18

today my baby turns 18.  i cant begin to describe the feelings that have been pouring through me today and every day leading up to now when i think about my life and how much it has meant every single day to me to be jake's mom.  not that being a mom to luke or josh feels any different.  and im sure i will have my own personal breakdown when each of them turns 18 as well. especially josh ....watch out then.  i may have to be committed!!

but this rather crazy, amazing, busy and fulfilling life that i lead started 18 years ago.  maybe 18 years, 9 months ago - i just didnt realize it then.  finding out you are pregnant (somewhat unexpectedly) at 22, with a boyfriend still in school, may not be everyone's ideal beginning to their story.  and it was a bit of a concern for me as well.  but i do now, and have always believed that things happen the way they are supposed to.   and so my family journey started instead of my career one. and GO me!

i was a GREAT pregnant person.  i just got fat and ate 10 million peanut butter eggs (hello - march baby).  but i was happy.  for someone with a somewhat screwy plan of action.  i LOVED being pregnant.  i was amazed by every change and every movement.  hearing the heartbeat for the first time and feeling the baby move.  every single thing that happened to me pregnant was amazing and a gift.  clearly it was preparing me for delivery and infancy.  because both of those SUCKED GIANT BALLS! i'm skipping over labor and delivery.  lets just say that when people asked me which one was my baby, it was quickly followed by "oh, the one who looks like he got beat up?".  he did NOT want to come out.  and i wanted him out.  and there began our first battle of wills.  i'm still not sure who won.

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.  She never existed before.  The woman existed, but the mother, never.  A mother is something absolutely new.  ~Rajneesh

to say jake was an easy baby would just be a lie.  i did not realize until luke was about 3 months old that MOST babies dont projectile vomit during and after every meal.  i literally travelled with half of his clothes everywhere we went.  and i thought it was normal.  who knew??  but he was so darn CUTE that i mostly didnt mind.  again, with no frame of reference, i just thought that all babies were a giant pain in the ass. and i was just waiting for him to outgrow it :)

The trouble with learning to parent on the job is that your child is the teacher. ~Robert Brault

according to the experts, we made all the bad choices.  he slept on his tummy, he slept in our bed, i didnt child proof anything, and i spent an entire trip home from rochester laying in the back seat of my GEO storm holding him while he cried.  i let him eat guacamole by the handful and crawl on everything.  he threw up constantly, so we let him eat whatever would stay down.  and just look at him now.

there must be something to be said for growing up mostly with your parents.  we didnt know enough to be crazy about everything.  so we just werent.  and eventually jake grew out of the puking.  and he moved into his own room.  he even gave up his pacifier and learned to use the toilet when i bribed him.  bribery was big in the bayer household.  and it seemed to work.  we went to gymboree with jojo the clown and had playdates.  kris worked during the day while i was the mom, and i worked at night while he was the mom. we were both the mom.  and the dad.  because we didnt know any different.  we didnt have roles.  we just did what needed to be done so jake was always with one of us.  and it worked.  we didnt sleep much.  but come to find out THAT was the normal part!

probably the first clue about the driven person jake would become was his obsession with both thomas the tank engine and buzz lightyear.  we collected thomas trains OBSESSIVELY.  whenever he got a new train, he would turn the package over to see who else belonged with that one.  because we needed them ALL.  everything we had, had to be COMPLETE.  half way was UNACCEPTABLE...even to my 4 year old.  little did i know.  and he was buzz light year for halloween pretty much every year.  no such thing as a passing fancy for jake bayer.

its a large part of what makes him who he is today.  jake sticks.  he met his best friend in pre-k. and they are still best friends.  jake is loyal and hard-headed and totally determined.  its quite a combination.  its been so amazingly fun and yet super challenging to parent.  jake has evolved into this incredible, talented, motivated, intelligent, compassionate young man.  but younger id say he was just stubborn.  he was all or nothing.  black and white.  ZERO middle ground.  which is so cool in some ways.  but wow was it hard to explain things sometimes.  jake is the kid who has NEVER ever had a B.  in anything.  and that is 100% due to HIS personal code.  jake is all in.  he accepts nothing less than all you've got. and he expects it of YOU and HIMSELF.  its a disappointing way to live sometimes.  not many people can live up to that.  and even he cant all the time.  dealing with setbacks and injury are super difficult when you just dont ACCEPT them.  in a way, i look at jake as before he got hurt and after.  he just happened to blow his knee at a time when he was going thru a transition anyway.

“Growing up is never easy. You hold on to things that were. You wonder what's to come. But that night, I think we knew it was time to let go of what had been, and look ahead to what would be. Other days. New days. Days to come. The thing is, we didn't have to hate each other for getting older. We just had to forgive ourselves... for growing up.”

the man he became while overcoming his 2 knee injuries, surgeries and rehabs HONED the determination that was always his.  but it also taught him that no matter how hard you work, sometimes shit happens that you cant control.  you can only control how you react to it.  its a hard lesson.  but one i'm glad he learned young.  im not glad he struggled.  or lost an opportunity with lax.  but i'm glad he was able to LEARN from it.  he is stronger, more in tune with life and its idiosyncrasies.  and even more determined to create his own destiny.

There is always one moment in childhood when the door opens and lets the future in.  ~Graham Greene

what i've learned these last 18 years is that its possible to have your heart walking around outside of your body.  i've learned that its possible to be overcome with emotion and pride on a regular basis.  i've learned that at the end of the day, nothing else matters but family.  i'm so lucky and blessed that i had such a great example in my parents.  and i'm even luckier and more blessed that my kids get it too.

we only get one chance.  and i have to say i wouldnt trade one second of the last 18 years for anything.  because every single minute of it has made jake the man he is today.  a man with a good head on his shoulders, who cares for others, who takes responsibility, has passion, and who has exciting plans for the future.  i hope one day he is lucky enough to look back at his son on HIS 18th birthday and be as amazed and as proud as i am today.

i love you johnnycat. thank you for all you've given me these last 18.  cant wait to see what the next 18 have in store :)

It's not only children who grow.  Parents do too.  As much as we watch to see what our children do with their lives, they are watching us to see what we do with ours.  I can't tell my children to reach for the sun.  All I can do is reach for it, myself.  ~Joyce Maynard