I guess technically this is still 12/28 - but only because my computer is set on pacific time...i'll take it tonight tho. I have not done as well as I might have hoped keeping up with the blog this year, but I guess the good news is that i'm still doing it at all. I imagine that every day was kind of a lofty goal. but i'm glad I at least started out that way. when I sit back and reflect on this past year, all I can think is THANK GOD its almost over!! and then I want to smack myself for thinking that.....because this year being over just means i'm one step closer to my next super crazy "milestone".....GRADUATION!! and boy am I so not ready for THAT!!
to say that 2012 was a challenging year for me and my family is a bit of an understatement. certainly there were worse things that happened to other people and families. and so I am grateful as well when I reflect on all of the good things that came throughout the year. and that is where I want to focus, as I ponder where to go from here.
when I started writing, it was with a profound sadness for laura and yet a desire to try to find some meaning or purpose that would create some kind of positive out of that horrible feeling. at the very least, I have tried to put my experiences of the past year and all of the lessons out here in the open, hoping they might help someone else along the way. hoping that maybe my struggle to come to terms with my challenges would resonate somewhere out there. and probably my greatest pleasure has been the way I have connected with other people throughout my journey. I have made new friends and reconnected with others. and I absolutely am so so incredibly happy about that. there is my first positive!
more than anything tho, I would have to say that this year taught me that no matter what, time keeps on marching straight ahead......sometimes faster than we want, and sometimes much slower. in those moments of torment and sadness, you just wish for time to pass quickly so you can move on and try to cope.....yet in those times of happiness and joy, you wish you could stop time altogether and just SAVOR it. but we get to do neither of those things. we just have to LIVE one moment, one experience, one feeling at a time. sometimes that is WAY harder than others. but its always the one thing that remains the same. the clock will keep ticking and bringing with it new things to face. so maybe for the first time ever in my life, I truly appreciate time.....the time I have and how I choose to spend it. or even GET to spend it.
in so many ways this year will always be remembered as one of loss. 2012 was hard. at times extremely hard. but we got thru it. and even managed to enjoy as much of it as we could. the best - or only - tribute I can give to tiff's memory is to be grateful. for the time she was here, for all she gave to her family, and for reinforcing that in the end its not how much time you have, its what you do with it. I can be sad - we all can. but its also important to be happy. as much as possible. i don't want to look back with regret. i want to be able to look over my life and be AMAZED at how fabulous it was. yes tiff's life was cut way too short. but she was a fantastic mom, an amazing sister, and a fabulous friend. i cant think of a better thing anyone could say about a life. and as time goes by and the pain lessens, i hope the joy of those 3 things will be what remains.
to have perspective is something I think we all work for, and yet struggle to maintain. I know for me it is one of the toughest. as I've said many many times, I have an amazing "big picture"....great husband, wonderful kids - just a loving family all around. we both have jobs and can pay our bills (which today is no small thing). I have super cool friends and a pretty awesome hobby.....so really nothing to complain about. and yet I still do. I have bad days. and really bad days. when I hate my job, and my husbands a jerk and my kids are unreasonable. when my friends ignore me and softball sucks. when shit breaks and I cant figure out how to pay for it. when people are mean to my kids or my parents are being crazy. and I lose sight of the fact that I'M JUST LUCKY TO HAVE THEM HERE. for that matter to BE HERE MYSELF. I don't know why its so hard to remember that sometimes. that's my ongoing challenge. and also what I hope to keep reminding myself and any of you that need it. life truly is a gift. with all of its ups and downs and challenges. just to be here to experience it at all is a wonderous thing.
I can look back and wish I didn't fight over stupid stuff. or put my foot down about things that didn't matter. I can wish that I laughed more and went out of my way more for other people. but at the end of the day, what I did was the best I had with what each day brought me. and i'm pretty sure, even though i'm fairly reflective at the moment, that's what I will continue to do. just the best that I can with what I've got.
what I don't think I will lose sight of anymore tho, is how precious time is. especially the time you get with the ones you love. I will never ever ever complain ever again when my dad shows up at 730 in the morning on a Saturday to chat. or when I drag my ass out of bed to drive one of my kids to school. I will never complain about the sucky 8 hour drive to Rochester or however long the drive ends up being to see jake. because I KNOW that the first time I cant do any of those things anymore, I will be so so sorry I didn't appreciate them. and wish for the time back so I could do them again.
so on the anniversary of the first ever deni blog, I just want to say a big fat thank you. to pretty much everyone. for everything. I wouldn't be here without you. I wouldn't be who I am without the love and support of my family and friends. i'm sorry if I haven't said it enough -or said it to your face. but I do appreciate you. and will do my best to REMEMBER it. because the very biggest lesson I have learned this year is that the only guaranteed moment you have it NOW. so you better make sure you are as happy as you can be with it. do I think i'm always going to be a ball of sunshine? please!! we all know that's not true :) but I am going to do my very best to try to push thru those "bad" moments as quickly as I can. and get back to the place where hope guides me, and where the sunshine is at least attempting to break thru.
to have perspective is something I think we all work for, and yet struggle to maintain. I know for me it is one of the toughest. as I've said many many times, I have an amazing "big picture"....great husband, wonderful kids - just a loving family all around. we both have jobs and can pay our bills (which today is no small thing). I have super cool friends and a pretty awesome hobby.....so really nothing to complain about. and yet I still do. I have bad days. and really bad days. when I hate my job, and my husbands a jerk and my kids are unreasonable. when my friends ignore me and softball sucks. when shit breaks and I cant figure out how to pay for it. when people are mean to my kids or my parents are being crazy. and I lose sight of the fact that I'M JUST LUCKY TO HAVE THEM HERE. for that matter to BE HERE MYSELF. I don't know why its so hard to remember that sometimes. that's my ongoing challenge. and also what I hope to keep reminding myself and any of you that need it. life truly is a gift. with all of its ups and downs and challenges. just to be here to experience it at all is a wonderous thing.
I can look back and wish I didn't fight over stupid stuff. or put my foot down about things that didn't matter. I can wish that I laughed more and went out of my way more for other people. but at the end of the day, what I did was the best I had with what each day brought me. and i'm pretty sure, even though i'm fairly reflective at the moment, that's what I will continue to do. just the best that I can with what I've got.
what I don't think I will lose sight of anymore tho, is how precious time is. especially the time you get with the ones you love. I will never ever ever complain ever again when my dad shows up at 730 in the morning on a Saturday to chat. or when I drag my ass out of bed to drive one of my kids to school. I will never complain about the sucky 8 hour drive to Rochester or however long the drive ends up being to see jake. because I KNOW that the first time I cant do any of those things anymore, I will be so so sorry I didn't appreciate them. and wish for the time back so I could do them again.
so on the anniversary of the first ever deni blog, I just want to say a big fat thank you. to pretty much everyone. for everything. I wouldn't be here without you. I wouldn't be who I am without the love and support of my family and friends. i'm sorry if I haven't said it enough -or said it to your face. but I do appreciate you. and will do my best to REMEMBER it. because the very biggest lesson I have learned this year is that the only guaranteed moment you have it NOW. so you better make sure you are as happy as you can be with it. do I think i'm always going to be a ball of sunshine? please!! we all know that's not true :) but I am going to do my very best to try to push thru those "bad" moments as quickly as I can. and get back to the place where hope guides me, and where the sunshine is at least attempting to break thru.
As each day comes to us refreshed and anew, so does my gratitude renew itself daily. The breaking of the sun over the horizon is my grateful heart dawning upon a blessed world. ~Terri Guillemets
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