really sank in for him.

and then there is dematha.....the highly touted CATHOLIC high school renowned for their sports.  they travelled out of state for a football game and at least 5 of their players HIRED PROSTITUTES and snuck them into their hotel room after last bed check.  im not even sure WHERE to start with that except to say what kind of high school kids think not only that its OKAY to higher hookers, but that they wont be caught???  the best part?  the  PARENT of one of the kids in trouble was PISSED because the CHAPERONES weren't doing their jobs...... the chaperones????  how about the PARENTS???  it truly worries me that we are creating a generation of kids who truly believe that ALL BAD BEHAVIOR will be excused for those who are superior athletes.....and why wouldnt they?  we revere our athletes and scorn our teachers.  we excuse our children rather than discipline them.  its truly truly frightening.

 "Do you know what my favorite part of the game is? The opportunity to play."  Mike Singletary
jump ahead a few hours and now its MY turn.  we are in the playoffs for our softball league.  and when i say the FANS at this game tonight were obnoxious, i mean if i had an uzi they'd all be dead obnoxious.  i'm used to a certain amount of heckling...which in and of itself is RIDICULOUS in an adult softball league (but that's another stupid story).  but today was really beyond even my cynical imagining.  and i guess after the jackass kids performance in the morning, i was just out of any kind of patience.  i dont understand when sports STOPPED being about just playing the game, and became a venue for "us against them".  it was truly hateful.  and its supposed to be FUN!!!  if you are paying me to play, then i GUESS to some degree handling the bullshit craziness of the fans is a part of the JOB....but this is supposed to be RELAXING for those of us out there playing for reasons other than cash......love of the game, even!  i just want to know when sports became the end all be all in how we judge our kids and each other.  if you need to yell, try to scare and intimidate, and generally make a scene in order for your team to win, then seriously you should stop playing.  or coaching.  or spectating.  because clearly you have lost any and all perspective you have on what is important in life.....if you ever even knew in the first place.

the flip side of all of this horrible behavior?? all of the amazing examples of great sports, great games, amazing kids who do their level best to set a good example - as athletes and as people.  you have the guys who participate in a homerun derby for the wounded warrior project, and who are honored by the presence of those soldiers.  you have the kids who show up at the football game sporting painted chests, just to be there for their friends.  you have the hundreds of over35 players who showed up to play this weekend, just so freakin happy to still be playing!  and then you have the 200 people who showed up at the youth lacrosse day today - to try the sport for the first time, or help out, or support their kids.  it truly made me wonder when the slippery slope starts its slide.....these kids today were just happy to be there.  for the most part.  i'm pretty sure that one or two of the older ones have already started hearing that they are better than this.  that they deserve more.  that they should go play someplace better.  because its no longer about the love of the game. its about us vs them.  and its a damn shame. 

i wish there was a way to bottle good sportsmanship.  i wish there was a rational way to explain to my 17 year old that being a good person and a great student will result in him having student loans,  while a derelict with a great lax shot will have his choice of higher education. not that the education will do him any good.  i know part of the lesson is always that life isnt fair.  but at what point will we start to say enough is enough?  it IS more important that you at least attempt to be a good person.  that you excel in SCHOOL.  that you treat others with respect. 

i am so DISAPPOINTED today.  i really feel like today was a tipping point for me....where i'm really really close to losing all respect for and hope in sports as an institution.  where i have always believed you learned so many great life lessons on the field, for the first time i also feel like now kids are being taught so many detrimental lessons.  and that my friends is how i know i am officially an old fucking geezer.

boys are crazy

i admit that there are a ton of things i dont understand about boys....but tonight i was witness to probably my top 2.  which is saying something, considering i live with 4 boys.  lets just start with the whole sense of humor thing...AND how very very very different generally boys and girls senses of humor are.  now picture all of us sitting somewhere between 2 rooms....in those 2 rooms are 2 fairly large tvs, 2 laptops and a mac....but OBVIOUSLY the best place for 4 people to watch you tube videos is on kris' phone.  which they did....for like 20 minutes.....laughing hysterically.....at what, you ask?  family feud's biggest fails (name an animal with 3 letters in its name?  FROG.....ALLIGATOR???).  not that it wasn't funny.  it was.  maybe not quite as funny as they all seemed to think.  but here's my question?  WHY the PHONE??  and WHY during the football game that they are insisting i watch??  i'm pretty sure we all would have enjoyed it more on a bigger screen, and without kris yelling in between each answer at the tv.  maybe its just me.  and while i definitely appreciate that all of the boys were sitting here laughing at the same time, it just makes me wonder WHAT in the HELL are they DOING???

