getting back on the wagon

anyone want to join me??   that's my serious face, in case you were wondering.  this could be just one more blog about food and weight, but what would be the fun in that??  i'm looking at the new year in different terms. 

Be not afraid of growing slowly, be afraid only of standing still. chinese proverb

2 years ago, my friend introduced me to the concept of picking a single WORD that would define my year.  the original point was to use that word and scrapbook how it played out through your life, so that you could look back and reflect - and use it to center yourself.  that first year the word i picked was FUN (hers was REUNION).....it seemed to fit where i was at the time, or at the very least where i wanted to be.  regardless, i love the idea of it, and have continued on with it.  last year my word was INTENTION....which clearly influenced the title of the blog, and i hope the thoughtful way i tried to approach things.  but this year, the word that jumps out for me is CHALLENGE.  i dont know why yet, but that's the word i'm picking and what i will use to move me thru 2013.  i'm ordering my necklace tomorrow (colleen, lmk if you have a word and want one :)

Life is a challenge, meet it.
-Mother Theresa 

with that in mind, i'm throwing out my first CHALLENGE.  i'm doing the Whole30 January challenge.  its a ridiculous eating plan that professes to jump start your "new" life blah blah blah.  i'm sure its great. i know its hard to stick to.  but i think its the first thing i need to get myself back on track. i'm an all or nothing kind of girl.  i'm either working out hard or not at all.  i'm either eating healthy or eating like shit.  there is NO MIDDLE GROUND.  i can't have one cookie (we've gone over that already, right?).  so the point of this year is to challenge myself....to be better, to change my bad habits, to be nicer, to be more consistent.  basically to just RISE.  and if i cant conquer my stupid food thing first, then i'm pretty much doomed.

The belly rules the mind.  ~Spanish Proverb

let's see if i can reverse that?  is it possible to stop eating to make myself feel better? we shall see.  after this past week of butterfinger cookies, crab dip and everything else i can get my hands on, i think i might actually be ready for a break.  lets just see how long that feeling lasts......cuz i'm pretty sure it wont make it past lunchtime on say wednesday.  but i'm giving it a go anyway.

as i take a quick second and look over what i know is coming this year, it should be interesting.  i know i have quite a few big things headed my way.  and to face them, i need to be at my best.  physically and mentally.  jake is graduating and leaving home.  luke is getting his license.  josh is turning 13.  all gray hair inspiring events in their own right.  along with all of the little worries associated with them.  my way of coping?  trying to come to terms with the way life is changing around me.  THAT is why i know this year will be defined by the challenges....big and small.

in order to "ground" myself - or really just distract myself from all of that, i'm going to try to set myself up with a smaller challenge each month.....some not so small, like the whole30.  but i find if i have something to FOCUS on, i generally handle all the other stuff better.  like i'm allowed to be crazy about that ONE THING.  for the entire month of november it was college stuff.  then christmas.  and while those things were distracting and time consuming -now they are just over.....which leaves crazy me stressing about GRADUATION.  and let me tell you all - if THAT is what i'm focused on from now until then - ya'll will crawl thru your computers and SHOOT me.

If you want to make good use of your time, you’ve got to know what’s most important and then give it all you’ve got.  Lee Iacocca

what's important this year?  staying sane.  making good decisions. spending my time wisely.  not letting the little stuff drag me down.  staying focused. eyes on the prize. and if i'm honest, i'm at my best when i'm busy.  well actually i'm always busy.  i mean when i'm moving towards a goal.  when i have to stay on task.  in other words, when i'm working on something that takes some effort.  concentrating on something that takes me outside of my little box.  something that helps keep perspective.  i'm hoping that this year, several of the pieces from the last couple of years will come together.  i'll be able to eat right AND workout (you can laugh anytime).  get my work done AND manage to cook dinner.  get to all the lacrosse games AND enjoy them :)  you get the idea.  i generally do one or the other at any given time.  never both.  and i know that i can if i just FOCUS.

as always i have a couple of projects in the works.  but i'm also going to throw some stuff out there - into the computerverse - and see if anyone wants to join in.  january is the food challenge.  feb is tiff's gala.  march is the first run of the year and april is the tough mudder (that i am actually doing this year - hell or high water). may is my GASP 20 year college reunion....i cant even begin to wrap my head around that one.  june is GRADUATION and i plan to spend most of that entire month crying or drinking....maybe both.  so that just leaves the second half of the year.  im running a half in october, but am open to other suggestions...i'd love to run a DIVA half somewhere fun, or do another urban challange.....id also maybe like to learn something new.....of course i have no idea, but i'm thinking maybe i can learn to knit - so that when i retire from softball, i have a backup plan!!! or maybe i'll just pick up bowling....or bingo.  who knows??? that's all a part of the challenge of moving forward right.  embracing the changes as they get here.

“20 years from now you will be disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the one’s you did. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” -Mark Twain

i have to believe that what lies ahead is worth looking forward to.  i have to be ready take each day as it comes.  i have to appreciate the time.  i know all of these things.  but i also have to know myself.  being AWARE doesnt make me less crazy or uptight or scattered.  it doesnt make me less anything.  it hopefully just lays the foundation for being more accepting of what comes my way.  and more willing to step up to plate.  and with any luck, more able to look on the bright side. 

but here's a funny deni crazy ass catch 22 rationalization......i'm a bit on the heavy side for me at the moment.  which obviously i know, and have been fairly unwilling to worry about.  BECAUSE when in vegas, i HIT THE SHIT out of the ball.  you see, 10 lbs on my frame does wonders for my hitting.  so i rationalize NOT worrying about my weight with the ridiculously small side benefit of better softball.  HORRIBLE rationalization, but somewhere in the mess of my crazy mind, that's all it takes to make it ok for me to eat everything not nailed down this month. its a scary process, my inner brain workings....the funny part, is that for me, that was pretty much looking on the bright side.  sure i'm heavy...but i'm hitting!!!  go me :)  the mind is a funny funny thing.

i'm counting that as a success actually.  maybe not with the best overall result, but i'll take it.  now i just have to fix it. and maybe get a better bat!!  win win for deni.  welcome to the year of CHALLENGE.  turning that frown upside down!!

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.” – Albert Einstein