on the move

i want to thank everyone who called me or asked me what was up after the last blog - you guys are the best.  one of the things i love most about writing this is the realization that we are all pretty much in the same boat.  maybe not to the same extremes, or at the exact same times, but we've all been there.  so cheers to that!

for those of you that know me, this will come as no surprise, but my response to things that upset or challenge me is usually the same....i wallow - i get angry/upset/whatever - then i start to THINK.  and once i really start to grind my gears about whatever the issue is, i HAVE to fix it.  or at least try.  sometimes it takes alot longer than others, but you can guarantee that something is going to happen.

now as much as i love quotes, i'm not generally a cliche kind of chic.  but in this instance i'm making an exception. or 2.  because i really honestly truly feel like THIS is MY shining example of the old "when one door closes" thing.  and while i'm not going to drone on about my new business opportunity, what i will say it that by being OPEN  to the possibility of change - looking for the windows when the door closed - i found myself in a position to move forward in a positive direction.  that's kind of a new one for me, and i am super excited about it.

The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes.  ~Benjamin Disraeli

over the years, i've started (and stopped) plenty of things.  i'm choosing to view them as practice.  my dad on the other hand likes to roll his eyes whenever i tell him about my next "new thing".  and maybe like all of my other "things", this one will eventually fall by the wayside.  but i hope not.  and i dont think so.  i think all the other things i've done were getting me ready for THIS thing.  and if nothing else, it has removed the negative "i hate work" vibe from my life.  because in the grand scheme of things, i don't hate work.  i'm just not doing what i love.  and how many times have we heard oprah say that in order to truly be happy, we have to do something we love.  you know what i love???  raising my kids :).  when are we gonna figure out how to get paid to do THAT??  i know i know, parenting is its own reward....i got it!  i'm just throwing it out there.

There is only one success - to be able to spend your life in your own way. ~Christopher Morley

you know the word i picked for 2013 was challenge right?  it has a lot of different layers for me, which is one of the reasons i picked it.  but probably my biggest overall challenge is treading on the POSITIVE side of the path.  i skew negative.  not that i'm a gloom and doom kind of person, but more of a devils advocate.  i like to argue.  i see both sides of most points. so for me, there is always a negative to my positive - and my challenge is not to get bogged down in that line of thinking.  so when i was trying to organize my thoughts about moving forward, putting the positive side out there was important. not only do I want to be more positive focused, i want my message to be more positive as well.  which in large part is how my conditioning and agility idea became "S.T.R.O.N.G. is beautiful".  and while you know i dont have daughters, i was one. and like ALL young women i struggled with how i looked, etc. SO i believe one of the best things i can do for young girls today is pass along what it took me YEARS to realize.  STRONG IS beautiful.  i dont want to be stick skinny.  i dont want to be judged by what others find attractive.  i want to be happy with myself.  and then the rest comes.  clearly i'm still a work in progress.  but i LONG ago came to terms with the fact that my size starts with 2 numbers.  i have hips and an ass.  and guess what?  i'm super strong.  and while i will never wear a size 2, or 4 or 8, i have great legs.  you know why they are great?  because they carry me while i run, and work out, and play softball, and soccer and kickball.  and THAT is way more important than what size i wear.

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

THAT is what i want to pass along.  STRONG stands for Smart Tough Responsible Original Nice & Gutsy.....all the traits i think we should foster in our kids.  jake gave me a hard time about the "nice"....he jokingly said that using a generic 4 letter word was grinding my english major soul.  and he's a little bit right.  but more importantly than that, its a good word.  we need to teach our kids to be NICE.  i'm not sure when nice got such a bad rap, but it did.  and i think we need to bring it back.  its okay to be a nice girl.  especially if you are smart and tough too.

Those who bring sunshine to the lives of others cannot keep it from themselves.  ~James Matthew Barrie

see how its all coming together?  trying to bring some sunshine, spread the joy.  it's going to rain sometimes.  sometimes it seems like it will never stop.  and then all of the sudden - bang - there it is....a ray of sunshine.  its up to us whether we close the curtains and shut it out .... or throw them wide open and welcome it in.  for me, this little rain cloud is lingering....but i'm doing my best to welcome the sun.  and i'm bringing as many people with me as i can :)

a smack to the head

 Interestingly enough, i find myself in a place fairly unusual for me....smack dab in the middle of indecision.  and i find it paralyzing.  i am generally not the kind of person who has a hard time making a choice.  i think about the situation and i jump in one direction or the other and then make the best of it. and for the most part that has worked out pretty well.  but it seems like the older i get and the more responsibility i feel for others, the harder it is to just JUMP.  not that i haven't been responsible for my kids for a long time, but when they are little, they are so much less AWARE of what is going on, and i guess i've just always done a better job of not letting them be impacted by the decisions i've made.  at least that's what i've always led myself to believe.

