a kind word

 i find myself NOT wanting to touch on the whole Boston marathon tragedy and ensuing craziness.  a certain part of me feels like i SHOULD.  but rather than give space or energy to the negativity surrounding the whole horrific event, i decided to just let it pass.  without comment.  because really, what more could be said?  its yet another inexplicable, senseless, horrifying display of man's inhumanity towards man.  and i dont think we need to dwell on any more of the awful things we can do to each other.  i will, however, applaud the thousands of first responders, family, friends and citizens who stood up to demonstrate the true spirit of love that lives within us.  while the tragedy sends us searching for answers, the outpouring of feeling, compassion and aid renews our hope that we will one day figure out how to come together without the impetus of such a tragedy.

Don't be yourself - be someone a little nicer.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

one of the hardest things we can learn, and teach our children, is to THINK before we act.  or speak.  its so much easier to just react.  let emotions rule us.  condemn someone or something before we understand them.  not that i think we need to look for excuses for anyone's behavior.  but i think we need to be more CONSCIOUS of what we are doing.  both positively and negatively.  i'll give you 2 everyday examples:

i came home after a normal day of running around, but wasnt feeling great.  when i walked in the kitchen, there was trash literally ALL over the kitchen and hall.  and boy was it yummy.  coffee grounds and scuzzy chineses containers.  which happens.  we have 3 dogs.  but clearly my kids forgot to put them away before they left the house.  resulting in said kitchen disaster.  rather than taking 2 seconds to calm down, i immediately picked up the phone, called jake and LOST MY MIND.  like he knocked over the trash before he walked out.  it might not even have been him. but i felt completely justified in ripping into him, because he MIGHT have been to blame.  after all, i know it wasnt ME.

needless to say, it was not a great conversation.  and after i calmed down and jake came home, we had to spend 35 minutes talking it over.  just so i could FIX a problem i created.  because i acted without thinking.  i let my emotions get the better of me.  in the end, it was no big deal.  but i hurt his feelings - which turned a stupid kitchen mess, into a much larger issue than it needed to be.  i was going to have to clean up that mess one way or the other.  but if i had not reacted to quickly, i might have asked jake what happened and learned that he had to run out to help someone on the fly.  which meant he forgot to close the dogs in.  honest mistake.  compounded by his mom losing her shit.  so my bad day bled over onto jake.

woudnt it have been so much better for my GOOD day to have bled over?

The kindest word in all the world is the unkind word, unsaid.  ~Author Unknown

its that initial negative reaction i want to combat.  i want us ALL to combat.  its so much easier to lash out with a mean word, rather than to just take a second to breath.  and then let it go.  clearly there are larger things that happen that make that impossible.  but i'm talking about normal everyday things.  like kitchen mess.  and laundry piles.  forgotten homework or lost shoes.  you know, the little things that sometimes just seem to set us off.  or maybe its just me.  if it is just me - 1) that's amazing and i'm proud of you all... and 2) send me some pointers!!  in the grand scheme of things, we let really dumb stuff cause us these hugely negative emotions.  and they spread.  one mean word from me affects my entire family.  i can ruin an entire day for 5 people by 6:30 in the morning, just because i dont think before i speak.  so that's what i'm working on next.

and thanks to some great people, i have awesome examples.  i have a friend who will randomly just send me a card.  and it always, always brightens my day.  that she would take the time to actually sit down, jot down a thought, and stick it in the mail (and actually has my address) is incredible to me.  its so THOUGHTFUL.  and i admire her for taking the time.  i know she does it for many of her friends, and its such an emotional gift.  wouldnt it be great if we all took just an hour, once a month and wrote out some old fashioned cards?  think about how great you used to feel when you got a piece of mail that wasnt a bill :).

i have several lovely friends who do such thoughtful things for me.  they check on me, and cheer me up.  all the stuff that friends do.  but i also have had a few people reach out unexpectedly to do nice things.  and THOSE are so striking.  i had someone send me a beautiful text about my boys today.  and it literally MADE MY NIGHT.  those quick words brought such joy.  and i am so grateful that she took the time to THINK to write them down.  so often we see someone do something nice, and we notice it.  but we dont follow up.  and while i'm sure people arent out there doing nice things to get noticed, its heartwarming when someone acknowledges the NICE.  because we surely notice and comment on the not nice.

