perception

so far january has been a bit crazy for me.  as usual i guess.  but i've had a chouple of fairly funny/odd things happen to me that have made me seriously question my own perception of myself.  i'm not sure whether thats a good thing or a bad thing....but its definitely interesting.

i'm guessing SOME introspection is normal when facing the reality of my oldest kid getting ready to graduate.  i feel somewhat bipolar over the whole situation.  i so super happy for jake, but am an on again/off again emotional basketcase.  i had to do his yearbook letter tonight and josh came in and actually said "it's okay Mom, i'm only i 6th grade".  like he's afraid im going to jump off a bridge tomorro.  generally i would not categorize myself as "needy"....but i guess in this case, i am.  which starts me off on my WORDS.

being an occasional writer/english major, i love words.  (clearly not punctuation or capitalization, however)  so i find it ironic that the way i define myself in my head, but positively and negatively may not actually be true.  isn't that a weird concept?

It's not what you look at that matters, it's what you see. henry david thoreau

i'm not really going to go into what i consider my strengths and weaknesses, but lets just say i absolutely acknowledge that i have BOTH.  and if you could define me in one word I would say STUBBORN.  and i think that's both good and bad.....just ask my dad.  and since that is a word i dont think anyone can argue with, i'm going with it to make my point.  what i consider stubborn, someone else might consider obstinate.  or defensive. or bullheaded.  or close minded.  and i dont consider myself ANY of those.  but at the end of the day, what i think doesnt really matter.  because if everyone else interprets stubborn as obstinate, then i'm waaaay harder to get along with than i thought.

We don't see things as they are. We see them as we are. anais nin

i see myself as FIRM. and definitely opinionated.  that should  probably be capitalized.  but in MY opinion, i'm also very open to new things and suggestions.  if you have a better idea than me, then by all means lets use it.  i'm just going to make sure you can prove that it is.  and i dont consider that a bad thing, necessarily.  but i can see how someone would who is standing on the other side of this imaginary line.

i believe whole heartedly that most women who consider themselves successful - at anything -have very strong opinions.  you can call it conviction, or drive or whatever you want.  but the reality of how that is perceived is based on the VOLUME at which they believe it.  my sister is the perfect example of this.  she is absolutely as strong a person as i am.  she is as opinionated.  and as stubborn.  but she's way more quiet about it.  she makes things work out to her advantage and is one of the most successful people i know.  and one of the nicest.  its an awesome combination.  the biggest difference between the two of us?  she's quiet and i'm loud.  aside from  that, we are very very similar.  except everyone thinks she is way nicer.  including me, i guess :)

its funny because as i was writing about jake, i was thinking that he wouldn't use the same adjectives to describe himself as i do.  he perceives himself differently.  and we are both right.  i am exactly who i say i am and so is he.  but we are also who others perceive us to be.  pretty groovy, right?

the challenge is to take the adjectives from others and see how they fit with yours.  maybe i am defensive or lazy (ahem) - see how i can be defensive ABOUT THAT!!  so clearly both of those things can be true at one time or another.  it's marrying both perceptions together, mine and yours, that make me more AWARE.  and ultimately a better, stronger version of myself.  obviously its not easy.  no one likes to think bad things about themselves.  just like its often difficult to take compliments.  you are exactly how you see yourself to be.  but you are also exactly how others see you.  it would be super interesting to get a room full of people together than know you, but not each other, and then ask them to write down one word to describe you.  how many different answers would there be? and what might you learn about yourself? cool exercise im sure, but probably also pretty tough on the ego :)

the one thing i will say is this.....if i've made you mad or said something you didnt like, it wasnt done with malice.  i just dont always see the way i come across....believe me, its genetic.  i'm just trying to do what I think is right - i just dont always consider that its not what YOU think is right!!  and trust me when i say, you are not alone!!  i fired my brother in law today from his own committee.  that didnt go over so well either.  but im just trying to help.  and eventually he will come around to that.  or he wont and then no one in rochester will be speaking to me.  but i dont believe that.  because at the end of the day, no matter what anyone else thinks, i do try to come at things from an honest place in my heart.  i guess that's why i sleep ok at night.  i'm clearly not perfect.  but i'm improving daily.  and am up for the challenge on this continuing little journey to try harder and to be better.

Wheresoever you go, go with all your heart. ~Kongzi