and of course tonight is football night.....let me prefice this little rant with i am a huge fan....not a stupid jersey owning facebook posting fan, but i enjoy the sport and usually like watching the games.  i've been a redskin fan thru good times and bad, starting back in the riggo days when sports were fun to watch and our teams were consistent (but that's for another time)....my husband is a cowboys fan - and i'm not sure how that happens to a kid from upstate ny, but there you go.  so my house is one divided....2 cowboy fans and 2 skins and 1 chargers fan (dont ask).....the thing that makes this so CONFUSING to me is the onset of FANTASY FOOTBALL.

here we are watching the cowboys/giants.....picture my husband and son, both SERIOUS - and i mean sitting here yelling at the tv serious - cowboys fans.....BUT they have the giants running back on their fantasy team.  here begins the dilemma.  romo throws an interception....kris starts yelling.  giants get the ball at the 3 - he starts chanting "give the ball to bradshaw"(the giants running back)....and then when the cowboys stop him, he's jumping up and down.  it's like sitting next to a schizophrenic toddler.  this is definitely one of those when i feel like i live on a different planet.  i want to say - can't we just watch the damn game?? and what's more important??  do you want your "team" to win??  or do you want more points for your fantasy team??  there's no loyalty i tell you...none :)   and whats more, they yell at ME when i put on the DNC convention DURING COMMERCIALS.   god forbid i attempt to stay informed and possibly open-minded!!  its football season after all....why should anyone care what else is happening in the world??  who cares about a pesky election??  it boggles the mind.  AND I'M a FAN!!  i can only imagine what those women out there who truly dont like sports think about football season.  THOSE houses can't be a whole lot of fun.

i guess the other side of the spectrum are the lovely ladies who participate in fantasy football.....i think maybe next year that's the best option....then i will have a reason to yell at the tv every week, and insist on changing the channels every 6 seconds so i can monitor my scores.  anybody else want in, just let me know :)  otherwise i may just have to start hiding all of the remotes......and see how much yelling at the tv i can make happen that way :)

let teddy win

after quite a few fits and starts lately, i'm actually starting to TRY to get a hold of myself.  because not only do i realize that i'm quite lucky, i'm really beginning to understand that even more important than me being able to cope with all the craziness, my kids may actually GET IT.  and THAT is worth all of this internal (and external) mental strife.  and i am seriously just coming to understand that by NOT trying to keep this all bottled up, my kids are gaining some perspective as well.

jake sent me this picture by text the other day....you know - the day last week when i was on the verge of losing my shit yet again.  and i hope its one we will send back and forth from now until the end of time....because ultimately HAPPY is everyone's goal.  i need the reminder when i stress about work and balance....and he needs the reminder as he weighs his options for next year.  it all seems so monumental in one moment....and then in the next, something else comes along to show us that in the grand scheme of things, its just another thing to be dealt with.

and aside from the rash of nervous breakdown type behavior - i generally do have a pretty good eye on the prize.  i just need a reminder now and then.  my grandfather is 89.  and he is very very close to the end of the line.  he's the guy growing up that always said stuff like "dont jump in the pool....the water will splash out"...but he's also one of the neatest men i know.  he was in the original class of navy frogmen, and a dc fireman.  he's been retired my whole life, and if i do say so myself, i have always been his favorite.  he was always this incredibly robust man that had a full gray beard and looked like santa.  he still wears suspenders every single day.  and while they used to keep his pants up, they now keep them from falling down. he is literally wasting away.  and its so so sad.  and the worst part is that i havent spent nearly enough time with him in the past few years.  the boys got bigger, we got busier, he got more forgetful and less mobile, and time just seemed to tick away.  so when we went to see him yesterday, it just brought it all home that you just can't take life for granted.  pappy has had a wonderful life. crazy at times. but long and full of people who love him.  i hope he remembers that.  and i'm sorry i havent done a better job of letting him know that recently.  and for now, its still not too late.

so then there's my pop....who is the same figure to my boys as pappy was to me.  that guy that's always there.  he comes to the games and drops by the house unexpectedly.  and of course as teenagers, the boys think "oh, its just pop".  because he's always around.  but one day, he wont be.  and it wont be the same.  now my dad, he's  passionate about baseball.  he's the one who coached jake on his first travel team and who comes over every day to update us on the nationals.  not that anyone in this house watches baseball, but we love it for pop.  and yesterday, as we were all leaving pappy's house, he asked if anyone wanted to go to the game with him today....and jake jumped up and said "i do".  and you all KNOW that jake does NOT like baseball.  but he gets it.  and i'm so so glad.  because THAT makes all this ridiculous inner turmoil worth it.if my being a basketcase is making my boys pay more attention, then all i can say is GOOD!