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”

 chinese proverb

 for those of you who have known me forever, its probably obvious that this concerns work.  it's been my longest running challenge, in terms of balancing, and also the longest running joke in my small circle.  i think i've had about 400 jobs since i graduated from college, and generally average about 3 at any given time.  but the older the kids have gotten and the more intense our financial constraints have become, the more serious i have taken work.  when the boys were little, i was fine waitressing, working at the gym, selling marykay....whatever worked for me to stay home AND make some money.  but now, i have a "real" job.  and not only do i not like it, it does not like me.  and a large part of me is totally upset and slightly offended that my "work" does not think i am doing a good job.  somehow when i wasn't looking, somehow my ego got tied up in WORK.....really the last thing i was ever expecting.  i honestly have always felt like as long as i was a good PARENT, the rest of it was just bullshit.  which i THOUGHT was how i still felt.  until someone told me i wasnt doing a good job.  and then you have to take another look.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt

i feel constantly pulled in two very different directions.  and i probably write about that a lot, in various ways. its the "life is short/be happy" sunshine and light direction vs. the suck it up and do what needs to be done/you have responsibilities direction.  i want to spend every minute i can with jake before he leaves for college AND i want to be able to pay for whatever college he chooses.  and so far i have not figured out how to do both things.   which is where the doubt creeps in.  do i feel like i am doing a good job at work?  yes i do.  but am i giving it 100% ?  nope.  i feel like i am giving it a solid effort.  but my 100% is at home.  at least mentally.  maybe this is MY inability to separate  or let go.  maybe this job is not the right fit.  clearly it does not stir the blood, and has become increasingly frustrating.  in the past, i'd have already been gone. no question.  the minute my work life negatively impacts my home life, i am GONE.  except this time.  because somehow i have made myself FEEL like i can't AFFORD to leave this one.  which is ridiculous, right?  i always BOUNCE.  so i cant figure out WHY this time i'm hesitating??  i blame it on that stupid "big girl panties" quote i hear in my head.  for the first time EVER, i feel like i am letting the "suck it up buttercup" camp beat me.  why should i have to suck it up?  because the economy sucks?  because i am facing college tuition?  well, um YEAH!!  that's why.  but 30 year old deni would have already quit and found 2 more jobs.  i dont know whether 40 year old deni is older and wiser, or just older and more scared of change.....

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
Dale Carnegie

its like when i was pregnant (bear with me).  at 23, i was just pregnant.  id figure it out. i didnt dwell on how i was going to pay for any of it, or whether the baby would be healthy.  i was just living my life and getting it all done.  by the time i was 29 and pregnant, i was a nervous freaking wreck.....i knew ALL the things that could possibly go wrong with the baby, and how much money it would cost and i let it totally freak me out.  totally freak me out.  and yet, i was the same person, and was actually in a much better position to be having ThAT baby.  i just somehow got to the place where i let fear creep in.  how was i going to make it all work???  it didnt seem possible at the time.  but i did.  and it did.  maybe i just needed to write it all down to remind myself.  FEAR is real.  its out there.  and if we let it, it can grab hold.  but so is HOPE.  and COURAGE.  and i can battle fear with these other things.

i think the older i get, the more i like the image of the safety net.  its because i know all of the things that can go wrong that i find it more difficult to take the flying leap. its hard to go back and pinpoint when i went from balls to wall brave to the tip toeing tightrope walker, but apparently i did.  and its a bit disconcerting.  because when you are tip toeing around, you are not running headlong at anything.  and i definitely dont want to be that person.  i am NOT a tiptoer.  i am a CHARGER!  a damn the torpedoes chic.  what the hell happened to make me so afraid to jump??

its something to think about.  clearly.  but i refuse to stay in THIS place.  THIS rut.  there has to be a way to reconcile my absolute belief that life is too short to be remotely unhappy with my need to be a responsible, wage earning parent.  and guess what? i'm smart enough to figure it out.  maybe i just needed a few days to brood about it. i'm entitled to brood a bit, right??

this apparently was my wake up call.  the future is what we make it.  i need to stop letting other people make my decisions for me, and get back to creating the path i want for myself.  it may be a little tougher to make ends meet this way, but i will work it out.  because THAT is what I do!

