right before i stopped writing the blog this summer, it had taken a bit of a negative turn....which basically reflected my place at that time....as always, i'm trying to be honest about my feelings, my situation and emotions as i write....but one of my best friends sent a reminder to me that she felt i had gotten away from the "spiritual quest" part of my soul-searching. and i have to admit that she's right. you see i generally attack all of my new endeavors with drive and enthusiasm.....but at some point it always always wanes. and i think because i had broken down the "spiritual" part to my reading, i let go of it when the politics side picked up. which is silly, but true. i have a very very difficult time compartmentalizing - if i'm unhappy or annoyed about one thing, then you can be damn sure im unhappy or annoyed about everything. its the one underlying quality about myself that has never changed. and once i hit an intellectual or emotional roadblock with something, then literally i'm just OUT....done....finished. i will eventually revist it - whatever it happens to be - but once i've written a subject off in my mind, its doesnt have long for the world....or at least my little corner of it.
so as it relates to my burying my head in the sand, this is NOT a good combination. and today was particularly not a great day....i feel like i am stuck in a cycle of indecision and inactivity, because i really truly can not make a choice that i should have made a while ago. actually, i'm sure that's true about more than one choice, but its absolutely true about work.
"You've got to follow your passion. You've got to figure out what it is you love--who you really are. And have the courage to do that. I believe that the only courage anybody ever needs is the courage to follow your own dream." ophrah winfrey
at the heart of it all, i consider myself a pragmatist. i almost always make the practical decision....which usually puts me right where i want to be. but not always. and i'm afraid this is one of those times....do i step out on a limb financially, in a very scary and important financial time for my family?? until now, the answer has been no. and maybe it will still be after all is said and done. i dont know whether or not its just my age, or maybe the years i've been doing unsatisfying work, or my situation in life....but i just dont seem to be able to embrace the practical choice anymore....i'm still making it, but not with the ease i used to.
back in the day when i was waiting tables with my ivy league degree, because the money was great and the hours enabled me to stay home with my kids - it was much much easier to embrace the practicality. did i have to listen to an assload of "WHY are YOU waiting tables?" yes, i did. but it was okay, because the ultimate goal at that time was to BE HOME - and be the best mom i could.....work was totally secondary. work was to make enough money to live. PERIOD. i never in a million years thought that 17 years later, i would still be fighting with myself over - of all things - work. that's not to say i didnt have any ambition when i was younger....i did - i double majored and everything.....but life threw me a happy curve and i embraced it - that's what i do. each new phase of the kids life, i adapted.....i almost always worked one or two part-time gigs - balancing just enough money with time spent away - at least in my head. i've always had at least 2 things going - always had a backup plan - but ultimately each time i've had to make a decision to change, it was about the KIDS - their schedules, their needs. but now, the decision i'm facing is about ME....and i'm paralyzed.
Enjoy when you can, and endure when you must. ~Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
as crazy as this sounds, and as hard as it is to admit at this stage of the game, i dont really have any professional goals. i have personal goals of course, but my professional goal was always to be raise good kids....work was just a means to an end. i feel like i gave up the "professional" option when i opted all those years ago to stay home....and yet, now that the kids are mostly grown, i feel like i'm supposed to have some or get some inspiration as it relates to a career. i have always been mentally a stay at home mom- even though i physically havent - if that makes any sense. somehow i have always managed to get my kids on an off the bus, help with school work, go on field trips and still put in the time to work. until very recently. and i hate it. with a passion. and if i havent mentioned before, it paralyzes me. its creating a great big giant black hole of unhappiness and indecision. i feel like a 2 year old stomping her feet, screaming "but i dont WANT to work". which is crazy. i dont mind work. i just dont want a career. or more specifically i dont want to decide at 40 what i want my career to be. but i have to. that's where i am today...right this minute.
wouldnt it be amazing if we could all just follow our passion - make a gazillion dollars at it and not have to stress about the practicalities of looming college tuition, another teenage driver and bills? see??? that's negative nelly - not being able to just LET GO and take the leap of faith. i dont believe everything will work out, just because i want it to. and for some reason i cant seem to be able to make the pieces to fit the way i want them to.
so i stay where i am....jogging in place....waiting for the next sign to appear - even though i will probably ignore that one as well.....if i decide to jump, ya'll will be the first ones to know.
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