do more

clearly bruno is a cuddler.  he fits right in with the bayer boys.  its amazing to me sometimes when i look at my life and think "wow" -  i have 3 boys, 3 dogs and a cat.  i INVITE chaos.  so i absolutely should not be surprised at all that my life is crazy and hectic and out of control.  and yet sometimes i still am.  totally surprised. somewhere in the back of my mind i think that all 3 of my kids should be able to have my absolute attention and that all 3 of my dogs will just grow up to perfectly attentive, even tho i only half ass train them.  its a lovely fantasy world i live in.  definitely not reality.

Did you ever wonder if the person in the puddle is real, and you're just a reflection of him?  ~Calvin and Hobbes
i honestly thought that i would wake up today and feel relief.  jake's apps are in, first quarter grades are in the books, and i finally feel like i can breathe without coughing for 5 minutes.  for the last few months, my internal mantra has been, just get to november.  and now that november is here (mostly), all i can think is "next".  i realized tonight that i have totally left josh hanging on his science fair project, and luke keeps saying to me "can i talk now".  obviously my focus for the first time in what i hope is really forever, has been lopsided.  and i hate that.  i'm not sorry because i know that when it's their turn, both luke and josh will get the same focus.  and maybe its just that because this is the first time we've had to go through it, the whole app thing has seemed overwhelming.  with any luck at all, when its luke's turn, i'll have my shit together better.  i just feel bad.  and interestingly enough, its not really guilty.  its just bad.  like i wish i could do more or give more.  and i just havent been able to. 

i think there comes a point when mentally you just shut down.  or stop reaching out.  physically i'm not too busy.  as a matter of fact, i'm having a serious affair with my couch right now, due to the beforementioned possible pneumonia thing.  but i just cant THINK about anything else right now.  which is also kind of a first for me.  usually i'm happiest when i'm juggling a million things in my mind - making plans and getting stuff done.  but lately i just cant do it.  it seems that there really is a limit out there somewhere and i'm creeping up on it.

today is halloween - which i should also mention that i HATE.  like with a giant passion.  which is totally irrelevant, but deserves a mention.  because its my least favorite event all year.  by far.  and that includes the dentist.  i could go on and on but suffice it to say, i dont like creepy things and i dont like to be scared and i just think we should have a national day of candy exchange....it'd be way easier.  and less creepy.  anyway....THIS halloween marked yet another first.  for the first time in 17 years, i did not have to go anywhere.  as a matter of fact, i wasnt even invited.  there was no "hey mom, let's meet up with...."  it was "hey mom, i'm going...."  from ALL 3 of them.  so incredibly crazy.....and so very sad at the same time.  the point here is that the times are changing.  and fast.  and i better get back on the wagon if i want to stay with the program!

my boys dont need me like they used to.  i know they need me in a different way, but its my challenge to evolve as they do.  just because i dont need to help them with their homework anymore, doesn't mean i shouldnt ask.  and just because most of the time they would rather be with their friends, doesnt mean i cant make the time they are with me matter too. and i'm trying.  believe me.  i just cant help but get hit in the face sometimes that they are grown up.  every time a parent walked their super cute (and non creepy) toddler up to get candy, i had 2 simultaneous thoughts - "oh, they are so cute, i miss that" - and " i am SO glad i dont have to do that anymore".  it doesnt make ANY sense.  but its true.  that's just about where my head is at the moment.  i wouldnt go back to diapers and toddlers for anything.  i LOVE where we are as a family.  but knowing that we DON'T have any toddlers, just reaffirms that time has been SPEEDING by.  and that is the scariest thing of all to me this halloween.

so i'm going to buckle down.  for the next 5 minutes or 5 years.  however long it takes, i'm going to do my best to be mentally engaged.  because i need to be.  for the boys.  and for me.

“Do more than belong: participate. Do more than care: help. Do more than believe: practice. Do more than be fair: be kind. Do more than forgive: forget. Do more than dream: work.” - william arthur ward

i guess there is ALWAYS room to try harder.  to be better.  i just needed to remind myself why its important.  because some time in the not too distant future, bruno is going to have to settle for me.