perception

so far january has been a bit crazy for me.  as usual i guess.  but i've had a chouple of fairly funny/odd things happen to me that have made me seriously question my own perception of myself.  i'm not sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing....but its definitely interesting.

i'm guessing SOME introspection is normal when facing the reality of my oldest kid getting ready to graduate.  i feel somewhat bipolar over the whole situation.  i so super happy for jake, but am an on again/off again emotional basketcase.  i had to do his yearbook letter tonight and josh came in and actually said "it's okay Mom, i'm only i 6th grade".  like he's afraid im going to jump off a bridge tomorro.  generally i would not categorize myself as "needy"....but i guess in this case, i am.  which starts me off on my WORDS.

being an occasional writer/english major, i love words.  (clearly not punctuation or capitalization, however)  so i find it ironic that the way i define myself in my head, but positively and negatively may not actually be true.  isn't that a weird concept?

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. henry david thoreau

i'm not really going to go into what i consider my strengths and weaknesses, but lets just say i absolutely acknowledge that i have BOTH.  and if you could define me in one word I would say STUBBORN.  and i think that's both good and bad.....just ask my dad.  and since that is a word i dont think anyone can argue with, i'm going with it to make my point.  what i consider stubborn, someone else might consider obstinate.  or defensive. or bullheaded.  or close minded.  and i dont consider myself ANY of those.  but at the end of the day, what i think doesnt really matter.  because if everyone else interprets stubborn as obstinate, then i'm waaaay harder to get along with than i thought.

We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are. anais nin

i see myself as FIRM. and definitely opinionated.  that should  probably be capitalized.  but in MY opinion, i'm also very open to new things and suggestions.  if you have a better idea than me, then by all means lets use it.  i'm just going to make sure you can prove that it is.  and i dont consider that a bad thing, necessarily.  but i can see how someone would who is standing on the other side of this imaginary line.

i believe whole heartedly that most women who consider themselves successful - at anything -have very strong opinions.  you can call it conviction, or drive or whatever you want.  but the reality of how that is perceived is based on the VOLUME at which they believe it.  my sister is the perfect example of this.  she is absolutely as strong a person as i am.  she is as opinionated.  and as stubborn.  but she's way more quiet about it.  she makes things work out to her advantage and is one of the most successful people i know.  and one of the nicest.  its an awesome combination.  the biggest difference between the two of us?  she's quiet and i'm loud.  aside from  that, we are very very similar.  except everyone thinks she is way nicer.  including me, i guess :)

its funny because as i was writing about jake, i was thinking that he wouldn't use the same adjectives to describe himself as i do.  he perceives himself differently.  and we are both right.  i am exactly who i say i am and so is he.  but we are also who others perceive us to be.  pretty groovy, right?

the challenge is to take the adjectives from others and see how they fit with yours.  maybe i am defensive or lazy (ahem) - see how i can be defensive ABOUT THAT!!  so clearly both of those things can be true at one time or another.  it's marrying both perceptions together, mine and yours, that make me more AWARE.  and ultimately a better, stronger version of myself.  obviously its not easy.  no one likes to think bad things about themselves.  just like its often difficult to take compliments.  you are exactly how you see yourself to be.  but you are also exactly how others see you.  it would be super interesting to get a room full of people together than know you, but not each other, and then ask them to write down one word to describe you.  how many different answers would there be? and what might you learn about yourself? cool exercise im sure, but probably also pretty tough on the ego :)

the one thing i will say is this.....if i've made you mad or said something you didnt like, it wasnt done with malice.  i just dont always see the way i come across....believe me, its genetic.  i'm just trying to do what I think is right - i just dont always consider that its not what YOU think is right!!  and trust me when i say, you are not alone!!  i fired my brother in law today from his own committee.  that didnt go over so well either.  but im just trying to help.  and eventually he will come around to that.  or he wont and then no one in rochester will be speaking to me.  but i dont believe that.  because at the end of the day, no matter what anyone else thinks, i do try to come at things from an honest place in my heart.  i guess that's why i sleep ok at night.  i'm clearly not perfect.  but i'm improving daily.  and am up for the challenge on this continuing little journey to try harder and to be better.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. ~Kongzi

paper calendars

this is going to make me sound old fashioned....and probably just plain OLD, but i can not function without a paper calendar.  and there is a silly part of me that cant wait to go buy a brand new one so that i can sit down with all my crazy colored pens and highlighters and go to town.  the irony is that once i get it set up for the year with our trips and big dates, i wait for my softball schedule and the lax schedule to come out (usually in mid jan) and i fill those in.....which makes my year look absolutely, completely jam packed - and then i NEVER LOOK AT IT AGAIN! its like i need to see it all in  front of me laid out in all its glory, just so that i can wrap my mind around exactly how much free time i have....which is usually about 3 weekends a year that have absolutely nothing scheduled.

