my head in the sand

You may delay, but time will not.  ~Benjamin Franklin

its just about that time again, when you all get to listen to me rant and stress and vent...but as my friend michelle pointed out, i started 2 days late.  which is just about how i feel about life right now - i'm at least a day late, and doing my best to keep right on ignoring that fact.

i wont bore you with what we did all summer, i'm just going to jump right back in with both feet by saying that i'm just not ready to be where i am right now.  NOT IN THE LEAST LITTLE BIT......and i keep thinking that if i just don't think about it, or address it, then maybe, just maybe, time will stand still for a little while.  unfortunately that's just not true.  and while i can definitely delude myself for a while, i cant do it forever.  this year is coming whether i want it to or not.  my baby started middle school whether i was ready or not.  i will watch my second kid start to drive....and i will watch my oldest graduate from high school - whether i'm ready or not.  so i guess i better start getting my ass at least a little bit prepared.

so why didn't i start the blog on the first day of school like i said?  because i was IGNORING IT.  i figured that if i didnt start writing about how i was feeling about this year, then maybe i might be able to skate by all these crazy, scary feelings. but no.

so here we go....while intellectually i know that my boys are going to be fine, upstanding young men, who will be able to take care of themselves and make amazing things happen in their lives, i'm not emotionally ready to let them go.  which is CRAZY.....THIS - this moment, this time - is what i have been working toward my ENTIRE ADULT LIFE....i am about to watch my first offspring fly the nest....and start making decisions for himself that will impact HIS future.  is he ready??  absolutely!  am i?  clearly not.  this is one of those times when the rubber meets the road.  has jake learned any of the lessons i've been trying to teach him?  where those lessons the RIGHT lessons to help him as he makes his way?  what will i do when he stumbles?  i just dont know.  but i do know that i have to start paying attention.  if this is the last year we have together as a family, then i need to pull my head out of the sand and EMBRACE it. which is proving to be much more difficult than i thought.

We worry about what a child will become tomorrow, yet we forget that he is someone today. ~Stacia Tauscher
what i do know right this minute is that i will never again have 3 kids exactly where they are now....and where they are right now is pretty damn cool.  they are ALL on the cusp of SOMETHING.....adolescence, freedom, independence.....and i get to be here to watch them, guide them and experience it with them.  THAT is what parenting is all about.  am i the same parent today that i was when jake started middle school?  NOPE.  and i often worry that i'm not as good as i once was, or as engaged as used to be.  but ultimately i'm doing the best that i can and THAT is what has stayed consistent over the years.  yes our circumstances have changed over the years, but our ultimate goals and priorities have not.  and hopefully that will be enough....for all three of the boys.  i guess only time will tell. time that i need to start ACKNOWLEDGING :)

the cool thing about right now?  my kids are at the point where they GET IT...or most of it anyway....we are experiencing a pivotal election that will have a real impact on their future - and they will be able to remember it - especially since their mom will be shoving it down their throats most of the time. i GET to talk to them about real issues and challenge them all to THINK about the future...in real and concrete terms....its yet another responsibility and another opportunity to challenge them to BE a part of the conversation, not just a witness to it.

the most interesting conversation i have had in recent memory of course happened this summer.....i am obsessed with the newsroom - which im sure i will touch on at a later date....but in discussing it with jake, i ended up having a very long winded conversation with all of the boys about religion and politics and the role that THEY will play.  i wont bore you with the details but it started with "YOU GUYS are the SMART ones...YOU GUYS are the ones that HAVE TO PAY ATTENTION to whats going on"....and ended with josh saying "i think i need to get more information on martin luther"....which should tell you a little bit about how crazy i am and what i tell my kids.

i guess the moral of the story for me at this moment is that i need to take each day as the gift it is with the boys....and as sad as i am that this is jake's senior year, i'm also so excited for him and all that he has in store.  i just need to start looking FORWARD instead of looking BACK. 

Normal day, let me be aware of the treasure you are.  Let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.  Let me not pass you by in quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.  Let me hold you while I may, for it may not always be so.  One day I shall dig my nails into the earth, or bury my face in the pillow, or stretch myself taut, or raise my hands to the sky and want, more than all the world, your return.  ~Mary Jean Iron