not a day goes by

my husband is a creature of habit.  which is often a very good thing.  sometimes annoying, but he is the soul of dependability.  and every single day since his sister was diagnosed with cancer, he has an alarm on his phone that goes off at 10am.  it simply says "text tiff".  because he knew he needed to do that.  every day.

tomorrow marks the first anniversary of her death.  and every day at 10am, that alarm still goes off.  and every day at 10am, theres a quick second when he thinks shes still here.  sometimes you can see it on his face if he happens to glance at his phone right BEFORE 10am.  he thinks, its ALMOST time.  but he never, ever silences it.  and he never will.  its one small way, every single day, that he carries his sister with him.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

a year later, many people will have moved on to some degree.  life goes on for the living.  there is work, school, sports, everyday STUFF that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other. that doesnt mean anyone has forgotten.  or will forget.  there are so many things that happen to her family, to her friends that make us turn around and say "tiff would have loved that".  sometimes its a happy moment. often it just brings back the sadness. i hope as time goes on it will get easier to say it with a smile.  because that feeling will never go away.

i think the hardest part of this year is that everything is a FIRST without her.  every birthday, holiday, school event is the first one that tiff is not here for.  there is no way of getting around that.  or the fact that it takes some of the joy out of each of those milestones.  and thats okay.  its expected even.  but i hope that as time goes by it will get a little bit easier to smile on those days, knowing that what she gave to us while she was here has made all of those days possible.

it seems like every time something comes up, we think - we just have to get thru her birthday.  or easter.  but each time we get thru something, another thing pops up.  spring break on the beach in florida was great.  but its impossible to go there and not think of all of the years we did it together.  and as jake's graduation approaches, i know that her absence there will be truly felt.  he was after all, her "jakey".  there just ALWAYS going to be one more thing we wish she could be here for.

so MY wish for tomorrow, and all the days that follow is that we NOT FORGET.  which to me is a little bit different that just remembering.  we will all always remember tiff.  she was a great mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend.  but she was so much more than that.  she was the girl who liked to shop at marshalls, and gossip about clothing choices.  she loved the gym, and to make things beautiful in her home.  she loved her girls weekends, and was a master organizer.  i dont want to just remember tiff, my sister in law.  i want to NOT FORGET the funny, crazy things we would talk about out.  or the whirlwind black friday shopping events.  or even the fights.  because a few of those ended up being some of our best stories together.

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us.  As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us.  ~Sascha

i know for kris and the family, nothing makes losing tiff any easier.  all of the amazing support they have gotten and all the funds for sarcoma research they have raised are a fantastic tribute.  but none of it makes it any easier.  and nothing we can say or do probably ever will.  but i like to think that knowing she wont be forgotten is the best comfort we can give.  maybe tomorrow, rather than just letting the family know you are thinking of them, you share your favorite memory. or something special that YOU wont forget about tiff.  so they know that we all share in the memories.  we all mark the day.  we all miss her.  and we will not let her be forgotten.

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 timothy 4:7

tiffs personal fight is over. for us, it goes on.  to find peace. to see reason.  and to work to find a cure.  every memory we share, every dollar we raise in her name continues her race.  we WILL keep the faith.  we will keep not only her memory, but her SPIRIT alive.

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http://www.active.com/running/webster-ny/2nd-annual-steel-lillies-5k-2013