where to start

well this is the first time i've sat down to write since college....so it's been quite awhile.   this first post is all about how and why this blog came to be, so essentially the motivation behind it....and also where i'm hoping it will go.  so in a roundabout timeliney kind of way, here goes:

today i attended the funeral of a beautiful woman.  i did not know her as well as i would have liked, but she was married to one of my husbands best friends, so we've been long term "acquaintances" for about 17  years.  she lost a courageous battle to cancer, and is survived by her husband and 3 young children.  she allowed her friends and family to follow her progress over the last 3 years on a caring bridge website, which was both inspiring and devastating....she was 39.

whenever any of us go thru a loss, reflection is natural i think....but today for some reason, the message that laura left her children resonated with me on so many levels. added to that are several other amazingly courageous women in my life that have faced adversity and reacted triumphantly....these women and circumstances all led me to a place on my 8 hour drive home today that are the motivation behind this new found need to share.

there is colleen - my best friend from high school who had a tumor removed from her spine.....she was always the most determined woman i knew, but she grew thru her challenge to be stronger of faith - from her i learned that i need to live each day, month, year with INTENTION....her creativity and and the amazing pictures that she brings to life are a gift to her family - and i'm stealing her ideas :)

next are my aunt bobbie, my sister in law tiff and girlfriend kathy - all of whom battled or are still battling cancer - my aunt lost her fight, but kathy and tiff are healthy and strong today.....they all fought the fight - and showed how the bonds of family and friendship can never be taken for granted.

then there is kathi - another friend who lost a loved one in a profoundly difficult way.....she found a purpose in yoga and meditation, as well as strength in her faith.  she is a constant inspiration as someone who is completely in touch with herself, and strives to live a good, helpful and fun life....she has found a peace within herself that i admire so much....so, i am going to finally break down (i hope) and use this blog as a way to reflect - since we both know i will never be able to meditate!

lastly in terms of influence, i would have to mention my boys.....it has always been my goal in life to be a great mom - and in most ways and on most days i feel i've done a good job.  i have 3 amazing boys (at least i think so).  here's where my crazy starts to emerge:  when my kids were little, the best thing i could give them was time...so we played together and made things - as they grew i made sure they knew we loved them, that they got a good education and were exposed to religion, played lots of sports and made good choices - the basics in my most simplest terms.....here's the funny part - as they became teenagers, i defaulted into using movie cliches as my parental crutch (yes, i know....crazy) examples:  the speech in footloose from the pulpit (you know you know it), where john lithgow asks his congregation how they can expect their children to be trustworthy if they never trust them - that's a biggy for me - every time one of the boys asked if they could do something for the first time i gave them a lecture on choices and let them go.  which led to the next stupid movie cliche- from freaky friday (the new one with jamie lee curtis)....where she completely embarrasses her daughter by yelling out of her car door "MAKE GOOD CHOICES, HONEY" - yeah, i do that...its fun and has the side effect that my kids are used to me embarrassing them....and then most recently from the blind side (and yes, i do the hideous southern accent) "its YOUR life, it's YOUR choice" followed very closely by "but i will not wear that hideous orange - its not in my color wheel" .....  you  begin to see, that i'm just a tad off center - but it's worked so far (and i'm alway open for suggestions if anyone has bad movie quotes i can use) ......from my kids i have learned that i NEVER can STOP learning - which has brought on this new quest.

what is the new quest?  here comes the purpose of the blog: to search out my faith, document my journey, and share it with those who are interested in where it leads.  for what i have learned so far from all of these individual encounters is that faith, in whatever form it takes for you, is the greatest strength and the greatest comfort out there.  religion has long been a source of angst for me - which i could write about for days....in a nutshell, i would say if asked under duress (which i have been recently) that i would define myself as "non-catholic".....that's not a great descriptor for any kind of faith.  i have a very hard time reconciling my religion with my brain, and the dogma of organized religions as they seem so UNaccepting of other views and opinions.  i have had many many many debates on this subject with my catholic priests, my catholic friends, my evangelical friends, my protestant friends and my atheist sister....i LOVE theology.... in theory - in practice, not so much.  so it creates a huge internal conflict, which in turn trickles down to my feeling like i am not being a good mom by raising by boys in an "organized" traditional faith.  its the catholic guilt, and it never goes away :)  but all of the amazing people i have mentioned here, have all led me to this place....right now, where i feel like i need to take it a step further.

so, for colleen, kathy, aunt bobbie, tiff, kathi, my boys and all of the other incredible people that have affected me so greatly, and especially laura, who inspired me so much today with these simple words she left to her children...

"every day, be the sunshine in someone else's life"  

each day of 2012 i will be blogging my quest: 

 for faith - in both religious terms and in my own life (laura)

for peace - that comes with daily reflection (kathi)

for strength - in purpose and in body (kathy/tiff)

for intention - so that i may choose the path i take and embrace it

for colleen, who knows me best, i will just say this - i am going to attempt not only to blog this year, but also to "picture a day it".....so that she can share my year and teach me to scrap when its over - because what i'm hoping also to learn this year is devotion.