holding on

Joy and sorrow are inseparable...together they come, and when one sits alone with you...remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.-- Kahlil Gibran

i may have mentioned that i have spent quite a bit of time recently visiting the hospital.  and without going into a lot of detail, i will say that i am both amazed and inspired by those who are facing some seriously challenging times with nothing but faith and optimism.  it cant be easy.  its not easy in the best of times to stay positive.  and then to try it when things are actually BAD, takes real strength.

i think what helps most when you spend hours sitting by a bedside or in a waiting room are the people who come to support you and the reminders they bring of all that is good about the person you love.  certainly we have all been there at one time or another.  but i find this time that i am waivering in my ability to stay positive.  as i sit in the critical care unit to visit TWO people dear to me.  one is 28.  the other 88.  both in bad car accidents.  i just cant make it make any kind of sense.  not that accidents EVER make sense.  tragedy happens to all of us in varying ways and to differing degrees.  but i watch my friend hold vigil over her young husbands life, and my grandmother grasping for her lifelong partner.  neither knows what to do.  and there is ultimately nothing that can be done.  except wait. and pray.  and hope.  and find courage and comfort in each other.


All the art of living lies in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.  ~Havelock Ellis

i find myself trying to make sense of the whys.  when in reality there aren't any whys....and they dont make sense.  its an exercise in futility that i torture myself with over and over again.  it NEVER makes sense when ANYONE suffers. and trying to make it make sense somehow just makes it worse. so there comes that negativity creeping in.  trying to steal the faith you might have or whatever peace you can find.  its a constant battle.  and generally in internal one.  everyone puts on a brave face.  you mask your tears because its important that you not show the struggle you wage to keep your faith. and for me at least, it is a real struggle.

it seems i'm just realizing that life is one big obstacle course.  it doesnt matter how well you think you are prepared, there is always something that pops up that you arent expecting. and arent ready for.  the challenge is to figure out how to deal with it, without letting it throw you too far off your course.  when something big happens, its literally like you get picked up and thrown down.  like life is daring you to pick yourself up and keep going.  and you have to.  but in order to do it, you need to somehow find your reason why.  and quite often, you find the "why" in the people around you.  your family and friends.  the people who help pick you up.  its harder though, when the people who usually help pick you up are the ones who have fallen.  it teaches you that we ALL at different times are both the shoulder to lean on, and the one leaning.

Each day of human life contains joy and anger, pain and pleasure, darkness and light, growth and decay.  Each moment is etched with nature's grand design - do not try to deny or oppose the cosmic order of things.  ~Morihei Ueshiba

its the dichotomy that messes me up.  obviously i dont want to lose my grandfather.  or john.  in my perfect world, they would both get up and walk out of the hospital good as new.  and while i want to keep believing that they can, in my heart what i want is for them to stop suffering.  i'll admit, i'm a HORRIBLE hospital person.  i cant stand to see anyone with a papercut, much less with broken and shattered things.  this is my challenge.  how do i keep the faith when i see them in pain?  and really there is no answer.  at least not an apparent one to me.  i guess the fact that they are suffering is part of what is keeping them alive and in the fight.  so it might be a good thing.  its just so hard to witness.  but ultimately being there to witness it is the least i can do.  holding pappy's hand for a few hours so he knows hes not alone.  sharing stories in the waiting room with the crew that's always there for john.  just being PRESENT for the fight.

at the end of the day, every day, i try to take a minute to reflect.  or pray.  sometimes both.  and while im definitely not the best prayER in the world, i'm a champion reflectER.  what lessons am i supposed to be getting from this situation?  how can i make any of it any better?  and what i've decided is that i have to be strong enough to BE THERE - whatever happens.  i have to WILL them to get better, and yet understand if they don't.  i have to be willing to hold a hand, and also to let one go.  that's where the faith comes in.  i have to BELIEVE that somehow, somewhere there is a plan in all of this.  even if i cant see it right now.

If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm. - mahatma gandhi