a smack to the head

 Interestingly enough, i find myself in a place fairly unusual for me....smack dab in the middle of indecision.  and i find it paralyzing.  i am generally not the kind of person who has a hard time making a choice.  i think about the situation and i jump in one direction or the other and then make the best of it. and for the most part that has worked out pretty well.  but it seems like the older i get and the more responsibility i feel for others, the harder it is to just JUMP.  not that i haven't been responsible for my kids for a long time, but when they are little, they are so much less AWARE of what is going on, and i guess i've just always done a better job of not letting them be impacted by the decisions i've made.  at least that's what i've always led myself to believe.

"To get through the hardest journey we need take only one step at a time, but we must keep on stepping”

 chinese proverb

 for those of you who have known me forever, its probably obvious that this concerns work.  it's been my longest running challenge, in terms of balancing, and also the longest running joke in my small circle.  i think i've had about 400 jobs since i graduated from college, and generally average about 3 at any given time.  but the older the kids have gotten and the more intense our financial constraints have become, the more serious i have taken work.  when the boys were little, i was fine waitressing, working at the gym, selling marykay....whatever worked for me to stay home AND make some money.  but now, i have a "real" job.  and not only do i not like it, it does not like me.  and a large part of me is totally upset and slightly offended that my "work" does not think i am doing a good job.  somehow when i wasn't looking, somehow my ego got tied up in WORK.....really the last thing i was ever expecting.  i honestly have always felt like as long as i was a good PARENT, the rest of it was just bullshit.  which i THOUGHT was how i still felt.  until someone told me i wasnt doing a good job.  and then you have to take another look.

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent. - Eleanor Roosevelt

i feel constantly pulled in two very different directions.  and i probably write about that a lot, in various ways. its the "life is short/be happy" sunshine and light direction vs. the suck it up and do what needs to be done/you have responsibilities direction.  i want to spend every minute i can with jake before he leaves for college AND i want to be able to pay for whatever college he chooses.  and so far i have not figured out how to do both things.   which is where the doubt creeps in.  do i feel like i am doing a good job at work?  yes i do.  but am i giving it 100% ?  nope.  i feel like i am giving it a solid effort.  but my 100% is at home.  at least mentally.  maybe this is MY inability to separate  or let go.  maybe this job is not the right fit.  clearly it does not stir the blood, and has become increasingly frustrating.  in the past, i'd have already been gone. no question.  the minute my work life negatively impacts my home life, i am GONE.  except this time.  because somehow i have made myself FEEL like i can't AFFORD to leave this one.  which is ridiculous, right?  i always BOUNCE.  so i cant figure out WHY this time i'm hesitating??  i blame it on that stupid "big girl panties" quote i hear in my head.  for the first time EVER, i feel like i am letting the "suck it up buttercup" camp beat me.  why should i have to suck it up?  because the economy sucks?  because i am facing college tuition?  well, um YEAH!!  that's why.  but 30 year old deni would have already quit and found 2 more jobs.  i dont know whether 40 year old deni is older and wiser, or just older and more scared of change.....

Inaction breeds doubt and fear. Action breeds confidence and courage. If you want to conquer fear, do not sit home and think about it. Go out and get busy.
Dale Carnegie

its like when i was pregnant (bear with me).  at 23, i was just pregnant.  id figure it out. i didnt dwell on how i was going to pay for any of it, or whether the baby would be healthy.  i was just living my life and getting it all done.  by the time i was 29 and pregnant, i was a nervous freaking wreck.....i knew ALL the things that could possibly go wrong with the baby, and how much money it would cost and i let it totally freak me out.  totally freak me out.  and yet, i was the same person, and was actually in a much better position to be having ThAT baby.  i just somehow got to the place where i let fear creep in.  how was i going to make it all work???  it didnt seem possible at the time.  but i did.  and it did.  maybe i just needed to write it all down to remind myself.  FEAR is real.  its out there.  and if we let it, it can grab hold.  but so is HOPE.  and COURAGE.  and i can battle fear with these other things.

i think the older i get, the more i like the image of the safety net.  its because i know all of the things that can go wrong that i find it more difficult to take the flying leap. its hard to go back and pinpoint when i went from balls to wall brave to the tip toeing tightrope walker, but apparently i did.  and its a bit disconcerting.  because when you are tip toeing around, you are not running headlong at anything.  and i definitely dont want to be that person.  i am NOT a tiptoer.  i am a CHARGER!  a damn the torpedoes chic.  what the hell happened to make me so afraid to jump??

its something to think about.  clearly.  but i refuse to stay in THIS place.  THIS rut.  there has to be a way to reconcile my absolute belief that life is too short to be remotely unhappy with my need to be a responsible, wage earning parent.  and guess what? i'm smart enough to figure it out.  maybe i just needed a few days to brood about it. i'm entitled to brood a bit, right??

this apparently was my wake up call.  the future is what we make it.  i need to stop letting other people make my decisions for me, and get back to creating the path i want for myself.  it may be a little tougher to make ends meet this way, but i will work it out.  because THAT is what I do!