Kind words can be short and easy to speak but their echoes are truly endless. ~ Mother Teresa

my challenge for myself- and you, if you are interested, is to start SHARING the good. if you notice someone doing something kind or brave or positive, take a second and note it.  shoot a text, or write a card. or just say "go you".  but remember it.  and pay it forward.

it seems to me the world can use all the positive vibes we can give it.  stop paying attention and giving attention to the bad stuff.  its like rewarding bad behavior.  maybe we cant ignore it all.  but we can definitely stop making it such a high priority.  we can stop making it news every minute.  if we can start acting out of love and kindness, maybe there wont be so much room for hate and violence.  i know its easier said than done.  but we have to start somewhere.  and we have to start now.

not a day goes by

my husband is a creature of habit.  which is often a very good thing.  sometimes annoying, but he is the soul of dependability.  and every single day since his sister was diagnosed with cancer, he has an alarm on his phone that goes off at 10am.  it simply says "text tiff".  because he knew he needed to do that.  every day.

tomorrow marks the first anniversary of her death.  and every day at 10am, that alarm still goes off.  and every day at 10am, theres a quick second when he thinks shes still here.  sometimes you can see it on his face if he happens to glance at his phone right BEFORE 10am.  he thinks, its ALMOST time.  but he never, ever silences it.  and he never will.  its one small way, every single day, that he carries his sister with him.

Sometimes, when one person is missing, the whole world seems depopulated.  ~Lamartine

a year later, many people will have moved on to some degree.  life goes on for the living.  there is work, school, sports, everyday STUFF that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other. that doesnt mean anyone has forgotten.  or will forget.  there are so many things that happen to her family, to her friends that make us turn around and say "tiff would have loved that".  sometimes its a happy moment. often it just brings back the sadness. i hope as time goes on it will get easier to say it with a smile.  because that feeling will never go away.

i think the hardest part of this year is that everything is a FIRST without her.  every birthday, holiday, school event is the first one that tiff is not here for.  there is no way of getting around that.  or the fact that it takes some of the joy out of each of those milestones.  and thats okay.  its expected even.  but i hope that as time goes by it will get a little bit easier to smile on those days, knowing that what she gave to us while she was here has made all of those days possible.

it seems like every time something comes up, we think - we just have to get thru her birthday.  or easter.  but each time we get thru something, another thing pops up.  spring break on the beach in florida was great.  but its impossible to go there and not think of all of the years we did it together.  and as jake's graduation approaches, i know that her absence there will be truly felt.  he was after all, her "jakey".  there just ALWAYS going to be one more thing we wish she could be here for.

so MY wish for tomorrow, and all the days that follow is that we NOT FORGET.  which to me is a little bit different that just remembering.  we will all always remember tiff.  she was a great mother, wife, sister, daughter, friend.  but she was so much more than that.  she was the girl who liked to shop at marshalls, and gossip about clothing choices.  she loved the gym, and to make things beautiful in her home.  she loved her girls weekends, and was a master organizer.  i dont want to just remember tiff, my sister in law.  i want to NOT FORGET the funny, crazy things we would talk about out.  or the whirlwind black friday shopping events.  or even the fights.  because a few of those ended up being some of our best stories together.

As long as I can I will look at this world for both of us.  As long as I can I will laugh with the birds, I will sing with the flowers, I will pray to the stars, for both of us.  ~Sascha

i know for kris and the family, nothing makes losing tiff any easier.  all of the amazing support they have gotten and all the funds for sarcoma research they have raised are a fantastic tribute.  but none of it makes it any easier.  and nothing we can say or do probably ever will.  but i like to think that knowing she wont be forgotten is the best comfort we can give.  maybe tomorrow, rather than just letting the family know you are thinking of them, you share your favorite memory. or something special that YOU wont forget about tiff.  so they know that we all share in the memories.  we all mark the day.  we all miss her.  and we will not let her be forgotten.

 I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race, I have kept the faith.  2 timothy 4:7

tiffs personal fight is over. for us, it goes on.  to find peace. to see reason.  and to work to find a cure.  every memory we share, every dollar we raise in her name continues her race.  we WILL keep the faith.  we will keep not only her memory, but her SPIRIT alive.

.

http://www.active.com/running/webster-ny/2nd-annual-steel-lillies-5k-2013

determination never gets old

A man's age is something impressive, it sums up his life:  maturity reached slowly and against many obstacles, illnesses cured, griefs and despairs overcome, and unconscious risks taken; maturity formed through so many desires, hopes, regrets, forgotten things, loves.  A man's age represents a fine cargo of experiences and memories. 

 ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

i have to say that while i have always had a great deal of respect and admiration for my grandparents, i truly have a newly found GRATITUDE for them.  maybe its normal to take your parents and grandparents for granted.  for me, i have been truly lucky in that both generations were always just there.  in the crazy ways of time and life, even though I was getting older, i just expected them to stay the same.  which is ridiculous.  but true.  my grandparents have been "old" my whole life.  pappy has had the same gray beard literally my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE.  so i didn't really SEE the passage of time on his face like maybe i should have.  or maybe i just wasnt paying enough attention, since i can clearly see it on MINE :)

my grandfather was born in 1925.  think about that. 1925.  in his life, he has seen almost every technological advance.  he has lived through every war in our current span of history.  what makes my grandfather a super bad ass is that he was in the original class of UDT Frogmen - the precursor to the Navy SEALS.  he joined the navy as a wayward 17 year old and fought for his country in WWII.  He is the LAST SURVIVING MEMBER OF CLASS #001.  how AMAZING is that?  its something the family is very proud of and something we all learned about.  as a matter of fact, he was the subject of one of jake's history fair projects a few years ago.  so i guess what i'm saying is that its something we are all AWARE of.

where am i going with this?  Pappy has taught me more in the last 8 weeks about sheer WILL than anyone i have ever met. and i dont think i really recognized what it MEANT that he was in that first class of frogmen until now.  i KNEW he was.  but i didnt understand the kind of man that made him, if that makes sense.

“Four short words sum up what has lifted most successful individuals above the crowd: a little bit more. They did all that was expected of them and a little bit more.” ~A. Lou Vickery~

he went into the hospital on february 1st after a car accident.  he had broken ribs, fractures in his neck and back, a broken collarbone, and various minor injuries.  and he was fairly frail of frame to begin with, as many 88 year olds are.  he was admitted to critical care where his lung collapsed.  he beat that, moved upstairs in the hospital and contracted pneumonia and was once again placed in critical care.  he beat THAT.  after over 6 weeks in the hospital, the majority of which he was intubated and immobile, he was released to a rehab center.  which is where he is now. 

 let me just say this.  there are not many 88 year olds who make it out of the hospital.  period.  and what separated my grandfather from them was nothing less than SHEER DETERMINATION.  his WILL to live proved greater than all that was going against him.  you could see it, day in and day out.  and now that he is in the rehab center, its astounding to watch him.  because the number one attribute i would say expresses his feelings at the moment (aside from gratitude) is FRUSTRATION.  he literally does not understand why he is so WEAK.  he doesnt understand why they wont let him do MORE rehab.  he literally epitomizes that saying "never give up".  the man just has no QUIT in him.

it's literally amazing.  and its been my profound blessing to watch.  and learn from.  i've watched a lot of very strong people fight obstacles in their lives.  and all too often, even with all the fight in the world, they lose the battle.  which is so devastating.  and disheartening.  and then something like this happens.  you watch someone WIN.  that's not to say pappy has an easy road in front of him.  he does not.  but i know, and so does he, that when he finally leaves us, it will be on HIS terms.  when HE is ready.  and not one freakin minute before.

he often says to me that he is amazed by time.  he cant believe so much time passed while he was in the hospital, because he just cant remember it.  and then he comments on how quickly things can change.  just one second behind the wheel changed the rest of his life.  he is hyper- aware of time.  he watches the trees blossom outside of his window and the plants grow in his room.  the clock plays tricks on him, he says.  and while i know he wants out of that place and is frustrated by how long it seems to be taking him, i can only sit in AWE of how far he has come.

and of course, as with everything these days, sitting with him makes me extra sensitive to time.  pappy feels like the days are moving so slowly while he is stuck in limbo between where he is and where he wants to be.  and i feel like time is speeding by me as we prepare for graduation and college.  i want time to stand still and he wants it to hurry up.  and ironically neither of us is going to get our wish.  time is just going to keep on keeping on.  the way it always does.

Tomorrow, and tomorrow, and tomorrow,

Creeps in this petty pace from day to day

~William Shakespeare

i've learned a lot of things over the last year or so.  i guess because i've been attempting to pay attention.  and i absolutely love that there is so much out there that can still amaze me.  like most people, i've seen truly inspirational things in my life.  people do good things, and have triumphant moments.  but its so very cool to me that i've gotten the chance to be so incredibly IMPRESSED and INSPIRED by someone who in his own mind has already achieved his greatest accomplishments. what he may not realize is that while his PAST is amazing and certainly something to be proud of, its just one part of the man he is today.  and the man he is today can STILL INSPIRE.

you are never ever too old to shine.....

between want & need

you can read that right?  the difference between WANT and NEED is SELF CONTROL.  to which i say "HA".  to me the difference between want & need is completely dependent on what  is going on at any particular moment.  like today maybe i didnt NEED a peanut butter egg.  but today was a pretty easy day, all things considered.  however YESTERDAY, after finishing a 15 hour drive home with my kids from florida, i CLEARLY NEEDED one.  you see my point?  it really has very little to do with self control.  it has to do entirely with my MENTAL state.