"Families are the compass that guide us. They are the inspiration to reach great heights, and our comfort when we occasionally falter."~-Brad Henry ~

so today is good day.  actually its a great day.  none of the othe ridiculousness that stresses me has gone away. but today it doesnt matter.  and if i keep my head screwed on straight, tomorrow it wont matter either.  because what really matters...what SHOULD matter....is that we are moving in the right direction together.  and even if we aren't, we are still together.  and THAT is what matters most of all.

we are....

“Individually, we are one drop. Together, we are an ocean.”

Ryunosuke Satoro quotes

interestingly enough, i had the opportunity this weekend to reconnect with an incredible group of people that i went to school with....and it was such an amazing time, on several fronts.  and in terms of how i think about things, it just really reminded me that we are all a part of something bigger....usually lots of somethings.....after all, its our "groups" that help identify us.  its our relationships that help make us who we are.  and who we are is so much bigger than just our individual identities. in a crazy circular kind of way, we are ALL penn state.

now i know that sounds crazy, but hear me out.  in a larger sense, penn state is an institution of higher learning, at the center of an incredibly devisive controversy, wrapped in an historic athletic tradition. whether you are a football fan or not, chances are you have heard of joe paterno or the nittany lions somewhere along the way.  and the thread that runs thru that campus is the chant "we are......penn state" - you can't go anywhere that someone doesnt yell "we are" - and whoever is around yells "penn state".  on one level its a really cool tradition....but on a deeper level, its a philosophy - that each member is a part of the whole that makes penn state who they are.....and it takes each member to fully define the organization.  the fact that the horrible actions of the few have had such a negative impact on the community is in itself a tragedy, but it has also created the renewed opportunity to redefine what "we are" means. 

and what we are is so much more than one person.  that fact that billy obrien was named head coach at psu is what brought us all to the school the weekend. and obviously there is a spotlight on him - and incredible pressure - but even obie is NOT penn state...he is a part of the WE that will determine how that community grows and evolves.  and its pretty obvious from the picture, that he is bringing an awful lot of the good ole brown community with him.....this is where the WE in we are comes out.....

each person that makes up the community at large brings their own community with them.  and their own groups and experiences.  obie brings with him not only all of his football experience, but his family and friends and traditions....and all of the things that each of THOSE experiences meant to him.....penn state now has a whole lot of new england in it - from the accents down to the support system that followed obie from his home state and his alma mater.  and it follows that ALL of us that knew obie at brown brought our own experiences THERE....college is at its heart a giant mixing bowl where people from all walks and backgrounds are thrown together into one place in time.  they all take away different experiences and leave different parts of themselves behind.  but its another community that they will forever belong to.

before college, its high school and where you grow up that helps to shape you......i will always be a laplata warrior in my heart, just like i will always a brown bear. but even more than that i will always have my roots in southern maryland.....its those roots that define you from the beginning - and when you TAKE those pieces of yourself as you travel through your life, you are sharing parts of yourself that then become part of the larger "whole".....its the quirky small things (like the 10oz bud light that i took to the tailgate) and the larger cultural differences (ya'll) that both define where we are from, but also enlighten and broaden the base of the community.

ultimately this whole thing starts at home.....how i was raised, the rules my parents set up, how i was praised and rewarded - their expectations and my experiences are what initially shaped the woman i would become.  and THEIR experiences shaped the kind of parents that they would be.   its a neverending cycle that links us all.  its how a first generation college graduate from a middle class family in southern maryland would grow up to be friends with a legacy brown guy who would go on to take the reins at penn state.  its the common thread of all of our lives that brings us to the table of commonality. 

just like the feedback i've received this year has reminded me, we are all going through the same things - of course to varying degrees - but we are all just trying to be good people...raise good kids....make a  positive contribution to society....and to just be happy.

we are all mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, friends, co-workers, teammates, alumni
we are all hard workers, support systems, community members
we are all hoping for the best, preparing for the future, making the most of every day.