and yes, i have a calendar app on my phone.  and i share my google calendar with everyone under the sun in case any relatives want to catch one of the boys activities.  but mostly i use MY phone for the reminders.  yes i have an appointment in 30 minutes. thank you.  yes i need to pick up milk.  thank you.  but i cant look at my phone and get a BIG PICTURE.  and for some reason, i can not function without one.

“Organizing is what you do before you do something, so that when you do it, it is not all mixed up.” A.A. Milne

i also (because i am crazy) like to look at my calendar before it gets all junked up with the zillion GAMES we play.  right now, i can look at it and the whole year is full of possibilities......i can plan a vacation or go to the spa or go to NY.  of course that's all in my head.  because i'm having a hard time finding an actual DAY to get anywhere once lacrosse starts (um, march 1 in case you are wondering when i officially start tearing my hair out).  but right now....this minute, my calendar is free of lacrosse, basketball and softball.  you wouldn't think those 3 little things would make a difference.  but boy do they.  those pretty, empty weeknights fill right up.  and those blank weekends disappear.  and then an even CRAZIER part of me LOVES THAT too.  its like a giant jigsaw puzzle i get to figure out every year.  how do i make it all fit??? how do i make sure that i am getting everywhere and everyone is doing what they want?? including me.  i'm the first to admit that my softball is a giant time sucker.  especially from july-september.  but the awesome thing is that i get to take that beautiful partially filled out calendar to my meeting this weekend and start filling those empty spaces!!  go ahead....say it....'CRAZY'.  i know.  its just not the same when i type a reminder into my phone.  not at all!!

i think in todays day and age of run run run, of which i am certainly guilty, having that calendar sitting in front of me reminds of all the time i have that is available.   and when i fill it up, i fill it up with the things that make us happy.  things that we are choosing to do.  things that are important or fun.  so that the time in the calendar takes on meaning.  and i can look at it and get a feel for the big picture.  i guess too, because my paper calendar is just for my family, it doesnt really stress me out.  there are no work appointments in there or gym things.  its just vacations and games and trips.  and 90% of that stuff i really look forward to.  when i look at my phone calendar, most days i just want to pull the covers back over my eyes.  for some ridiculous reason, i get a daily google email at 4am every morning with a list of all of the things in my google calendar for that day.  which in and of itself isnt SO bad, except then i have to merge it with my work calendar.  then it starts to be no fun.  added to that are the normal everyday things - orthodontist, grocery, blah blah blah.  my daily calendar/reminder system is like this big giant weight that hangs around my neck.  constantly ordering me to do the next thing on my list.  it beeps at me and lights up.  its like having an annoying alarm clock in my pocket all day.  it would be one thing if it reminded to do things AND helped get them done.  but as it is, its just a nag.  which is awesome.  this may be why i am no longer allowed to have any kind of insurance on my phones.  they tend to fall in coffee.  or beer.

Never trust anything that can think for itself if you can't see where it keeps its brain.  ~J.K. Rowling

my paper calendar doesnt bother me.  it doesnt beep at me or light up. it just sits there.  in my bag.  full of potential.  i guess its not so much a calendar, as a planner.  its all a part of that blank slate that comes with the new year.  i get to CHOOSE what goes into it. i get to fill all of those empty spaces with whatever i deem fit.  its like a brand new opportunity to reprioritize.  i put my running stuff in there FIRST this year.  last year, i put it in last.  let's see if it makes a difference?  i do know that by putting it in first, it has a rank in my head.  its not just something i do when i can squeeze it in.  its something im planning for.  and counting on.  so the places it takes up on the calendar are meaningful.  i know that's pretty serious stuff for a plastic binder full of paper, but there you go.  my paper calendar represents my year.  or what i hope my year will be.  it highlights the important points, so they jump out at you.  events stand out from one another.  and they serve as both motivation and reminder.  my paper calendar doesnt nag me.  it encourages me.  crazy or not, there it is.  it makes me happy.

whether or not you have a silly hangups like me or not, i hope however you are planning to look at this new year, you do it with an open mind and a positive spirit.  i hope whatever moves you to fill up your blank spaces brings you satisfaction and joy.  and i hope you carry a bit of the passion you feel  today throughout your new year.