“What we call happiness in the strictest sense comes from the (preferably sudden) satisfaction of needs which have been dammed up to a high degree.”  Sigmund Freud 

i think the coolest thing about wants (and needs) is that if you ask 100 people what their wants and needs are, you will get 100 different answers.  i mean really.  all we NEED is love?  air? water? food? how about shelter? companionship? respect?  need for what?  what do we need to LIVE?  or need to be HAPPY?  2 entirely different questions.  you know when self control comes into play?  when you are trying to get something a BIT out of your reach.  maybe your weakness is food.  or shoes.  maybe its both.  and maybe you WANT something maybe you shouldnt have at that particular moment.  by all means, exercise some self control.  self control is definitely NOT a bad thing.  probably ever.  but this is generally what happens to ME.  i tell myself i shouldnt have a peanut butter egg because really, i DONT need it.  i just want it.  i also maybe WANT to lose a few pounds, so i now have conflicting wants.  i dont NEED either. and if i use my self control to DENY myself the peanut butter egg i really want, i'm happy for about 10 seconds.  because i think i've won.  but in reality, my body starts to obsess about it.  because you know what?  i cant lose a few pounds right THIS SECOND.  but i can have a super yummy delicious peanut butter egg.  which makes me immediately happy.  so maybe I DO need it????   you see where this is going right?

“Hope and faith goes hand-in-hand, because without hope there is no faith. The same goes with want and needs, without any wants, there no need to have a need” ― Temitope Owosela

i can honestly say i want a lot of things.  some of them are normal (i think) and abstract.  i want to be happy.  i want my kids to be happy.  i want life to be less stressful sometimes and my bills easier to pay.  i dont necessarily NEED any of those things, but they certainly make my life better.  so really how do we determine the difference?  because really if we pare it down to what we actually, truly NEED, life is pretty darn basic. and boring.  its the WANTS that motivate us.  they become the things we NEED.  to feel happiness or success or reward.  without the wants, there really is NO need.  ok, yes i need air, etc.  but WHY?  if i'm miserable everyday, what's the point?

The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, he said:

“Man.

Because he sacrifices his health in order to make money.

Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health.

And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present;

the result being that he does not live in the present or the future;

he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”

i would make the argument that really the biggest NEED i have is to be happy.  or at least attempt to be.  because if i am happy, it means that i am doing the things with my life that i should be.  it means my kids are well and i am experiencing life.  not every single day is going to be great.  that wouldnt be reality.  but in the ATTEMPT to be happy, i am doing the things i NEED to do.  i guess the irony there is that we all define "happy" differently.  i guess we all define most things differently.  i never actually NEED a peanut butter egg.  except when it helps to make me happy :)

i would like to think that at the end of the day, i realize the difference.  like most people.  there is plenty of stuff i have and want that i definitely dont need. when it comes down to it, to me, the real difference between want and need is not self control, but self awareness.  when is enough, enough.  and when is it too much?  at what point is the need satisfied?  and where do we draw the line?  clearly the easiest line is material.  i think we probably ALL have too much STUFF.  but we never have too much HAPPY.  i guess if its stuff that makes you happy, then you have your work cut out for you.  not that new shoes dont make me happy.  or bags.  bags definitely work too.  along with the peanut butter eggs.  but what really really makes me happy is spending a few days on the beach with my boys.  or watching a lacrosse game.  or sitting with my grandfather.  watching a movie with kb.  playing softball with my sister.  talking to my pop.  getting to hang out with my friends.  you get the idea.  i would say that those are some of the things i NEED.  yes, i know in the grand scheme that most of them are luxuries.  they arent air or water.  but they ARE what makes this life worth living.  and to me, that makes them necessary.

Often people attempt to live their lives backwards; they try to have more things, or more money, in order to do more of what they want, so they will be happier.  The way it actually works is the reverse.  You must first be who you really are, then do what you need to do, in order to have what you want.  ~Margaret Young