WE ARE

a test, wrapped in a reminder

The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.  ~David Russell
right before i stopped writing the blog this summer, it had taken a bit of a negative turn....which basically reflected my place at that time....as always, i'm trying to be honest about my feelings, my situation and emotions as i write....but one of my best friends sent a reminder to me that she felt i had gotten away from the "spiritual quest" part of my soul-searching.  and i have to admit that she's right.  you see i generally attack all of my new endeavors with drive and enthusiasm.....but at some point it always always wanes.  and i think because i had broken down the "spiritual" part to my reading, i let go of it when the politics side picked up.  which is silly, but true.  i have a very very difficult time compartmentalizing - if i'm unhappy or annoyed about one thing, then you can be damn sure im unhappy or annoyed about everything.  its the one underlying quality about myself that has never changed.  and once i hit an intellectual or emotional roadblock with something, then literally i'm just OUT....done....finished.  i will eventually revist it - whatever it happens to be - but once i've written a subject off in my mind, its doesnt have long for the world....or at least my little corner of it.

so as it relates to my burying my head in the sand, this is NOT a good combination.  and today was particularly not a great day....i feel like i am stuck in a cycle of indecision and inactivity, because i really truly can not make a choice that i should have made a while ago.  actually, i'm sure that's true about more than one choice, but its absolutely true about work.

"You've got to follow your passion.  You've got to figure out what it is you love--who you really are.  And have the courage to do that.  I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dream." ophrah winfrey

at the heart of it all, i consider myself a pragmatist.  i almost always make the practical decision....which usually puts me right where i want to be.  but not always.  and i'm afraid this is one of those times....do i step out on a limb financially, in a very scary and important financial time for my family??  until now, the answer has been no.   and maybe it will still be after all is said and done.  i dont know whether or not its just my age, or maybe the  years i've been doing unsatisfying work, or my situation in life....but i just dont seem to be able to embrace the practical choice anymore....i'm still making it, but not with the ease i used to.

back in the day when i was waiting tables with my ivy league degree, because the money was great and the hours enabled me to stay home with my kids - it was much much easier to embrace the practicality.  did i have to listen to an assload of "WHY are YOU waiting tables?"  yes, i did. but it was okay, because the ultimate goal at that time was to BE HOME - and be the best mom i could.....work was totally secondary.  work was to make enough money to live.  PERIOD.  i never in a million years thought that 17 years later, i would still be fighting with myself over - of all things - work.  that's not to say i didnt have any ambition when i was younger....i did - i double majored and everything.....but life threw me a happy curve and i embraced it - that's what i do.  each new phase of the kids life, i adapted.....i almost always worked one or two part-time gigs - balancing just enough money with time spent away - at least in my head.  i've always had at least 2 things going - always had a backup plan - but ultimately each time i've had to make a decision to change, it was about the KIDS - their schedules, their needs.  but now, the decision i'm facing is about ME....and i'm paralyzed.

Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

as crazy as this sounds, and as hard as it is to admit at this stage of the game, i dont really have any professional goals.  i have personal goals of course, but my professional goal was always to be raise good kids....work was just a  means to an end.  i feel like i gave up the "professional" option when i opted all those years ago to stay home....and yet, now that the kids are mostly grown, i feel like i'm supposed to have some or get some inspiration as it relates to a career.  i have always been mentally a stay at home mom- even though i physically havent - if that makes any sense.  somehow i have always managed to get my kids on an off the bus, help with school work, go on field trips and still put in the time to work.  until very recently.  and i hate it. with a passion. and if i havent mentioned before, it paralyzes me.  its creating a great big giant black hole of unhappiness and indecision.  i feel like a 2 year old stomping her feet, screaming "but i dont WANT to work". which is crazy.  i dont mind work.  i just dont want a career.  or more specifically i dont want to decide at 40 what i want my career to be.  but i have to.  that's where i am today...right this minute.

so maybe the fact that i let the faith part fall away from the quest has all been a part of the test i'm taking....and its clearly the part that i'm failing.  i feel like i keep getting all of these cosmic reminders that life is short....and rather than take them in and use them - i'm just ignoring them.  what the hell is wrong with me??