We will open the book.  Its pages are blank.  We are going to put words on them ourselves.  The book is called Opportunity and its first chapter is New Year's Day.  ~Edith Lovejoy Pierce

bring it

today is a new day.....and yet another day just like all the rest.  i find it so interesting the somehow on the first day of the new year we are supposed to just automatically change.  find a goal.  be more motivated.  fix our issues.  all because our calendar says we get a fresh start.  but today, like a lot of days, what i did was work out, stress about what i was going to eat, help with homework and ironically still work on college applications.  just another day in the life.  the side benefit was a big giant headache due to my ridiculous new "eating plan" that says no sugar or dairy.  whats the fun in drinking coffee without those???

i think the most optimistic way to look at the new year is as an OPPORTUNITY.  it may not exactly be a fresh start, but its kind of like hitting a personal reset button.  not that you cant do that anytime during the year, but it seems somehow more realistic to do it on the first of the year.  its like for one day, everything is shiny and new.  i can convince myself that THIS YEAR is going to be the best ever.  i can sit down and write out goals that will make me THINK about where i am going, instead of just letting the tide take me wherever.  or i can just stay in my pajamas all day.  which is what i did.  and now have to worry about whether or not that's an omen for the entire year :)

The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, not to worry about the future, or not to anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly. ~Buddha

interestingly enough i've been exposed to all kinds of goal setting lectures throughout my crazy ass career track.  and the one thing they all have in common is TANGIBILITY.  your goals can not be abstract - i want to be nicer, happier, more successful....they have to be somehow quantified.  i want to say ONE nice thing EVERY DAY (good luck), increase my earnings by 10K (again, good luck).  but you get my point.  its very easy to set an abstract goal and then wonder why it doesnt seem to be working.  i want to work out "more".  well 1 day more than 0 is accomplishing your goal, but it wont get you anywhere.....so it's important that IF you decide that today is the day you are going to set some goals, set them with PURPOSE.  and im certainly not saying you have or should set any......but if you are going to go through the trouble of actually thinking about what it is you want to accomplish, you may as well make it worth it!!

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending.  ~Attributed to Carl Bard

isnt that a part of the challenge that each new year brings?  are you happy with the direction you're going? or happy in general?  and if not, how do you start to fix it?  i had an interesting conversation with one of my friends who is more often than not exactly where i am mentally, at least at this particular place in our lives.  and we were talking about how hard it is to get motivated to do the whole work out/eat right thing. food is comfort.  it makes me happy.  and its yummy.  why torture myself about THAT when there is so much other stuff that stresses me out?  but here is the flip side of that coin.....the one that i'm grabbing onto -at least right now.  there is so much about my life that i can not control.  at least not in the immediate.  i cant immediately make more money.  or make time stop so that jake isnt leaving.  i cant be home everyday for josh or magically have a better schedule.  but you know what i can control?  my body.  if i dont want to be fat and lazy, then THAT i can fix.  IMMEDIATELY.  this is one decision i can make and actually do something about.  i can put things in motion to try to fix some of the other stuff, but THIS i can do myself. no outside forces have to agree or align or help.  just me.  so while i may love a good cupcake, i will feel so much better about myself if i just GET AHOLD of ONE THING.  and that one thing, at least right now is ME!

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

 Carl Rogers

perspective is a funny thing.  for every time i hear "nothing tastes as good as skinny looks", i also hear "life is too short to not enjoy it".  i wage this internal war CONSTANTLY.  and what i've finally come to realize is that BOTH of those things are totally true.  it just depends on what is going on in my life.  sometimes cupcakes ARE the answer.  and sometimes they are NOT.  that is what is fun about this whole new years thing....i get to change my mind :)  and knowing me, i'll probably change it 16 more times before NEXT year....but that's ok too.

today is the first day of the rest of my life.  and the first day of the new year.  its full of promise and opportunity.  all i have to do is embrace it.  and while there are things i am not looking forward to so much about 2013, i'm going to have a better perspective.  i dont want jake to leave.  but i am SO excited about HIS future.  excited is just going to have to kick sad in the ass.  and while i'm not so psyched about being 20 years out of college, i AM so excited to have a reason to see my friends!!  2013 promises to have some seriously great reunion stories at the very least :).  and i can promise you that when i look back over the pictures from 2013, they will NOT be ones that i look at and think "damn you look heavy".  NOT happening.  so bullshit headache or no, today was a good day.  its the year of the CHALLENGE, and i say BRING IT, bitches :)