wouldnt it be amazing if we could all just follow our passion - make a gazillion dollars at it and not have to stress about the practicalities of looming college tuition, another teenage driver and bills?  see??? that's negative nelly - not being able to just LET GO and take the leap of faith.  i dont believe everything will work out, just because i want it to.  and for some reason i cant seem to be able to make the pieces to fit the way i want them to. 

so i stay where i am....jogging in place....waiting for the next sign to appear - even though i will probably ignore that one as well.....if i decide to jump, ya'll will be the first ones to know.

my head in the sand

You may delay, but time will not.  ~Benjamin Franklin

its just about that time again, when you all get to listen to me rant and stress and vent...but as my friend michelle pointed out, i started 2 days late.  which is just about how i feel about life right now - i'm at least a day late, and doing my best to keep right on ignoring that fact.

i wont bore you with what we did all summer, i'm just going to jump right back in with both feet by saying that i'm just not ready to be where i am right now.  NOT IN THE LEAST LITTLE BIT......and i keep thinking that if i just don't think about it, or address it, then maybe, just maybe, time will stand still for a little while.  unfortunately that's just not true.  and while i can definitely delude myself for a while, i cant do it forever.  this year is coming whether i want it to or not.  my baby started middle school whether i was ready or not.  i will watch my second kid start to drive....and i will watch my oldest graduate from high school - whether i'm ready or not.  so i guess i better start getting my ass at least a little bit prepared.

so why didn't i start the blog on the first day of school like i said?  because i was IGNORING IT.  i figured that if i didnt start writing about how i was feeling about this year, then maybe i might be able to skate by all these crazy, scary feelings. but no.

so here we go....while intellectually i know that my boys are going to be fine, upstanding young men, who will be able to take care of themselves and make amazing things happen in their lives, i'm not emotionally ready to let them go.  which is CRAZY.....THIS - this moment, this time - is what i have been working toward my ENTIRE ADULT LIFE....i am about to watch my first offspring fly the nest....and start making decisions for himself that will impact HIS future.  is he ready??  absolutely!  am i?  clearly not.  this is one of those times when the rubber meets the road.  has jake learned any of the lessons i've been trying to teach him?  where those lessons the RIGHT lessons to help him as he makes his way?  what will i do when he stumbles?  i just dont know.  but i do know that i have to start paying attention.  if this is the last year we have together as a family, then i need to pull my head out of the sand and EMBRACE it. which is proving to be much more difficult than i thought.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher
what i do know right this minute is that i will never again have 3 kids exactly where they are now....and where they are right now is pretty damn cool.  they are ALL on the cusp of SOMETHING.....adolescence, freedom, independence.....and i get to be here to watch them, guide them and experience it with them.  THAT is what parenting is all about.  am i the same parent today that i was when jake started middle school?  NOPE.  and i often worry that i'm not as good as i once was, or as engaged as used to be.  but ultimately i'm doing the best that i can and THAT is what has stayed consistent over the years.  yes our circumstances have changed over the years, but our ultimate goals and priorities have not.  and hopefully that will be enough....for all three of the boys.  i guess only time will tell. time that i need to start ACKNOWLEDGING :)

the cool thing about right now?  my kids are at the point where they GET IT...or most of it anyway....we are experiencing a pivotal election that will have a real impact on their future - and they will be able to remember it - especially since their mom will be shoving it down their throats most of the time. i GET to talk to them about real issues and challenge them all to THINK about the future...in real and concrete terms....its yet another responsibility and another opportunity to challenge them to BE a part of the conversation, not just a witness to it.

the most interesting conversation i have had in recent memory of course happened this summer.....i am obsessed with the newsroom - which im sure i will touch on at a later date....but in discussing it with jake, i ended up having a very long winded conversation with all of the boys about religion and politics and the role that THEY will play.  i wont bore you with the details but it started with "YOU GUYS are the SMART ones...YOU GUYS are the ones that HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION to whats going on"....and ended with josh saying "i think i need to get more information on martin luther"....which should tell you a little bit about how crazy i am and what i tell my kids.

i guess the moral of the story for me at this moment is that i need to take each day as the gift it is with the boys....and as sad as i am that this is jake's senior year, i'm also so excited for him and all that he has in store.  i just need to start looking FORWARD instead of looking BACK. 

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.  ~Mary Jean Iron